Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch, That Is

This season happened so quickly, it was hard to interview everyone.  Thank the sweet baby Tebow that I had time for this interview with Brian Sweeney.  Very rarely do I gush about meeting coaches, but Sweeney has represented all that is soulless and wrong in our sport for the past half-decade.  Getting to sit down with him was an honor, privelage, and reason to get a tetanus shot. 

Brian Patricia Sweeney is the son of a man whose quack was always bigger than his bite.  Sweeney vowed never to be a quacker like his old man.  We have no evidence to support that quacking is a hereditary trait, but this season sure came to quacking hault.  They say that the next morning, ducks all over the world cried out, "Come on Bry...don't do this to me Bry".  This adversity has turned Sweeney into one of the most polarizing figures in fantasy football today. 

BPSweens invited me to his fellatiol (that is spelled the way I meant it to be) mansion.  Which, as it turns out,  is more like a nuclear bunker stocked to the ceiling with whiskey and cigars than it is an actual mansion.  Sweeney had clearly been locked in this dank moldy heaven since his loss to, arch-rival and resident Ginger, Charles Kinzie.  The man looked like a Native American Fidel Castro, with a 15 year old girls acne. 

As I sat on a childs bicycle with the training wheels on it, we began to chew the fat of life.  Most of it off the record of course, but some of it was actually publishable.  Much of what you are about to read came from hours and hours of this recorded interview.  Everything from gay albino pigs, to a rough script for the next Sherlock Holmes movie.  The working title is:  Sherlock Holmes: The Missing Fruit Chews.  I laughed, I cried, I pooped, I ate, we drank...and smoked, passed out, puked on each other, showered in whiskey, then everything got dark....fuck it.  It was like a 3 day bender.  That cellar is like a fucking casino, 15 minutes in cellar time is 6 hours in real life. 

If you don't enjoy this, you are probably racist...against tan people. 


TC:  Your Eastern Conference Championship game, against Chuck, came down to the final 5 minutes of the Giants and Cowboys game of that week.  You had roughly a 16 point lead as the 4th quarter clock struck 5:00.  Only 5 minutes...and you were going to be playing for the title.  How deflating where those 5 minutes for you?

BS:  You know, I was not even watching.  Truth be told, I was enjoying Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.  Since I was pretty sure I would be losing to Chuckles, I figured my time would be better spent watching Macaulay Culkin's finest work.  What really pissed me off was that Charles had a very mediocre day.  I outcoached myself in the end.  Made too many poor decisions.  Letting Malcolm Floyd play instead of Laurent Robinsons was a huge mistake...and Maurice Morris?!?!  What the hell was I thinking on that one?  My bench scored almost 100 points that day.  Therefore, rather than bitching and complaining about it, I am going to formally begin a public slander campaign against the Butt-Pirates and all that they stand for.

TC:  Follow-up question:  Charles Roger Kinzie is no doubt your biggest rival.  Dating all the way back to last season when you had some legendary battles on the invisible gridiron.  How devastating is it to have been swept by that Ginger this season?

BS:  Pretty rough.  I had not even thought about it until you brought it up...dick.  It is extra bad because he is also the Commissioner.  I liken him to the great and powerful Oz, the only problem is that I have never been able to pull back the curtain revealing nothing more than a man.  He had some lucky breaks this year and was certainly more in-tune to football happenings than anyone else.  None of this matters, for you see, I will be killing his first born child regardless.  So, I've got that going for me.

TC:  There have been a lot of negative story lines surrounding the league this year.  Which particular incident would you say gave the league, as a whole, the biggest black eye?

BS:  Blake-gate.  No question.  That was pretty bad.  I think Charlie was a little too strong handed initially, but that does not explain why Blake couldn't pay his fucking dues like the rest of us.  Then he acted like the entire league was conspiring against him.  Every single member of the league mailed a check to Charlie, including Dan's wife.  So, if my math is correct, that makes Blake worse than Dan's wife.  Anyway, it's over now and hopefully we can all pay on time next year. 

TC:  Speaking of Dan, he made 4 name changes this season (Rainbows, Malaysian Manhandlers, Jizz Bolts, Not Means).  Which one did you like the best?

