Commissioner’s Championship Game Preview – CYO vs. HUMP

by Charles Kinzie, League Commissioner

Last week I handed coach Derr a one-way ticket to the championship in spite of him starting two inactive players. This week I hope he gets what he deserves. Coach Derr and his Waukesha Suffocaters (CYO) are up against one of my bosom buddies coach Olsen and his Seattle Humping Hippie Dendrologists (HUMP).

A native dendrologist caught in the act

Earlier in the week, Wally picked CYO (Live) to take home the Ryan Leaf Action Figure Commemorative Trophy. Sorry, Wally. Not a chance in hell. The Dendros are a shoe in to win this one with coach Olsen fielding a lineup of players ranked no lower than eighth at their respective positions. EIGHTH. The Chokers don’t even come close. Coach Derr made a last-ditch attempt to shore up his running back core. Too little, too late. At least he remembered he was playing this week and subbed in starting active players. My prediction: a lopsided championship. Let’s begin…

Breakdown:

CYO

QBs (Joe Flacco; Ben Roethlisberger) – Two quarterbacks on playoff-bound teams playing mediocre opponents. Ravens need a win and a Steelers loss to secure a first-round bye. Steelers need to win to keep it. High upside? Yes, indeedy.

RBs (Ray Rice; LaDainian Tomlinson) – LT spent the better part of this season on my bench and Shonn Greene is getting the work in close. ‘Nuff said. Great pick up. Not. Oh, and Ray Rice = Icy Hot. I’m not sure what that means. All I know is that every week he “could go off”. In 16 weeks, Ray has “gone off” twice. Does he get some rest with a guaranteed spot in the playoffs? Just sayin’.

Oh Reggie, Don't do this too me Reggie..

WRs (Reggie Wayne; Michael Crabtree; Mario Manningham) – Reggie Wayne has yet to cure his season long case of the dropsies, not to mention, he will also be going toe-to-toe with Cortland Temujin Finnegan. Crabtree is a solid bet when Troy Smith is throwing the ball. Last week, Troy Smith cost Mike Singletary his job. You do the math. Manningham has a good matchup. Now only if Eli would start throwing the ball to his own teammates.

TE (Brandon Pettigrew) – Pick a tight-end, any tight-end. I’d pick Owen Daniels.

D/ST (Ravens) – Last week I tried to get cute and put up the Chargers D/ST against the ailing Bengals offense. Can you say backfire? The Ravens D has something to prove here after losing the past three to the Bengals.

K (Billy Cundiff) – Pick a kicker, any kicker.

HUMP

QBs (Aaron Rodgers; Josh Freeman) – My prediction: Pack goes up big early, the Bears say “To hell with it”, and it rains Limburger and Swiss; Rodgers goes nuts like he knows how. Freeman is playing in a must win to keep any playoff hope alive. It won’t be a repeat of last week, but it could be pretty damn close for these two.

Not this kind of esplode

RBs (Arian Foster; Michael Turner) – Foster is a beast. B-E-A-S-T. The Falcons are pissed. Michael Turner will esplode. That’s right, esplode.

WRs (Greg Jennings; Calvin Johnson; Mike Wallace) – Jennings will have a field day when the Bears starting secondary sits after halftime. No one is faster than Mike Wallace. No one. The only uncertainty here is CJ. Maclin could do you a solid in his place against the worst team vs. WRs, especially, if DeSean sits. Hint, hint.

Sassy

TEs (Vernon Davis) – Mr. Consistent? Not so much anymore, but if he goes off, look out.

D/ST (Steelers) – With or without Troy Polamalu? Does it matter? They own Cleveland.

K (Adam Vinatieri) – Must I repeat myself?

My pick – HUMP…by a lot. In the end, the combination of Aaron Rodgers and Josh Freeman with Arian Foster and Michael Turner will prove too much for CYO to overcome without the healthy trio of Michael Vick, Peyton Hillis, and Andre Johnson starting. After the game, the Dendroholics will celebrate by meeting up with fellow arborists and then proceed to bang General Sherman.