Week 8 Re-Cap

article by Lou Olsen

Gentlemen...

It is with a heavy heart that I take over this weeks re-cap.  You may have noticed that there was no re-cap last week.  The reason for this, is that WWS Weekly contributor Murray passed away.  On Sunday morning, he woke up and was unable to move his legs.  After two days of eliminating possible reasons for this problem, the doctors ran out of possible treatments and he passed.  It was virtually impossible for me to think of anything other than my dog last week, and Schwimmer still can not bring himself to come into the office. 

Sorry to bring you down, but I consider you all my friends and I wanted you all to know that I was not sitting around taking bong rips...although that probably would have curbed some of the crushing pain. 

So, before we start, if I am a little more bitter and dickish than Schwimmer...deal with it, I am grieving. 


Lansing Clam Faces vs. K-Town Bootleggers
             132.8                           143.8

I can sum up this game in one name, Zuerlein.  What's that you say?  You have no idea who the fuck that is?  He is the Clam Faces kicker, and for all intensive purposes his 1 point was the biggest reason the Michigan Chowdas couldn't take down the BAC's.  The Sweensickle Kids need to get their shit together and fast.  But the truth is, who gives two shits about Sweeney's spiral into inevitable heroine addiction.  The real story here is Calvin Johnson.

What is wrong with Megatron?  Or, if you want to change his nickname to fit his play, Bonertron.  This week he scored 7.6 points, which by the math of this game, makes him 2 points better than Brandon Weeden.  Coach Brother-In-Law needs to figure out a way to motivate that African-American freak of nature.  What do black dudes like?  Watermelon, chicken, ugly white chicks, and strip clubs.  Or maybe all 4 at the same time.  But the truth is, without his mojo...Bonertron is nothing more than a handsome dude in an Acura commercial. 

Boner of the Week: Das Booter Zuerlein (1 pt)


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Madison Scrotum Smashers
              108.8                                         107.2

In a classic battle to NOT finish in last place, Coach Blakey Cakes rolled into Madtown to tangle with the reigning Champs.  This game really has to make you wonder if the 2012 edition of the Shorned Scrots have what it takes to repeat.  The Play-Doh Sculptors even gave Coach Tyson a free gift by starting a kicker on his bye week.  In the end, that horrible coaching decision made absolutely no difference.  Normally this is the part where I would bash Blake for his incompetence...but, good job...I guess.  

The bottom line is, the Champs live and die by their RB's.  Jamaal Charles and Ahmad Bradshaw combined for 9.8 points.  That type of performance is going to institute far more nut gnashing against you, than for you. 

And on the flip side, the Claymakers have won 3 straight games and seem to have figured things out.  It is hard to not associate his teams turnaround with the turnaround of Aaron Rodgers.   The question is, will it be too little too late? 

Boner of the Week: The fact that Denarius Moore was the leading scorer in this game with 20.6 pts. 


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
                   127.4                                          98.4

Let's be real, there is no reason that either of these teams deserved to win this week.  Coach Cozine left Jordy Nelson in his starting roster, even though he was held out due to injury.  And my old man got single digit performance from 6 players on his roster, including -5 pts from his D/ST.  This game was ugly, pointless, and hopefully not one we will ever have to re-live.  

The Space Sandy's finally saw signs of life from 2nd round pick Eric Decker, as he threw down 20.3 points without falling down.  And on the other side of the field, Peyton Manning continues to be the hands down BEST keeper going into this season.  The 61 year old version of me, kept Manning on his IR all of last season and then decided to give up Welker, Jennings, and Jordy Nelson in order to keep  him...and I would have to say it has paid off.  Manning put up a third of the Dildos overall points (30.6).  

If you actually paid attention to this match up, may Honey Boo Boo have mercy on your soul...

Boner of the Week: Me, for having to actually write about this game   


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 119.6                                          114

In an epic battle to be re-named next season, the Cock Cots traveled to...Whothefuckknows, Alaska to take on a team with only one win on the season.  Even though this should have been an easy victory, Davy Wagner and his satanic Mr. Pibb coach thought they would give the good people of Madison another reason to puke on Sunday. 

My favorite part of this game was watching Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler dook it out (that spelling is intentional).  It's hard to know who is worse, or who I want to kick in the dick more.  Both look like they could break into tears at any second, like pre-menopausal women watching "The Bridges of Madison County".  So, if you could take one thing from this game...Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers are fucking pussies.  It is no mystery why these are two of the worst teams in the league this season.

Boner of the Week: The Dynamic Vaginal Duo: Jay Cutler (7.8pts) and Philip Rivers (6.2pts) 

He would drink "Pickle Juice"...

