Brian Patricia Sweeney is the son of a man whose quack was always bigger than his bite. Sweeney vowed never to be a quacker like his old man. We have no evidence to support that quacking is a hereditary trait, but this season sure came to quacking hault. They say that the next morning, ducks all over the world cried out, "Come on Bry...don't do this to me Bry". This adversity has turned Sweeney into one of the most polarizing figures in fantasy football today.
BPSweens invited me to his fellatiol (that is spelled the way I meant it to be) mansion. Which, as it turns out, is more like a nuclear bunker stocked to the ceiling with whiskey and cigars than it is an actual mansion. Sweeney had clearly been locked in this dank moldy heaven since his loss to, arch-rival and resident Ginger, Charles Kinzie. The man looked like a Native American Fidel Castro, with a 15 year old girls acne.
As I sat on a childs bicycle with the training wheels on it, we began to chew the fat of life. Most of it off the record of course, but some of it was actually publishable. Much of what you are about to read came from hours and hours of this recorded interview. Everything from gay albino pigs, to a rough script for the next Sherlock Holmes movie. The working title is: Sherlock Holmes: The Missing Fruit Chews. I laughed, I cried, I pooped, I ate, we drank...and smoked, passed out, puked on each other, showered in whiskey, then everything got dark....fuck it. It was like a 3 day bender. That cellar is like a fucking casino, 15 minutes in cellar time is 6 hours in real life.
If you don't enjoy this, you are probably racist...against tan people.
TC: Your Eastern Conference Championship game, against Chuck, came down to the final 5 minutes of the Giants and Cowboys game of that week. You had roughly a 16 point lead as the 4th quarter clock struck 5:00. Only 5 minutes...and you were going to be playing for the title. How deflating where those 5 minutes for you?
BS: You know, I was not even watching. Truth be told, I was enjoying Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. Since I was pretty sure I would be losing to Chuckles, I figured my time would be better spent watching Macaulay Culkin's finest work. What really pissed me off was that Charles had a very mediocre day. I outcoached myself in the end. Made too many poor decisions. Letting Malcolm Floyd play instead of Laurent Robinsons was a huge mistake...and Maurice Morris?!?! What the hell was I thinking on that one? My bench scored almost 100 points that day. Therefore, rather than bitching and complaining about it, I am going to formally begin a public slander campaign against the Butt-Pirates and all that they stand for.
TC: Follow-up question: Charles Roger Kinzie is no doubt your biggest rival. Dating all the way back to last season when you had some legendary battles on the invisible gridiron. How devastating is it to have been swept by that Ginger this season?
BS: Pretty rough. I had not even thought about it until you brought it up...dick. It is extra bad because he is also the Commissioner. I liken him to the great and powerful Oz, the only problem is that I have never been able to pull back the curtain revealing nothing more than a man. He had some lucky breaks this year and was certainly more in-tune to football happenings than anyone else. None of this matters, for you see, I will be killing his first born child regardless. So, I've got that going for me.
TC: There have been a lot of negative story lines surrounding the league this year. Which particular incident would you say gave the league, as a whole, the biggest black eye?
BS: Blake-gate. No question. That was pretty bad. I think Charlie was a little too strong handed initially, but that does not explain why Blake couldn't pay his fucking dues like the rest of us. Then he acted like the entire league was conspiring against him. Every single member of the league mailed a check to Charlie, including Dan's wife. So, if my math is correct, that makes Blake worse than Dan's wife. Anyway, it's over now and hopefully we can all pay on time next year.
TC: Speaking of Dan, he made 4 name changes this season (Rainbows, Malaysian Manhandlers, Jizz Bolts, Not Means). Which one did you like the best?
TC: Let's go back to Blake for a second. In your opinion, is Blake Derr a good coach?
BS: Yes, he is a good waiver guy
TC: Is he a good person?
BS: No
TC: Good lover?
BS: You would have to ask Mrs. Kinzie
TC: Good with farm animals?
BS: I have never seen him with farm animals before, but I know that he has never been in prison. Which means he does not have an impulse to fuck them...let's just say yes.
TC: Nic Tyson took his team from worst to first this year. As a veteran coach in this league, have you ever seen anything quite like this?
BS: Truth be told, I do not remember why his team was so bad last year. I always thought Tyson would do well. He has a keen football mind.
TC: Do you think that the Tree Humpers and Hershey Squirts could bounce back in a similar fashion next
season?
BS: Both Olsen's had really bad injury breaks. Lou Sr.'s started immediately, while the Younger Lou's team lost the injury battle down the stretch of the regular season. I think they could both bounce back next year. In fact, I think they are destined to be better in 2012.
TC: Nick Leiting came into the league this year and blew everyone out of the water. Then injuries slowly destroyed his title aspirations. Do you believe karma was involved, or do the fantasy gods just hate Tim Tebow? (Please note, Leiting's team was in perfect health until Tebow was added to the roster)
BS: It was a very interesting series of coincidences, but I do not see how Tebow is at fault in the teams sudden downfall. In my opinion it is fitting that he missed out on the championship. I mean, this guy was horseshoe in his urethra lucky. Every guy he picked up turned into a 30 point a week monster. I will not be sheding a tear for him though, his future is so bright. In fantasy football, luck will only take you so far. That was the downfall of the Bootleggers.
TC: As a writer for this fine site, who is your favorite lightning rod? And who is your least favorite person to pick on?
BS: I always find myself gearing towards Lou Sr., but then I feel bad. Tyson is a guy I always like to try and get all fired up. My personal favorite is Davy because he personifies the "lovable loser". As for the person I least like to pick on...this year it was probably Lou Sr. again. His team was just tragic, so I did not want to be the guy shoving salty lemon semen into his open wounds.
TC: If you could let one other coach in this league run the Clam Faces for a week, who would it be?
BS: As much as it pains my groin to say this, Charlie. He pays the most attention to the league and waiver wire transactions. That does not change the fact that he is a rat-faced bastard and a cock-sucking coward. On the flip side, those things make him a good coach.
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| This is an actual Clam Face...horrifying!! |
TC: Which coach would you not let run your team?
BS: This is an easy one, Craig. He has fucked up repeatedly, non-stop, all season long. The guy is way to busy diving for Eskimo poon and watching old clips of Mike Ditka to care about his own team.
TC: How many gas stations would you say there are in America?
BS: I don't know...too many?
TC: If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?
BS: Follow Your Dick!
TC: Tupac?
BS: No, Tupac lives in Vegas...I've seen him.
TC: If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?
BS: Probably dogs. I feel like they would have pretty useful information. You could have them do favors for you and you could pay them in meat. There is a lot of upside to talking with dogs. TC: Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
BS: Cosby Sweater. I envision it being pubes covering a turd, which is somehow included in the sexual experience.
TC: What do wood and alcohol have in common?
BS: Can both knock you the fuck out
TC: How are M&M's made?
TC: How are M&M's made?
BS: They are crapped out by North Pole dwelling rabbits. It's poo with a candy shell.
TC: If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
BS: I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers. Pretty unoriginal, but he seems to always be having fun. I am pretty sure he is the baddest mother fucker on the planet.
TC: Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
BS: Nazi's. I just wathced WWII in HD...fuck those guys.
TC: Is Elvis really dead?
BS: Yes, he died on the crapper
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