The Season Is Here, and the Ginger is Dealing!!

article by: David Schwimmer



There was a time where I thought I was dead too.

 That's right....it's me.  David Schwimmer.  Initially, I was terrified that Lou and Brian asked me to join the writing staff.  The last two "interns" had some pretty tough breaks after their time working for this well respected news outlet.  Ryan Leaf is in prison and John Travolta is facing charges of asking massage therapists to tickle his pickle.  Some say that this job is cursed.  But since Friends went off the air, and was replaced in syndication by cartoons, I have not had a lot to do.  No publicity is bad publicity.  Although, in the natural progression of things....I will probably break into morgues and have sex with dead bodies, but hey.  You gotta do what you gotta do, and I have one hell of a heroin problem. 

Turns out, I know nothing about football.  Just thought you should know that up front.  No secrets amongst friends.  We are friends, right?  I can't live without friends.

And now, for some news!!! 

The league commissioner has swung two trades in the past 24 hours.  All centralized around draft picks in the first round.  The first trade was incredibly complicated to understand, so I asked a woman to help me understand it:

Charlie gave Lou Matt Stafford.  Lou gave Charlie Jimmy Graham.  Lou gave Charlie his first round pick.  They swapped second round picks.  Charlie gave Lou his third round pick           - Quote from actual woman

That gave Chinger, two first round picks and the top TE in fantasy football.  In turn, Lou got Matt Stafford and moved down in the draft (inside sources say that he was scared of his 2nd overall pick, what a pussy...and that is coming from the guy who played Ross on Friends!!). 

While some may scoff and say, Lou is an idiot.  You are probably right.  But, his team is doomed anyway.  My sources tell me that his franchise is still without a name, but that they are leaning towards honoring team hero Jerry Sandusky.  You may remember that Sandusky was the defensive coordinator for the Tree Humpers during their last place finish in 2011.  Jerry is currently locked away in prison for "Priesting it up" in the showers.  Any team that is named after such a horrid, putrid, vile, and unattractive man...is doomed, so why not subscribe to the Al Davis/Oakland Raiders school of draft pick trading.  This is already my least favorite team.  Unless someones team name is a Michael J. Fox joke, or a Republican, Lou Olsen and company are public enemy number 1 in 2012.  You are on notice you pussy!!!

Now, no sooner had Chucky Boo Boo acquired his 2 first round picks, he turns around and deals Larry Fitzgerald to Affirmative Blacktion.  In turn, they swap first round picks.  This deal gives Craig a top tier wide receiver, and Ginger Rogers Kinzie the 2nd and 4th picks in the first round. 

Now while the Soulless Wonder may have two very high draft picks initially.  He will only have 1 draft pick over the next 2 rounds.  Clearly his strategy was to not let the talent of his team from 2011 go free without any compensation.  Let's hope that he is able to get what he is looking for with those picks. 

This is going to be a season of firsts.  This is our first season with keepers, and our first seasons with the ability to trade draft picks.  In this football novices opinion, there seems to be some fear at the top of this draft.  Two separate managers moved down in the draft.  It could be health concerns, maybe a lack of clear cut talent, but most likely it's a fear of sexually transmitted diseases.  NFL players have sex with all kinds of stuff and managers are not excluded.  Most of the clean players will be kept by their teams, because they are so hard to find in this day and age.  Although Tim Tebow will undoubtedly go....undrafted.  So, you heard it here first: Lou and Craig - Anti-STD, Charlie - Pro-STD.

All of this trading must mean the season has officially started, so congratulations!  You are all wieners just for being here.  I look forward to writing for you and learning about the wonderful sport of Sexual Fantasy Football.  Although, so far it is not nearly as erotic as I would like.  But beggars can't be choosers.

Guess that's it.  Be sure and watch Friends, Monday nights at 1am on TBS.  Also don't miss Kissing A Fool, which is currently in the $5 or less movie bin at your local grocery store.

What?  Usually there are pictures of hot chicks?  Why?  Ok, let's blow someones mind.  Gentlemen, may I present to you...a sexy ginger.