Week 9, Feeling Fine

Good Evening My Fellow...Dudes.

Can you believe that there are only 4 more weeks before the regular season comes to a close?  Not only will two of you unlucky sons of bitches get your teams re-named, but I will be out of another fucking job.  You know...I can't make Madagascar movies forever.  I mean I would if the studio let me, but they want to move on to other projects.  This is the only thing paying my bills right now, and do you know how expensive a sex reassignment procedure my rent is?

This week was full of surprises.  In fact there were so many surprises I have decided to lop off my man tail and get a pleasure hole   I thought Christmas splooged early, err came early I mean.  Alright, enough about my holiday man-naise, lets get right into to the fornication action.

Editors note: This is a blog, I have no idea why Schwimmer keeps crossing things out.  All he has to do is delete this shit.  9 weeks on the job and he still doesn't fucking get it. 


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (175.3)                                         (141.2)

When you talk about the Cock Cots, you think about two of the most overrated QB's in the league, a dead owner, and a can of discontinued soda possessed by the devil.  This has been a winning formula as of late, winning 3 of their last 4, behind the skillful coaching of Demon Pibb.  Carson Palmer and Jay Cutler both got the sand out of their sex holes and put up some numbers (36.9 and 26.4 respectively).  Adrian Peterson continues to show how well demonic spells can help your knee ligaments to heal (34.3 pts).  The bottom line is, if the Hammocks can knock off the division leaders, then who is safe?

On the other side of the field...the Booty Bandits were due for a lose.  They had some pretty solid performances, but nothing that really gave them that extra "take a deep breath, I'm going all in" type of week.  Matt Cassel once again snapped his wiener off trying to do a cock push-up on prime time TV (6.9 pts).  And the biggest surprise for the Sexual Scurvies, was Percy Harvin and his 3.4 pts.  After the game coach Ginger Kinz had some choice words:

Fuck....that....shit.  The next time we play them, I bringing a young priest and an old priest.  I am going to exorcise that delicious Dr. Pepper rip-off.  None of this would have ever happened if Davy were still alive....I would have easily won today if he was still here.  May he burn in hell.    

Boners of the Week: Hakeem Nicks (2 pts) and Percy Harvin (3.4 pts)


Affirmative Blacktion vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
            (118.2)                               (145.6)

Well, it's time to start thinking of new names for the Blacktion, as it appears old Craigsky has given up for the season. Let's make it particularly dirty this time, boys, since he went ahead and started an inactive Jonathan Dwyer. He could have gotten rid of one of his TWO GODDAMN defenses in favor of another RB, but no dice. Other signals include his retention of a stinky Domenik Hixon who has totaled 11.8 points in his last three games, and his probable despair at keeping 27.6 points of Russell Wilson on his bench this week.

On the other side of the coin, the Elder Olsen and the Dildo Dandies survived almost wholly on excellent performances from Brandon Marshall (39.2 points), Peyton Manning (25.4 points) and believe it or not the Chargers D/ST (26 points). Eli, Antonio Brown and Jermichael Finley combined for 8.5 points, while the rest of the team had average showings. Seriously, Eli. What the fuck happened??? The continued unpredictability of Chris Johnson (20.5 points this week) continues to confound the taint ticklers, and no coach can really envy Coach Olsen, Sr. for his ownership of said schizo.

Boners of the week: Dwyer (0 points), Eli (3 points), Finley (1.6 points) and Antonio Brown (3.9 points)


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
             (142)                                 (153.9)

Despite a respectable showing from his whole team, as well as two of the hottest QBs in the NFL right now in Matt Ryan (14.5 points) and Josh Freeman (22.1 points), Coach Leiting and his Foot Fetishists lost the battle this week. Meanwhile, Coach Cozinson continues his unabated tirade of soul crushing, moving to 8-1. He managed to do this with his everyday TE, Vernon Davis, on bye, and an erratic Michael Vick (20.2 points) in the driver's seat. He did lose a major contributor this week -- killer RB Darren McFadden left his game with a high ankle sprain and 3.7 points. Who knows when he will return, but with Reggie Wayne (20.8 points) and Minnesota sweetheart Eric Decker (29.9 points) present to pick up the slack, Dan should be OK. What a dick.

Coach Leiting, however, has to make a move to qualify for the playoffs. At 4-5, with a stable of erratic players like C.J. Spiller (15.2 points), Calvin Johnson (19.9), Felix Jones (15.9) and Brian Hartline (18.7), his week-to-week decisions are high-risk, high-reward. And with a slumping Brandon Weeden (4.1) as his backup QB, it's time to start praying for the health of Ryan and Freeman.

Boner of the week: Falcons D/ST (3 points)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Sandusky Disciples
                (116.9)                                 (174.9)

This is actual footage of Doug Martin training

I don't know what kind of Viagra Lou, Jr. has been taking, but he's on a tear of late. Last week he scored 182 damn points (and lost?!), and this week he's in the same ballpark with 174.9. Next up he has the hapless Affirmative Blacktion, which could be the mismatch of the century. This week, however, he was bolstered by a(n) historic 55-point performance from Doug Martin. With a solid day from the remainder of his squad, that was plenty to take care of poor Coach Tynoballs.

The Scrotes suffered disappointing output from Bradshaw (4.8), Pettigrew (2.1) and Jamaal Charles (9.6). Nobody else really came up with much outside the norm, and going against the streaking, boiling hot - dare I say FLAMING - Coach Lil' Lou, that's just not going to cut it.

Stud of the week: Doug Martin (55.2 points)
Boner of the week: Ahmad Bradshaw (4.8 points)


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
            (126.1)                            (125.5)

Wow...just....wow.  We have had some amazing games this season, but how can you tangle with a game decided by less than 1 point?  Drew Brees did just enough to will his team to victory, while the stars of this game were Andrew Luck (29.8 pts) for the Clams and Aaron Rodgers (34 pts) for the Clays.  

If I am Coach Blake, it is time for the Christian Ponder experiment to come to an end.  I never thought that Alex Smith would be a better option than any QB not wearing a Jets uniform...but to play an entire game and only throw for 63 yards AND a pick?  Rex Grossman is sitting at home right now laughing his fat head off.  You can literally look at this game and pinpoint one players performance for the outcome of this game, Christian Ponder.  Well, that and the Cardinals D/ST...in Lambeau against the Packers?  Fuckin' up Derr.  You consulting with Craig on coaching decisions?  

Truth is, while this was an amazing game at the end, everything leading up to it was painful.  You had 10 out of 20 players score in single digits, and 4 of those 10 scored 4 pts or less.  This game had major playoff implications, with the win the Wham Bam Thank You Clams move closer to clinching a post season berth, while the Pottery Barns move one step closer to being renamed in 2013.   

Boner of the Week: Chrsitian Ponder  (2.8 points) 


In honor of Christian Ponder single-handedly fucking over his team's hopes for playoff glory, here is a picture of his girlfriend...ok well it's not actually her, but this girl has the exact same name.  Gents, meet Samantha Steele a student at Michigan State University (go and find her Sweens, she is real).