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Sandusky Disciples
               184.6                                   182.1

This was maybe the best game of the 2012 season.  Yes, I am a little biased, but look at this score!!!  Also keep in mind that you had 4 players score at least 35 points (Brady, Stafford, Martin, and Witten).  Only 4, out of a possible 20, score in single digits.  And this game came down to Darren Sproles on Sunday night.  Who fell just 2.5 points short.

I will spare you all of the details, but this game was a huge throbbing cock in a week of erectile dysfunction.  Even though I lost to King Ginger Balls, I would have beaten EVERY single one of you.  And if it wasn't for Jason Witten's 18 catches...18 FUCKING CATCHES!!!!!! FOR A TE!!!!  Is Tony Romo that shitty of a QB?     Romo only completed 36 passes...THAT IS FUCKING HALF!!!!

In a sign of good sportsmanship, Chuckles did reach out to me to apologize on behalf of Witten and his complete and total douche-baggery.  It is because of that, I am only pissed off at Jason "Inverted Penis" Witten.  Truth is, I am not that pissed off at all.  This was an awesome game and I am proud to have been a part of it.  The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves for not being in this game.

Boner of the Week: Tony Romo for being a complete and total Fuck-head


This one is for me.  If you don't like it...tough taint skin.

 

Week 6 Recap

Hey Gang!

So, turns out that this was the week for under performance.  We had one team fail to reach the century mark, while another just snuck over.  Only 3 teams scored more than 150 points, which is WAY below the usual for this league.  It was either good defense, or a complete and total coincidence.  I was in a movie about this very topic once, be sure to watch The Pallbearer.  Streaming now on Netflix.  Also, they just added season 11 of F-R-I-E-N-D-S.  It was a good week to be David Schwimmer, and 5 other dudes.  Let's see who was lucky enough to feel the Schwimmer Winner Vibe.


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Sandusky Disciples
                 (171.3)                                     (140.6)

Powered by monster weeks from Dez Bryant (34.5) and  sophomore A.J. Green (32.5), Coach Jones (aka Mr. Pibb of Hades), if that is his real name, surged past the Noodle Teasers this week. Despite his 2-4 record, Davy may have the best team in the East. Read: Peterson (19.9) and McGahee (13.8) have found the fountain of youth; Lloyd (14) and Nicks (7.4 in an off week) round out his WR corps; and his second-tier players are all paradoxically top-tier.

Artists Depiction of Coach Davy Jones Today

That's not to say that Olsen XIV isn't without his superstars as well. His gamble on RGIII is paying massive dividends (37.1), and Matt Stafford (23.1) is damn reliable. He also made massive waiver claims on Wednesday, picking up Janikowski, Kendall Wright, Jared Cook and [snrk] John Skelton. Most of those picks improve his team -- in theory. We'll have to see how he fares next week against Big Poppa Dildo next week.

Boners of the week: Mendy (2.7) and what was supposed to be a formidable Seahawks D/ST (0)


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Affirmative Blacktion
            (132)                                   (111.6)

Well, the Blacktion's struggles continue, as Coach Craiggles moves to 1-5 vs. a re-energized Waukesha team. Blake has expressed concerns about the performance of Aaron Rodgers, but aside from a couple of weeks in the teens, he's been outstanding. This week, he scored approximately a Bajillion touchdowns and racked up an eye-popping 51.2 points. Yowza. Unfortunately, the rest of his team still looks pretty lean. Perhaps some clever trading is in order?

The fantasy gods conspired against the poor Moyle of the Northlands, injecting two slumping pineriders with a dose of derring-do dong: Antonio Gates (26.1) previously averaged just over 5 points per game, and the erratic Russell Wilson managed 29.4, dwarfing Philip Rivers' (9.7) week 6 total. Tough break, Craiggles (why haven't we called you that before?).

Boner of the week: Philip Rivers and Alex Smith (2.5)
Stud of the week: Just guess.


Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
               (100.6)                                (150.2)

Coach Nic "No K" Tyson may be experiencing somewhat of a renaissance here, with a strong showing this week. Sam Bradford (24) stepped up for him, and his WR/RB corps looks good, aside from its "Jamaal Charles Situation." With three weeks of 18+ points (and one of 40.8!) balancing out off-weeks of 8.7, 5.2 and now 6.7 points, he gives new meaning to the word "gamble." Add that uncertainty to the loss of Kevin Kolb (15.7) for several weeks with a rib injury, and the team does have holes in its armor.

