Week 10 Recap: History in the making?

By Lou Olsen

I am sure very few of you missed me last week, as Sweeney stepped in and did a fine job telling you how terrible you are.  Well, unless you are the Ginger-haired commissioner of this league, Sweeney was right...you are terrible.

There was a point around week 7 where I thought to myself "There is no way Charlie gets through the regular season undefeated."  With only 3 weeks left in the regular season, who can deny Chuckles band of soulless, freckle faced, demon spawns?  Only three of you will get a crack at it; Davy and the -Nightcrawler-, Nick and the Bootleggers, and Blake and the Coopers.  If I were to guess, Nick is the only team on Chucka-rooskies level...but Blake or Kurt David Wagner Jones could surprise us with the upset of the year.  Last week we were literally 9 rushing yards away from popping the champagne (sparkling white wine, because we are poor) to the fall of the league Goliath.  This week however, Chuck won by 35 points.  Can he be stopped?  Or will he pull a Nick Leiting and have violent diarrhea all over the playoff mattress?  Too soon to tell, but fun as hell to speculate.

P.S. - If Chuck gets through the regular season undefeated, he only has to win 2 games to be the leagues first ever Two-Time Champ.  Ryan Leaf must be rolling over in his prison cell right now...presumably for butt sex.


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES
                  129                                                       165.2

"Tyson, pay your dues. Now" -The Ginger Overlord

For a team averaging 121 points a week, Craig's team technically rose to the occasion.  Charlie's team continues to surpass 160 points each and every week.  All you can do is hope that someone on his team contracts some sort of STD that needs immediate attention...on the field.  Craig even caught a break when Carson Palmer went down early in the 2nd half with only 7.7 points on the board.  However, when you have Alex Smith and Jay Cutler starting for you...there will be more crying than scoring.  Someone should give Alex Smith and Jay Cutler a buddy cop show called, "Crybaby and Pee-Pants."  I would watch, unless they threw the show away (see what I did there?).  The Fudge Finders continue to have the most impressive wide-out corps in the league: Kelvin Benjamin, Emmanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown.  The only saving grace for the rest of us nerds is that Carson Palmer is out for the year.  That leaves Chuck with Blake Bortles and whatever he can scrape up on the waiver wire.  But even with Bortles, that ginger snap snacking bastard will still average 150 points a week...there is no Ryan Leaf...


KENO MUFF BUSTERS    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
               171.5                                                      147.3

"Ah Tyson, I thought you had me there...what with your QB throwing 6 TDs by halftime and all. Lucky for me he sat most of the 2nd half and my D/ST went bonkers on Monday night. But don't feel bad, you are only one game out of 2nd place in our division and your team is only slightly shitty...so you might be ok. Or not. I don't fucking care what happens to you, I have a two-game lead with three to go! This also proves once again, it is better to bust a muff than to smash a scrote." -Coach Lou Olsen the Small

This is now the fourth game this season that came down to how one of my players did on Monday night...and this was the SECOND time it came down to my D/ST.  As opposed to last time when they went negative, this time the Eagles dropped 31, making this look like an easy win...but it wasn't.  Aaron Rodgers dropped 48.6 points...in one half!  Sadly for Tyson, almost half of his points came from that Monday Night Game since Marshall dropped an additional 25.2 pts.  Other than that, Tyson's team played like a bottom feeder...you know, those fish with the huge mouths who suck shit off of the walls and floor of your aquarium?  Yeah his team played like that.  Shit suckers.  My team wasn't that much better.  Marshawn Lynch, Jimmy Graham and my D/ST scored over 100 points by themselves, so I am not free from ridicule.  I started a guy who didn't play a snap because I found out he was scratched too late, but Tyson countered that 0 with 1 point from his running back Taliaferro.  Every shitty coaching decision I made, Tyson countered with one that was slightly better  (or worse, depending on your cynicism levels).  For how high-scoring this game ended up being, it was mostly because of individual performances.  Even with his seventh loss of the season, Tyson remains in the playoff race.  While I am pretty sure that if I win one more game I am a lock for the division crown (again).  Another fake banner to hang over the mantle that I do not have...but if I win the Ryan Leaf Trophy this year, I will build it it's own mantle.  Threat and promise. (drop mic)


KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS    vs    -NIGHTCRAWLER-
                    174.6                                               128.6

"One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.....nah...fuck that!!!!!!!!!!" -Coach Lou Olsen the Tall