BS:  Well, I liked the Manhandlers because of how insanely racist it was.  But the Jizz Bolts will always be number one in my heart.  The other two names were just awful.  The Rainbows was just un-original and super gay.  Although, not quite as gay as the Not Means.  That name is just stupid.  There is a strong possibility that Dan has secretly lost his mind. 

TC:  Let's go back to Blake for a second.  In your opinion, is Blake Derr a good coach?

BS:  Yes, he is a good waiver guy

TC:  Is he a good person?

BS:  No

TC:  Good lover?

BS:  You would have to ask Mrs. Kinzie

TC:  Good with farm animals?

BS:  I have never seen him with farm animals before, but I know that he has never been in prison.  Which means he does not have an impulse to fuck them...let's just say yes.

TC:  Nic Tyson took his team from worst to first this year.  As a veteran coach in this league, have you ever seen anything quite like this?

BS:  Truth be told, I do not remember why his team was so bad last year.  I always thought Tyson would do well.  He has a keen football mind. 

TC:  Do you think that the Tree Humpers and Hershey Squirts could bounce back in a similar fashion next
season?

BS:  Both Olsen's had really bad injury breaks.  Lou Sr.'s started immediately, while the Younger Lou's team lost the injury battle down the stretch of the regular season.  I think they could both bounce back next year.  In fact, I think they are destined to be better in 2012.

TC:  Nick Leiting came into the league this year and blew everyone out of the water.  Then injuries slowly destroyed his title aspirations.  Do you believe karma was involved, or do the fantasy gods just hate Tim Tebow?  (Please note, Leiting's team was in perfect health until Tebow was added to the roster)

BS:  It was a very interesting series of coincidences, but I do not see how Tebow is at fault in the teams sudden downfall.  In my opinion it is fitting that he missed out on the championship.  I mean, this guy was horseshoe in his urethra lucky.  Every guy he picked up turned into a 30 point a week monster.  I will not be sheding a tear for him though, his future is so bright.  In fantasy football, luck will only take you so far.  That was the downfall of the Bootleggers.

TC:  As a writer for this fine site, who is your favorite lightning rod?  And who is your least favorite person to pick on?

BS:  I always find myself gearing towards Lou Sr., but then I feel bad.  Tyson is a guy I always like to try and get all fired up.  My personal favorite is Davy because he personifies the "lovable loser".  As for the person I least like to pick on...this year it was probably Lou Sr. again.  His team was just tragic, so I did not want to be the guy shoving salty lemon semen into his open wounds. 

TC:  If you could let one other coach in this league run the Clam Faces for a week, who would it be?

BS:  As much as it pains my groin to say this, Charlie.  He pays the most attention to the league and waiver wire transactions.  That does not change the fact that he is a rat-faced bastard and a cock-sucking coward.  On the flip side, those things make him a good coach.




This is an actual Clam Face...horrifying!!


TC:  Which coach would you not let run your team?

BS:  This is an easy one, Craig.  He has fucked up repeatedly, non-stop, all season long.  The guy is way to busy diving for Eskimo poon and watching old clips of Mike Ditka to care about his own team.

TC:  How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

BS:  I don't know...too many?

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

BS:  Follow Your Dick!

TC:  Tupac?

BS:  No, Tupac lives in Vegas...I've seen him.

 

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

BS:  Probably dogs.  I feel like they would have pretty useful information.  You could have them do favors for you and you could pay them in meat.  There is a lot of upside to talking with dogs. TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
BS:  Cosby Sweater.  I envision it being pubes covering a turd, which is somehow included in the sexual experience.

 

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

BS:  Can both knock you the fuck out

TC:  How are M&M's made?

 

BS:  They are crapped out by North Pole dwelling rabbits.  It's poo with a candy shell.

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?

BS:  I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers.  Pretty unoriginal, but he seems to always be having fun.  I am pretty sure he is the baddest mother fucker on the planet. 

 

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?

BS:  Nazi's.  I just wathced WWII in HD...fuck those guys.

