Lou's Championship Preview

This picture will make more sense later...or not.

Sorry I have been absent for a little while.  As many of you know, the Brewers have been doing...things.  Some good, some bad, but either way I have spent the last week defending a Jewish baseball player who tested positive for having too much testosterone.  Thank the almighty Tebow we do not persecute testosterone in this league.  I digress...

The season is just about over.  We have had some good games, but we have also had some total ass plungings.  None of that matters now.  Not Dan's insistence on all of us being nice to him, not Blake getting punched in the face by a member of the "Nice" Cozine family, not even Davy catching each and every one of us in a banana hammock.  The only thing that matters now is the match-up between a man with fiery ginger pubes and Tyson...who may have no pubes (I will have to have our research team look into that, but generally a man known for scrotum smashing would probably want his nut pouch smoother than Tiger Woods in a strip club).  If you had your money on this championship pairing, you are a liar, none of us saw this coming. 


The Philadelphia Butt-Pirates

*The Butt-Pirates defeated the Washington D.C. Clam Faces by 1.8 points in the Eastern Division Championship.  Coach Sweeney was royally pissed off. 

A new city, a new name, and an entire team tripping balls on whiskey sours and Aderol.  The Booty Buccaneers had three different streaks this season; a 3-game winning streak to start the season, followed by a 4-game losing streak, and have now rattled off 7 straight wins.  To call this team streaky, would be doing an injustice to streakers all over the world.  The last time Chuckles McGingy lost a game?  Week 7 against...the Madison Scrotum Smashers. 

The face of  a soulless champion

The Jolly Rectum Rogers key to the game is the play of Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford.  Both of his QB's are projected to score north of 25 points this weekend.  Sadly for Charlie's nutsack, the rest of his team is not expected to be even close to that 25 point mark.  As early as draft day, Chuck knew that his team would live and die by the play of his QB's.  This weekends Championship will be no different.  If Brady and Stafford falter, the reign of Ginger supremacy will come crashing down. 

If Chuckles wants any hope of receiving the Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy in the mail next week, he needs to hope that Cam Newton does not go on a random crazy streak.  The truth is, you can not stop Cam Newton, you can only hope to seduce him with candy and funny stories.  Kevin Smith is another wild card that could come back to bite Chulo in the freckled butt cheeks.  If Smith does return to action this week, he could be a huge piece of Ginger Snap Champ Pie. 

ESPN Projected Points:  165
Lou's Projected Points:  147


Madison Scrotum Smashers

* The Scrotum Smashers defeated the heavily favored K-Town Bootleggers by 36.5 points.  Coach Leiting could not believe how smooth Nic's nut sack was...or why he spelled his name without a K. 

What is the gayest possible analogy I can use for this team?  Hmm?  Nic Tyson's Nut Sack Gnashers are the sexiest Tranny to ever lose a glass slipper (Cinderella...get it?).  Last season Coach Tyson was the laughing stock of the league (outside of his own home).  Look at him now.  Living in an underwater hideaway off of a banana plantation.  His teams success this year has enabled him to afford laser hair removal for his scrotum.  When asked why, "in the event mine is smashed, I want it to look like Patrick Stewart".  You don't mess with success.

Doritos fully endorses Nic Tyson's title run

Although Tyson only compiled a 7-6 record in the regular season, his team was built for postseason play.  The Sack Slashers roster is comprised of players who have something to play for this week.  One glaring flaw in his quest for the Ryan Leaf Action Figure, he has two guys matching up against the Ravens D and two others going up against the 49ers D.  This could be a recipe for shorned sack stew.  On the other hand, he has beaten all of the odds by even making it this far, so maybe his sack will laugh last.  

If Tyson wants any chance of winning this game he needs to pray to Tim Tebow, that Tom Brady and Matt Stafford go out and lay eggs.  Greg Jennings will not be playing this weekend, which leaves Tyson with only one option...a Black Frenchman, Pierre Garcon.  The last thing you want on the field of battle, especially when it is a fight to the death, is a french person.  Sadly, Nic has no other option.  Much like any French War, this game could be over before it even begins.  But, we must keep in mind that the Silky Scrots took down arguably the best team in the league all season long.  Nothing is out of the realm of possibility.


ESPN Projected Points:  132
Lou's Projected Points:  141

In the end, I think that the Commissioner will finally wear the crown.  A big, gay, Ryan Leaf encrusted crown.  It has been a long time coming and this seems to be his moment.  Normally I would not encourage a ginger to succeed, but my pick for this game is the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates. 

I applaud Nic for his amazing season, but in the end I think Charlie's big balls (Brady and Stafford) will be too much Scrotum to smash.  No matter how it shakes down, both men will make a little money and have bragging rights over all of our sorry asses going into next season. 

This week, Sweeney and I will have more obituaries for the rest of you sad sacks who blew your chance to be playing in a meaningful game this weekend.  Plus there is going to be an interview with Sweeney to close out the season interview series with Tim Couch, who will be fired because he is too f-ing nice. 

As always, it has been a pleasure doing battle with all of you.  My apologies for the blog not living up to my expectations.  I had hoped to blow all of your minds, but the Brewers Blog started paying me...so I hope you guys understand.  Just know that I still like you more.