Week 4 Recap

Why hello. I didn't see you there. I'm running out of steam since I wrote the articles first, but I did just come up with this little gem -- Here is the first picture that comes up when you Google image search Madison Banana Hammocks:

This is the native size of the image. Watch for flying hooks out there, Craig!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one is worth at least an intro, AMIRITE? Onward!


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
              (151.4)                          (174)
Predicted to be our week's closest matchup, it lived up to the hype -- until Monday night. With the lead deep into the second quarter, Coach Sweenballz was crushed when the Bears' very own fightin' dildo, Brandon Marshall, broke through his 151.4 tallies, on the way to a stellar 26.8-point night. Coach Oldsen thus survived a diarrhea bomb by RB Andre Brown (2.8) and the Cowboys' D/ST (2). Not to help was the Clam Daddies' Giants D/ST (NEGATIVE 1. NEGATIVE.), and paper tiger one-catch wonder, Jeremy Maclin (1.7). What a great trade that was, Coach Sweeney (Jay Cutler [21] and Willis McGahee [25.5] to Davy, Ryan Mathews [10.2] and Maclin [1.7] to loser). Yeesh. Anybody wants Maclin talk to the Clams. He'll likely let the lame Eagle go for a song.

Boners of the week: Jeremy Maclin (1.7) and Giants D/ST (-1)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                 (161.5)                                    (141.1)
In week one of the two-week COLOSSAL GEOGRAPHICAL FANTASTICAL CROSS-TOWN RIVALRY SHOWDOWN series (next week is Kenosha -- or K-town if you associate with that city's seedy underbelly), Scroti eclipsed Bananas, sending Coach Davy to a demoralizing 1-3 record. But maybe he deserved it. Read: in the WR2/flex slot, the good coach started an injured Hakeem Nicks (0) over a perfectly capable Dez Bryant (20.5) and Willis McGahee (25.5). Granted, they combined for 17.4 points last week, but Nicks was injured even then, with no signs of playing in week 4. Honestly, though, McGahee was a longshot start, especially since fellow bench-blumpkin Bush scored a solid 15.3 last week, which might have led to a start in this matchup.

Anyway, Carson Palmer (8.1) also left Davy twisting in the wind. The good news, however, is that pretty much every other player put up solid numbers for the Schlong Slings. It was a pretty tough week against the Tynocerous, still. With two players posting 35+, he had a good week.  Blamzo.

Player of the week: 49ers D/ST (27)
Boner of the week: Davy for playing a guaranteed goose-egg in Hakeem Nicks

Sandusky Disciples vs. K-Town Bootleggers
            (106)                          (153.5)
This match ended up showcasing two coaches who made all (well, almost all) the right decisions, since their benches put up almost no numbers. The exception was Louis the Younger's TE slot. He got skunked by Dennis Pitta, while Jermaine Gresham put up a decent 9.7 points. That would not have been enough, however, as the K-Town Dirtbags had amazing days from Matt Ryan (30.8), Marques Colston (30.3) and Trent Richardson (20.4 -- wait, what? Marques Colston had 30 points?!?!!). That was more than enough to break the first-place tie of West Division 3-1 teams. These two teams. That wasn't clear. Sorry about that.

Boner of the week: Dennis Pitta. Fucking Dennis Pitta.


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (151.3)                             (176.1)
Blake never had much of a chance going into this one. Poor bastard sinks to 0-4 with this loss, and El Carlos outscored everybody in the damn league. He was propelled by Tom Brady (38), the Texans' D/ST (23?!) and all but one feature position scored in the high teens. The Milwaukee Ginger made all the right moves, roster-wise, though, so I guess you can't fault the new dad (Congrats, Blake. We'll connect one of these times). On that ghey note, there's this:

Boner of the week: Alex Smith (6.9)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 (148.1)                                (132.8)
The closest match of the week resulted in yet another sad 0-4 situation with Coach Alaskaballs finding himself in a big hole to start the season. Credit him, however, with loyalty for starting Wisconsin alumnustud Russell Wilson (1.8) at QB. Again, no roster moves would have saved the Blacktion, so kudos there. Praise Allah that Dan didn't play Romo (8.5 points; of the QB consortium Dogstab and the Homos).

As such, the team with the name that is clever to some and incredibly dumb to others, the Spinning Cosmos ran away with a lucky victory this week. That is to say, 148.1 points isn't all that many, and against other opponents, he could have found himself 2-2 rather than 3-1. But that's the American way, and (shudder) the Spinning Cosmos assume first place in the West.

Boner of the week: Darren McFadden (4.8 and I can't bring myself to make Wilson a boner)

FOOTBALL SKANK!

Now That's What I Call Skanky! Volume 27!