 

 

 

TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

BS:  Yes, he died on the crapper 

West Division Obituaries: Part Deux

Afirmative Blacktion, we hardly knew ye. After a questionable draft featuring a defense picked in the seventh round (Pittsburgh), the early-season dropping of monster tight end Rob Gronkowski and several roster-setting miscues, fate has finally caught up with Coach Moylan.

That's right, folks: Fantasy football season is over for the 5-8 Blacktions. Always unpredictable, Coach Moylan's team defeated the season-long championship-favorite Bootleggers of Kenowhere, then spiraled into a six-game losing streak. After snapping that streak with a win against the beleaguered Tree Humpers, he again showed his big black balls to Coach Leiting and his juggernaut of a team.

We never knew what to expect from Coach Moylan. Example: In week five, he started Ray Rice and Fred Davis, both of whom were on bye weeks. Perhaps he had so much confidence in Rice that he suspected the super-stud Raven would put up 10 or so points through sheer will alone. Maybe he was in Eastern Europe fingerbanging babushkas. We can only speculate, and that is the nature of Moylan -- mysterious, unpredictable and decidedly erratic/erotic.

Much like poor Johnny Knox (twelfth round draft pick) and his broken back, Coach Moylan's Affirmative Blacktion must wait until next year to return to the field. We may question his draft choices, his lineups and waiver moves, but in the end, he beat the number one seed not once, but twice. Perhaps there is some wisdom in this wild maverick renegade after all.

We will be interested to see how his season develops next year, when he is resurrected from the cold Alaskan earth he will be interred in later this month. Godspeed, Moylan. see you next year old friend.

R.I.P. Craig Moylan

The K-Town Bootleggers came into the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football Brotherhood with their guns blazing. After a 10-3 season, striking fear into the hearts of most, injuries befell the team, sending it to a third place final standing that hardly lived up to expectations for the good Coach.

Not bad for a rookie.

That's not what Coach Leiting would say, however. With crippling injuries coming late in the season to Matt Forte, Fred Jackson and Jay Cutler, he might say something with a little more colorful language attached. This would of course be exacerbated by any mention of the early-season injury to his second-round pick, Texan wide receiver Andre Johnson. Before his injury, the star WR averaged about 18 points per game. Ouch.

Leiting made the best of it, however, picking himself up to become the regular season Goliath this year. We can only imagine what could have been, should his team remained healthy. The waiver prowess and instinct of this newcomer have put him on the radar for all the other coaches in the league. Next year will be an interesting one, and all the 2011 point leader will need to take 2012 is a little better luck on the injury front. Like it or not, Coach Nick, you're the league antagonist now. Forgive us if we revel in your defeat -- it's nothing personal.

You'd better put on your black cowboy hat. Because this is an obituary, you see, and you're dead. Give Kim Jong-il my regards and we'll see you next year.

R.I.P. Nick Leiting

Lou's Championship Preview

This picture will make more sense later...or not.

Sorry I have been absent for a little while.  As many of you know, the Brewers have been doing...things.  Some good, some bad, but either way I have spent the last week defending a Jewish baseball player who tested positive for having too much testosterone.  Thank the almighty Tebow we do not persecute testosterone in this league.  I digress...

The season is just about over.  We have had some good games, but we have also had some total ass plungings.  None of that matters now.  Not Dan's insistence on all of us being nice to him, not Blake getting punched in the face by a member of the "Nice" Cozine family, not even Davy catching each and every one of us in a banana hammock.  The only thing that matters now is the match-up between a man with fiery ginger pubes and Tyson...who may have no pubes (I will have to have our research team look into that, but generally a man known for scrotum smashing would probably want his nut pouch smoother than Tiger Woods in a strip club).  If you had your money on this championship pairing, you are a liar, none of us saw this coming. 


The Philadelphia Butt-Pirates

*The Butt-Pirates defeated the Washington D.C. Clam Faces by 1.8 points in the Eastern Division Championship.  Coach Sweeney was royally pissed off. 

A new city, a new name, and an entire team tripping balls on whiskey sours and Aderol.  The Booty Buccaneers had three different streaks this season; a 3-game winning streak to start the season, followed by a 4-game losing streak, and have now rattled off 7 straight wins.  To call this team streaky, would be doing an injustice to streakers all over the world.  The last time Chuckles McGingy lost a game?  Week 7 against...the Madison Scrotum Smashers. 

