Playoff Preview - East Division

By Patrick Stewart

Duty. A starship captain's life is filled with solemn duty. I have commanded men in battle. I have negotiated peace treaties between implacable enemies. I have represented the Federation in first contact with twenty seven alien species. But none of this compares with my solemn duty today -- as guest blogger for West Wilson Street Weekly. Now, I know, on an occasion such as this, it is expected that I be gracious and fulsome in my praise on the wonders of this blessed division, but there is one fact I cannot shake from my consciousness.

The West Wilson Street Revival East Division has a 100 percent failure rate in its pursuit of the Ryan Leaf Tournament trophy.

So while I will perform my duty today in analyzing the hopes of each of these fantasy football disappointments, I will do so knowing that none will break the trend of handing the Leaf Trophy to the West. Let us begin.


Waukesha Claymakers:

In the cellar, Coach Blake has seen a variety of issues this year -- most from his beloved Packers. Rodgers briefly faltered, leaving the Claymakers scrambling. Cedric Benson's injury blew a hole in the lineup, and in week 10 he will have to face a tough Dildos team without his star QB or nascently productive WR Randall Cobb. He's not got a terrible team -- just an unlucky one. His stars have been unpredictable thus far, and many points have been stranded on the bench for Coach Back Door. As a result, he has had a shitty beginning of the season, and will likely miss the playoffs this year if his players remain as sporadic as they have been so far. Odds of making the post-season: 40%

Madison Banana Hammocks:

As I write this, Coach Davy's star WR, A.J. Green has 16 points. Right now less than five minutes have elapsed in the game. Add to that Purple Jesus, Brandon Lloyd and Hakeem Nicks and I don't see any way that the team can't do well. What's that? Davy is below .500 with a 4-5 record? I do not understand. [Checks QB situation] Ah yes. Ryan Tannehill and Jay Cutler. That's why. QBs are so important in this league that despite his strong WR/RB corps, he'll have to get lucky to pull off a victory over the better teams in the Revival. He'll make the playoffs, but like the Clams, will likely fall early. Odds of making the post-season: 60%

Lansing Clam Faces:

Buoyed by a couple of stars, the blue-collar Clam Faces have seen much turnover so far this season. They have ridden the waiver wire perhaps too much, with hyped players like Kevin Ogletree, Titus Young and Josh Gordon all underperforming after breakout games. However, Coach Sweeney's gamble on rookie Andrew Luck has paid dividends, and Frank Gore has exceeded expectations, earning a spot in the list of top 10 RBs so far this season. This team will likely make the playoffs, but fizzle if DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and Ryan Mathews don't turn their seasons around. Odds of making the post-season: 75%

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos:

In a delightful story of an old guy overcoming the adversity of a terrible first-ever fantasy season, Coach Olsen the Senior is firmly in second place in the East Division. His all-Manning QB strategy has proven successful, despite seeming a little gimmicky at first. He has survived Chris Johnson's terrible first half of the season, and the RB now seems poised to break out. At the same time, a lack of depth could sink his season if he gets a visit from the injury fairy. Odds of making the post-season: 75%

Philadelphia Butt Pirates:

The clear favorite, Charles' well-coached squad sits atop the division at 7-2. With a comfortable two-game lead, the good coach looks to maintain his perfect history, having never missed the playoffs. He has, however, shown signs of desperation. After an injury to top-5 WR Percy Harvin, he ditched his backup QB in favor of speedster Taiwan Jones. Really, he had no choice but to dump stinkbomb Matt Cassell, but one rough sack to Tom Brady or Matt Schaub could torpedo Gingerballs' post-season chances. Odds of making the post-season: 100%