Week 12 Highlights/Week 13 Preview

article by David Schwimmer

As the regular season comes to a close, there is really no reason to re-cap every game.  To be quite honest, some of you are not even worth the imaginary ink this computer spouts onto imaginary paper.  Since this upcoming weekend is the end of the regular season, we are going to focus on the only 2 games that matter.  And since this is a re-cap, we will cover what many are calling "The Greatest Game in League History". 

First let's start with the absolutes, here are the 3 teams staying home for the playoffs:
W - Coach Craig and the Affirmative Blacktion
W - Coach Tyson and the reigning RLT Champion Madison Scrotum Smashers
E - Coach Blake and the Waukesha Claymakers

Here are the 5 teams that are locked into a playoff spot:
E - Philadelphia Butt Pirates
E - Madison Banana Hammocks
W - Rochester Spinning Cosmos
W - Sandusky Disciples
W - K-Town Bootleggers

That leaves one spot left at Ryan Leaf glory and one spot for the Toilet Bowl.  That spot will be decided this weekend in a head to head match up between...you know what, I won't spoil it.  Here is this week's 1 re-cap and the preview of two games that actually serve a purpose. 

Week 12 Recap:
 
Affirmative Blacktion vs. Spinning Cosmos
             (144.5)                         (144.6)

YOU GUYS. I think we had the game of the season this week. Srsly. It involved mystery. It left one coach broken-hearted. It captivated the hearts and minds of millions. It didn’t matter. It featured the Spinning Cosmos in a slide toward an inevitable playoff berth versus millionaire, jet-setting playboy Coach Craig Moylan and his one-win Affirmative Blacktion. [You know what, I’m just going to add “Blacktion” to my Word dictionary now. – Ed.]

Both teams had marquee QBs sit this game out due to injury – Vick for Coach Cozinson and the Bathroom Bandit Ben Roethlisberger for poor, sad Coach Craig. Speaking of quarterbacks, had Craig played Badger alumnus Russell Wilson (24.8 points) over the bipolar Fitzpatrick (12.4 points), he would have mopped the floor with the Cosmos. Honestly, though, it was a toss-up between the two, with the helmsmen facing the Dolphins and Colts, respectively. Craig may have been motivated by a recent trade for the bearded Bill.

The interesting bit is that last week, both teams were in talks to trade for Fitzy, and Dan may have given up Old Faithful Eric Decker (10.4 points) in his QB desperation, had he not also been overseas on a tropical locale and with limited Internet access. YES, BOTH COACHES WERE MANAGING FANTASY FOOTBAL TEAMS FROM AN 80-DEGREE FRIGGIN’ BEACH. Turns out, Tony Homo (34.3 points) and Flacco (19.8) showed up for the good coach. What a world.

Decided on Sunday, the real killer of this match up was that Dan made one of two possible lineups that would have resulted in victory this week. He had only 17.9 bench points, and his inactive TE, Brent Celek (3.9 points) would have trumped an uncharacteristic goose egg from Vernon Davis, usually a force of nature. Again, it didn’t matter.

The Spinning Cosmos are a lock for the playoffs, and the Affirmative Blacktion will assume a new, even more offensive mantle in 2013. If you didn’t know, Dan’s dog, which I assume spins like a motherfucker because it’s a hyper-ass vizsla, is named Cosmo. That’s why his team is called the Spinning Cosmos. Clearly this is the devil’s work. Let us all pray that one day we will eradicate this horrid name from our honorable league. As fate would have it, the Affirmative Blacktion will soon be no more. I will pour out some of my PBR for ye, AB.

Week 13 Preview:

Sandusky Disciples vs. Spinning Cosmos

 



I call this photo "Death of a Cosmos"



Let us look ahead, to the first-place tiebreaker in the West Division, between lucky-ass Dan Cozine (holder of the Won By A Cunt Hair trophy for his 0.1-point victory last week) and surging Louis Olsen IV and his Sandusky Diddlers. Yes, he has returned from an embarrassing 2011 season to unexpected glory in this year’s regular season.  In fact, he’s a 22-point favorite going into the match.



