Louis Olsen IV, 28, of Seattle died November 28, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the only son of Louis III. He was educated on the frozen tundra of Minnesota, attending Winona University.
In 2010 he was married to Wally, a small dog if indeterminate breed, who he hoped to bring to Las Vegas to earn a living on the gambling circuit. He got sidetracked en route, joining the West Wilson Street Revival Fantasy Football League, where he ultimately tested fate one too many times. Like his idol, Brent Farve before him, Coach Olsen IV led his team to a championship, then got addicted to Vicodin and sexted Jenn Sterger a picture of his wrinkled, has-been donger. While Coach Olsen’s season will soon be but a memory, that image will forever live on in her Motorola Razr, and on the internets.
Having lost three games by less than three points, one wonders what could have been this season for Lou's beloved Tree Humpers. But considering that he started Joe Flacco and John Skelton in a late-season game, the universe seems to have once again balanced itself.
He administered the West Wilson Street Weekly web log, and maintains relations with luminaries such as John Travolta, Tim Couch and his esteemed colleagues and compatriots of the WWS Revival League.He assembled a true team of rivals.
Funeral services are private and will be held on the island in the form of a Viking funeral. Memorial gifts in Coach Olsen’s memory can be made to PFLAG, 1828 L Street NW, Suite 660, Washington, D.C., 20036.
His charred remains, save for his perfect blond locks, which he has willed to John Travolta, will be on display at the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.
His will simply says “Curb Alert,” so his possessions will be placed curbside on Sunday, December 4, advertised with a craigslist.org free ad.
He will be missed.
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| R.I.P. Louis Olsen, IV |
Daniel Winston Cozine, 27, of Rochester, Minn., died November 20, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the son of Cara and Mike Cozine. He was “educated” at the University of Minnesota.
Dan died clutching his computer mouse, checking the results of a matchup against beloved frenemy Nicolas Tyson. This was the culmination of a long battle with mediocrity that was difficult for everyone involved. The first sign Dan was in decline came at the absolute first moment possible.
Those closest to him knew when he prioritized a trip to an all-male nude beach over participation in the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football draft, that Coach Cozine’s mental foundation was beginning to crack. His colleagues began planning this obituary after he appeared in the 12th round of the draft to choose kicker Nate Kaeding, who would later injure himself warming up for his first kick of the year.
Clearly, Dan’s mental and physical capacities diminished significantly, very early on. It got so bad that with Cozine unable to peel the back off a self-adhesive stamp, his lovely wife, Lizzie, was forced to mail in his dues in his stead.
After that ship of paralyzing hopelessness sailed, Coach Dan continued his erratic decline, changing his team’s name a number of times. Providing a flicker of hope, he once harkened back to the glory of the 2010 Rochester Jizz Bolts. But he relapsed, and his legacy will forever be known under the uninspiring moniker “Not Means.” Whatever disease so drastically and unnaturally affected his decision-making at the last, doctors have been unable to determine.
What is known is that Dan never really had a fair shake, having had a robot pick his team this year, at least in part. He is survived by his diarrhea-eating vizsla, Cosmo.
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| R.I.P. Dan Cozine |
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