Eastern Division Obituaries

Sweetest Casket ever?

Sweeney and I decided that we would do something different this week, so we will not be doing a weekly re-cap.  John Travolta was so angry, Sweeney had to agree to go on a 3 week love cruise in the Bahamas with said actor/staff writer.  We all know Brian...he was more than happy to go. 

As is with all seasons, several teams were "officially" eliminated from the quest for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.  Brian and I thought it only fair, that we give each team a proper send-off.  We agreed to write the obituaries for the opposite division of our own.  Therefore, today you will be saying goodbye to your friends from the Eastern Division.

As is the case with all death's, we must celebrate the life...in death.  That sounds really stupid when I write it out, but people say that crap all of the time.  Anyway, let's say bon voyage to our comrades. 


Kenosha Hershey Squirts

This is a Fantasy Football life that ended before it even began. On paper, the Squirts looked like the team to beat, but on the field, they quickly turned into a team everyone could beat. Now, they face a fate worse than death...the possibility of letting someone else name their team next season. 

On draft day, no team looked better. Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman would be taking the snaps, Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis would be doing the running, Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker would be a dynamic duo, and Jermichael Finley would start at Tight End and be backed up by Jimmy Graham. If it would have been 2010, we would all be kissing Olsen Sr.'s Hershey Squirt-hole. Too bad it was 2011.   

Peyton Manning never even touched the field, which basically eliminated Reggie Wayne as a threat. Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis underperformed to a degree that this league has never seen. Chris Johnson was a risky draft pick, but after his past few seasons no one thought he would perform like a deflated sex doll. Hillis' insistence on shitting the bed lead to his eventual outright release from the team.  

Big Lou Olsen can not be blamed for his teams failure...too much. Anyone who paid any attention, saw how feverishly he watched that waiver wire looking for any sort of spark to get his team out of the crapper. Cearly that time would have been better served masturbating. 

The Tractor Trailer knew that his season was over about 5 weeks in and just started cutting guys he
deemed "unworthy" to wear choco-sharts on their helmet. Which eventually lead to a team that was captained by Christian Ponder and Andy Dalton. 

The Squirts were a team we all rooted for (in secrecy), but knew that they would blow it in the end. Like Nate Kaeding, or the New York Jets.  This past weekends game was a microcosm of their season. The Choca-Poos held a 33.9 point lead going into Monday night, Ginger nuts only had WR Victor Cruz left playing...Cruz scored 36.1 points. Thus the season in a flacid nutshell, for Big Lou Olsen.

In the end it is all about having fun. Truth be told, no one had more fun each week than the old man. Let's not kid ourselves, watching that guy work the waiver wire was entertainment for all of us. If nothing else, we should at least applaud his effort to get better. There were some teams who sat around being nice to everybody, rather than making their team any better.

The Kenosha Hershey Squirts were certainly not the worst team we have ever seen, but they were never good either. If I were the old man, I would crack open a beer and phone it in for the "Loser's Playoffs". The only way to make a fantasy football death worse? Be crowned "King of the Losers".  This is a fate that the Tractor Trailer will refuse to accept. But, you can bet your sweet ass he will be
back next year, with months of studying under his belt.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Hershey Squirts...

May they rest in pieces...Reese's Pieces.


Madison Banana Hammocks

There was no better story this season, than that of the two teams from Madison. Davy Jones-Wagner spent all of last off-season trying to figure out how to make his team better. He started with a name change, going from the Firebirds to the Banana Hammocks. 

Going into the draft, improving seemed like a pretty easy task considering Wally granted him the #2 overall pick. The truth is Adrian Peterson can only do so much.  A tough lesson to learn for DWJ and the Minnesota Vikings...who also deserve an obituary. 

Unlike the Vikings, death did not come without a fight from the Naners. If they played in the West division, they would be neck in neck with their cross-town rivals for the final playoff spot. But, the fantasy gods peeled their banana before it was ripe. Green banana's are frowned upon in most walks of life, especially in the greater Madison area. 

Should they win this weekend, they will end the season with a winning record. There is never shame in that...unless of course it is fantasy football.

For the second straight year, Coach Davy will be prepping his team for the "Loser Bowl". This year will be a little different, but the endgame is still the same. Either you play hard and try to win, or throw the Lameoffs and spark up the hookah. Fortunately for Davy and company, they will be stoned to be-Tebow and will probably have forgotten all about this season by the 18th of December.  

This was a team whose life we should celebrate. To go from worst to second worst is nothing short of...better. We could sit here and complain about how pathetic Mark Sanchez was, or how disappointing Miles Austin was, but we should be embracing guys like Beanie Wells and Nick Novak (the OTHER Chargers kicker). It is really surprising that a team with Alex Smith on it did not make it into the playoffs though.

A win this weekend would put the Cock Cradles at 7-6 for the season and end the regular season on a 3 game win streak. What a way to dive feet first into your grave. Luckily for Mr. Wagner-Jones, he was good enough to retain the right to pick his own team name for the 2012 season.

It is with a very heavy heart, we here at WWSW lay this team to rest. Coach DJW is a close friend of our site and does some great photo work (see his risque works above) behind the scenes, but in the end...all of the cropping and 180 degree rotations in the world could not get his team into the chase for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Banana Hammocks...

May heaven be full of ripe, mature dongs...err bananas.