Week 9 recap: Everything's coming up Roethlisberger

By Brian Sweeney

The title this week is based on nothing more than Big Ben "The Bathroom Rapist" Roethlisberger dropping 48.6 points this weekend.

Does that sound familiar? Well, last week it was something like 56.8, but who's counting. Yep, old Dead Eyes Roeth may be about to show all those draft-day doubters what's up. But this could also be a fluke, so don't go spending your winnings yet, Lou.

Just about everybody looked pretty solid this week, which is why this league is a hard one to win. Those ubiquitous "sleeper" columns? They don't help us because all you semi-intelligent homo sapiens are better than the mouth-breathing masses. That's a rare compliment. Take it. Shut up.

I think I need an insult chaser. Nic, nice job being the only team with only double digits this week, nardbrain.

OK, I feel better. Here is a look at the week that was... shitty for half of you.


Madison Scrotum Smasher      vs        Pacific Panty Droppers
                 99.7                                                        114.7

Well, another week another...wait...we won? We won!?! We won!!! I guess laying off the European pootang for a week can really work wonders... I'm just truly blessed to play in a division full of no talent ass clowns. Chasing global tail 5 out of 8 weeks and still headed for the playoffs." -Coach Craigory Moylano III

Congratulations on surviving yet another boneheaded move, Craig. When did the news come out that Gio wouldn't be playing? I think it was before Sunday. Like, way before Sunday. Old stubborn ass Craig trotted the bastard out there anyway, and all he did was Instagram from the sidelines. Zero points. Also why in the world did you play James Jones (vs. the Seahawks) over the Jacksons, DeSean and Vincent? That I'll never understand. Kudos for rounding out the Jackson Three with Steven, though.

Out of fairness, I will also harass Nic for playing the Washington defense. Yeah, Bridgewater is inexperienced and the Vikes are kind of anemic on offense, but Washington was averaging 3.7 points per week. Pretty weak, I say.

Boner of the game: Craig for playing an inactive Gio Bernard


Rochester Spooge Cups      vs.      Keno Muff Busters
                120.2                                           176.2

 "Oh wow, I beat the Spooge Cups. What an accomplishment...if you are a 6 year old who drafted a fantasy team because of the players' 'funny names.' And would someone get Cozine off the fucking field!!! We get it, you are dedicated again...go home and drink a nice tall glass of Gopher piss and get ready for a new name in 2015." Coach Louis Olsen IV

I do not fully understand what Coach Muffy was doing here with some of his decisions this week. Was he tempting fate by throwing in some of his lesser turd WRs? Did he really think that Andrew Hawkins would outperform Reggie Wayne? Thankfully Rapelisberger bailed him out and he was playing the lowly Garbage Hats or whatever they're called in the future. I will say this for Coach Dan: He's doing the best he can with what he's got.

Boner of the game: Philip Rivers (NEGATIVE 2.2 POINTS WHAAAAT)


 -Nightcrawler-     vs     Waukesha Wet Coopers
         138.7                             189.2

 "I eat my own boogers, ear wax and even my poop when it's dry enough." -Coach Blake Derr

Who would have thought that an 80-hour-per-week job was all that stood between Herr Derr and fantasy football glory? Well, it appears that was the case because he just racked up 189 fucking points. What an asshole. All this time, I thought he was just terrible at this. Sadly, it came on a week when old DJ had most of his players on bye. It's kind of like using a sledge on a finishing nail. But, Blake walks away with a W, and that probably would have happened regardless of byes this week due to his massively productive squad. Don't fear the reaper -- fear the Cooper.

Boner of the game: Andre Johnson (a putrid 3.2 points. Gross.)


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Santa Fe Clam Faces
               115.4                              131.6

"Oh how the mighty fall. Nevermind that you had 42 players on bye. There is always a first loser: the person who falls to the second to last place team. Eat it, Leiting." - Your Reigning Champion

Well, that was ugly, but it did the trick. I'll bet it really burns Leiting to have lost to a lowly sucker like myself. But, on the other hand, it gives me unspeakable joy to have mopped the floor with the 7-1 Bootleggers. Down Cobb, Calvin and Stafford, you can't really blame the guy for losing, though. There's not much to say about this matchup, except booyah Percy Harvin. I'll see you guys down the stretch to serve you up some Percy Points. Suck on that.

Boner of the game: Nick Foles for not drinking enough milk


GAME OF THE WEEK

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs Boston Butt Pirates
             158.1                              158.8

"Roses are red, I beat Big Lou, It took Monday Night to do it, In not one league, but two." -WWS Poet Laureate Charles R. Kinzie

Decided by less than a single point, Charles' perfect season continues. Hobbled by injuries and byes, Charles was forced to play Tavaris Cadet, and he still managed to squeak this one out. Good gravy. Less fortunate was Lou the Elder, who got totally fucked by our two-quarterback setup. Since nobody was on the waiver wire, the Dildinos were forced to start Brandon Weeden, a mistake not even the Browns are making anymore. I'm starting to see why Chuckles the Clown lobbied so hard for the status quo. Next time it could be your ass in a sling, Kinzie. There's nothing spookier in this Halloween hangover period than the prospect of starting Blake Bortles. I see it in your future, dear Commissioner. Muahahaha.

Dildo of the week: Who else? Brandon Weeden. Yuck.