But we all know that ESPN’s predictions are bullshit.

For example, they predict that Stevie Johnson will rack up 20.5 points this week against Jacksonville. POPPYCOCK. That would be his best game all season. Quite a prognostication. They also estimate Flacco’s production versus the Steelers at 13.1 points when he’s averaging 18.1 on the season. He played at Pittsburgh just two weeks ago and managed a measly 6.5 points. But they say that Flacco sucks in away games, and this week’s is at home in Baltimore. So what, did they just pick a number out of a hat? Fuck these guys.

Anyway, Dan stands a chance, since Romo has a great match up against the Eagles, who apparently like to ruin fantasy seasons by giving up 40 points to Cam Newton out of the blue. And I’ll be damned if I think Sproles will tally only 9.1 points this week. That motherfucker is a monster, and could go off at any time, broken hand or no.

Keep your attention to Monday Night Football, as this match up will be decided by RGIII’s performance against bipolar rival the New York Giants. The winning coach will be spared a play-in match to the meat of the playoffs, and I can’t think of two more douchy assholes to compete for the honor. Fuck this game.

I’m out.

Prediction: Sandusky by 9.5

Kenosha Fighting Dildos vs. Lansing Clam Faces

While the first game I previewed was for a division title, this is the only game that will decide "Life & Death" to the 2012 season.  Thanks to an amazing effort to piss away a 50 point lead, the Clam Faces are now in a very dire situation.  Had they held on to win this past weekend, the only way the Dildos make the post season is by mounting a 15+ point victory over the Clams.  Instead....

This game is a one and done situation.  So essentially, the playoffs start tonight.  The winner of this Eastern division game will punch a ticket to the Big Prance.   

As with the Cosmos and Shower Powers, this game could come down to Monday night.  The Dildos have Eli Manning and Victor Cruz taking on a very pedestrian Redskins defense.  If the Clams want to play an extra December game(that means something), they might want to shoot for a bigger lead than 50pts.  Because if I know anything about football, I know that Eli Manning is better than Cam Newton and Victor Cruz is better than Steve Smith.  Sweeney might want to shoot for a 60 to 70 point lead going into Monday...just to be safe. 

If you are going to pay attention to a game this weekend, it should be this one.  Your game is probably overrated and serves you no real purpose, so hop on a bandwagon.  ESPN is projecting a Dildos victory by 13 points, which means exactly dick lips.  Sit your ass down and keep an eye on this game, even if it does cut into your ritualistic Sunday spank sessions...it will be worth it.  A wirey old man versus a sexually verile 30 something...did you know they brought back Cougar Town?  TBS...where dead shows go to die...again. 

Prediction: Dildos by 3.9

Playoff Preview - East Division

By Patrick Stewart

Duty. A starship captain's life is filled with solemn duty. I have commanded men in battle. I have negotiated peace treaties between implacable enemies. I have represented the Federation in first contact with twenty seven alien species. But none of this compares with my solemn duty today -- as guest blogger for West Wilson Street Weekly. Now, I know, on an occasion such as this, it is expected that I be gracious and fulsome in my praise on the wonders of this blessed division, but there is one fact I cannot shake from my consciousness.

The West Wilson Street Revival East Division has a 100 percent failure rate in its pursuit of the Ryan Leaf Tournament trophy.

So while I will perform my duty today in analyzing the hopes of each of these fantasy football disappointments, I will do so knowing that none will break the trend of handing the Leaf Trophy to the West. Let us begin.