The face of  a soulless champion

The Jolly Rectum Rogers key to the game is the play of Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford.  Both of his QB's are projected to score north of 25 points this weekend.  Sadly for Charlie's nutsack, the rest of his team is not expected to be even close to that 25 point mark.  As early as draft day, Chuck knew that his team would live and die by the play of his QB's.  This weekends Championship will be no different.  If Brady and Stafford falter, the reign of Ginger supremacy will come crashing down. 

If Chuckles wants any hope of receiving the Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy in the mail next week, he needs to hope that Cam Newton does not go on a random crazy streak.  The truth is, you can not stop Cam Newton, you can only hope to seduce him with candy and funny stories.  Kevin Smith is another wild card that could come back to bite Chulo in the freckled butt cheeks.  If Smith does return to action this week, he could be a huge piece of Ginger Snap Champ Pie. 

ESPN Projected Points:  165
Lou's Projected Points:  147


Madison Scrotum Smashers

* The Scrotum Smashers defeated the heavily favored K-Town Bootleggers by 36.5 points.  Coach Leiting could not believe how smooth Nic's nut sack was...or why he spelled his name without a K. 

What is the gayest possible analogy I can use for this team?  Hmm?  Nic Tyson's Nut Sack Gnashers are the sexiest Tranny to ever lose a glass slipper (Cinderella...get it?).  Last season Coach Tyson was the laughing stock of the league (outside of his own home).  Look at him now.  Living in an underwater hideaway off of a banana plantation.  His teams success this year has enabled him to afford laser hair removal for his scrotum.  When asked why, "in the event mine is smashed, I want it to look like Patrick Stewart".  You don't mess with success.

Doritos fully endorses Nic Tyson's title run

Although Tyson only compiled a 7-6 record in the regular season, his team was built for postseason play.  The Sack Slashers roster is comprised of players who have something to play for this week.  One glaring flaw in his quest for the Ryan Leaf Action Figure, he has two guys matching up against the Ravens D and two others going up against the 49ers D.  This could be a recipe for shorned sack stew.  On the other hand, he has beaten all of the odds by even making it this far, so maybe his sack will laugh last.  

If Tyson wants any chance of winning this game he needs to pray to Tim Tebow, that Tom Brady and Matt Stafford go out and lay eggs.  Greg Jennings will not be playing this weekend, which leaves Tyson with only one option...a Black Frenchman, Pierre Garcon.  The last thing you want on the field of battle, especially when it is a fight to the death, is a french person.  Sadly, Nic has no other option.  Much like any French War, this game could be over before it even begins.  But, we must keep in mind that the Silky Scrots took down arguably the best team in the league all season long.  Nothing is out of the realm of possibility.


ESPN Projected Points:  132
Lou's Projected Points:  141

In the end, I think that the Commissioner will finally wear the crown.  A big, gay, Ryan Leaf encrusted crown.  It has been a long time coming and this seems to be his moment.  Normally I would not encourage a ginger to succeed, but my pick for this game is the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates. 

I applaud Nic for his amazing season, but in the end I think Charlie's big balls (Brady and Stafford) will be too much Scrotum to smash.  No matter how it shakes down, both men will make a little money and have bragging rights over all of our sorry asses going into next season. 

This week, Sweeney and I will have more obituaries for the rest of you sad sacks who blew your chance to be playing in a meaningful game this weekend.  Plus there is going to be an interview with Sweeney to close out the season interview series with Tim Couch, who will be fired because he is too f-ing nice. 

As always, it has been a pleasure doing battle with all of you.  My apologies for the blog not living up to my expectations.  I had hoped to blow all of your minds, but the Brewers Blog started paying me...so I hope you guys understand.  Just know that I still like you more.   
 

Western Division Obituaries

Louis Olsen IV, 28, of Seattle died November 28, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the only son of Louis III. He was educated on the frozen tundra of Minnesota, attending Winona University.

