Week 8 Recap: Everything's Coming Up Roethlisberger

By Lou Olsen

The title this week is based on nothing more than Big Ben "The Bathroom Rapist" Roethlisberger dropping 56.8 points this weekend.  I don't know if we have seen a score like this since that one time Doug Martin dropped 50 points in his rookie season.  Just so you all know, that neanderthal threw for 522 yards and 6 TDs.  Because of this little explosion in production, he is now a Top 10 fantasy QB.  I never thought I would see the day...

Enough about that pervert.  Overall this week was one of the highest scoring I think this league has ever had.  Only two teams scored less than 150 points!!  We had one team score over 200, and three more scored at least 175 points!!  It's nice to see that we are all finally figuring out how to score points, even if it is in a losing effort (sorry, Sweeney).  Coach Gingervitis and Coach Lightning continue their collision course towards an easy ticket to the postseason dance, while the rest of the division continues to play leap frog for the final spot.  And then there is the West division....who totally blows green puffy donkey dicks.  Uhhh, and the injuries just keep coming.  How did your team do this week?


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                    96.6                                                  150.7

"If Wet Cooper was here right now, he would let me pet him.  If Blake was here right now, he would have no choice but to let me pet him...because I beat him like the monkey labia he is.  Now he can go home and sit back in his lounger, sipping on a nice tall glass of porcupine ball sweat...because that is the beverage of losers."  -Coach Olsen the Younger

Let's just get this one out of the way.  Roethlisberger is the reason I won this game, almost single-handedly!  However, I would have won had he only scored 10 points...so tomato tomato (that saying doesn't work in written form, does it?).  Blake won't read this, so what is the point of making fun of him.  His team was bad this week, not one of the two teams to break 150 (let alone 100).  However, even if I thought that Blake would read this, I couldn't be too rough on him since last week I dropped an awe-inspiring 66 points.  I would like to point out that this week I lost 3 starters...for the second time this season, I might add.  Owen Daniels and Reggie Wayne had surgeries on Thursday (out of nowhere!!) and Brian Quick got hurt during Sunday's game.  Luckily, I didn't need them thanks to my pal the Bathroom Molester Extraordinaire!!!  And Blake, if you do on some off-chance read this...I have decided that you should be the one to eat that hippo dick.  Davy is off the hook and you have just inherited the obligatory consumption of one hippo dick of your choice.  It should pair nicely with that glass of porcupine scrotal sweat.



K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS    vs    PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS
                177.6                                                    107.6

"A victory haiku for you:Panties have been dropped / Ravaged beyond all repair / Next triflin' bitch Clams "    -Coach Nick Lightning

Getting all poetic and shit up in this piece!  No one loves a good haiku more than this guy. At least I think that was her name...  Luckily for the Drunken Distributors there were more balls being dropped than panties this week.  If not for Jay Cutler being marginally useful, the Thong Tossers would have slipped well below 100 points this week.  When Justin Tucker (15 pts) outscores every single position player on your roster, you are in some serious trouble -- like, a giraffe trying to hide in a horror movie trouble.  Like a frat boy finding out that he screwed a transvestite trouble.  Even perennial fantasy monster Julius Thomas didn't feel like showing up this week (4.3 pts).  Coach Craig left 86 points on his bench this week, but even if he was allowed to play all of those players, he would have only won by 18 points.  Sometimes you just have to swim through a tube of shit to get to freedom.  The Shawshank Redemption taught me that.  Not entirely sure where I was going with that...but it was meant for Craig...hmm.  Your team is a tube of human feces, urine, and probably some feminine napkins (hint hint wink wink)...I guess?  Meanwhile, the always-belligerent Coach Prick Lighting continues to just beat the shit of any non-ginger opponent.  But as always, he will fuck us up all season long and then the first chance he gets in the playoffs he will let us pulverize his rectum for a change.  So go ahead you drunk sodomite, destroy us all when it only moderately matters...because the day of reckoning is close at hand...preferably the jerking off hand...  