Waukesha Claymakers:

In the cellar, Coach Blake has seen a variety of issues this year -- most from his beloved Packers. Rodgers briefly faltered, leaving the Claymakers scrambling. Cedric Benson's injury blew a hole in the lineup, and in week 10 he will have to face a tough Dildos team without his star QB or nascently productive WR Randall Cobb. He's not got a terrible team -- just an unlucky one. His stars have been unpredictable thus far, and many points have been stranded on the bench for Coach Back Door. As a result, he has had a shitty beginning of the season, and will likely miss the playoffs this year if his players remain as sporadic as they have been so far. Odds of making the post-season: 40%

Madison Banana Hammocks:

As I write this, Coach Davy's star WR, A.J. Green has 16 points. Right now less than five minutes have elapsed in the game. Add to that Purple Jesus, Brandon Lloyd and Hakeem Nicks and I don't see any way that the team can't do well. What's that? Davy is below .500 with a 4-5 record? I do not understand. [Checks QB situation] Ah yes. Ryan Tannehill and Jay Cutler. That's why. QBs are so important in this league that despite his strong WR/RB corps, he'll have to get lucky to pull off a victory over the better teams in the Revival. He'll make the playoffs, but like the Clams, will likely fall early. Odds of making the post-season: 60%

Lansing Clam Faces:

Buoyed by a couple of stars, the blue-collar Clam Faces have seen much turnover so far this season. They have ridden the waiver wire perhaps too much, with hyped players like Kevin Ogletree, Titus Young and Josh Gordon all underperforming after breakout games. However, Coach Sweeney's gamble on rookie Andrew Luck has paid dividends, and Frank Gore has exceeded expectations, earning a spot in the list of top 10 RBs so far this season. This team will likely make the playoffs, but fizzle if DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and Ryan Mathews don't turn their seasons around. Odds of making the post-season: 75%

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos:

In a delightful story of an old guy overcoming the adversity of a terrible first-ever fantasy season, Coach Olsen the Senior is firmly in second place in the East Division. His all-Manning QB strategy has proven successful, despite seeming a little gimmicky at first. He has survived Chris Johnson's terrible first half of the season, and the RB now seems poised to break out. At the same time, a lack of depth could sink his season if he gets a visit from the injury fairy. Odds of making the post-season: 75%

Philadelphia Butt Pirates:

The clear favorite, Charles' well-coached squad sits atop the division at 7-2. With a comfortable two-game lead, the good coach looks to maintain his perfect history, having never missed the playoffs. He has, however, shown signs of desperation. After an injury to top-5 WR Percy Harvin, he ditched his backup QB in favor of speedster Taiwan Jones. Really, he had no choice but to dump stinkbomb Matt Cassell, but one rough sack to Tom Brady or Matt Schaub could torpedo Gingerballs' post-season chances. Odds of making the post-season: 100%

Playoff Preview - West Division

-->

 By Morgan Freeman

Football. Whether a fantasy or a real game with real consequences, it’s power over us cannot be ignored. We watch helplessly from week to week, thinking that our cheers will somehow impact the outcome. But the truth remains -- investing in football means investing in something greater than oneself.  The West Wilson Street Revival League stands for all that is right, and so horribly wrong with competition.

My job today, is to walk you through each team and their hope for Ryan Leaf immortality.  Some will be happy and others will be the opposite of happy.  Many will try, but only one will succeed.  Could it be a team from the Western Division for the third consecutive season, or will the East finally rise up and meet the vast challenge that lies before them.

I am Morgan Freeman, and this ......... is my Western Division playoff preview.

Affirmative Blacktion: 

1982-2012

Mathematically eliminated from post season play, the only professional sports team in the state of Alaska has fallen well short of their preseason hopes. All they can do now is pray that they win the Crapper Bowl and avoid being renamed by a league of perverts. Rather than this weekend’s matchup with the Sandusky Disciples being a statement game, it is nothing more than a wave of the white flag. With only 7 active players on the roster, Coach Craig “The Mexskimo” Moylan must now spend the remainder of the season deciding which two players will stay with him for 2013, and who will go pack into the cesspool we call a draft. Odds of Making Post-Season: 0%

Madison Scrotum Smashers:

...stupid.

