THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week: Kurt "Davy" Wagner
                Head Coach of the Madison Firebirds

     For this final interview, I wanted someone who wouldn't dodge the tough questions.  I needed a man who's brother is dating Kimbo Slice.  Or, perhaps a man who has no feeling in his nipples which has in turn left him with no feeling in his soul.  A man who lives with Satan's younger brother, Nic Tyson.  It couldn't hurt if he looked suspiciously like Davy Jones from The Monkees either.  There is such a man you say?  That's right, and he has taken time out of his busy schedule of doing anything other than fantasy football, to chat with me.

     Some of you may be wondering, "Ryan why didn't you gush like this about my interview?"  First of all, quit your bitching.  Second of all, he is the only one of you who sought ME out to do an interview.  When I told him this would be my final interview before I took my post as Charles Kinzie's personal bitch assistant, he was so excited to be my last interview that he puked.  The rest of you took me for granted and now I am leaving, so suck on that you self-righteous bastards.  This is without a doubt, one of the most candid interviews I have ever done.  I hope that you are able to enjoy it, while the tears pour down your cheeks.


R.L:  Davy, what is the story behind your mascot, the Firebird?

D.W:  As a young man, several of my friends realized that a specific piece of my chest hair looked like a bird.  Later it become more refined and everyone called it a Firebird.  I got sick in Vegas one night, the next thing I knew I had Firebird chest hair. 

R.L:  This past weekend you lost another game to your in city rivals, the Madison Chupacabras.  Have you considered moving the team out of Madison, in order to garnish your own fan base?

D.W:  You know Ryan, I had not thought about it but it is a pretty good idea.  Wait, did you just say garnish?  That makes no sense.  Clearly the Chupas own me right now.  That is something I may consider before the start of next season.  If it comes down to who has the smaller penis though, I will be staying in Madison and Tyson will be out looking for a new city to embarrass.

R.L:  This season you have been very quiet.  Is that all part of your strategy?

D.W:  If it was, I wouldn't tell you.  I don't like to let on to plans, certainly not this late in the season.  Honestly though, alot of my silence can be blamed on the ginger and all of his ginger bull shit.  Pay your dues, don't be mean, the trade deadline is coming.......ginger bitch.

R.L:  Whoa.  That sort of leads us into my next questions, how do you feel Chuck has done as the commissioner this year?

D.W:  He is a ginger bitch.

R.L:  Point taken.  Is there a team in the league that you are afraid to play?

D.W:  The Cupacabras.  No doubt about it.  Plus I live with the coach, so when I lose he just won't let it go all week. 

R.L:  Do you think your team will make the playoffs?

D.W:  (laughs, then says nothing)

R.L:  OK......I think.  This week you are playing the Seattle Tree Humpers, who just put up 173 points against the Clams.  How do you plan on stopping them offensively?

D.W:  For starters, I am going to do everything that Sweeney didn't.  His game plan was pointless.  My plan is to pull my head out of my ass and realize that I can not outscore them, but I can contain them.  Hopefully.

R.L:  This question was submitted by one of our readers, What is your favorite beer?

D.W:  Whatever is in the fridge

R.L:  (pause)  Is that it?

D.W:  Yea, why?

R.L:  Nothing, I was just told there would be some mumbling and something about a small penis, but never mind.  Have you taken joy in watching Coach Sweeney's Clams lose 4 games in a row?

D.W:  There are really no words to express how amazing it is to watch him self-destruct.  Plus now I can knock him out of the playoffs, which would be the greatest moment of life.  Not just mine, but all life.  The single greatest moment of ALL life, me getting the last playoff spot over Sweens.

R.L:  Now when we had Lou Olsen on the show, he asked me to ask you about something.  Has Carson Palmer ever knit you a sweater?

D.W:  Why would Carson Palmer knit me a sweater?

R.L:  Because he is on your team and......

D.W:  No Ryan, you have me confused with the other Madison team.  You are the worst interviewer EVER!!!!!!  Do you even do research before you meet with people?  I am glad you are leaving, because quite frankly you are horrible at this.  It's possible that you are a better football player than a journalist, not likely but possible.

R.L:  I'm sorry.  I didn't know I couldn't do that.  Umm, so hey.  Currently there is a vote on the table regarding keepers in the league.  What is your stance?

D.W:  Due to the extraordinary amount of offensive power on my team, I am voting for one keeper.  The way I see it, if my team only has one good player then so should everyone else's.  Hooray for me and to hell with everyone else!!

R.L:  Who are you going to keep?

D.W:  Matt Cassel

R.L:  Why?

D.W:  He scored 40 points in that one game, so I have to believe he will do it at least once next season too.

R.L:  Davy, if you were the GM of every team in the league, which coach deserves to be fired?

D.W:  Probably Coach Ginger Balls because I beat him.....twice.  Keep Sweeney because without him the league would be a hollow shell.  Blake Derr would also be on the chopping block, mostly because we at the Firebirds organization are pro-dog life.  Tyson should probably get fired too, mostly because I don't like him.  Everyone else would be safe.

R.L:  The last thing I would like to talk with you about is not a comfortable subject.  Is it alright if I ask you about the porch incident?

D.W:  Sure.  I took a dump on some body's porch.  It was a number 2 emergency and at the time that porch seemed like the best option. 

R.L:  Thank you Davy, for being so open and honest with me.  Now it's time for our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

D.W:  Giddy-up

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

D.W:  Chupacabra

R.L:  What turns you on?

D.W:  Antonio Banderas Scented Cologne

R.L:  What turns you off?

D.W:  Fig Newtons

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

D.W:  Turd Burglar

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

D.W:  A good solid fart 

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

D.W:  A good solid fart from somebody else

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

D.W:  Dishwasher at a strip club

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

D.W:  Dirty Pirate Hooker

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

D.W:  We're Closed!!