This was certainly the "Beatdown of the Week."  It was also self-inflicted as Coach Davy Kurt...Fuck-Tart left open a running back slot and his Kicker slot.  The RB I can understand, but why wouldn't you just get a new fucking kicker?  Is Gostkowski one of the linchpins of the -Nightcrawler- organization?  Kickers and D/ST are replaceable...always!  It probably wouldn't have mattered though, since Peyton Manning and Tony Romo were monsters on Sunday.  But the coaching call of the week, at least in my mind is...starting M. Rivera at TE!!!!  First of all Dad, I have no idea who this man is.  Second of all, I didn't want to look it up because it would ruin the mystique.  Third of all, I like to think of him as a character you manually created in Madden, who is far superior to all other TE's...you just don't know it yet.  But seriously, who the fuck is that guy?  Poor David Kurtis Wagner Jones just hit his BYE week wall, with 5 starters resigned to bench doodie.  But hey, Jamaal Charles finally did some stuff and some things!  So at least you have that...well that and a lifelong addiction to Alaskan malamute farts.  Joking aside, this was an important game for both teams.  Both are still firmly entrenched in the battle for the 3rd and final playoff spot in the East division.  The old man and Blake are neck-and-slightly-fatter-neck.  Davy is one game back with three to go.  Anything can happen, but this was a big one.  This round goes to the boxing sex sticks.


K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS    vs    WAUKESHA WET COOPERS
                 174.2                                                      130.5

"It was a great victory and I have nothing bad to say about Coopers, wet or dry, even as dry as a 95-year-old ginger woman's vagina.  Gingers are known for having dry vaginas, it's well documented.  Ask Chuck or his sister Laura...talk about a dry vagina there, sheesh.  90% of Astroglide sales are to gingers, little known fact.  And I take back what I said about Coopers, Riley Cooper is a moronic bigot and Bradley Cooper is a homo.  Wait, that sounds bigoted.  Strike that from the record and quote me as saying 'Bradley Cooper is a no-talent hack.'  Don't want to sound like a hypocrite.  What was the question?"   -Coach Snickers Lite

The question was "How did you feel about the game today?"  That quote says it all...dry baby holes, racism and homos, and hypocrisy up the vag.  Speaking of vaginal humidifiers, the Scotch Scalawags had double-digit output from seven of the 10 men on the roster.  Since Blake won't read this, his team sucked.  He started Eli Manning and Joe Flacco...a winning combination? If you are playing the Spooge Cups, maybe.  But even that is a 50/50 shot.  Back to Nick's team, since he will read this, and their impressive lineup.  It's sad to think that this team has nothing but disappointment on the horizon.  Such an incredible roster that is destined for a speedy playoff sodomy.  One wonders if the team needs to relocate in order to remove the stench of past postseason failures.  Unless Coach Lightbone can figure out a way to defeat the Ginger Menace, all of his regular season victories will be forgotten, again.  Swept under a rug made from the pubic hairs of the past Ryan Leaf champs.  But Nick will get his shot to make a statement in two weeks, when he tries to shoot a rum spritzer up inside of the Butt Pirates.  Eat a hippo dick Blake.    


ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                    112.4                                                     122

"Dan, having the Packers and Gophers win this week was plenty. You can't win at fantasy, too. Thanks for going easy on me in light of Dalton's -1.8-point fuckadoo. You're a peach. Or a cupcake. Maybe both." -Coach B.P. McSwizzle Stick

The Andy Dalton issue has already been addressed, but fuck does that guy make gingers look bad.  This was by far the lowest scoring game of the week, but also ended up being the closest score.  Sad day.  The Clam Faces were able to take advantage of another week of terrible performances from the Baby Batter Buckets.  Had the Chowder Mug Shots played any other team this week, they would be in pretty bad shape.  Luckily, even with a reinvigorated Coach Cozinsky, the Spooge Cups just can not get on track.  One more loss will doom them to being renamed again in 2015.  My money is on something less gross and more emotionally tormenting...Bucky Badger anyone?  Mark Sanchez could be the missing link for Sweeney to make it into the playoffs (I can't believe that is now a sentence that exists on earth), as he lead all scorers with 25.2 -- a performance Aaron Rodgers called "cute."  Let us not forget that the Clam Faces have also had Josh Gordon stashed on their roster the entire season.  Pairing Gordon with Demariyus Thomas could be similar to the duo that helped lead Sweens to his first Ryan Leaf title last season.  Next week BP has a huge game against Nic Tyson and his team of freeloaders.  A win next week would give him a nice two-game cushion with two games left to play.  Having just played Tyson, a word of advice Sweens...SCORE MORE POINTS!!!

Week 9 recap: Everything's coming up Roethlisberger

By Brian Sweeney

The title this week is based on nothing more than Big Ben "The Bathroom Rapist" Roethlisberger dropping 48.6 points this weekend.

Does that sound familiar? Well, last week it was something like 56.8, but who's counting. Yep, old Dead Eyes Roeth may be about to show all those draft-day doubters what's up. But this could also be a fluke, so don't go spending your winnings yet, Lou.