The reigning champs have pulled off miracles before, thanks to Coach Nic Tyson’s amazing coaching. Last season they snuck into the post-season as a sub-par wild card entry.  They finished with the Ryan Leaf Trophy. Truly, one of the more blessed seasons in the history of this storied league. So far this season, his magic seems to have worn out its welcome. He took a huge risk in keeping Cam Newton and Jamaal Charles, both whom have underperformed.  Star WR Greg Jennings has missed most of the season, ironically, with some testicular issues. While the Smashers remain just one game out of the playoff hunt, three straight loses this late in the season can be the difference between the Leaf Tournament and the Turd Tourney.  But in order to repeat, his team will need to score more points.  They have currently tallied the second fewest points in the league, only outscoring the pathetic Blackies by 23.  Odds of Making Post-Season: 20%

K-Town Bootleggers:

...according to GIS

In 2011, the Bootleggers were the class of the league and winners of the Western Division…then they defecated in the bed during the 1st round of the Ryan Leaf Tournament.  This season, they have all of the fire power the 2011 team did, but with worse luck.  Through 9 weeks, the Bootstrap Bill Turner’s have had the most points scored against them in the league.  A whopping 1338.7 points have been put up so far, for an average of 148.7 pts scored against him each week.  That is a very tall obstacle to overcome on a week by week basis.  They currently hold the 3rd and final spot in the Western division, if the season ended today.  But their hopes of winning the division are slim to mostly none, as they are 4 games back, with 4 games to go.  But they can solidify their playoff hopes with a win against the Scrotum Smashers this weekend.  A 2 game lead with 3 games to play, should be more than enough for them to hold off Coach Tyson and Co., therefore making it into the Tournament of Champions.  Odds of Making the Post-Season: 65%

Sandusky Disciples:

Smooth, Lou.

Cellar dwellers in 2011, and Ryan Leaf Champions in 2010, the Disciples seem to be back to their winning ways.  Currently they are the highest scoring team in the league, but have had the 3rd most points scored against them.  That is a recipe for a 5-4 record to this point.  There is no denying that on any given week this team can score with the best of them, but they also have plenty of miscues.  Matt Stafford was an addition prior to the draft, whom has vastly underperformed.  They have had inconsistencies from the D/ST position all season long.  But, thanks to Arian Foster, Robert Griffin III, and Doug Martin this team is in prime position to clinch their playoff spot this weekend.  A Disciples win and Scrotum Smasher loss would punch their RLT ticket.  This team has the makings of a 2011 Scrotum Smashers, plenty of fire power without the impressive regular season record.  You can also look for this team to have a new name in 2013.  Odds of Making the Post-Season: 85%

Rochester Spinning Cosmos:

Hardcore.

Thanks to Coach Daniel Cozine and his astronomical drafting technique, the Cosmos are already planning for the RLT.  At this point it is mathematically impossible for them to not be a participant in this tournament of champions.  The bigger goal, winning the Western division…WHICH, they can put out of reach with a win this weekend, against the Eastern division leading Philadelphia Butt Pirates.  I do not intend to belittle what this team has accomplished, but they have had the least amount of points scored against them in the 2012 campaign.  Opponents are only scoring an average of 128.2 points per week, while Cozine is scoring an average of 144.8 a week.  This is clearly the best team in the league as I am writing this, but as we saw last season…the best regular season team does not always march onto the Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy.  However, I expect this team to rest up and be ready for post-season play.  Odds of Making the Post-Season: 100%

Morgan Freeman’s Prediction:

In the first round, I believe the K-Town Bootleggers will have to travel to Seattle to face the Sandusky Disciples.  Seattle has not hosted a WWSR postseason game since the 2010 Championship and you can bet that “The Shower” will be rocking.  In the end, I believe that the Disciples will be too much for the Bootleggers too handle.  However, we are going to get another look at these two teams on the same field in Week 12.  The outcome of that game could change the location of the 1st round game, as well as the momentum in this postseason.  Morgan’s pick: Disciples win 165.3 to 152.1

