WWSR Reporter Uncovers Nate Kaeding/Coach Cozine Phone Conversation

Who would have thought that hiring a washed-up, out of work, martial arts expert would provide so many benefits?

While out looking for more details about “Dinner Party-Gate”, our own Steven Seagal has uncovered previously unaired phone conversations between Coach Dan Cozine and former player (and draft bust) Nate Kaeding. 

CC:  Are you sure this line is secure?  
NK:  Of course I am.  I wouldn’t have called otherwise.  And what's with all the “cloak and dagger” shit?
CC:   Don’t worry about it.  The rendezvous is a go. 
NK:  For real?
CC:  It will be at the old warehouse in Rochester, you know the one, right?
NK:  We've been there like 10 times over the last 2 weeks.  If I don't have it by now I'm dumber than a box of rocks.
CC:  Just checking…anyway, Eric (Decker) and Matt (?) will be meeting us there.  Hopefully we can finally seal the deal and get this show on the road.  Also just so you know, I am a registered sex offender.
NK:  That's, uh, not my concern.  When am I supposed to meet you?
CC:  Sunday night, 6pm.
NK:  Have you lost your mind!?!  What about the draft?
CC:  Don’t worry about it, I will send Commissioner Ginger Fuck a picture of some Faygo and tell him I have a dinner party.  Which isn’t a total lie.  Plus it will give Otto a chance to cut his teeth in the draft circuit. 
NK:  [slams table] You crazy fuck.
CC:  You have to have your priorities straight.  Fantasy Football pays the bills, but it’s not my passion anymore. 
NK:  Otto had better be good.  I'll see you Sunday.  Want to get some Arby's after?
CC:  [click]

This transcript clearly demonstrates that Cozine is involved in something much bigger than a bi-curious fling with Eric Decker.  Why did these four men apparently meet in an old bobsled storage warehouse?  Who is the 4^th man -- Matt?  How do Eric Decker and Nate Kaeding both fit into this bizarre scenario?  Why so secretive?  What could Coach Cozine possibly be hiding? 

Thank you again to our resident martial arts master Steven Seagal for uncovering this amazing audio evidence.  It will be interesting to see how the Commissioner’s office responds to this new evidence.   

WWSR Weekly Uncovers Startling New Photos

WWSR Weekly has obtained two photos that may shed some new light on “Dinner Party-Gate”.

Thanks to our newest reporter, former action star and master of the martial arts Steven Seagal, we have obtained two photos that both incriminate and solidify the claims of Coach Cozine of the Rochester Spooge Cups. 

Through what we can only assume is a product of his unique martial arts training, Seagal uncovered a screen shot of text messages exchanged between Coach Cozine and Commissioner Kinzie.  In this particular exchange, Cozine admits to being happy about once again coaching, “my one true love”, noted New York Jets turd Eric Decker. 

This piece of information would seem inconsequential.  A coach expressing love for a player is not something out of the ordinary in this league, as evidence by Coach Blake Derr’s unnatural love for Aaron Rodgers (readily on display for the 4^th consecutive season this past Sunday).  But wait until you lay your eyes on the second image procured by the newest member of the news team.

Master Seagal also uncovered an incriminating photo taken of Coach Cozine with his one true love, Eric Decker.  In this picture you will note a drunken, trucker style look for the coach…while Decker is looking like a GQ model.  Is there more to the early-education-wining-and-dining Coach's story?

These two pieces of evidence have led this site to wonder, was Cozine speaking in literal terms when he called Decker his “one true love”?  Was Coach Cozine’s Faygo defense nothing more than code for a gay rendezvous?  Did the Coach secretly meet with Eric Decker and two others in an undisclosed-location bobsled storage warehouse in Minnesota for the alleged “Dinner Date”?  These are all questions we hope to have answered in the coming days. 

While this new evidence gives the story an unexpected turn, it also validates Coach Cozine’s Dinner Party excuse.  What the Commissioner’s office needs to determine now is why coach Cozine is hiding in warehouses and having dinner parties with his player and possible lover?  And if so, is that a conflict of interest?  And who are the other two gentlemen spotted with Coach Cozine?  Stay tuned, this story is just going to get weirder.

Spooge Cups Office Releases Statement

Rochester, MN -- Coach Cozine's public affairs manager released this statement in response to recent allegations surrounding the whereabouts of the coach during Sunday's league draft activities. 

"Coach Cozine fully refutes any and all accusations of nefarious activity this past Sunday night.  Photographic proof was sent to the Commissioner of the league, in accordance with league bylaws, demonstrating his attendance at said dinner party.  A picture of a bottle of Faygo brand root beer soda, which was to be used for root beer float desserts, was sent via multimedia text message to the Commissioner's office within one half hour of the official start of the draft.  The coach regrets some of the decisions made on his behalf by his cyborg assistant, Otto D. Rafte.  The cyborg has been fully dismantled and will be sold for scrap metal to the first bidder."  Coach Cozine has not yet been able to be reached for personal comment.  In a related turn of events, Coach Cozine was also reported absent from Monday evening's draft for the Couples' Therapy League, which he co-manages with his wife, Coach Dr. Cozine.  Early reports suggest the cavalier couple shirked their duties in favor of meeting their daughter's preschool teacher and having a family dinner.  Conflicting rumors are also circulating, however, that they flat out forgot the draft was today.  League analysts for both Fantasy Football leagues have clearly taken note of Coach Cozine's apathetic approach, and have adjusted their pre-season power rankings accordingly.  Both the "Rochester Spooge Cups" and the far more family-friendly and appropriately named "Team Cozines" have been dropped to last place in their respective league rankings.  Clearly, the fans in Rochester can not be happy with the lackadaisical attitude paraded about by their teams' leader.  It remains to be seen if this team can scrape together a season better than last year, but expectations are, not surprisingly, at rock bottom.

WWSR Weekly reached out to the Commissioners office for comment on the Faygo soda in question, and while no formal statement was made we were assured that the investigation was "on-going" at this time.  We will have more updates as this story develops.  

From the Desk of Commissioner Kinzie

The circumstances surrounding Daniel Winston Cozine's absence from the 2014 451 West Wilson Street Revival league redraft have come under the investigation of the 451WWSR League Commissioner's Office and League Conduct Office.

The longtime manager and Fantasy Football aficionado, Mr. Cozine, was unable to attend this year's league redraft, held last night, August 24, at 7 PM. He claimed to have been attending a dinner party with his wife, who shall remain nameless, after she scheduled the event without notifying Mr. Cozine or the league in accordance with league policy. This, in and of itself, raised the ire of many of the league managers and league Commissioner. At the conclusion of the draft, a full scale investigation was launched by the Commissioner's office concerning Mr. Cozine's absence as well as several questionable draft picks made by his assistant in his stead. 

Photo of Coach Cozine 

It has been brought to the attention of our lead investigator that Mr. Cozine did not attend a dinner party, nor any dinner party. Much of the evidence presented connects his whereabouts to a warehouse in Rochester, MN between the hours of 5 and 8 PM CST yesterday evening. Additional evidence suggests that Mr. Cozine was accompanied by three individuals as he was seen exiting the premises shortly after 8 PM by local business employees. The identities of the three individuals have yet to determined. At this time the league office will continue the investigation in concert with local authorities. Further information will be released as it is gathered and verified.

Charles Kinzie

451WWSR League Commissioner's Office