Another Crazy Ass Week

article by: John Travolta

     This just has to stop guys.  Every single week it's some new outrageous score.  In week 9 it was a battle between the Humpers and the Blackies.  A rematch of "The Tie".  Early on it looked like we were on our way to another tie, but then on Sunday night Coach Olsen's Humpaholic's blew the doors off the place by putting up 153 points.  It didn't help the Blackies that Antonio Gates was a late scrath, plus Beanie Wells only had one carry for -2  yards.  This game was supposed to be a battle for the top of the division and it played out like a prison shower scene.  Only in this prison movie, it's the black man taking it. 

     The Dingleberries where also in a position to put themselves back on top in the East division.....which they did because the Clams decided to take the day off.  Between the Clams and Dingleberries, neither one of them has the testes to stand up and take charge of the division.  There is a first round bye at stake!!  Are you guys goofy?  Make your teams play better (especially you Sweeney).  The Dingle Dangles continue to have the least amount of points scored against them, which in this league translates to an amazing defense.  Listen Sweeney, you are not going to win in the playoffs if you are giving up more points then you are scoring.  It's basic math, like I did in that movie Good Will Hunting .........wait, that wasn't me................

     Coach Tyson, I was wrong about you.  You are not the worst coach out there.  You just have the worst players!!  For the love of Christ, you scored 130 points and still lost by an entire touchdown!!  I can not believe you are even showing up to your games each week.  Big deal, you won last week.  The guy you beat, just laid 153 points on one of the best teams in the league.  Every Titanic hits an iceberg once in a while.  Tell you what Nic, if you make the playoffs............I will NEVER.........I repeat, NEVER give you shit again.  This is a challenge for you and your crew of misfit mythological Mexican reptiles.  Prove me wrong, I dare you.

     In other news this week, our very own Lou Olsen will be contributing to http://www.reviewingthebrew.com/.  A blog which is solely dedicated to the Milwaukee Brewers franchise.  He asked me to share this brief message:

Gentlemen, I have been given an opportunity to write....professionally.  My accepting of this position will in no way affect my work on this blog.  I would like to thank all of you for giving me the confidence I needed to apply for this post.  Once a week I will be writing a humorous article for them and I would love it if you would check it out.  Brewers fan or no.  This is where I got my start, so this will continue to be my #1 writing priority.   

One final story, there are rumors of a large trade between the Dingley Doo's and the McHump.  Our Ryan Leaf has learned that the trade would consist of Vernon Davis and Marshawn Lynch going to the Humpers.  In return the Doo Doo Butter's would receive Mike Williams and Knowshon Moreno.  The word is, this deal could be finalized by late tonight.  This deal seems to be good for both teams, giving the Crap Hat's 2 much needed pieces for a playoff run and the Pelvic Thrusters get a solid TE to fill out that receiving core. 

Let's break down the games:

Week 9 Re-Cap

Firebirds    vs    CYO
    95                    111

     The Firebirds put up a fight, but in the end they found themselves flying fullspeed into my living room window last week (that bird died).  My hat goes off to the CYO's.  They have very quietly put themselves right in the mix to win the East division.  I have never really given them much credit, but i would like to change that.  This is a team that could do some damage if they can stay strong, but their schedule is daunting down the stretch.  Next three games: Clams, Rainbows, and Blackies.  All division leaders as of today.  Never underestimate the power of having a dog murderer and a fat girl rapist leading your team. 
     After the game, I found this tape recording outside the locker room:

     We are all very happy about the win today.  Sadly, the guys have a new ritual which involves the sacrifice of live chickens in the locker room after a win.  The first time was a complete accident, but we keep winning so now the guys won't stop.  It is really disgusting, so this will have to count as my press conference for now.  If you feel like waiting for the feasting to be over, then I will come out.  That could be tomorrow though, so it is sort of at your own risk.

Dingles    vs    Clams
   112                   77


     After some vicious trash talking earlier in the week, Sweeney sort of decided to get whiskey dick out there.  Very rarely do you see a performance of this magnitude, on this type of stage.  Two teams battling for first place, but in the end Poop will always prevail over delicious seafood.  This loss could not have come at a worse time, especially considering the looming trade which should strengthen the Stinky Stickers considerably.  If I am coach Sweeney, my ass is trying to make a late trade to make my team better going down the wire.  But, fuck it you will probably do what ever you want.  Don't take my advice and you'll end up like Olivia Newton John.  Ask her.  She'll know what you are talking about.
     A ginger spoke to me after the game:

     Listen, Mr. Travolta I am not commissioner Kinzie.  I know you think that I am, but trust me when I tell you that I am way better looking than that guy.  Look, you are making me really uncomfortable.  What, do we all look alike to you?  You got a lot of nerve Vinnie Barbarino.  Yeah, well all italians look alike TO ME!!  I am going to come over there and beat you to Pulp Fiction bitch................GO DINGLEBERRIES!!!!!

Listen Chuck, I think you might have some sort of memory problem.  We are friends right?  I mean you were hitting me really hard........and was the spitting necessary...........what about the puns?  What has gotten into you.  You ginger's are so aggressive. 


Chupas    vs    Rainbows
   130                    137

     So close, yet so far.  The Rainbows are holding on by some sun bleached asshole hairs at this point in the season.  A win is a win, but this was way too close for comfort.  It was great to see the baby out on the field doing kickoffs.  She has some raw talent, but her accuracy is sort of iffy for a 7 day old.  Star of this game was the Packers defense, putting on a clinic on Sunday night.  Sexiest defensive performance this week, hands down.  Rainbows broke out some new uniforms this week and maybe they are a lucky charm.  Although these are the gayest things I have vere seen, I kind of like 'em.

     I talked to Julia Louis Cozine after the game:

(slight gurggling noise)

Blackies    vs    Humpers
    107                     153

     This is the game of the week because I think these are the two strongest team in the league.  That is an un-bias opinion, for the record.  These two teams are the most dangerous out there.  Who knew that "the tie" teams would turn out to be this strong.  This game was just sloppy.  Blackies had some tough breaks, but they just ran out of meth.  Humper RB's Michale Turner and Arian Foster are just making Olsen look like a good coach.  The truth is if these two guys where on any team, it would be the same story.  I have never really been sold on the Humpers.  I still believe the Blackies are a better team pound for pound.  Even after this Black Plague.
     After the game I got a few words from Coach Olsen:

     Wow, that was alot easier than I thought it would be.  Helps that everyone felt like scoring 20 points or so, including the defense.  I might give the guys a few days off, or I might make them come over and watch some Bette Midler movies.  Either way they are getting some sort of reward for today.  This game was very important because it gives us the tie breaker against the Black Guys.  Hats off to Craig and his team.  I doubt this is the last time we will see them this year. 

     Fellas, I would love it if one of you could maybe come up with something for Leaf to do.  He ran out of willing interview participants and he won't shut up about it.  The guy needs to do something, so please, for me?  Ok, back to Jenn Sterger.  She is starting to seem a little less innocent now, so next week I might have to surprise everybody.  P.S: That is totally her nipple, enjoy!!  See you all next week.