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| GET A LOADA THIS FRIGGIN' GUY! Oh, I'm alone again. |
OK. I think I've gotten most of that out of my system. Let's go.
Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. The Sandusky Disciples
(145.4) (139.8)
In this week's closest match, Coach Danny Boy took Lil' Lou into the showers. It almost wasn't that way, though. It all came down to Monday night. Texans vs. Jets. Otherwise, who cares about that game, amirite? It's the Jagoff Fanbase Championship, but whatever.
Anyway, one could look at this narrow win in a number of ways. One could cite the hero of the Great White North's squad as Reggie Wayne (40.2!) or the Bears D/ST (28!). More likely, one would wonder just how in the hades Dan had a QB and two RBs combine for 15 points and still win. The answer is simple: RGIII. Going out with an injury early in the Redskins game, he only scored 4.3 points for the Tyke Ticklers. That turned out to be a problem, and now Horny Lou is 3-2 instead of 4-1.
Boner of the week: BenJarvus Green-Ellis (2.6). Woof.
Affirmative Blacktion vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
(115.6) (106.1)
In this week's toilet bowl, Craig used all of his juju and ended up with his first win of the season with 115.6 points. Jeez. With a craptastic day from Cam Newton (7.8) and Kevin Kolb (9.8) at QB, there wasn't much Tyno could do. This is despite the fact that Coach Craig benched 73.4 points. Among those were erratic Chargers Robert Meachem (21.7) and Malcom Floyd (15.8). It's hard to blame the Blackies, especially since they eked out a victory. Next week, however, he'll have fewer options, since Arizona RB Ryan Williams is out with an injury. Balls!
Boner of the week: How could it not be DeAngelo Williams, with -1.4 points. [vomits into boxers]
Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
(153.5) (143)
It was no surprise that the reigning Douche in Chief, Chuck, took it to the Bananas of Madtowne this week. It was, however, surprising that he did so with only 9.4 points to spare. Jay Cutler (23.9) had a manic, not depressive week for DJ Waggs, and T-Gon exploded for 31.3 points. That was no match for the Philly Hoodlums' big guns of Percy Harvin (31.6) and Wes Welker (29.4). How Chuck ended up with both of them, I'll choose to ignore. Honestly, though, it's a good thing Torrey Smith came back to earth because that shit (52.4 points the previous two games) was getting scary, combined with Chuck's Dildarino Duo of WRs.
Boner of the week: Brandon Lloyd (6.4) and MJD (6.9) for their shittiest production yet this year.
K-Town Bootleggers vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
(163.2) (187.1)
Holy friggin crap. Look at these Dildos. Is that an all-time scoring record? [holds imaginary paper up to light] Yes, yes it is. We'll go with that. Bolstered by fantastic weeks from Peyton (30.7) and Eli Manning (26.3), as well as Brandon Marshall (32.4!), Big Lou seems poised to destroy the entire East Division at 4-1. Nick was no slouch either, though, with Marques Colston (40.1), Trent Richardson (23.8) and even Brandon "Weendad" Weeden (19.8) chipping in. Nick will be a force himself in the West, but those Fightin' Dildos are on a roll.
Boner of the week: Fred Jackson (4.4)
Stud of the week: Marques Colston (40.1)
Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
(154.3) (143.2)
Despite a hearty effort by his WR corps (minus Mike Wallace [3.7]), Coach Babymaker fell to the clearly superior Clams team, from East of the Lake. Black Door did enjoy 31.4 points from his butt buddy, Aaron Rodgers, however, so good for him. Interestingly, all three of his QBs did well, with mortal enemy of all Packers fans, Christian Ponder, scoring 21.4 and Alex Smith dumbfounding the fantasy world with 35. WTF? Anyway, Blake falls to 0-5, and he'll probably stop setting lineups any day now. Let's start thinking of a punishment now, eh?
Boners of the week: Andre Johnson (2.5) and Mike Wallace (3.7)
I leave you with this. It's Blake Derr, according to Google Image Search:
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| Ladies and gentlemen: Blake Derr (alternate caption: "Hey, ladies...") |
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