Oh my God!! I like, can't believe we're back already. I am such a pig for fantasy football season and I can't help but shovel it into my face all day on Sunday. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was poking fun at Tyson for sucking big green donkey dick. Good news Tyson, this season there is another individual who shall remain named, Dan Cozine. First let me do my own little re-cap of the off-season.
Ol' Commish Kinzie wasted no time in announcing an expansion of the league. Blake's corpse wasn't even cold from his Championship loss when Chuck announced that two new teams would be joining the league. One of the coaches was a familiar face and Kenosha legend, Big Lou "The Tractor Trailer" Olsen. The second head coach was another member of the Olsen family tree, Nick Leiting, brother-in-law to current
After months of debate, Kinzie struck the "Keeper" system and decided to draft from scratch. This was met with some moderate uproars, but mostly it was met with flying feces. Winning teams from a year ago hated the idea, and the city of Madison rejoiced. After the crap settled and was cleaned by my Puerto Rican cleaning lady, the draft was upon us. Aaron Rodgers was the first pick overall, which signaled to everyone watching that day, this was going to be a very different draft. Fantasy superstars like Arian Foster and Chris Johnson fell out of the top 5. But then the true surprise was sprung.
Coach Dan Cozine, of the Rochester Rainbows, decided that spending time on the beach was more important than drafting a team. Instead he allowed a brain dead Malaysian illegal immigrant to pick his team. As the draft went on, no one heard so much as a word from Cozine. That was until the 12th round. All of a sudden Dan drops in from the roof and lands at the podium to announce that he is picking Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding. Then, as quickly as he came, he rolled off of us and went back to sleep. Now what really ties this all together is that on the opening play of the Chargers season, Kaeding blew out a knee, thus ending his season. So guess what, this season, Cozine is my bitch. Congratulations Tyson, you can actually enjoy the blog this year.
Ok, enough of that let's talk football. This year since we will have 5 games each week, we will re-cap 4 games and have a game of the week. The game of the week will be a little more in depth, but just as awesome.
Week 1 Re-Cap
Butt-Pirates vs Affirmative Blacktion
175.8 130.4
This game was never going to be close. You would think that a bunch of Fanny-Bandits would be afraid to wander into a mostly black stadium to do battle, but not this week. This game had my WildCard of the Week: RB Mike Tolbert (36.3 pts) my Boner of the Week: Steelers D/ST (-3) and Player of the Week: QB Tom Brady (43 pts). The Blackies really needed Matt Ryan to play less like Ryan Leaf and more like...well pretty much anyone else. The Ass-Buccos had three players score over 25 points this week and that made all of the difference. The Big Black's never had a chance, here is what their coach had to say after the game:
It's week 1. We need to find our identity, or at the very least steal someone else's.
Tree Humpers vs Scrotum Smashers
135.8 128.3
Old habits die hard I guess. Tyson re-named his team to something a little more terrifying, but the end result was the same. The reigning champs were outplayed in the first half, but a strong output by the Jets D/ST helped give Olsen a cushion going into Monday Night's game. Knowshon Moreno had opportunities to deliver a victory for the Scrots, but he plays for the Broncos so they were losing the whole game which meant running was not an option. While it is very clear that Tyson has a much stronger team than last season, he lacks the big game experience that the Humpers have after winning the Title last year. This game was much closer than many of us anticipated, but in the end, pelvic thrusting beats skin smashing. One final note on this game, Greg Jennings and Calvin Johnson are now playing for the Smashers. Since both were members of last years Championship team, we asked coach Olsen what it was like to coach against them.
Damn it Travolta, what do you think it's like? Ok, how about this. Imagine if at the end of Grease, Danny gets Sandy pregnant and runs of with Rizzo. Or how about this, at the end of Face-Off, Nic Cage took a shotgun and pointed it into his face and pulled the trigger, leaving you to look at his face the rest of your life. So, it felt great. Get a real job you closet camper.
Rainbows vs Bootleggers
139.2 165.9
What is up with the Pirate themes? Anyway, this game is a lot closer than it should have been. 5 of the 10 players on Cozine's roster only scored in the single digits. On the other end of the spectrum, new coach Nick Leiting had 5 of the 10 players on his roster score over 20 points this week. Clearly Cozine should have shown up for the draft insted of letting that retarded Malaysian pick his squad. His team should be re-named, and I have a great idea for one - The Malaysian Man-Handlers. It keeps the gay theme alive, but also let's us know who is actually running the show over there in Rochester. Let's not overlook the Rum-Runners, they are the real deal despite the scary QB situation they find themselves in. We talked to Coach Cozine's right hand man after the game.
I...picka...dee...foobar...team...goo...Coach Da...say...he...le me...clee...heem...ina...dee...shower...later...I lather...hees...monkey
Clam Faces vs Banana Hammocks
165.6 118
The Madison teams wanted things to be different this year, but after week one things appear to be the same. For coach Davy, a new name and new mascot equal the same old football team. Meanwhile the Clam Cakes appear to have a real powerhouse roster. Most everyone on the Clam roster contributed, aside from Mr. Blount who was a finalist for Boner of the Week. The Nut Clingers just could not find a rhythm. When Adrian Peterson and Steven Jackson are combined to be outscored by Beanie Wells, you have got big problems. Coach Sweens felt like rubbing it in after the game.
Wow Davy, your team is about as bad as I remember. Although I really enjoyed the banners hanging all over your stadium with me in the Borat swimsuit. That was a nice touch. Anything to distract the fans from how pathetic your team is huh? It was nice to see your kicker kick...nothing. Good luck this season sir, but to be honest, a leprechaun wearing lucky horseshoes and a rabbits foot shoved up his ass won't make your team any better.
GAME OF THE WEEK
Claymakers vs Hershey Squirts
140.5 141.8
This was the game of the week without a doubt. So many juicy story lines, from the Squirts losing Peyton Manning, to the Claymakers investing everything in Aaron Rodgers. This was a match-up between a veteran team that knows how to win and an old guy who has no idea how to play fantasy football (Sorry Blake, true story). The Claymakers had this game in the back going into Monday nights games. It would take a miracle for the Squirts to comeback. That miracle came in the form of Wes Welker. In the 4th quarter of last nights game, Welker caught a 99 yard TD pass to lock in a 36 point night. That performance pushed the Chocolate Shits out to about a 15 point lead with just Brandon Lloyd left to play for the Claymakers.
Lloyd fell just short. When you look at the individual numbers of this game it was no contest. Every member of the Claymakers scored in double digits accept for their defense. Meanwhile the squirts had 4 player snot even break double-digits. It is almost a miracle that the game was this close, let a lone a W for Big Lou Olsen. The biggest factor in this game, if you ask me, was the defense. The Hershey Highway's D/ST scored 19 points to Clay-Clay's 6. But this game was dominated by coach Derr and Co., yet they could not contain that tiny little white guy from the Patriots. MVP of the Week: WR Wes Welker
Well, we are off and running. Hope everyone had a great first week (at least...everyone outside of Madison). I look forward to seeing what you can do this upcoming weekend. As is tradition, I leave you with a smoking hot chick to drool over. This chick was going to marry Bootlegger starting QB Jay Cutler, fortunately she came to her senses and realized the dude is perma-drunk. Enjoy...
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