Gentlemen...
Sorry to bring you down, but I consider you all my friends and I wanted you all to know that I was not sitting around taking bong rips...although that probably would have curbed some of the crushing pain.
So, before we start, if I am a little more bitter and dickish than Schwimmer...deal with it, I am grieving.
Lansing Clam Faces vs. K-Town Bootleggers
132.8 143.8
I can sum up this game in one name, Zuerlein. What's that you say? You have no idea who the fuck that is? He is the Clam Faces kicker, and for all intensive purposes his 1 point was the biggest reason the Michigan Chowdas couldn't take down the BAC's. The Sweensickle Kids need to get their shit together and fast. But the truth is, who gives two shits about Sweeney's spiral into inevitable heroine addiction. The real story here is Calvin Johnson.
What is wrong with Megatron? Or, if you want to change his nickname to fit his play, Bonertron. This week he scored 7.6 points, which by the math of this game, makes him 2 points better than Brandon Weeden. Coach Brother-In-Law needs to figure out a way to motivate that African-American freak of nature. What do black dudes like? Watermelon, chicken, ugly white chicks, and strip clubs. Or maybe all 4 at the same time. But the truth is, without his mojo...Bonertron is nothing more than a handsome dude in an Acura commercial.
Boner of the Week: Das Booter Zuerlein (1 pt)
Waukesha Claymakers vs. Madison Scrotum Smashers
108.8 107.2
In a classic battle to NOT finish in last place, Coach Blakey Cakes rolled into Madtown to tangle with the reigning Champs. This game really has to make you wonder if the 2012 edition of the Shorned Scrots have what it takes to repeat. The Play-Doh Sculptors even gave Coach Tyson a free gift by starting a kicker on his bye week. In the end, that horrible coaching decision made absolutely no difference. Normally this is the part where I would bash Blake for his incompetence...but, good job...I guess. The bottom line is, the Champs live and die by their RB's. Jamaal Charles and Ahmad Bradshaw combined for 9.8 points. That type of performance is going to institute far more nut gnashing against you, than for you.
And on the flip side, the Claymakers have won 3 straight games and seem to have figured things out. It is hard to not associate his teams turnaround with the turnaround of Aaron Rodgers. The question is, will it be too little too late?
Boner of the Week: The fact that Denarius Moore was the leading scorer in this game with 20.6 pts.
Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
127.4 98.4
Let's be real, there is no reason that either of these teams deserved to win this week. Coach Cozine left Jordy Nelson in his starting roster, even though he was held out due to injury. And my old man got single digit performance from 6 players on his roster, including -5 pts from his D/ST. This game was ugly, pointless, and hopefully not one we will ever have to re-live.
The Space Sandy's finally saw signs of life from 2nd round pick Eric Decker, as he threw down 20.3 points without falling down. And on the other side of the field, Peyton Manning continues to be the hands down BEST keeper going into this season. The 61 year old version of me, kept Manning on his IR all of last season and then decided to give up Welker, Jennings, and Jordy Nelson in order to keep him...and I would have to say it has paid off. Manning put up a third of the Dildos overall points (30.6).
If you actually paid attention to this match up, may Honey Boo Boo have mercy on your soul...
Boner of the Week: Me, for having to actually write about this game
Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Affirmative Blacktion
119.6 114
In an epic battle to be re-named next season, the Cock Cots traveled to...Whothefuckknows, Alaska to take on a team with only one win on the season. Even though this should have been an easy victory, Davy Wagner and his satanic Mr. Pibb coach thought they would give the good people of Madison another reason to puke on Sunday.
My favorite part of this game was watching Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler dook it out (that spelling is intentional). It's hard to know who is worse, or who I want to kick in the dick more. Both look like they could break into tears at any second, like pre-menopausal women watching "The Bridges of Madison County". So, if you could take one thing from this game...Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers are fucking pussies. It is no mystery why these are two of the worst teams in the league this season.
Boner of the Week: The Dynamic Vaginal Duo: Jay Cutler (7.8pts) and Philip Rivers (6.2pts)
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| He would drink "Pickle Juice"... |
184.6 182.1
This was maybe the best game of the 2012 season. Yes, I am a little biased, but look at this score!!! Also keep in mind that you had 4 players score at least 35 points (Brady, Stafford, Martin, and Witten). Only 4, out of a possible 20, score in single digits. And this game came down to Darren Sproles on Sunday night. Who fell just 2.5 points short.
I will spare you all of the details, but this game was a huge throbbing cock in a week of erectile dysfunction. Even though I lost to King Ginger Balls, I would have beaten EVERY single one of you. And if it wasn't for Jason Witten's 18 catches...18 FUCKING CATCHES!!!!!! FOR A TE!!!! Is Tony Romo that shitty of a QB? Romo only completed 36 passes...THAT IS FUCKING HALF!!!!
In a sign of good sportsmanship, Chuckles did reach out to me to apologize on behalf of Witten and his complete and total douche-baggery. It is because of that, I am only pissed off at Jason "Inverted Penis" Witten. Truth is, I am not that pissed off at all. This was an awesome game and I am proud to have been a part of it. The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves for not being in this game.
Boner of the Week: Tony Romo for being a complete and total Fuck-head
This one is for me. If you don't like it...tough taint skin.
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