R.L:  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

D.W:  A sloth, I need to get my beauty sleep

R.L:  Well Davy, that is all for you.  Is there anything you would like to add?

D.W:  Yes Ryan, last week my team played to their full potential.  That's right take that in, try and wrap your brain around it.  My team is horrible, but I still look forwarding to beating the shit out of everyone of you.............next year.


     Parting is such sweet sorrow.  I will miss most of you and thank you for the amazing opportunity to sit and talk with you.  Since this is my last article at WWS Weekly, I would like to confirm that part of the champions prize is my 1998 Starting Lineup action figure.  It's a limited edition that I gave to Lou Olsen as a gift.  I guess that is what he thinks of gifts from famous athletes.  Olsen, you are a son of a bitch.  This blog is nothing without me.  Blake and Nic, no hard feelings.....but for the record you both missed out. 

     In closing I would like to leave you with my Championship pick.  Now I projected the entire playoffs in making my pick, here is how I think it will shake down.  I believe the CYO will make it to the championship game..............and defeat the Seattle Tree Humpers.  If you don't like it, tough shit.  Here I come Chuckles, you giant ginger whore.  For the final time.........

Leaf, out!!!

Wally Picks A Winner - Week12

article by: Lou Olsen


     Well, last weeks experiment was a total disaster.  Having said that, I want the dog to fell good so I am going to give him credit where credit is due.  No matter how you slice it, he went 2-2.  Since my experiment was a total failure, we are back at Wally picks a winner.  Keep in mind I did this on Thanksgiving Day, so I may have drunkenly written the wrong team names or something like that.  Well, hope you all had a nice Turkey Day.  Here are my dog's picks for the week:

Wally's Picks

Blackies at the CYO
     Wally Picks:  You Choking?

 

 

Cabras at the Dingles
     Wally Picks:  Poopy Pants


Rainbows at the Clams
     Wally Picks:  ROY G BIV (Rainbow Colors)


Humpers at the Birds

     Wally Picks:  Hump goes the weasel

 

 

   All we can do now is wait for Monday night to be over.  My hope is that Wally will go 4-0 at least one more time before the season is over.  Why don't we all get together and make that happen.  Look for the final Ryan Leaf interview of the season on news stands tomorrow.  I would wish you all good luck, but I am just not Irish enough to hand out that much luck.  Peace out bitches!!

 

Holy High Scores Batman!!

article by: John Travolta

     This week we saw some amazing offensive outputs, 6 out of the 8 teams scored 146 points or more this weekend.  Guys, this is what the people want and it is about time you gave it to them.  Nobody wants to see 86 - 92 fantasy scores, they want 173-159.  For the first time all season, I have mostly good things to write about.  That turn of events could lead to a boring article, but you know they can't all be Saturday Night Fever.

     Let's get this out of the way now.  The Rainbows and Firebirds where on the short bus this weekend.  With their scores combined they only scored 148 points.  I am surprised by this, especially after last weekends impressive wins.  Both teams are still right in the thick of the playoff hunt, but any loss this time of the season is not going to be good.  The Rainbows lose their hold on the division lead and the Birds miss a golden opportunity to pull ever closer to the playoffs.  Neither team can afford to lose next week, but both face tough tests in the Humpers and Clam Faces.

     The league scoring record was broken this weekend at Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium, as the Seattle Tree Humpers scored 173 points en route to a 173 - 159 victory over the Clammy's.  Very rarely in this sport do you see a team score 159 points in a loss, but you can just add that to the list of tough breaks for the Clams on this 4 game losing streak.  From 5-2 and leading the division, to 5-6 and in danger of missing the playoffs all together.  Coach Sweeney has to be scratching his head after this weekend.  By far the most odd stat of this game, Coach Olsen had his TE score 0 points........yet they scored 173.  What a game.

     One last thing I'd like to touch on, this is going to be a very busy Blog week.  Squeak will be back with Power Rankings, Wally is going to be doing something, and of course the farewell interview from Ryan Leaf.  As we go into the final playoff push, things around WWS Weekly are going to get crazy.  Things could get out of hand.  Just a heads up.  Here are the games:


Week 11 Re-Cap


FIREBIRDS    vs    CHUPAS
       62                           160

     Is it possible that Nic Tyson, the most hated man in the history of John Travolta, could defeat someone by almost 100 points?  Yes, it is possible.  The universe aligned for coach Tyson and his team absolutely prison pounded the Firebirds, who had been coming off a two game winning streak.  Only two Firebirds players scored in double digits, neither breaking 20.  Tyson's team had 2 players score 0, but he still found a way to rattle off 160.  What the fuck Nic?  How can you be a dirty dog dump week in and week out, but then go out and demolish someone by this margin?  I thought it was impossible to hate someone more than I hate you, but guess what?  You topped yourself in the rankings.  I hate you more than now than I did last week, which I honestly thought was impossible. 
     Tyson sent this message in a bottle:

If you have found this letter, I am probably dead.  Should I still be alive and you find this letter, it means I swept the Firebirds!!  Truly the Chupacabras are the only Madison team to cheer for.  If you found this letter, but do not speak English, please take it to the nearest translator so you can be disappointed.  What can I say?  Disappointment is sort of my thing and I am not sorry. 

CYO    vs    RAINBOWS
 146                   86

     Another win for the CYO, puts their current winning streak at 4 games.  The Rainbows never had a chance in this game, the gays are a very non-violent people.  Meanwhile the CYO roster is nothing but mass murderers and fat chick rapists.  Now the Rainbows must re-group and get a win in D.C. next weekend against the clams.  As for the CYO's they hold the key to their own destiny, with a one game lead in the division and only 3 games to go.  Not much else to say about this game.  The CYO's police record was just too much for the clean and industrious homo's from Rochester.
     A few words from Coach Cozine:

Of course I am upset Travolta!!  How are you even a reporter?  Does Scientology give you the power of amazing insight?  No!  Stop coming to every game.  Stop calling my house at 2 am.  Stop coming by my house on Tuesday mornings for a sound byte.  Here is your sound byte for this week, "Pulp Fiction would have been better with Carrot Top playing Vincent".  Now get off my property you Hollywood piece of shit. 

