You have got to be fucking kidding me you guys. This week it is safe to say that all of the underdogs won. No one, self included, thought that the Chupacabras would beat out the Black Panthers. How could we have predicted Michale Vick scoring 57 fantasy points for the CYO? Then the Firebords go into Chicago and beat the Shit Kickers to pull themselves into the playoff conversation. I mean for fucks sake, are any of your teams good? You guys are so average you make a C look like an F+!! It's like you guys are digitally remastering my film Old Dogs, then having it turned into Gigli. The only congratulation I will be handing out this week goes to the CYO's, who are now all alone atop the East division. Early in the season I really gave them a hard time about having a rapist and dog murder on the team, but it has paid off with major dividends. That division is wide open right now. The top team and bottom team are only seperated by 2 games. It is more than likely one of the early season favorites to win the division, could be on the outside looking in. The Clams and Turds are officially on notice, if you do not make some changes you will miss the playoffs.
Meanwhile in the West division, the Rainbows again are on top. They trounced the Humpers in the friendly confines of Rochester's Homo-Erotica Stadium. The Dark Chocolates just crumbled at the feet of the less talented Chupacabras, who have started to play like a real football team and not a powder-puff team. This division is also very much there for the taking. Cozine holds all tie-breakers since he has dominated the division with a 5-1 record against. The problem Cozine faces is, the two teams directly behind him will not need a tie-breaker because of........"The Tie". Coach Babies Daddy controls his own destiny from here on out.
One last piece of news before we get into the weeks games. Next week Ryan Leaf wil be doing his final interview of the season. This is not by choice, but because we simply can not afford his salary of Vicodin anymore. The sadest part of this announcement is that there are still 3 coaches who never had a chance for their voices to be heard. Ryan reached out to everyone, but only a select few responded. There has been a rumor involving Ryan taking an office job with Commissioner Kinzie after this is over. So at least he has that to look forward too. Ryan's final interview of the year will be posted next week at his discression. He is a good man, with a filthy drug habit. If you know any former athelete's who need a job send them to Olsen, we are looking for a new contributor going into the playoffs.
On to the games:
Week 10 Re-Cap
BIRDS vs BERRIES
118 111
I really thought this would be an easy win for the Poopy Pants. Turns out Matt Cassel can in fact throw a football for positive yards. Cassel really made the difference, putting up a career high 40 points against a pretty solid Shit Show defense. If not for his QB's play Coach Wagner would have been looking down the barrell of a season ending loss. Each week from here on out is a must win for the Firecrotches. As for the Turd Tossers, they have to be sweating a little bit. This was a game they needed to win because the schedule only gets tougher these last four weeks. Another wasted opportunity for Coach Kinzie. You have to wonder, what happens if the commissioners team does not make the playoffs? You are probably all going to get fired...........
We shared a joint with Coach Wagner after the game:
This is good shit, right? Got it from Vick. I am fuckin' hungry!! Who has some food? Give it to me........you got fries? Nice. Today was nice. Good to get a win, but I think it might be a too litle too late type situation. Two games back with four to go seems possible, but we have a satanic schedule coming up. Between you, me and this reefer I don't think Cassel could score 40 again if his life depended on it. Truth be told, I can not believe I even started the guy. There is an anti-weed campaign in and of itself: Don't smoke weed, or you might put Matt Cassel in.
CHUPAS vs BLACKIES
144 130
This had to have been the shocker of the week. Nic Tyson's band of pathetic goat sucking lizards went into Alaska and soundly defeated one of the best teams in the league. The difference in this game was the defense. Seriously. If you add up all of the offensive totals, this game was a draw. But, we do play defense in this league and om this particular day the Chupas were better than the Black Tie Affairs. I am so disappointed in the Blackies. Do you know how hard it is for me to write about Tyson getting a win?!?!!? You guys are better than that!! It does not really matter though, especially since Tyson is 3 games out with only 4 left to play. The only prayer he has is to win out and have the Humpers, Blackies, and Rainbows all lose out. Good luck with that Tyson, you chump bitch.
I spoke to a drunk asian guy about the weather:
Oh yea, vedy chirry. Rast night I had to tun the heat on fur brast. So damn cord out here. Hey wait a second, aen't you John Tavorta. Oh my goodness!! I have to terr my wife, she gonna be so jearous. I roved you in that move about Bobby Rong, you know that movie you did? A Rove Song Fo Bobby Rong. My favorite. My wife roves that one too. You a much tarra then you rook in the movies.
HUMPERS vs RAINBOWS
126 156
A game that we all thought would be a slug fest, turned out to be a limp dick. It helped that the two Rainbows QB's combined for 73 points. The Rainbows appear to be getting hot at the right time. Cozine wants that prize money so badly that he can probably smell it over the costant smell of baby feces. Plus the commissioner announced that this years champ will also get the very rare Ryan Leaf Starting Lineup action figure. That is enough to make any team go on the offensive. There was a lot of trash talking this week between the two coaches, but in my opinion the better coach won. The Rainbows are back on top where they belong. Like I said earlier, they can wrote their own ticket to a first round bye. All they have to do is keep winning. Coach Cozine shared a few thoughts after the game:
It's remarkable that that team has managed to scrape together 5 wins this season, even with all of the firepower on the roster. Lou Olsen is truly the shittiest fantasy coach I have ever encountered. He creates a depression in the fabric of coaching aptitude that brings the rest of us down simply by being a part of this league. We drilled you so hard that while your team name might still be the Tree Humpers, you probably feel more like the Tree Humpees. And the trees are coniferous, asshole. That's right. Pine needles and pine cones shredding the inside of your colon all Sunday long. And as a special treat, I even threw in a special Monday night encore as that sappy bark continued to shred your sphincter into ass-spaghetti. Get a real job you dick.
CLAMS vs CYO
114 167
This was the game of the week for several reasons. The most important being that this game propelled the CYO's to the top of the division. Next has to be the play of Michael Vick. You all know him as that black guy who murdered those dogs, but this weekend he put together the finest indivdual performance ever seen in the game. The Clams did not stand a chance going into Monday night. All Vick had to do was maybe throw a TD or two and the game would have been won. What he did instead, 4 TD's throwing and 2 TD's running, is the stuff that legends are made of. If theres is one thing to learn from this CYO team, criminals are better football players. Tomorrow I would walk into your locker rooms and tell your guys to go out and rob a bank, or rape a bar slut, hell why not just break in to the Pentagon!! Professional atheletes do not have to obey the rules the same way us Hollywood movie stars do.
We spoke with Coach Sweeney's pride after the game:
Well that went alot differently than it did in my head. Sorry fans. Sorry players. I feel about 6 inches tall. We should be the ones in first place, but we blew it. We blew it like Christina Aguillera blows strangers. (starts to cry) I just........really wanted to make everyone pr...pro......proud. I'm sorry I can't do this right now. (Storms off podium)
That is without a doubt the smallest after game quote I have ever seen. Well, another week in the books. The playoff race is starting to heat up and so are the ladies. I decided this week to find a shitty player with a smoking hot wife for our picture. Say hello to the wife of Oakland Raiders 3rd string QB Kyle Boller. Not sure who he is? Who cares, just look at how hot his wife is. See you all next week!!
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