I was pleased to see that Michael Turner put up a fart noise-worthy 4.9 points this week -- because fuck that guy. The Mannings (28.2, the elder; 13.5, the younger) continue to put up reliable numbers for the KFDs, but the Flaming Phallus...(es?) show major weakness at WR, with Cruz (17.8) the only reliable dingleberry on the dong. Time to make a move.

Boner of the week: Antonio Brown (6) with an uncharacteristic under-10 performance

No Joke, these are clam chowder Doritios...

Lansing Clam Faces vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
            (96)                                       (185.1)

I know what you are thinking, you are thinking "Hey Ross, that was a type-o, right?  You meant 1-96."  Alas fair readers, Coach Sweeney and company might as well of dropped trow, pitched steamy loaves on the sidelines, and lumped right back on the Greyhound bus back to Michigan. When your top offensive scorer only puts up a half a point more than your defense (Andre Johnson 15.5pts and Bucaneers D/ST 15pts), you should go to the grocery store...buy yourself a nice big cucumber and....well....use your imagination...around here we call it the "self-Sandy".   

Congratulations are in order, however.  The Clams are the first team in 2012 to not break 100 points in a game.  Their prize?  An autographed Nate Kaeding nude photo.  Actually it is not quite Nate Kaeding, it is a certain actor who may be trying to break into the porn business if they don't make Madagascar 4.  It is a naked picture of me...signed by Nate Kaeding...our wives are friends?  Sweeney, take my wiener picture!!  You earned it.  From now on, any team that does not score at least 100 points, gets a Lil' Schwimmy photo.

Coach Cozine was mixing Mai Tai's on the sideline as his team jammed out to a Mariachi band that only knows Bob Marley songs.  Never, in my 5 week career as a writer for this blog, have I seen such blatant disrespect for another team.  It was one thing to be making drinks on the field, but when a Swedish ladies beach volleyball team came out to play for the amusement of your team...while the game is still going on?!?!?!  And where the cut-off jean shorts necessary?  Your pasty legs forced Coach Quack Attack Jr. to apply sunscreen...which probably causes cancer, in people who are already that tan anyway.  Bad form Dan.  Giving another coach cancer, who do you think you are?  House M.D?  You and that fake American doctor are two dicks in a dongpod.  But you made it pretty clear that you did not give two bags of dicks how you made Sweenzy's team look.

"Did you guys fucking watch that?  All of it?  Hey Brian, great pep talk.  Oh, and those halftime adjustments...those are the type of things that separate the sub-par from the par.  You are so close to being mediocre, but you have to actually get the team to play EVERY week.  Who the fuck do you think you are, Rex Ryan?  I thought that since we only play once this season, you would have at least attempted to find actual football players.  Did you think that this week was replacement player week?  Because it was replacement R-E-F-S, not players.  Look on the bright side, you didn't break 100 points in a PPR league.  Oh, sorry that is not the bright side.  The bright side is...at least Tori Spelling isn't on TV anymore."

Boner of the Week: Brian Sweeney, he has the picture of a Jewish dong to prove it.   

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. K-Town Bootleggers
                (150.5)                               (107.4)

The Ginger Bread Coach continues to dominate his opponents after a shaky start to the 2012 campaign.  Winning his last 4 games, has launched him to the top of the division for the 3rd straight season.  I think we can all agree, Gingers have no souls and should be kept in camps, where we will force them to concentrate on very difficult questions about our existence on this earth.  We would call them...Concentration Camps!  Nope, never mind.  I just put together what was wrong with that suggestion.  No need to put Coach/Commissioner Kinzie into a...happy, fun, not genocidal camp.  Did I mention, he won this weekend?

The Booze Boots are as inconsistent as a southern christian girls period.  Week after week, Coach Lightning is peeing on that little white stick hoping for one line instead of two.  This week Brian Hartline was a super sperm (remember: in this analogy, baby = bad) with 0 pts.  Miles Austin also proved that he could successfully procreate, throwing up 5.1 points.  The amazing thing about the Footy Bourbon's, is their ability to abort...losing.  This week they needed Cialis, next week they will be porking fat girls left and right.  

Wes Welker continues to play like the white Wes Welker, putting up 29.8 points for Captain Red Pubes.  His First Mate Percy (Harvin), was also feeling saucy with 24.4 points.  It didn't even matter that Matt Schaub mushroom stamped his coach in the face with 5.3 points.  Thanks to the Kamikaze Kid's pathetic coaching, Chuck didn't even have to break a sweat.  

Boner of the Week: Brain Hartline might not even qualify since he did not register a single stat (0 points) 

You guys are terrible.  So you should not get any boobies this week...but I couldn't stand thinking about you being with out tattas for an entire week, so....