BERRIES    vs    BLACKIES
     154                       146

Get it?  Black.......Berries.............

     This was a game that both teams needed to win, but when it came down to closing the door the Poop Patrol was able to take care of business.  The Blackies appear to be stumbling across the finish line a little bit.  With only 3 weeks left, you just can not afford to lose games, especially in this league.  Much like our game of the week, it is hard to score almost 150 points in a loss.  The only thing that the Blackies can do is knock off a convenience store and try again next week.  As for the Shit Storms, they played inspired football and they will need that ginger power to continue for the next 3 weeks.  Great game for both teams, but sadly we can only have one winner.
     The Ginger King had this to say:

I have been waiting all year for my defense to have a huge game and we finally got it.  They were probably mad that I made them eat some ginger pubes before the game.  What?  Sometimes you need to take drastic measures.  Some coaches scream and yell......I bake cookies with my pubes in it.  It's the only proven way to envelop that ginger power and hatred.  Look, if you told me that eating sheep shit would help me win games I would do it.  The Ginger pubes cookie works every time. 

CLAMS    vs    HUMPERS
    159                      173
    
     This game had so many emotions involved.  Obviously having Brian coach his first game in the stadium named after his father, was a big deal.  In retaliation, Sweeney announced that his stadium would be named after Coach Olsen's father.  Needless to say there is some bad blood between these two teams.  Not to mention that the last time these two teams played, the Clams got embarrassed at home.  The big story of this game was the scoring, a combined 332 points.  The Humperoos went bonkers, breaking the league record for points in a game (set last week by the CYO).  It is hard for me to imagine losing a game in which you score 159 points, but it is just another week for the Clams.  Having lost 4 games in a row, they do not have too much to be excited about right now.  This win puts the Humps alone in first place of the West division for the first time this season.
     Coach Sweeney jabbered on about nothing for a while:

Brandon Marshall is still a piece of shit.   Fuck Aaron Rodgers and his 38 points.  Fuck GREG JENNINGS WHAT THE FUCK AHHHHH and his 33 points.  Fuck the Steelers and their 22 point defense day.  Fuck you, by the way, Blake.  I'm taking over the blog for one day, and it's going to be all "Lou is gay" all the time.  I always end up at "anal" with you Travolta.  

     Gents, I can say without a doubt this was the most entertaining weekend you have ever had.  My hope is that this continues right into the playoffs.  This week we will continue our quest for the lamest players with the hottest wife.  Ex-NFL QB and current UFL QB Jeff Garcia is married to a lovely lady named Carmella DeCeasre.  This photo only proves that a ginger guy, with no real skills, can still land a smoking hot Spanish chick.  See you all next week!!

Wally Picks A Winner? - Week 11

article by: Lou Olsen


     Poor Wally.  He is just not good at picking the winner it turns out.  We are going to go a different route this week.  The team that he picks, is now the team that will lose the game.  So, to clarify what you are reading; The picks you see below are the opposite of who he actually picked, since he is terrible at picking the winners.  This week he went 1-3 to put his season total at 10-17-1, which has brought much shame to his family.  Remember, the teams listed as his picks are not the teams he chose but the opposite.  Let's see what we've got:

 

Wally's Picks

Dingles at the Blackies
     Wally Picks:  Who Flung Poo

 

Firebirds at the Chupas
     Wally Picks:  The Birdman of Alcatraz


Clams at the Humpers
     Wally Picks:  Clam City, USA


CYO at the Rainbows
     Wally Picks:  Double Rainbow

 

 

 

     If this little experiment works, we will call it Wally picks the loser from here on out.  Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I would also wish you good luck, but I gave it all to a stripper(I ran out of singles).  See you next week sluts. 

 

This Has Gotten Out Of Hand

article by:  John Travolta

    You have got to be fucking kidding me you guys.  This week it is safe to say that all of the underdogs won.  No one, self included, thought that the Chupacabras would beat out the Black Panthers.  How could we have predicted Michale Vick scoring 57 fantasy points for the CYO?  Then the Firebords go into Chicago and beat the Shit Kickers to pull themselves into the playoff conversation.  I mean for fucks sake, are any of your teams good?  You guys are so average you make a C look like an F+!!  It's like you guys are digitally remastering my film Old Dogs, then having it turned into Gigli. 

     The only congratulation I will be handing out this week goes to the CYO's, who are now all alone atop the East division.  Early in the season I really gave them a hard time about having a rapist and dog murder on the team, but it has paid off with major dividends.  That division is wide open right now.  The top team and bottom team are only seperated by 2 games.  It is more than likely one of the early season favorites to win the division, could be on the outside looking in.  The Clams and Turds are officially on notice, if you do not make some changes you will miss the playoffs.

     Meanwhile in the West division, the Rainbows again are on top.  They trounced the Humpers in the  friendly confines of Rochester's Homo-Erotica Stadium.  The Dark Chocolates just crumbled at the feet of the less talented Chupacabras, who have started to play like a real football team and not a powder-puff team.  This division is also very much there for the taking.  Cozine holds all tie-breakers since he has dominated the division with a 5-1 record against.  The problem Cozine faces is, the two teams directly behind him will not need a tie-breaker because of........"The Tie".  Coach Babies Daddy controls his own destiny from here on out.