The Western Division Championship Game will be decided in the trenches.  It will come down to the Kickers and the D/ST.  These two teams can go punch for punch at every other position, but this is where a coach really earns his legacy.  At the end of that fateful Monday night, I suspect that the Spinning Cosmos will be more than the Disciples can handle.  The Bears D/ST has been the driving force behind the Coach Cozine Machine.  They will not disappoint late in the season and will push the Cosmos into the Ryan Leaf Championship Game for the first time in the history of their franchise.  Morgan's Pick: Cosmos win 154.9 to 141.7

Week 9, Feeling Fine

Good Evening My Fellow...Dudes.

Can you believe that there are only 4 more weeks before the regular season comes to a close?  Not only will two of you unlucky sons of bitches get your teams re-named, but I will be out of another fucking job.  You know...I can't make Madagascar movies forever.  I mean I would if the studio let me, but they want to move on to other projects.  This is the only thing paying my bills right now, and do you know how expensive a sex reassignment procedure my rent is?

This week was full of surprises.  In fact there were so many surprises I have decided to lop off my man tail and get a pleasure hole   I thought Christmas splooged early, err came early I mean.  Alright, enough about my holiday man-naise, lets get right into to the fornication action.

Editors note: This is a blog, I have no idea why Schwimmer keeps crossing things out.  All he has to do is delete this shit.  9 weeks on the job and he still doesn't fucking get it. 


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (175.3)                                         (141.2)

When you talk about the Cock Cots, you think about two of the most overrated QB's in the league, a dead owner, and a can of discontinued soda possessed by the devil.  This has been a winning formula as of late, winning 3 of their last 4, behind the skillful coaching of Demon Pibb.  Carson Palmer and Jay Cutler both got the sand out of their sex holes and put up some numbers (36.9 and 26.4 respectively).  Adrian Peterson continues to show how well demonic spells can help your knee ligaments to heal (34.3 pts).  The bottom line is, if the Hammocks can knock off the division leaders, then who is safe?

On the other side of the field...the Booty Bandits were due for a lose.  They had some pretty solid performances, but nothing that really gave them that extra "take a deep breath, I'm going all in" type of week.  Matt Cassel once again snapped his wiener off trying to do a cock push-up on prime time TV (6.9 pts).  And the biggest surprise for the Sexual Scurvies, was Percy Harvin and his 3.4 pts.  After the game coach Ginger Kinz had some choice words:

Fuck....that....shit.  The next time we play them, I bringing a young priest and an old priest.  I am going to exorcise that delicious Dr. Pepper rip-off.  None of this would have ever happened if Davy were still alive....I would have easily won today if he was still here.  May he burn in hell.    

Boners of the Week: Hakeem Nicks (2 pts) and Percy Harvin (3.4 pts)


Affirmative Blacktion vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
            (118.2)                               (145.6)

Well, it's time to start thinking of new names for the Blacktion, as it appears old Craigsky has given up for the season. Let's make it particularly dirty this time, boys, since he went ahead and started an inactive Jonathan Dwyer. He could have gotten rid of one of his TWO GODDAMN defenses in favor of another RB, but no dice. Other signals include his retention of a stinky Domenik Hixon who has totaled 11.8 points in his last three games, and his probable despair at keeping 27.6 points of Russell Wilson on his bench this week.

On the other side of the coin, the Elder Olsen and the Dildo Dandies survived almost wholly on excellent performances from Brandon Marshall (39.2 points), Peyton Manning (25.4 points) and believe it or not the Chargers D/ST (26 points). Eli, Antonio Brown and Jermichael Finley combined for 8.5 points, while the rest of the team had average showings. Seriously, Eli. What the fuck happened??? The continued unpredictability of Chris Johnson (20.5 points this week) continues to confound the taint ticklers, and no coach can really envy Coach Olsen, Sr. for his ownership of said schizo.