Week 5 Recap

GET A LOADA THIS FRIGGIN' GUY! Oh, I'm alone again.

Hoooo-lee Moses, pardners. What a week! We're starting to establish some league roles as we groove deeper into the season, here. Neat! Some hedgemonds, some underdogs -- IT'S ALL HAPPENING!! Did I mention I recently relapsed into the world of coke? Well I might have. IT'S FANTASTIC, BROS! I'M FRIGGIN' ROSS FROM FRIENDS! WHEEEEEE!

OK. I think I've gotten most of that out of my system. Let's go.

Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. The Sandusky Disciples
                 (145.4)                                    (139.8)

In this week's closest match, Coach Danny Boy took Lil' Lou into the showers. It almost wasn't that way, though. It all came down to Monday night. Texans vs. Jets. Otherwise, who cares about that game, amirite? It's the Jagoff Fanbase Championship, but whatever.

Anyway, one could look at this narrow win in a number of ways. One could cite the hero of the Great White North's squad as Reggie Wayne (40.2!) or the Bears D/ST (28!). More likely, one would wonder just how in the hades Dan had a QB and two RBs combine for 15 points and still win. The answer is simple: RGIII. Going out with an injury early in the Redskins game, he only scored 4.3 points for the Tyke Ticklers. That turned out to be a problem, and now Horny Lou is 3-2 instead of 4-1.

Boner of the week: BenJarvus Green-Ellis (2.6). Woof.


Affirmative Blacktion vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
              (115.6)                              (106.1)

In this week's toilet bowl, Craig used all of his juju and ended up with his first win of the season with 115.6 points. Jeez. With a craptastic day from Cam Newton (7.8) and Kevin Kolb (9.8) at QB, there wasn't much Tyno could do. This is despite the fact that Coach Craig benched 73.4 points. Among those were erratic Chargers Robert Meachem (21.7) and Malcom Floyd (15.8). It's hard to blame the Blackies, especially since they eked out a victory. Next week, however, he'll have fewer options, since Arizona RB Ryan Williams is out with an injury. Balls!

Boner of the week: How could it not be DeAngelo Williams, with -1.4 points. [vomits into boxers]


Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                  (153.5)                                     (143)

It was no surprise that the reigning Douche in Chief, Chuck, took it to the Bananas of Madtowne this week. It was, however, surprising that he did so with only 9.4 points to spare. Jay Cutler (23.9) had a manic, not depressive week for DJ Waggs, and T-Gon exploded for 31.3 points. That was no match for the Philly Hoodlums' big guns of Percy Harvin (31.6) and Wes Welker (29.4). How Chuck ended up with both of them, I'll choose to ignore. Honestly, though, it's a good thing Torrey Smith came back to earth because that shit (52.4 points the previous two games) was getting scary, combined with Chuck's Dildarino Duo of WRs.

Boner of the week: Brandon Lloyd (6.4) and MJD (6.9) for their shittiest production yet this year.


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
             (163.2)                             (187.1)

Holy friggin crap. Look at these Dildos. Is that an all-time scoring record? [holds imaginary paper up to light] Yes, yes it is. We'll go with that. Bolstered by fantastic weeks from Peyton (30.7) and Eli Manning (26.3), as well as Brandon Marshall (32.4!), Big Lou seems poised to destroy the entire East Division at 4-1. Nick was no slouch either, though, with Marques Colston (40.1), Trent Richardson (23.8) and even Brandon "Weendad" Weeden (19.8) chipping in. Nick will be a force himself in the West, but those Fightin' Dildos are on a roll.

Boner of the week: Fred Jackson (4.4)
Stud of the week: Marques Colston (40.1)


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
            (154.3)                        (143.2)

Despite a hearty effort by his WR corps (minus Mike Wallace [3.7]), Coach Babymaker fell to the clearly superior Clams team, from East of the Lake. Black Door did enjoy 31.4 points from his butt buddy, Aaron Rodgers, however, so good for him. Interestingly, all three of his QBs did well, with mortal enemy of all Packers fans, Christian Ponder, scoring 21.4 and Alex Smith dumbfounding the fantasy world with 35. WTF? Anyway, Blake falls to 0-5, and he'll probably stop setting lineups any day now. Let's start thinking of a punishment now, eh?

Boners of the week: Andre Johnson (2.5) and Mike Wallace (3.7)


I leave you with this. It's Blake Derr, according to Google Image Search:

Ladies and gentlemen: Blake Derr (alternate caption: "Hey, ladies...")