     One last piece of news before we get into the weeks games.  Next week Ryan Leaf wil be doing his final interview of the season.  This is not by choice, but because we simply can not afford his salary of Vicodin anymore.  The sadest part of this announcement is that there are still 3 coaches who never had a chance for their voices to be heard.  Ryan reached out to everyone, but only a select few responded.  There has been a rumor involving Ryan taking an office job with Commissioner Kinzie after this is over.  So at least he has that to look forward too.  Ryan's final interview of the year will be posted next week at his discression.  He is a good man, with a filthy drug habit.  If you know any former athelete's who need a job send them to Olsen, we are looking for a new contributor going into the playoffs. 

On to the games:


Week 10 Re-Cap


BIRDS    vs    BERRIES
   118                    111

     I really thought this would be an easy win for the Poopy Pants.  Turns out Matt Cassel can in fact throw a football for positive yards.  Cassel really made the difference, putting up a career high 40 points against a pretty solid Shit Show defense.  If not for his QB's play Coach Wagner would have been looking down the barrell of a season ending loss.  Each week from here on out is a must win for the Firecrotches.  As for the Turd Tossers, they have to be sweating a little bit.  This was a game they needed to win because the schedule only gets tougher these last four weeks.  Another wasted opportunity for Coach Kinzie.  You have to wonder, what happens if the commissioners team does not make the playoffs?  You are probably all going to get fired...........
     We shared a joint with Coach Wagner after the game:

This is good shit, right?  Got it from Vick.  I am fuckin' hungry!!  Who has some food?  Give it to me........you got fries?  Nice.  Today was nice.  Good to get a win, but I think it might be a too litle too late type situation.  Two games back with four to go seems possible, but we have a satanic schedule coming up.  Between you, me and this reefer I don't think Cassel could score 40 again if his life depended on it.  Truth be told, I can not believe I even started the guy.  There is an anti-weed campaign in and of itself:  Don't smoke weed, or you might put Matt Cassel in.

CHUPAS   vs    BLACKIES
    144                       130

     This had to have been the shocker of the week.  Nic Tyson's band of pathetic goat sucking lizards went into Alaska and soundly defeated one of the best teams in the league.  The difference in this game was the defense.  Seriously.  If you add up all of the offensive totals, this game was a draw.  But, we do play defense in this league and om this particular day the Chupas were better than the Black Tie Affairs.  I am so disappointed in the Blackies.  Do you know how hard it is for me to write about Tyson getting a win?!?!!?  You guys are better than that!!  It does not really matter though, especially since Tyson is 3 games out with only 4 left to play.  The only prayer he has is to win out and have the Humpers, Blackies, and Rainbows all lose out.  Good luck with that Tyson, you chump bitch.
     I spoke to a drunk asian guy about the weather:

Oh yea, vedy chirry.  Rast night I had to tun the heat on fur brast.  So damn cord out here.  Hey wait a second, aen't you John Tavorta.  Oh my goodness!!  I have to terr my wife, she gonna be so jearous.  I roved you in that move about Bobby Rong, you know that movie you did?  A Rove Song Fo Bobby Rong.  My favorite.  My wife roves that one too.  You a much tarra then you rook in the movies.

HUMPERS    vs    RAINBOWS
     126                          156

      A game that we all thought would be a slug fest, turned out to be a limp dick.  It helped that the two Rainbows QB's combined for 73 points.  The Rainbows appear to be getting hot at the right time.  Cozine wants that prize money so badly that he can probably smell it over the costant smell of baby feces.  Plus the commissioner announced that this years champ will also get the very rare Ryan Leaf Starting Lineup action figure.  That is enough to make any team go on the offensive.  There was a lot of trash talking this week between the two coaches, but in my opinion the better coach won.  The Rainbows are back on top where they belong.  Like I said earlier, they can wrote their own ticket to a first round bye.  All they have to do is keep winning.

     Coach Cozine shared a few thoughts after the game:

It's remarkable that that team has managed to scrape together 5 wins this season, even with all of the firepower on the roster. Lou Olsen is truly the shittiest fantasy coach I have ever encountered.  He creates a depression in the fabric of coaching aptitude that brings the rest of us down simply by being a part of this league.  We drilled you so hard that while your team name might still be the Tree Humpers, you probably feel more like the Tree Humpees. And the trees are coniferous, asshole. That's right. Pine needles and pine cones shredding the inside of your colon all Sunday long. And as a special treat, I even threw in a special Monday night encore as that sappy bark continued to shred your sphincter into ass-spaghetti.  Get a real job you dick.

CLAMS    vs    CYO
   114                  167

     This was the game of the week for several reasons.  The most important being that this game propelled the CYO's to the top of the division.  Next has to be the play of Michael Vick.  You all know him as that black guy who murdered those dogs, but this weekend he put together the finest indivdual performance ever seen in the game.  The Clams did not stand a chance going into Monday night.  All Vick had to do was maybe throw a TD or two and the game would have been won.  What he did instead, 4 TD's throwing and 2 TD's running, is the stuff that legends are made of.  If theres is one thing to learn from this CYO team, criminals are better football players.  Tomorrow I would walk into your locker rooms and tell your guys to go out and rob a bank, or rape a bar slut, hell why not just break in to the Pentagon!!  Professional atheletes do not have to obey the rules the same way us Hollywood movie stars do.
     We spoke with Coach Sweeney's pride after the game:

Well that went alot differently than it did in my head.  Sorry fans.  Sorry players.  I feel about 6 inches tall.  We should be the ones in first place, but we blew it.  We blew it like Christina Aguillera blows strangers.  (starts to cry)  I just........really wanted to make everyone pr...pro......proud.  I'm sorry I can't do this right now.  (Storms off podium) 

     That is without a doubt the smallest after game quote I have ever seen.  Well, another week in the books.  The playoff race is starting to heat up and so are the ladies.  I decided this week to find a shitty player with a smoking hot wife for our picture.  Say hello to the wife of Oakland Raiders 3rd string QB Kyle Boller.  Not sure who he is?  Who cares, just look at how hot his wife is.  See you all next week!!