In 2010 he was married to Wally, a small dog if indeterminate breed, who he hoped to bring to Las Vegas to earn a living on the gambling circuit. He got sidetracked en route, joining the West Wilson Street Revival Fantasy Football League, where he ultimately tested fate one too many times. Like his idol, Brent Farve before him, Coach Olsen IV led his team to a championship, then got addicted to Vicodin and sexted Jenn Sterger a picture of his wrinkled, has-been donger. While Coach Olsen’s season will soon be but a memory, that image will forever live on in her Motorola Razr, and on the internets.

Having lost three games by less than three points, one wonders what could have been this season for Lou's beloved Tree Humpers. But considering that he started Joe Flacco and John Skelton in a late-season game, the universe seems to have once again balanced itself.

He administered the West Wilson Street Weekly web log, and maintains relations with luminaries such as John Travolta, Tim Couch and his esteemed colleagues and compatriots of the WWS Revival League.He assembled a true team of rivals.

Funeral services are private and will be held on the island in the form of a Viking funeral. Memorial gifts in Coach Olsen’s memory can be made to PFLAG, 1828 L Street NW, Suite 660, Washington, D.C., 20036.

His charred remains, save for his perfect blond locks, which he has willed to John Travolta, will be on display at the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

His will simply says “Curb Alert,” so his possessions will be placed curbside on Sunday, December 4, advertised with a craigslist.org free ad.

He will be missed.

R.I.P. Louis Olsen, IV

Daniel Winston Cozine, 27, of Rochester, Minn., died November 20, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the son of Cara and Mike Cozine. He was “educated” at the University of Minnesota.

Dan died clutching his computer mouse, checking the results of a matchup against beloved frenemy Nicolas Tyson. This was the culmination of a long battle with mediocrity that was difficult for everyone involved. The first sign Dan was in decline came at the absolute first moment possible.

Those closest to him knew when he prioritized a trip to an all-male nude beach over participation in the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football draft, that Coach Cozine’s mental foundation was beginning to crack. His colleagues began planning this obituary after he appeared in the 12^th round of the draft to choose kicker Nate Kaeding, who would later injure himself warming up for his first kick of the year.

Clearly, Dan’s mental and physical capacities diminished significantly, very early on. It got so bad that with Cozine unable to peel the back off a self-adhesive stamp, his lovely wife, Lizzie, was forced to mail in his dues in his stead.

After that ship of paralyzing hopelessness sailed, Coach Dan continued his erratic decline, changing his team’s name a number of times. Providing a flicker of hope, he once harkened back to the glory of the 2010 Rochester Jizz Bolts. But he relapsed, and his legacy will forever be known under the uninspiring moniker “Not Means.” Whatever disease so drastically and unnaturally affected his decision-making at the last, doctors have been unable to determine.

What is known is that Dan never really had a fair shake, having had a robot pick his team this year, at least in part. He is survived by his diarrhea-eating vizsla, Cosmo. 

R.I.P. Dan Cozine

Eastern Division Obituaries

Sweetest Casket ever?

Sweeney and I decided that we would do something different this week, so we will not be doing a weekly re-cap.  John Travolta was so angry, Sweeney had to agree to go on a 3 week love cruise in the Bahamas with said actor/staff writer.  We all know Brian...he was more than happy to go. 

As is with all seasons, several teams were "officially" eliminated from the quest for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.  Brian and I thought it only fair, that we give each team a proper send-off.  We agreed to write the obituaries for the opposite division of our own.  Therefore, today you will be saying goodbye to your friends from the Eastern Division.

As is the case with all death's, we must celebrate the life...in death.  That sounds really stupid when I write it out, but people say that crap all of the time.  Anyway, let's say bon voyage to our comrades. 


Kenosha Hershey Squirts

This is a Fantasy Football life that ended before it even began. On paper, the Squirts looked like the team to beat, but on the field, they quickly turned into a team everyone could beat. Now, they face a fate worse than death...the possibility of letting someone else name their team next season. 

On draft day, no team looked better. Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman would be taking the snaps, Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis would be doing the running, Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker would be a dynamic duo, and Jermichael Finley would start at Tight End and be backed up by Jimmy Graham. If it would have been 2010, we would all be kissing Olsen Sr.'s Hershey Squirt-hole. Too bad it was 2011.   