Week 4 Recap

Why hello. I didn't see you there. I'm running out of steam since I wrote the articles first, but I did just come up with this little gem -- Here is the first picture that comes up when you Google image search Madison Banana Hammocks:

This is the native size of the image. Watch for flying hooks out there, Craig!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one is worth at least an intro, AMIRITE? Onward!


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
              (151.4)                          (174)
Predicted to be our week's closest matchup, it lived up to the hype -- until Monday night. With the lead deep into the second quarter, Coach Sweenballz was crushed when the Bears' very own fightin' dildo, Brandon Marshall, broke through his 151.4 tallies, on the way to a stellar 26.8-point night. Coach Oldsen thus survived a diarrhea bomb by RB Andre Brown (2.8) and the Cowboys' D/ST (2). Not to help was the Clam Daddies' Giants D/ST (NEGATIVE 1. NEGATIVE.), and paper tiger one-catch wonder, Jeremy Maclin (1.7). What a great trade that was, Coach Sweeney (Jay Cutler [21] and Willis McGahee [25.5] to Davy, Ryan Mathews [10.2] and Maclin [1.7] to loser). Yeesh. Anybody wants Maclin talk to the Clams. He'll likely let the lame Eagle go for a song.

Boners of the week: Jeremy Maclin (1.7) and Giants D/ST (-1)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                 (161.5)                                    (141.1)
In week one of the two-week COLOSSAL GEOGRAPHICAL FANTASTICAL CROSS-TOWN RIVALRY SHOWDOWN series (next week is Kenosha -- or K-town if you associate with that city's seedy underbelly), Scroti eclipsed Bananas, sending Coach Davy to a demoralizing 1-3 record. But maybe he deserved it. Read: in the WR2/flex slot, the good coach started an injured Hakeem Nicks (0) over a perfectly capable Dez Bryant (20.5) and Willis McGahee (25.5). Granted, they combined for 17.4 points last week, but Nicks was injured even then, with no signs of playing in week 4. Honestly, though, McGahee was a longshot start, especially since fellow bench-blumpkin Bush scored a solid 15.3 last week, which might have led to a start in this matchup.

Anyway, Carson Palmer (8.1) also left Davy twisting in the wind. The good news, however, is that pretty much every other player put up solid numbers for the Schlong Slings. It was a pretty tough week against the Tynocerous, still. With two players posting 35+, he had a good week.  Blamzo.

Player of the week: 49ers D/ST (27)
Boner of the week: Davy for playing a guaranteed goose-egg in Hakeem Nicks

Sandusky Disciples vs. K-Town Bootleggers
            (106)                          (153.5)
This match ended up showcasing two coaches who made all (well, almost all) the right decisions, since their benches put up almost no numbers. The exception was Louis the Younger's TE slot. He got skunked by Dennis Pitta, while Jermaine Gresham put up a decent 9.7 points. That would not have been enough, however, as the K-Town Dirtbags had amazing days from Matt Ryan (30.8), Marques Colston (30.3) and Trent Richardson (20.4 -- wait, what? Marques Colston had 30 points?!?!!). That was more than enough to break the first-place tie of West Division 3-1 teams. These two teams. That wasn't clear. Sorry about that.

Boner of the week: Dennis Pitta. Fucking Dennis Pitta.


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (151.3)                             (176.1)
Blake never had much of a chance going into this one. Poor bastard sinks to 0-4 with this loss, and El Carlos outscored everybody in the damn league. He was propelled by Tom Brady (38), the Texans' D/ST (23?!) and all but one feature position scored in the high teens. The Milwaukee Ginger made all the right moves, roster-wise, though, so I guess you can't fault the new dad (Congrats, Blake. We'll connect one of these times). On that ghey note, there's this:

Boner of the week: Alex Smith (6.9)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 (148.1)                                (132.8)
The closest match of the week resulted in yet another sad 0-4 situation with Coach Alaskaballs finding himself in a big hole to start the season. Credit him, however, with loyalty for starting Wisconsin alumnustud Russell Wilson (1.8) at QB. Again, no roster moves would have saved the Blacktion, so kudos there. Praise Allah that Dan didn't play Romo (8.5 points; of the QB consortium Dogstab and the Homos).

As such, the team with the name that is clever to some and incredibly dumb to others, the Spinning Cosmos ran away with a lucky victory this week. That is to say, 148.1 points isn't all that many, and against other opponents, he could have found himself 2-2 rather than 3-1. But that's the American way, and (shudder) the Spinning Cosmos assume first place in the West.

Boner of the week: Darren McFadden (4.8 and I can't bring myself to make Wilson a boner)

FOOTBALL SKANK!

Now That's What I Call Skanky! Volume 27!