Wally Picks A Winner -Week........10?

article by: Lou Olsen

     Not sure what week we are on anymore and I am too lazy to check.  I would like to take care of a few house cleaning things.  Yesterday this Blog was viewed 88 times.  In fact over the last three days it has been viewed 195 times.  In light of the staggering amount of page views, my lawyer (Dad) informed me that I might want to put out a disclaimer:

"All characters and events on this blog --even those based on real people-- are entirely fictional. All celebrity commentary is written poorly, by me. The following Blog contains foul language and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone."

     Now that I have that out of the way, I would like to say hello to all our friends in Denmark.  Somehow the good people of Denmark are viewing the blog pretty much everyday, so I just wanted to give them some love.  Also, a quick hello to England, Australia, Canada, Germany, Egypt, Singapore, Brazil and Switzerland. 

     Now to the task at hand.  Wally went 2-2 last week, moving his season record to 9-14-1.  Not so good yet again.  The dog has certainly had a rough couple of weeks in a row now.    Let's see if he can't get back on track this week:

 

Wally's Picks

Chupas at the Blackies
     Wally Picks:  Lady Smith Black Mambazo

 

Firebirds at the Dingles
     Wally Picks:  Crap in a hat


Clams at the CYO
     Wally Picks:  Choke on a chode


Humpers at the Rainbows
     Wally Picks:  Humping the night away

 

 

Hopefully he is right about me beating Dan.  This time it is personal.  Have a great weekend everybody.  I would wish you all good luck this week, but you sluts don't need my help. 

Another Crazy Ass Week

article by: John Travolta

     This just has to stop guys.  Every single week it's some new outrageous score.  In week 9 it was a battle between the Humpers and the Blackies.  A rematch of "The Tie".  Early on it looked like we were on our way to another tie, but then on Sunday night Coach Olsen's Humpaholic's blew the doors off the place by putting up 153 points.  It didn't help the Blackies that Antonio Gates was a late scrath, plus Beanie Wells only had one carry for -2  yards.  This game was supposed to be a battle for the top of the division and it played out like a prison shower scene.  Only in this prison movie, it's the black man taking it. 

     The Dingleberries where also in a position to put themselves back on top in the East division.....which they did because the Clams decided to take the day off.  Between the Clams and Dingleberries, neither one of them has the testes to stand up and take charge of the division.  There is a first round bye at stake!!  Are you guys goofy?  Make your teams play better (especially you Sweeney).  The Dingle Dangles continue to have the least amount of points scored against them, which in this league translates to an amazing defense.  Listen Sweeney, you are not going to win in the playoffs if you are giving up more points then you are scoring.  It's basic math, like I did in that movie Good Will Hunting .........wait, that wasn't me................

     Coach Tyson, I was wrong about you.  You are not the worst coach out there.  You just have the worst players!!  For the love of Christ, you scored 130 points and still lost by an entire touchdown!!  I can not believe you are even showing up to your games each week.  Big deal, you won last week.  The guy you beat, just laid 153 points on one of the best teams in the league.  Every Titanic hits an iceberg once in a while.  Tell you what Nic, if you make the playoffs............I will NEVER.........I repeat, NEVER give you shit again.  This is a challenge for you and your crew of misfit mythological Mexican reptiles.  Prove me wrong, I dare you.

     In other news this week, our very own Lou Olsen will be contributing to http://www.reviewingthebrew.com/.  A blog which is solely dedicated to the Milwaukee Brewers franchise.  He asked me to share this brief message:

Gentlemen, I have been given an opportunity to write....professionally.  My accepting of this position will in no way affect my work on this blog.  I would like to thank all of you for giving me the confidence I needed to apply for this post.  Once a week I will be writing a humorous article for them and I would love it if you would check it out.  Brewers fan or no.  This is where I got my start, so this will continue to be my #1 writing priority.   

One final story, there are rumors of a large trade between the Dingley Doo's and the McHump.  Our Ryan Leaf has learned that the trade would consist of Vernon Davis and Marshawn Lynch going to the Humpers.  In return the Doo Doo Butter's would receive Mike Williams and Knowshon Moreno.  The word is, this deal could be finalized by late tonight.  This deal seems to be good for both teams, giving the Crap Hat's 2 much needed pieces for a playoff run and the Pelvic Thrusters get a solid TE to fill out that receiving core. 

Let's break down the games:

Week 9 Re-Cap

Firebirds    vs    CYO
    95                    111

     The Firebirds put up a fight, but in the end they found themselves flying fullspeed into my living room window last week (that bird died).  My hat goes off to the CYO's.  They have very quietly put themselves right in the mix to win the East division.  I have never really given them much credit, but i would like to change that.  This is a team that could do some damage if they can stay strong, but their schedule is daunting down the stretch.  Next three games: Clams, Rainbows, and Blackies.  All division leaders as of today.  Never underestimate the power of having a dog murderer and a fat girl rapist leading your team. 
     After the game, I found this tape recording outside the locker room:

     We are all very happy about the win today.  Sadly, the guys have a new ritual which involves the sacrifice of live chickens in the locker room after a win.  The first time was a complete accident, but we keep winning so now the guys won't stop.  It is really disgusting, so this will have to count as my press conference for now.  If you feel like waiting for the feasting to be over, then I will come out.  That could be tomorrow though, so it is sort of at your own risk.

Dingles    vs    Clams
   112                   77


     After some vicious trash talking earlier in the week, Sweeney sort of decided to get whiskey dick out there.  Very rarely do you see a performance of this magnitude, on this type of stage.  Two teams battling for first place, but in the end Poop will always prevail over delicious seafood.  This loss could not have come at a worse time, especially considering the looming trade which should strengthen the Stinky Stickers considerably.  If I am coach Sweeney, my ass is trying to make a late trade to make my team better going down the wire.  But, fuck it you will probably do what ever you want.  Don't take my advice and you'll end up like Olivia Newton John.  Ask her.  She'll know what you are talking about.
     A ginger spoke to me after the game:

     Listen, Mr. Travolta I am not commissioner Kinzie.  I know you think that I am, but trust me when I tell you that I am way better looking than that guy.  Look, you are making me really uncomfortable.  What, do we all look alike to you?  You got a lot of nerve Vinnie Barbarino.  Yeah, well all italians look alike TO ME!!  I am going to come over there and beat you to Pulp Fiction bitch................GO DINGLEBERRIES!!!!!

