As the regular season comes to a close, there is really no reason to re-cap every game. To be quite honest, some of you are not even worth the imaginary ink this computer spouts onto imaginary paper. Since this upcoming weekend is the end of the regular season, we are going to focus on the only 2 games that matter. And since this is a re-cap, we will cover what many are calling "The Greatest Game in League History". First let's start with the absolutes, here are the 3 teams staying home for the playoffs:
W - Coach Craig and the Affirmative Blacktion
W - Coach Tyson and the reigning RLT Champion Madison Scrotum Smashers
E - Coach Blake and the Waukesha Claymakers
Here are the 5 teams that are locked into a playoff spot:
E - Philadelphia Butt Pirates
E - Madison Banana Hammocks
W - Rochester Spinning Cosmos
W - Sandusky Disciples
W - K-Town Bootleggers
That leaves one spot left at Ryan Leaf glory and one spot for the Toilet Bowl. That spot will be decided this weekend in a head to head match up between...you know what, I won't spoil it. Here is this week's 1 re-cap and the preview of two games that actually serve a purpose.
Week 12 Recap:
Affirmative Blacktion vs. Spinning Cosmos
(144.5) (144.6)
YOU GUYS. I think we had the game of the season this week. Srsly. It involved mystery. It left one coach broken-hearted. It captivated the hearts and minds of millions. It didn’t matter. It featured the Spinning Cosmos in a slide toward an inevitable playoff berth versus millionaire, jet-setting playboy Coach Craig Moylan and his one-win Affirmative Blacktion. [You know what, I’m just going to add “Blacktion” to my Word dictionary now. – Ed.]
Both teams had marquee QBs sit this game out due to injury – Vick for Coach Cozinson and the Bathroom Bandit Ben Roethlisberger for poor, sad Coach Craig. Speaking of quarterbacks, had Craig played Badger alumnus Russell Wilson (24.8 points) over the bipolar Fitzpatrick (12.4 points), he would have mopped the floor with the Cosmos. Honestly, though, it was a toss-up between the two, with the helmsmen facing the Dolphins and Colts, respectively. Craig may have been motivated by a recent trade for the bearded Bill.
The interesting bit is that last week, both teams were in talks to trade for Fitzy, and Dan may have given up Old Faithful Eric Decker (10.4 points) in his QB desperation, had he not also been overseas on a tropical locale and with limited Internet access. YES, BOTH COACHES WERE MANAGING FANTASY FOOTBAL TEAMS FROM AN 80-DEGREE FRIGGIN’ BEACH. Turns out, Tony Homo (34.3 points) and Flacco (19.8) showed up for the good coach. What a world.
Decided on Sunday, the real killer of this match up was that Dan made one of two possible lineups that would have resulted in victory this week. He had only 17.9 bench points, and his inactive TE, Brent Celek (3.9 points) would have trumped an uncharacteristic goose egg from Vernon Davis, usually a force of nature. Again, it didn’t matter.
The Spinning Cosmos are a lock for the playoffs, and the Affirmative Blacktion will assume a new, even more offensive mantle in 2013. If you didn’t know, Dan’s dog, which I assume spins like a motherfucker because it’s a hyper-ass vizsla, is named Cosmo. That’s why his team is called the Spinning Cosmos. Clearly this is the devil’s work. Let us all pray that one day we will eradicate this horrid name from our honorable league. As fate would have it, the Affirmative Blacktion will soon be no more. I will pour out some of my PBR for ye, AB.
Week 13 Preview:
Sandusky Disciples vs. Spinning Cosmos
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| I call this photo "Death of a Cosmos" |
Let us look ahead, to the first-place tiebreaker in the West Division, between lucky-ass Dan Cozine (holder of the Won By A Cunt Hair trophy for his 0.1-point victory last week) and surging Louis Olsen IV and his Sandusky Diddlers. Yes, he has returned from an embarrassing 2011 season to unexpected glory in this year’s regular season. In fact, he’s a 22-point favorite going into the match.
But we all know that ESPN’s predictions are bullshit.
For example, they predict that Stevie Johnson will rack up 20.5 points this week against Jacksonville. POPPYCOCK. That would be his best game all season. Quite a prognostication. They also estimate Flacco’s production versus the Steelers at 13.1 points when he’s averaging 18.1 on the season. He played at Pittsburgh just two weeks ago and managed a measly 6.5 points. But they say that Flacco sucks in away games, and this week’s is at home in Baltimore. So what, did they just pick a number out of a hat? Fuck these guys.
Anyway, Dan stands a chance, since Romo has a great match up against the Eagles, who apparently like to ruin fantasy seasons by giving up 40 points to Cam Newton out of the blue. And I’ll be damned if I think Sproles will tally only 9.1 points this week. That motherfucker is a monster, and could go off at any time, broken hand or no.
Keep your attention to Monday Night Football, as this match up will be decided by RGIII’s performance against bipolar rival the New York Giants. The winning coach will be spared a play-in match to the meat of the playoffs, and I can’t think of two more douchy assholes to compete for the honor. Fuck this game.
I’m out.
Prediction: Sandusky by 9.5
Kenosha Fighting Dildos vs. Lansing Clam Faces
While the first game I previewed was for a division title, this is the only game that will decide "Life & Death" to the 2012 season. Thanks to an amazing effort to piss away a 50 point lead, the Clam Faces are now in a very dire situation. Had they held on to win this past weekend, the only way the Dildos make the post season is by mounting a 15+ point victory over the Clams. Instead....
This game is a one and done situation. So essentially, the playoffs start tonight. The winner of this Eastern division game will punch a ticket to the Big Prance.
As with the Cosmos and Shower Powers, this game could come down to Monday night. The Dildos have Eli Manning and Victor Cruz taking on a very pedestrian Redskins defense. If the Clams want to play an extra December game(that means something), they might want to shoot for a bigger lead than 50pts. Because if I know anything about football, I know that Eli Manning is better than Cam Newton and Victor Cruz is better than Steve Smith. Sweeney might want to shoot for a 60 to 70 point lead going into Monday...just to be safe.
If you are going to pay attention to a game this weekend, it should be this one. Your game is probably overrated and serves you no real purpose, so hop on a bandwagon. ESPN is projecting a Dildos victory by 13 points, which means exactly dick lips. Sit your ass down and keep an eye on this game, even if it does cut into your ritualistic Sunday spank sessions...it will be worth it. A wirey old man versus a sexually verile 30 something...did you know they brought back Cougar Town? TBS...where dead shows go to die...again.
Prediction: Dildos by 3.9
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