Boners of the week: Dwyer (0 points), Eli (3 points), Finley (1.6 points) and Antonio Brown (3.9 points)


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
             (142)                                 (153.9)

Despite a respectable showing from his whole team, as well as two of the hottest QBs in the NFL right now in Matt Ryan (14.5 points) and Josh Freeman (22.1 points), Coach Leiting and his Foot Fetishists lost the battle this week. Meanwhile, Coach Cozinson continues his unabated tirade of soul crushing, moving to 8-1. He managed to do this with his everyday TE, Vernon Davis, on bye, and an erratic Michael Vick (20.2 points) in the driver's seat. He did lose a major contributor this week -- killer RB Darren McFadden left his game with a high ankle sprain and 3.7 points. Who knows when he will return, but with Reggie Wayne (20.8 points) and Minnesota sweetheart Eric Decker (29.9 points) present to pick up the slack, Dan should be OK. What a dick.

Coach Leiting, however, has to make a move to qualify for the playoffs. At 4-5, with a stable of erratic players like C.J. Spiller (15.2 points), Calvin Johnson (19.9), Felix Jones (15.9) and Brian Hartline (18.7), his week-to-week decisions are high-risk, high-reward. And with a slumping Brandon Weeden (4.1) as his backup QB, it's time to start praying for the health of Ryan and Freeman.

Boner of the week: Falcons D/ST (3 points)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Sandusky Disciples
                (116.9)                                 (174.9)

This is actual footage of Doug Martin training

I don't know what kind of Viagra Lou, Jr. has been taking, but he's on a tear of late. Last week he scored 182 damn points (and lost?!), and this week he's in the same ballpark with 174.9. Next up he has the hapless Affirmative Blacktion, which could be the mismatch of the century. This week, however, he was bolstered by a(n) historic 55-point performance from Doug Martin. With a solid day from the remainder of his squad, that was plenty to take care of poor Coach Tynoballs.

The Scrotes suffered disappointing output from Bradshaw (4.8), Pettigrew (2.1) and Jamaal Charles (9.6). Nobody else really came up with much outside the norm, and going against the streaking, boiling hot - dare I say FLAMING - Coach Lil' Lou, that's just not going to cut it.

Stud of the week: Doug Martin (55.2 points)
Boner of the week: Ahmad Bradshaw (4.8 points)


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
            (126.1)                            (125.5)

Wow...just....wow.  We have had some amazing games this season, but how can you tangle with a game decided by less than 1 point?  Drew Brees did just enough to will his team to victory, while the stars of this game were Andrew Luck (29.8 pts) for the Clams and Aaron Rodgers (34 pts) for the Clays.  

If I am Coach Blake, it is time for the Christian Ponder experiment to come to an end.  I never thought that Alex Smith would be a better option than any QB not wearing a Jets uniform...but to play an entire game and only throw for 63 yards AND a pick?  Rex Grossman is sitting at home right now laughing his fat head off.  You can literally look at this game and pinpoint one players performance for the outcome of this game, Christian Ponder.  Well, that and the Cardinals D/ST...in Lambeau against the Packers?  Fuckin' up Derr.  You consulting with Craig on coaching decisions?  

Truth is, while this was an amazing game at the end, everything leading up to it was painful.  You had 10 out of 20 players score in single digits, and 4 of those 10 scored 4 pts or less.  This game had major playoff implications, with the win the Wham Bam Thank You Clams move closer to clinching a post season berth, while the Pottery Barns move one step closer to being renamed in 2013.   

Boner of the Week: Chrsitian Ponder  (2.8 points) 


In honor of Christian Ponder single-handedly fucking over his team's hopes for playoff glory, here is a picture of his girlfriend...ok well it's not actually her, but this girl has the exact same name.  Gents, meet Samantha Steele a student at Michigan State University (go and find her Sweens, she is real).