Listen Chuck, I think you might have some sort of memory problem.  We are friends right?  I mean you were hitting me really hard........and was the spitting necessary...........what about the puns?  What has gotten into you.  You ginger's are so aggressive. 


Chupas    vs    Rainbows
   130                    137

     So close, yet so far.  The Rainbows are holding on by some sun bleached asshole hairs at this point in the season.  A win is a win, but this was way too close for comfort.  It was great to see the baby out on the field doing kickoffs.  She has some raw talent, but her accuracy is sort of iffy for a 7 day old.  Star of this game was the Packers defense, putting on a clinic on Sunday night.  Sexiest defensive performance this week, hands down.  Rainbows broke out some new uniforms this week and maybe they are a lucky charm.  Although these are the gayest things I have vere seen, I kind of like 'em.

     I talked to Julia Louis Cozine after the game:

(slight gurggling noise)

Blackies    vs    Humpers
    107                     153

     This is the game of the week because I think these are the two strongest team in the league.  That is an un-bias opinion, for the record.  These two teams are the most dangerous out there.  Who knew that "the tie" teams would turn out to be this strong.  This game was just sloppy.  Blackies had some tough breaks, but they just ran out of meth.  Humper RB's Michale Turner and Arian Foster are just making Olsen look like a good coach.  The truth is if these two guys where on any team, it would be the same story.  I have never really been sold on the Humpers.  I still believe the Blackies are a better team pound for pound.  Even after this Black Plague.
     After the game I got a few words from Coach Olsen:

     Wow, that was alot easier than I thought it would be.  Helps that everyone felt like scoring 20 points or so, including the defense.  I might give the guys a few days off, or I might make them come over and watch some Bette Midler movies.  Either way they are getting some sort of reward for today.  This game was very important because it gives us the tie breaker against the Black Guys.  Hats off to Craig and his team.  I doubt this is the last time we will see them this year. 

     Fellas, I would love it if one of you could maybe come up with something for Leaf to do.  He ran out of willing interview participants and he won't shut up about it.  The guy needs to do something, so please, for me?  Ok, back to Jenn Sterger.  She is starting to seem a little less innocent now, so next week I might have to surprise everybody.  P.S: That is totally her nipple, enjoy!!  See you all next week.

    
    

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

This Week:  Dan Cozine
                   Head Coach
                   Rochester Rainbows

     Man it is good to be back.  Thanks to a certain Nic Tyson, who shall remain nameless, I got two weeks off.  Luckily for me Coach Dan Cozine was available after the birth of his daughter on Sunday.  I can not imagine how difficult it must be to make time in your schedule after having a baby, but this man was able to do it.  He told me before the interview that he has been waiting for his interview for weeks now.  Well Dan, your wait is over.

R.L:  Dan, how has having a baby changed your life?

D.C:  Well I don't eat or sleep.  The poop is the most awful thing I have ever experienced.  Now all of a sudden our dog is super needy.  Even with all that, it is the hardest job I have ever loved.  It is really great actually.

R.L:  What is your babies name?

D.C:  Julia Louise

R.L:  What is your dog's name?

D.C:  Cosmo

R.L:  If you have a son next, will his name be Jerry Seinfeld Cozine or George Costanza Cozine?

D.C:  Neither, it will be Rutherford.  We want him to be named after the greatest American president Rutherford B. Hayes.

R.L:  Have you developed any nicknames for your daughter?

D.C:  Well, while she was in the womb we called her Ladybird.  We thought we should stick with the presidential theme and since we knew she was a girl we called her Ladybird Johnson.  Now that she is out of the womb we call her J-Lou.  Kind of went from president to Latina celebrity on that one.

R.L:  Terrific.  I'd like to switch gears if I could and ask you about Brett Favre.  Why have you decided to stick by Brett through this whole penis scandal?

D.C:  First of all, he has been benched since the news broke.  So he is not really having much of an impact in that regard.  Deep down though, I remember the good times.  1996 and 1997 Super Bowls, and handfuls of division titles.  It's hard.  Fortunately no evidence has really come forward, so there is really no story.  Why is she so afraid to talk to anyone about it?  She is only making him look more innocent.

R.L:  Would you tattle on Favre if he sent you pictures of tackling dummy?

D.C:  You know Ryan, society embraces tattling for media gain.  So, yes I would probably hop on the wagon.

R.L:  How are you going to dig you team out of this funk?  Have you considered mandatory nude leap frog?

D.C:  The biggest issue is that my team is not connecting with their coach.  I have been encouraging them to go out and get a woman pregnant.  This way we can relate more, on a personal level.  They have no idea what I am going through right now and that is a problem we are trying to remedy. 

R.L:  How do you think Chuck has done in his first year as commissioner?

D.C:  You know, I really appreciated the ball clamping over league dues.  Certain things call for that ginger touch and this was one of those things.  I am actually glad that he is the commissioner and look forward to many more seasons under his rule.

R.L:  Who do you think is the worst coach in the league?

D.C:  Well, Blake Derr left players on his roster during a bye week.  That to me is a pretty horrible coaching job.  He never even gave his team a chance, pathetic. 

R.L:  Why do you think Nic Tyson hates me?

D.C:  I think he sees alot of himself in you.  The cheating, backstabbing, that all around jerk of a human complex he has.  It must be like looking in a mirror and that scares him.

