This weekend was so exciting, I had to have my teets milked. True story, busted out the old titty milker and went to town on my man boobs. Let me tell you, it was well worth it. Now there remains only one undefeated team, that being those pesky Butt-Pirates from Philadelphia. The Kenosha Bootleggers suffered their first defeat at the big strong hands of Coach Craig and his army of Black ASS-asins. This weekend also turned this league into a league full of losers, only 4 teams have winning records through the first 3 weeks.
My personal favorite part of this weekend, was picking my Boner of the Week...for every single game. This week was chucked full of boners. From defenses getting blown away, to a certain WR scoring 50+ points...on the bench. The only boner not to be included in this discussion, is the one that is now perpetually thrust into coach Dan Cozine's mouth. Not only by his fans, but by the media, and his Malaysian sex slave/Head Coach. Realistic scores usually mean that someone on each roster, was sporting wood. That being the case, rather than the usual awards, I will be awarding a boner of the week award to each of the 5 games played. Wear those boners with pride going into week 4 gentlemen.
You all thought Leaf was a dick, well guess what you limp dicked fox fuckers? He was, I am a much nicer guy and twice as intelligent. Sorry about the fox fucker stuff, but I needed y'all to know that I mean business. Look forward to talking with each and every one of you over the course of the season.Obviously Tim Couch is no Ryan Leaf, but we should accept him. Again, if you want to get in line for an interview lou.c.olsen@gmail.com is the address to send your interest too. So fucking do it already.
Week 3 Re-Cap
Nut Swings vs Ali's Fist
109.9 119
I am starting with this game because the outcome may not matter. Based on an anonymous tip from Charles Kinzie...whoops. The word on the street is that the Claymakers may not have sent payment to the Commissioners office in time, and therefore would forfeit their first W of the season. Look, I posted it on the blog and Chuck plastered it all over the league home page. If this goes down as an L for the Claymakers, then they have no one to blame but head coach Blake Derr. To lose to a Madison team by forfeit is a new low. Now, remember that this is all speculation and has not been confirmed by the Commish's office. However, it is highly reported amongst the WWSR press outlets...me. I was able to catch up with captain Banana Hammock himself, Coach Davy, after the game. Boner of the Week: Blake Derr
I mean, I probably should have known that Beanie Wells wasn't gonna play. That was my bad, but to be honest I hope Blake didn't pay his dues. My mother had a saying, 'never look a gay horse in the mouth'. So, if things shake out to a win for my team, I will run until my legs spontaneously combust. I will make Forrest Gump look like he was running in the Special Olympics, I will run so fucking far!! I love acid!!!!!!
Butt Chocolates vs Butt Chocolate Swashbucklers
102.7 125.5
This game could have gone so many different ways. If legendary father, Lou Olsen, would have played Wes Welker he would have banished the Butt-Pirates to their favorite place...somewhere deep, dark, and kind of stinky. But, Olsen decided to go with legendary under-producer Deion Branch. Meanwhile, the Fannito-Bandito's continue to ride the wave of power that is Tom Brady and Matt Stafford. Thanks to Wes Welker not playing, Chuck-it-to-me has placed himself in the undefeated circle alone. Only three weeks in and the Butt-Pirates appear to be destined for playoff glory-
Listen Travolta, I have had enough of your shit. I already heard that you leaked the PRIVATE information I gave you about coach Derr. That was supposed to be on the down low!! You pinky swore man...does a pinky swear mean nothing to you. You know what, I think at the end of this season I am going to fire your ass. You are the worst reporter this staff has ever had. That's right, you are worse than Leaf and Olsen put together and you will NEVER be as good as Wally. Now get out of my face before I write a script for Grease 3 and force you to perform it as a one man show. Lord knows you need the money.
Nut-Sack Slashers vs Big Flaming Homo Team
143.6 100.8
Nic Tyson and I have had our differences in the past, but I was very excited to see him get his first victory of the season. My cock was even harder when I saw that he was playing against the Phantom of Fantasy Football, Dan Cozine. Who once again chose to send a small Malaysian dressed in leather and chains to coach his team, and once again...it showed. Darren McFadden accounted for 1/3 of Cozine's entire point total. On the other side of the field, every member of Tyson's team got involved in the scoring en route to his first victory of the new season. The dynamic duo of Greg Jennings and Calvin Johnson, continues to prove that they can win games for you all by themselves. After the game, I had a brief interview with Coach Tyson:Me: Hey Tyson? Did you know that Coach Cozine had his dues paid by his wife?
Tyson: That can't be true.Me: No, seriously. The Commish told me that when he got the check it was signed by Mrs. Cozine.
Tyson: That is awfully gay, but why are you telling me this?
Me: I want us to be friends.
Tyson: No deal. I've been hurt by you too many times before (sprints to the locker room)
Oh and this: Boner of the Week: Cozine's Malaysian Sex Slave...literally
Booze Hounds vs Lights, Camera, Blacktion
163.5 173.1
This game would have been game of the week, butt he score was not quite close enough. What this game did have, the two highest point outputs of the week. The win for Blaxploitation pushes their record to 2-1, while the loss for the Gin and Tonics dropped them to 2-1. Place your bets now, one of these two teams will be winning the West this season. Do yourself a favor go look at the box score of this game. It is absolutely stunning. Nothing quite like watching two large, strong, sexy
After the game I approached both coaches, but the Black team prison raped me and the alcoholic team poured booze into a funnel which was connected to my....ass...don't touch my...
Game of the Week
Fern Fuckers vs Fuzzy Clams
147.6 150.3
This contest really came down to one player, Tim Hightower. Now, there are two things we know about Coach Olsen Jr., he does not like losing and he takes his tea in the east wing. So, when Hightower failed to score the remaining 2.7 points the team needed, he was immediately traded. Coach Sweeney had to feel good, knowing that Hightower was nothing more than a busted ass, used 1989 Ford Taurus. With the victory, the Clams keep pace with the Butt-Pirates in the East. Whilst the reigning champs join the other 5 members of the 1-2 club. Boner of the Week: Jets D/ST After the game we were fortunate enough to talk with both coaches. I asked them each the same question: How now, brown cow?
Sweeney: I will take your nonsense as a compliment. We played well today. It is always a nice feather in your giant cap to take down the champs, but we have a lot of work to do...foreplay mostly. Time to get ready for some cocoa turds.
Olsen: There is something very wrong with you. I traded Hightower about 5 seconds after the game. Don't need guys who can't finish. You can't keep stroking a guy over and over again and get no results. He's Dad's problem now. Good luck getting any magic juice out of that guy.
Well, we had another exciting week. As is tradition, below you will find a picture of WWSW's newest reporters wife. Tim Couch may have been a horrible football players, but women really only care about the money. Enjoy the titties you queers.
Lizzie wanted me to point out that in the interview with Coach Tyson, she was referred to as Mrs. Cozine, which is incorrect. Her name is Dr. Cozine. We are Mr. and Dr. Cozine.
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