Peyton Manning never even touched the field, which basically eliminated Reggie Wayne as a threat. Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis underperformed to a degree that this league has never seen. Chris Johnson was a risky draft pick, but after his past few seasons no one thought he would perform like a deflated sex doll. Hillis' insistence on shitting the bed lead to his eventual outright release from the team.  

Big Lou Olsen can not be blamed for his teams failure...too much. Anyone who paid any attention, saw how feverishly he watched that waiver wire looking for any sort of spark to get his team out of the crapper. Cearly that time would have been better served masturbating. 

The Tractor Trailer knew that his season was over about 5 weeks in and just started cutting guys he
deemed "unworthy" to wear choco-sharts on their helmet. Which eventually lead to a team that was captained by Christian Ponder and Andy Dalton. 

The Squirts were a team we all rooted for (in secrecy), but knew that they would blow it in the end. Like Nate Kaeding, or the New York Jets.  This past weekends game was a microcosm of their season. The Choca-Poos held a 33.9 point lead going into Monday night, Ginger nuts only had WR Victor Cruz left playing...Cruz scored 36.1 points. Thus the season in a flacid nutshell, for Big Lou Olsen.

In the end it is all about having fun. Truth be told, no one had more fun each week than the old man. Let's not kid ourselves, watching that guy work the waiver wire was entertainment for all of us. If nothing else, we should at least applaud his effort to get better. There were some teams who sat around being nice to everybody, rather than making their team any better.

The Kenosha Hershey Squirts were certainly not the worst team we have ever seen, but they were never good either. If I were the old man, I would crack open a beer and phone it in for the "Loser's Playoffs". The only way to make a fantasy football death worse? Be crowned "King of the Losers".  This is a fate that the Tractor Trailer will refuse to accept. But, you can bet your sweet ass he will be
back next year, with months of studying under his belt.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Hershey Squirts...

May they rest in pieces...Reese's Pieces.


Madison Banana Hammocks

There was no better story this season, than that of the two teams from Madison. Davy Jones-Wagner spent all of last off-season trying to figure out how to make his team better. He started with a name change, going from the Firebirds to the Banana Hammocks. 

Going into the draft, improving seemed like a pretty easy task considering Wally granted him the #2 overall pick. The truth is Adrian Peterson can only do so much.  A tough lesson to learn for DWJ and the Minnesota Vikings...who also deserve an obituary. 

Unlike the Vikings, death did not come without a fight from the Naners. If they played in the West division, they would be neck in neck with their cross-town rivals for the final playoff spot. But, the fantasy gods peeled their banana before it was ripe. Green banana's are frowned upon in most walks of life, especially in the greater Madison area. 

Should they win this weekend, they will end the season with a winning record. There is never shame in that...unless of course it is fantasy football.

For the second straight year, Coach Davy will be prepping his team for the "Loser Bowl". This year will be a little different, but the endgame is still the same. Either you play hard and try to win, or throw the Lameoffs and spark up the hookah. Fortunately for Davy and company, they will be stoned to be-Tebow and will probably have forgotten all about this season by the 18th of December.  

This was a team whose life we should celebrate. To go from worst to second worst is nothing short of...better. We could sit here and complain about how pathetic Mark Sanchez was, or how disappointing Miles Austin was, but we should be embracing guys like Beanie Wells and Nick Novak (the OTHER Chargers kicker). It is really surprising that a team with Alex Smith on it did not make it into the playoffs though.

A win this weekend would put the Cock Cradles at 7-6 for the season and end the regular season on a 3 game win streak. What a way to dive feet first into your grave. Luckily for Mr. Wagner-Jones, he was good enough to retain the right to pick his own team name for the 2012 season.

It is with a very heavy heart, we here at WWSW lay this team to rest. Coach DJW is a close friend of our site and does some great photo work (see his risque works above) behind the scenes, but in the end...all of the cropping and 180 degree rotations in the world could not get his team into the chase for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Banana Hammocks...

May heaven be full of ripe, mature dongs...err bananas.