R.L:  Follow-up, why do you think Travolta hates Nic?

D.C:  Tiny penis

R.L:  Ah, I had not thought of that.  Travolta hates tiny wieners.  Speaking of wieners, how has the Rochester community adjusted to having a pro-gay team right in it's backyard?

D.C:  The city itself is actually quite liberal and accepting.  It's the outlying towns that are the problem.  Homophobia runs rampant in Olmstead county and it's surrounding farm communities.  But overall it has been a pretty good relationship I think.

R.L:  Who is your favorite gay celebrity?

D.C:  Nathan Lane has been for a really long time, but lately that kid from GLEE is moving up pretty quickly on my list.

R.L:  Dan, this is the last question before the questionnaire.  If I told you that someone in our league, paid their league dues with a Ryan Leaf Starting Lineup action figure, how would you react?

D.C:  Is this hypothetical?

R.L:  Purely hypothetical.

D.C:  I would cash in my season and bench all my players.  Who the hell would want, no offense, your action figure.

R.L:  Now that my feelings are hurt, it's time for our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

D.C:  Poop

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

D.C:  Meconium

R.L:  What turns you on?

D.C:  Buffalo Wings

R.L:  What turns you off?

D.C:  Tofu

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

D.C:  Bollocks

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

D.C:  The sound of kittens dying

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

D.C:  The sound of a drowning whale

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

D.C:  I would like to be independently wealthy

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

D.C:  Whatever Tyson does for work

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

D.C:  You're late

R.L:  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

D.C:  A naked mole rat

R.L:  Well Dan, that is all for you.  Is there anything you would like to add?

D.C:  Yes Ryan, if I miss the playoffs because of a tie...........I will be coming to each of your houses one-by-one and I will be murdering you while you sleep.  Sort of like a road trip, but for murdering all of you. 

     The timing of our interview was perfect.  As Dan made his final statement there was a baby fecal emergency.  What did we learn about Coach Cozine?  He loves the gay people, his football team, and his family.  Dan is a patriot, so much so that he is willing to name his child after one of the most bizarre looking presidents in our history.  We can only assume that he loves the show Seinfeld, the evidence is certainly on our side.  What I am getting at, Dan is just an ordinary everyman trying to get his team to the promised land.  They have changed their name, but the mentality of this team has not changed.  Once a Jizz Bolt always a Jizz Bolt. 

     Not sure if I will be back next week.  Some of the coaches in our league are too good to be interviewed.  Nic Tyson has been banned from WWS Weekly, so no interview there.  There are still two of you left, please do not let me go back to being unemployed. 

Until we meet again, Leaf out! 

Wally Picks A Winner - Week 9

article by:  Lou Olsen


     Wally really laid a steamer last week, with a horrific 0-4 record.  That puts his season record at 7-12-1.  So much for my dog replacing that octopus who could pick soccer matches.  On an unrelated topic, this week Ryan Leaf is back.  He will be interviewing brand new daddy and coach of the Rainbows, Dan Cozine.  This week, I tried using different treats each round of picks to try and throw him off of going to the same name card every time.  It worked in the way I wanted, but now we will have to see if it gets results.

Wally loves football!!

Wally's Picks

Blackies at the Humpers
     Wally Picks:  Wesley Snipes

Firebirds at the CYO
     Wally Picks:  The Bird is the Word


Dingles at the Clams
     Wally Picks:  Poo-gie Howser M.D


Chupas at the Rainbows
     Wally Picks:  Rainbow Bright

 

 

 

 

     You can believe the dog if you want to, but I wouldn't.  Just something for fun, over the last few days the blog has received several views from over-seas.  6 views in Singapore, 3 views in Denmark, 2 views in Russia, 1 view in Australia, and 1 view from Bangladesh.  Apparently there is a search engine directing traffic to the site.  These are real numbers, shockingly they are real countries too.  In closing, I would wish you all good luck this week but the San Francisco Giants used up all the luck in the world.  Better luck next time losers. 

Halloween Full of Tricks, Plus a Treat or Two

article by:  John Travolta

     Wow!  What a weekend everybody.  First I need to start with the biggest news on Sunday, Coach Dan Cozine and his wife Lizzy brought their daughter into the world.  Her name is Julia Louise Dreyfous Cozine, both mom and baby are healthy and happy.  I know I speak for everyone here at WWS Weekly when I say, I can't believe you procreated and it worked.  You were the first of the ITBK's to get married and now you are the first to actually have a baby to kill.  The good news for you was that you could be distracted from your team getting black man-handled.  The news of Julia's birth was first broken by Dan's mother to fellow Coach Lou Olsen in a facebook message(true story).

     Now, as for the football...........you guys need to figure out who is good and who is not good.  The lack of dominance by any one team is just bizarre.  Here is the Cliff's Notes; we had a 1 point game, a team almost come back from a 40 point deficit, a win for both of the teams from Madison, and a black on gay beat down.  Add a baby to that and you have yourself a Halloween Football shit stew.  Like if Battlefield Earth and Urban Cowboy had a baby, then that baby got it on with Lady Gaga.  That baby would be a fair representation of this weekend's games.  Just one big cluster-fuck.

     Let's talk about Madison, in a good way for a change.  Both the Firebirds and the Chupacabras went out and beat two 1st place teams.  Naturally the two "zombie" teams in the league capitalized on a holiday dedicated to creepy dead things.  The Chupacabra's went into last night's game with a 40 point lead, then slowly watched it dwindle down to a narrow 5 point victory.  You know what they say Olsen, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.  In D.C., Firebirds QB David Garrard scored 38 points en route to a victory over the Clamskies at Tractor Trailer Stadium.  My heart wants me to tell you that this was just a fluke and that these two teams are still bottom feeders.  The reality, in this league if they catch a little fire they could be right back in it.  The problem with having no teams dominating in the standings is that everyone is a playoff contender.  Watch out for the boys from Mad-town from here on in.

