Week 2 in Review

article by John Travolta

     Boy, this week was pretty much the exact opposite of last week.  Last week we had some close games, one 7 point game and even a 1.3 point game (Week1 Game of the Week).  But this week was blow-out after pathetic blow-out.  We had one team lose by just shy of 100 POINTS!!!!  Are you shitting me?  100 points seperated winner from loser.  This week was awful, so because of that there is no game of the week this week.  Maybe if you guys would play better we would not have this problem.  So don't come crying to me, you did this...not me. You guys were worse than "From Paris with Love".   

     Before we dive into the games, some quick business to attend to.  For the love of  L.Ron pay your damn dues.  No one wants to have a game taken away from them because they are too lazy to pay $25 and put a stamp on an envelope.  Please, pay your dues, otherwise Chuck won't stop bitching about it.  Also, if you have any interest in doing the first interview with this years special guest, send Lou Olsen an e-mail at lou.c.olsen@gmail.com.  First come, first serve.  The first person always has the best interview.  After that it will be on a volunteer basis, accept for Tyson who has agreed to consider doing an interview this year.  Way to be the bigger man Nic.  Two trades going down this week, Butt-Pirates and Booze-hounds struck a deal swapping QB's and WR's and earlier this afternoon the Humpers and Scrot Smashers completed a QB and RB swap. 

Week 2 Wrap-Up

Bootleggers    vs    Scrotum Smashers
      211.6                         112.5

Why start with this one?  Because it was the worst game of the week.  Here is something very telling,  our alcoholic friends worst output from a non K or D/ST position was 15 points.  Meanwhile, the Ballbag Beaters best player non K or D/ST, put up 19 points.  The expansion Bootleggers are off to a stunning 2-0 start , while the Madison boys are getting those shit stains all over the bed early.  It's hard to watch a team get throttled like that, especially when you know that the team getting throttled is trying really hard to not get throttled.  Then with so much throttling, it turns sexy and a little awkward.  This game was 0% sexy and 100% awkward.  Whose scrotum was really smashed here?  P.S- I am not sure, but I feel like 211 is the league record for points.  I will have to do some research, either way Bravo on an amazing performance this weekend Coach Leting.  Neither coach had any interest in talking to me, so here is a quote from Damon Wayans:

From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, and until you win some games, you will be bald like me.

Butt-Pirates    vs    Clam Faces
     160.9                      111.5

This probably could have been the game of the week, but these two spend more time talking then they do actually playing.  The Butt-Pirates were not intimidated by the countless beards in the crowd at Tractor Trailer Stadium.  Of course it was free beard night, but Kinzie never even flinched at the sea of homeless fans.  Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford combined to be the Co-Players of the Week, falling just shy of 70 points between them.  Coach Sweens has to figure out a way to get his WR's into the game and out of the strip clubs.  One of the most ferocious rivalries in this league, turned out to be nothing more than a post-intercourse poop for coach Kinzie and company.  The Wham Bam thank you Clams will have a tough test next week when the reigning champs come to D.C.  After the game we spoke to coach Kinzie about the victory:

When I built this team with my own two hands, I knew that my sole purpose was to destroy Sweeney and everything that he stood for.  Today was a good indicator that I may have succeeded in that goal.  To all of you furry clam lovers, how did it feel to be the 2nd gayest group of people on the football field.  I COACH WITH A GLITTER PEN!!! Stop booing me, this is John Travolta damn it!! Security!  So much hatred here, I can't take it.  Someone get me an Apple-tini...stat!!!

Hershey Squirts    vs    Banana Hammocks

       127.9                               190.7

Earlier in the week this was my lock of the week.  I did not think that the Dong Danglers had a chance against the Choco-Sharts.  But, thanks to the MVP of the Week, Miles Austin (41.1 pts), the Hammocks were able to pull away with this one.  The Squirts seem to have some things going, but Chris Johnson is still not carrying the load that he is used too...you heard me.  Meanwhile, the Hammocks have to be concerned about the health of Tony Romo, who loves playing for coach Davy so much that he had broken ribs, a punctured lung, severe pneumonia, a dislocated spine, 7 broken fingers, and we have initial reports that he may have contracted AND cured AIDS this week.  No telling if he will be able to play next week.  We talked with Coach Davy about his first victory since beating Tyson a bunch of times last season:

It feels really good to beat a team that does not have the word 'Madison' in front of it.  Tony Romo was my hero today.  I was also glad to see that Adrian Peterson had not contracted football syphilis from Donavan McNabb.  I can tell you one thing, the Squirts are much better than they were last season  (puts hand over microphone).  Never mind, I retract my previous statement and replace it with, the Squirts are not bad.

You heard it here first "The Squirts...are not bad"

 
Blacktion    vs    Tree Humpers
   148.6                     92.4

This game was a head scratcher.  The Champs got blown out of their own stadium by a bunch of black guys wearing all black jerseys and helmets.  It was like watching the night take over the day.  Let's waste no time in crowning, Boner of the Week - Matt Cassell who threw for a nut crunching -2.7 points.  Really the Humpers overall deserve this award.  The team looked like they had better places to be, like plating and sexing trees.  Let's not take anything away from the Dark Knights, aside from Felix Jones they look like a team ready to take the next step (whatever that means in fantasy football).  In order to celebrate their victory, the robbed three Seattle banks and put 7 strippers through college.  one thing is for sure, no team celebrates a victory like those Blackies.  Here are some victory words from Coach Craig:

Dominance...boner inducing...classy...awe-inspiring...breathtaking...shocking...terrifyingly wonderful...prostate exam...prostitutes...Charlie Sheen

Man-Handlers    vs    Claymakers
     199                             153.3

Well, at least it was nice to see that coach Cozine took my advice, did the right thing and named his team after the real head of that team.  The newly named man-handlers had no problem handling or making clay this weekend.  Although this was the "closest" game of the weekend.  It still did not merit being the game of the week.  However, this game did have the MVP of the Week, Jeremy Maclin who racked up an astonishing 42.2 points.  Which almost makes up the entire deficit for this game, but not quite.  Even if it were not for Mr. Maclin, this game was destined to send last year's silver medalist reaching for answers.  If a team like the Claymakers can be beaten by a team that is run by a half-man, half-ape Malaysian sex slave, then who won't be able to withstand the Claymakers?  Since i could not find Cozine or Blake after the game I went for the Malaysian Man-handler:

Misser....Dan.......hea......rike.......to.......maka......me.......foosbarr........coke.  Soma time....he...leta.....me.....massage....a....hiis......taint.......I.....do....no.....mind....da.....taint.  He ....keep....it.....nice......an....crean.  Him...say....it...make....me....betta......foosbarr.....coke...tha ...taint.....I ...mean

Well, that's it for your old pal John Travolta.  I guess I will go home and have some sex.  Although, I was invited to a Malaysian Man-Handler after party....NO!!!  That time in my life is over-ish.  Anyway, here is something hot from the realm of football.  This is the hottest picture I could find in the Lingerie Football League.  Until next time, stay classy you slut socks.