Just about everybody looked pretty solid this week, which is why this league is a hard one to win. Those ubiquitous "sleeper" columns? They don't help us because all you semi-intelligent homo sapiens are better than the mouth-breathing masses. That's a rare compliment. Take it. Shut up.

I think I need an insult chaser. Nic, nice job being the only team with only double digits this week, nardbrain.

OK, I feel better. Here is a look at the week that was... shitty for half of you.


Madison Scrotum Smasher      vs        Pacific Panty Droppers
                 99.7                                                        114.7

Well, another week another...wait...we won? We won!?! We won!!! I guess laying off the European pootang for a week can really work wonders... I'm just truly blessed to play in a division full of no talent ass clowns. Chasing global tail 5 out of 8 weeks and still headed for the playoffs." -Coach Craigory Moylano III

Congratulations on surviving yet another boneheaded move, Craig. When did the news come out that Gio wouldn't be playing? I think it was before Sunday. Like, way before Sunday. Old stubborn ass Craig trotted the bastard out there anyway, and all he did was Instagram from the sidelines. Zero points. Also why in the world did you play James Jones (vs. the Seahawks) over the Jacksons, DeSean and Vincent? That I'll never understand. Kudos for rounding out the Jackson Three with Steven, though.

Out of fairness, I will also harass Nic for playing the Washington defense. Yeah, Bridgewater is inexperienced and the Vikes are kind of anemic on offense, but Washington was averaging 3.7 points per week. Pretty weak, I say.

Boner of the game: Craig for playing an inactive Gio Bernard


Rochester Spooge Cups      vs.      Keno Muff Busters
                120.2                                           176.2

 "Oh wow, I beat the Spooge Cups. What an accomplishment...if you are a 6 year old who drafted a fantasy team because of the players' 'funny names.' And would someone get Cozine off the fucking field!!! We get it, you are dedicated again...go home and drink a nice tall glass of Gopher piss and get ready for a new name in 2015." Coach Louis Olsen IV

I do not fully understand what Coach Muffy was doing here with some of his decisions this week. Was he tempting fate by throwing in some of his lesser turd WRs? Did he really think that Andrew Hawkins would outperform Reggie Wayne? Thankfully Rapelisberger bailed him out and he was playing the lowly Garbage Hats or whatever they're called in the future. I will say this for Coach Dan: He's doing the best he can with what he's got.

Boner of the game: Philip Rivers (NEGATIVE 2.2 POINTS WHAAAAT)


 -Nightcrawler-     vs     Waukesha Wet Coopers
         138.7                             189.2

 "I eat my own boogers, ear wax and even my poop when it's dry enough." -Coach Blake Derr

Who would have thought that an 80-hour-per-week job was all that stood between Herr Derr and fantasy football glory? Well, it appears that was the case because he just racked up 189 fucking points. What an asshole. All this time, I thought he was just terrible at this. Sadly, it came on a week when old DJ had most of his players on bye. It's kind of like using a sledge on a finishing nail. But, Blake walks away with a W, and that probably would have happened regardless of byes this week due to his massively productive squad. Don't fear the reaper -- fear the Cooper.

Boner of the game: Andre Johnson (a putrid 3.2 points. Gross.)


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Santa Fe Clam Faces
               115.4                              131.6

"Oh how the mighty fall. Nevermind that you had 42 players on bye. There is always a first loser: the person who falls to the second to last place team. Eat it, Leiting." - Your Reigning Champion

Well, that was ugly, but it did the trick. I'll bet it really burns Leiting to have lost to a lowly sucker like myself. But, on the other hand, it gives me unspeakable joy to have mopped the floor with the 7-1 Bootleggers. Down Cobb, Calvin and Stafford, you can't really blame the guy for losing, though. There's not much to say about this matchup, except booyah Percy Harvin. I'll see you guys down the stretch to serve you up some Percy Points. Suck on that.

Boner of the game: Nick Foles for not drinking enough milk


GAME OF THE WEEK

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs Boston Butt Pirates
             158.1                              158.8

"Roses are red, I beat Big Lou, It took Monday Night to do it, In not one league, but two." -WWS Poet Laureate Charles R. Kinzie

Decided by less than a single point, Charles' perfect season continues. Hobbled by injuries and byes, Charles was forced to play Tavaris Cadet, and he still managed to squeak this one out. Good gravy. Less fortunate was Lou the Elder, who got totally fucked by our two-quarterback setup. Since nobody was on the waiver wire, the Dildinos were forced to start Brandon Weeden, a mistake not even the Browns are making anymore. I'm starting to see why Chuckles the Clown lobbied so hard for the status quo. Next time it could be your ass in a sling, Kinzie. There's nothing spookier in this Halloween hangover period than the prospect of starting Blake Bortles. I see it in your future, dear Commissioner. Muahahaha.

Dildo of the week: Who else? Brandon Weeden. Yuck.