     There is no surprise that the game of the week was happening in Chicago.  I spent a few minutes talking to Coach Craig this morning, and he really said it best,

The game between Chuck and Blake was awesome this week. I'll admit, it's the first time I've ever "watched" a fantasy football game. Coming down to
the Monday night game, 3 active players, Schaub with -1 at the half, one
amazing Indy receiver per side...Congratulations to Coach Derr.

I could not agree more.  This was one pass play away from being "The Tie 2: Quest for Neutrality".  An amazing game, that really got my juices flowing..........straight football juices.......not those gay John Travolta juices.  If you missed this game, you should punch yourself clean in the nuts.  Unless of course you had a kid 2 days ago, then you get a free pass.  Let's take a look at this weeks games:


WEEK 8 RE-CAP

FIREBIRDS    vs    CLAMS
       128                         119

     This was a close game, but there is no questions that David Garrard and Matt Stafford won this game by themselves.  The two QB's combined for 70 points, while the remaining 8 players on the team had 58.  How can you look at this any other way?  In our league, the average quarterback scores right around 17 points per game.  If the Firebird QB's would have played to average, this game would have been a blow out.  Instead, they both decided to double the average and in doing so defeated the East division leading Clama Jamas.  The Clams really lucked out in the standings, because rather than falling into a tie with the Crap Slinging Slashers, he remains 1 game ahead of the Poop's and the CYO's.
     I was all jacked up on Mountain Dew as I got to talk with Coach Wagner after the game:

They are better than we are.  There is no doubt in my mind about that.  On this particular Sunday we were able to draw power from beyond the grave.  (Do you mean ghosts?)  Ghosts?!?!?!  Shit, are you goofy.  I'm talking about crack cocaine son.  Mix that shit up in a cauldron with some cinnamon and baking soda, then you know what you got?  Unstoppable QB juice.  Next week I will probably need to make a bigger batch, but they put a cap on my crack purchases down at Ol' Tony's crack house.  Might need to have some of the guys use there star power so we can make more unstoppable juice next week.

RAINBOWS    VS    BLACKIES
       104                            127

     The Black Snake Moans continue to prove that they are the best team in the league.  This win puts them alone atop the West division.  Next week they will low-ride into Clark Sweeney Memorial for a rematch of "The Tie".  Normally I would blast the Rainbows for another loss, but the coach was distracted by having a child.  I will however, comment on the fact that Brett Favre remains on this roster.  You need to get that Kodak weenie off your team, because let's face it The Village People have been 1-4 since.  Now I am not saying the shaft is entirely to blame, but it is the slightest bit ironic.  Congrats to the Black Hammers for another great win.

     When reached for statement Coach Craig was very excited:

Dan had the baby?  Alright!!  Way to go big guy.  It couldn't have happened to a better homo.  (What about the game?)  Who cares about the game Travolta?!?!?!  My gay pal Dan just had a baby.  Sometimes you have to realize that there are more important things than football.  The hierarchy goes; Beer, Broads, Bitches, Babies, and Ball.  If you live your life in that order of importance, you can not go wrong.  The Rainbows may have lost on the football field, but they won life today. 

CHUPAS    VS    HUMPERS
    127                        125

     It is very difficult for me to say positive things about the Chupacabras.  Their coach refuses to speak with Ryan Leaf, they have been the worst team in the league all season, and I just flat out don't like Chupacabras.  I am a goat lover you see.  Now that I have that in the open, they played a good game.  The whole team played very solid, no one blew the doors of the place but they all did their jobs.  It got a little scary as that 40 point lead started to dwindle away last night, but what else could we have expected on Halloween.  We should have all realized that a Chupacabra would draw alot of strength from this sacred holiday.  Let's hope that every week does not turn into Halloween, because I would never live it down.
     Some one spoke to Coach Tyson after the game, but it sure as hell wasn't anyone at this publication:

It is the first time that I have been proud of this team.  This is a rag tag group and to be honest with you, I was fairly certain we would still lose even with that 40 point lead.  That is a really good team over there, but today we had more Halloween spirit.  Chupa the mascot was really getting into the spirit, I never in a million years would have thought I would watch him eat that entire goat at halftime.  I know the fans in Madison are pretty excited about it, but we are still 3.5 games back so we have a lot of work to do for next week.  Ryan Leaf is a bitch.    

CYO    VS    DINGLES
  81                      80

     What a pathetically low scoring game, but how exciting was it?  It was back and forth all night long and we still were not sure who would win until the clock struck 0's.  To think that we were only one pass play away from having another tie, or a completely different game outcome.  This game was really important in the standings as well, putting the CYO's into a tie for second with the Turd Ticklers.  This game is without a doubt the antithesis of this league.  Form one week to another it is impossible to have any idea who will win and how they will do it.  The Poo Poo Platters continue to be very (no pun intended) shitty at home, posting a 1-3 record in Chicago.  Hat's off to the CYO team for holding on to that lead like (no pun intended) a man choking his girlfriend after a long night of drinking with his friends.
     We spoke to someone after the game:

What is this for?(WWS Weekly, I'm John Travolta)  I know who you are, I saw you in that movie about Samuel L. Jackson.  I don't know anything about wrestling though, sorry.  (No, it's not wrestling, it's fantasy football.)  Who the fuck would want to read about that?  Look Mr. Travolta you paid me for an hour, so are we gonna get it on or do you just want to ask me goofy ass questions all night? 

     Well, another week down.  I can not wait to see what next week holds for us.  Generally, you would have a picture of Ines or Jenn below.  Since it is Halloween, I wanted to chose something relatively disturbing yet still smoking hot.  If you don't like it, no worries because the usual gals will be back next week.  Have a safe week everyone.  Until next time, I'm John Travolta and you're not. 

She can murder me, any time.