-NIGHTCRAWLER-    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
           169                                                     159.4

"We played our hearts out, but as a coach, I can still do better.  We may have scored 169 points, but I still left one point on the bench.  ONE FULL POINT.  On defense.  First, who keeps a backup defense? And second, who doesn't play the better one?  That's it. I'm considering retiring.  Wait, let me reconsider.  So Lou, either III or IV, your telling me that I'm tied for last place in the East, but if I was in the West, you'd say I was leading the pack?  But yet if I keep up my pace and beat all those West ass-holes, I still won't make the playoffs?  Hmm.."    -Actually Coach Kurt Wagner

And yes Davy, that is exactly what I am saying.  I am leading the West division by a whole game and I am 4-4.  So if you were in my division this year, you would be a god amongst mortals.  Instead you have to settle for being  in last place of the best division the league has ever seen.  Those are the breaks nerd.  And you beating Tyson, all you did was make it worse on yourself because Tyno is in line to make the playoffs at 3-5.  Moving on,  I have never seen a blue circus mutant so depressed after a win.  And against a familiar foe, no less.  Tyson's army of Scrotal Soldiers had a hell of a week, but it wasn't hella enough.  Trent Richardson dropping a goose egg is really the only story of this game.  When one of your primary RB's doesn't even touch the ball because of a previously undiagnosed or mentioned hamstring injury, that just blows.  That's such bad luck that I can only surmise a leprechaun snuck into Tyson's house on Saturday night and rubbed his taint all over Tyno's rugged facial features.  Nothing is worse luck than a Leprechaun's taint.  Had Richardson scored 10 points, it would have resulted in someone's blue teleporting scrotum being ripped to smithereens.  Instead, Davy conjured up his Leprechaun minion, Danny O'Shileleigh, to head to Madison and rub his taint all over Tyson's face holes.  I'm curious Tyson...does Leprechaun taint taste like a salty Shamrock shake, or does it taste more like Lucky Charms with a little sea salt?


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                 175.4                                                  162

"Another solid showing by the team...except Geno. Apparently, Carson starting at QB2 was too much for him. Frankly, I'm not sure why he's on the field after Sunday's showing. *someone whispers in Coach Kinzie's ear* Wait. He's where? *more whispering* Ladies and gentlemen of the press, Geno Smith has voluntarily left the team to pursue a career in naked bobsledding. Not something you get the opportunity to witness very often. Must be Coach Cozine's influence... Yes, well... Good day."    -Coach Chucky

Chuckle McFuckle got one thing right, the Spooge Cups seem to have figured shit out. For the second straight week, the newly over-dedicated Coach Coziney put out a terrific lineup only to fall short.  The game looks like it was pretty close, but also keep in mind that Charlie's D/ST threw up a 0.  But you see kids, when your WR's combine to score almost 90 points between them...your defense can knit a sweater out of some Romanian man's pubes and it won't make one fucking iota of difference.  For the second straight week, Coach Cozy had to be forcibly removed from the field of play...only furthering his new persona as the most involved and intense coach in the league.  He screamed, he shouted, I even think I saw him eating a live squirrel at one point and then smearing the blood all over his face.  There were tazers, mace, and I also think I saw some rubber bullets fired at close range.  Dan Cozine flinched not.  On the other sideline, the Ginger of our discontent sat in a lounger sipping on fine scotch and swatting flies with a newspaper...I assumed it was the New York Times because he is not a heathen.  He also had one of those amazing mini-umbrella hats to shield his fair, supple skin from the sun.    With 5 games left, these two teams could not be on different ends of the spectrum.  The Brown Eye Brigade is almost a lock at this point to make the postseason, while the Spunk Receptacles are almost a lock to get a new name next season.  Then again...playing in the West Division, anything could happen.


KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                     207.9                                                   180.3

"I'm not a religious person, but the world would be a better place if we could all play Sweeney every week."    - Coach Olsen the Senior....Citizen

That was short, sweet, and in no way had anything to do with any religion.  Scoring 180 points and losing is a tough pill to deposit into ones rectum.  Scoring 207 points and only winning by 27 has to feel like that first piss of the day...it's all down hill from there.  This was an amazing game that I actually kept track of on Sunday.  Almost half of the players involved in this game scored over 20 points (9/20) and two of those scored over 40 (Gronkowski and Maclin).  While the Simulated Sex Shlongers got the two big scorers, the Dusty Clams had solid contribution from every roster spot.  All of the boner scorers in this game were actually on the winning side (Tre Mason's 4.3 pts and Steve Smith's 6.5 pts).  That means that my old man got 10 points total from two key position players and still rolled out 200 points!!!  Unfortunately, AARP member number 873990-10 is in the East Division and scratching to get that 3rd and final playoff spot.  Even though the Sandy Chowders are 2-6, they play in the West and could easily make the playoffs.

However...they do have to start winning eventually, because (I can't believe I am typing this) they are only one game ahead of the Spooge Cups for being renamed in 2015.  Yikes!