So, turns out that this was the week for under performance. We had one team fail to reach the century mark, while another just snuck over. Only 3 teams scored more than 150 points, which is WAY below the usual for this league. It was either good defense, or a complete and total coincidence. I was in a movie about this very topic once, be sure to watch The Pallbearer. Streaming now on Netflix. Also, they just added season 11 of F-R-I-E-N-D-S. It was a good week to be David Schwimmer, and 5 other dudes. Let's see who was lucky enough to feel the Schwimmer Winner Vibe.
Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Sandusky Disciples
(171.3) (140.6)
Powered by monster weeks from Dez Bryant (34.5) and sophomore A.J. Green (32.5), Coach Jones (aka Mr. Pibb of Hades), if that is his real name, surged past the Noodle Teasers this week. Despite his 2-4 record, Davy may have the best team in the East. Read: Peterson (19.9) and McGahee (13.8) have found the fountain of youth; Lloyd (14) and Nicks (7.4 in an off week) round out his WR corps; and his second-tier players are all paradoxically top-tier.
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| Artists Depiction of Coach Davy Jones Today |
Boners of the week: Mendy (2.7) and what was supposed to be a formidable Seahawks D/ST (0)
Waukesha Claymakers vs. Affirmative Blacktion
(132) (111.6)
Well, the Blacktion's struggles continue, as Coach Craiggles moves to 1-5 vs. a re-energized Waukesha team. Blake has expressed concerns about the performance of Aaron Rodgers, but aside from a couple of weeks in the teens, he's been outstanding. This week, he scored approximately a Bajillion touchdowns and racked up an eye-popping 51.2 points. Yowza. Unfortunately, the rest of his team still looks pretty lean. Perhaps some clever trading is in order?
The fantasy gods conspired against the poor Moyle of the Northlands, injecting two slumping pineriders with a dose of derring-do dong: Antonio Gates (26.1) previously averaged just over 5 points per game, and the erratic Russell Wilson managed 29.4, dwarfing Philip Rivers' (9.7) week 6 total. Tough break, Craiggles (why haven't we called you that before?).
Boner of the week: Philip Rivers and Alex Smith (2.5)
Stud of the week: Just guess.
Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
(100.6) (150.2)
Coach Nic "No K" Tyson may be experiencing somewhat of a renaissance here, with a strong showing this week. Sam Bradford (24) stepped up for him, and his WR/RB corps looks good, aside from its "Jamaal Charles Situation." With three weeks of 18+ points (and one of 40.8!) balancing out off-weeks of 8.7, 5.2 and now 6.7 points, he gives new meaning to the word "gamble." Add that uncertainty to the loss of Kevin Kolb (15.7) for several weeks with a rib injury, and the team does have holes in its armor.
I was pleased to see that Michael Turner put up a fart noise-worthy 4.9 points this week -- because fuck that guy. The Mannings (28.2, the elder; 13.5, the younger) continue to put up reliable numbers for the KFDs, but the Flaming Phallus...(es?) show major weakness at WR, with Cruz (17.8) the only reliable dingleberry on the dong. Time to make a move.
Boner of the week: Antonio Brown (6) with an uncharacteristic under-10 performance
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| No Joke, these are clam chowder Doritios... |
(96) (185.1)
I know what you are thinking, you are thinking "Hey Ross, that was a type-o, right? You meant 1-96." Alas fair readers, Coach Sweeney and company might as well of dropped trow, pitched steamy loaves on the sidelines, and lumped right back on the Greyhound bus back to Michigan. When your top offensive scorer only puts up a half a point more than your defense (Andre Johnson 15.5pts and Bucaneers D/ST 15pts), you should go to the grocery store...buy yourself a nice big cucumber and....well....use your imagination...around here we call it the "self-Sandy".
Congratulations are in order, however. The Clams are the first team in 2012 to not break 100 points in a game. Their prize? An autographed Nate Kaeding nude photo. Actually it is not quite Nate Kaeding, it is a certain actor who may be trying to break into the porn business if they don't make Madagascar 4. It is a naked picture of me...signed by Nate Kaeding...our wives are friends? Sweeney, take my wiener picture!! You earned it. From now on, any team that does not score at least 100 points, gets a Lil' Schwimmy photo.
Coach Cozine was mixing Mai Tai's on the sideline as his team jammed out to a Mariachi band that only knows Bob Marley songs. Never, in my 5 week career as a writer for this blog, have I seen such blatant disrespect for another team. It was one thing to be making drinks on the field, but when a Swedish ladies beach volleyball team came out to play for the amusement of your team...while the game is still going on?!?!?! And where the cut-off jean shorts necessary? Your pasty legs forced Coach Quack Attack Jr. to apply sunscreen...which probably causes cancer, in people who are already that tan anyway. Bad form Dan. Giving another coach cancer, who do you think you are? House M.D? You and that fake American doctor are two dicks in a dongpod. But you made it pretty clear that you did not give two bags of dicks how you made Sweenzy's team look.
"Did you guys fucking watch that? All of it? Hey Brian, great pep talk. Oh, and those halftime adjustments...those are the type of things that separate the sub-par from the par. You are so close to being mediocre, but you have to actually get the team to play EVERY week. Who the fuck do you think you are, Rex Ryan? I thought that since we only play once this season, you would have at least attempted to find actual football players. Did you think that this week was replacement player week? Because it was replacement R-E-F-S, not players. Look on the bright side, you didn't break 100 points in a PPR league. Oh, sorry that is not the bright side. The bright side is...at least Tori Spelling isn't on TV anymore."
Boner of the Week: Brian Sweeney, he has the picture of a Jewish dong to prove it.
(150.5) (107.4)
The Ginger Bread Coach continues to dominate his opponents after a shaky start to the 2012 campaign. Winning his last 4 games, has launched him to the top of the division for the 3rd straight season. I think we can all agree, Gingers have no souls and should be kept in camps, where we will force them to concentrate on very difficult questions about our existence on this earth. We would call them...Concentration Camps! Nope, never mind. I just put together what was wrong with that suggestion. No need to put Coach/Commissioner Kinzie into a...happy, fun, not genocidal camp. Did I mention, he won this weekend?
The Booze Boots are as inconsistent as a southern christian girls period. Week after week, Coach Lightning is peeing on that little white stick hoping for one line instead of two. This week Brian Hartline was a super sperm (remember: in this analogy, baby = bad) with 0 pts. Miles Austin also proved that he could successfully procreate, throwing up 5.1 points. The amazing thing about the Footy Bourbon's, is their ability to abort...losing. This week they needed Cialis, next week they will be porking fat girls left and right.
Wes Welker continues to play like the white Wes Welker, putting up 29.8 points for Captain Red Pubes. His First Mate Percy (Harvin), was also feeling saucy with 24.4 points. It didn't even matter that Matt Schaub mushroom stamped his coach in the face with 5.3 points. Thanks to the Kamikaze Kid's pathetic coaching, Chuck didn't even have to break a sweat.
Boner of the Week: Brain Hartline might not even qualify since he did not register a single stat (0 points)
You guys are terrible. So you should not get any boobies this week...but I couldn't stand thinking about you being with out tattas for an entire week, so....
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