THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

This Week:  Dan Cozine
                   Head Coach
                   Rochester Rainbows

     Man it is good to be back.  Thanks to a certain Nic Tyson, who shall remain nameless, I got two weeks off.  Luckily for me Coach Dan Cozine was available after the birth of his daughter on Sunday.  I can not imagine how difficult it must be to make time in your schedule after having a baby, but this man was able to do it.  He told me before the interview that he has been waiting for his interview for weeks now.  Well Dan, your wait is over.

R.L:  Dan, how has having a baby changed your life?

D.C:  Well I don't eat or sleep.  The poop is the most awful thing I have ever experienced.  Now all of a sudden our dog is super needy.  Even with all that, it is the hardest job I have ever loved.  It is really great actually.

R.L:  What is your babies name?

D.C:  Julia Louise

R.L:  What is your dog's name?

D.C:  Cosmo

R.L:  If you have a son next, will his name be Jerry Seinfeld Cozine or George Costanza Cozine?

D.C:  Neither, it will be Rutherford.  We want him to be named after the greatest American president Rutherford B. Hayes.

R.L:  Have you developed any nicknames for your daughter?

D.C:  Well, while she was in the womb we called her Ladybird.  We thought we should stick with the presidential theme and since we knew she was a girl we called her Ladybird Johnson.  Now that she is out of the womb we call her J-Lou.  Kind of went from president to Latina celebrity on that one.

R.L:  Terrific.  I'd like to switch gears if I could and ask you about Brett Favre.  Why have you decided to stick by Brett through this whole penis scandal?

D.C:  First of all, he has been benched since the news broke.  So he is not really having much of an impact in that regard.  Deep down though, I remember the good times.  1996 and 1997 Super Bowls, and handfuls of division titles.  It's hard.  Fortunately no evidence has really come forward, so there is really no story.  Why is she so afraid to talk to anyone about it?  She is only making him look more innocent.

R.L:  Would you tattle on Favre if he sent you pictures of tackling dummy?

D.C:  You know Ryan, society embraces tattling for media gain.  So, yes I would probably hop on the wagon.

R.L:  How are you going to dig you team out of this funk?  Have you considered mandatory nude leap frog?

D.C:  The biggest issue is that my team is not connecting with their coach.  I have been encouraging them to go out and get a woman pregnant.  This way we can relate more, on a personal level.  They have no idea what I am going through right now and that is a problem we are trying to remedy. 

R.L:  How do you think Chuck has done in his first year as commissioner?

D.C:  You know, I really appreciated the ball clamping over league dues.  Certain things call for that ginger touch and this was one of those things.  I am actually glad that he is the commissioner and look forward to many more seasons under his rule.

R.L:  Who do you think is the worst coach in the league?

D.C:  Well, Blake Derr left players on his roster during a bye week.  That to me is a pretty horrible coaching job.  He never even gave his team a chance, pathetic. 

R.L:  Why do you think Nic Tyson hates me?

D.C:  I think he sees alot of himself in you.  The cheating, backstabbing, that all around jerk of a human complex he has.  It must be like looking in a mirror and that scares him.

R.L:  Follow-up, why do you think Travolta hates Nic?

D.C:  Tiny penis

R.L:  Ah, I had not thought of that.  Travolta hates tiny wieners.  Speaking of wieners, how has the Rochester community adjusted to having a pro-gay team right in it's backyard?

D.C:  The city itself is actually quite liberal and accepting.  It's the outlying towns that are the problem.  Homophobia runs rampant in Olmstead county and it's surrounding farm communities.  But overall it has been a pretty good relationship I think.

R.L:  Who is your favorite gay celebrity?

D.C:  Nathan Lane has been for a really long time, but lately that kid from GLEE is moving up pretty quickly on my list.

R.L:  Dan, this is the last question before the questionnaire.  If I told you that someone in our league, paid their league dues with a Ryan Leaf Starting Lineup action figure, how would you react?

D.C:  Is this hypothetical?

R.L:  Purely hypothetical.

D.C:  I would cash in my season and bench all my players.  Who the hell would want, no offense, your action figure.

R.L:  Now that my feelings are hurt, it's time for our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

D.C:  Poop

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

D.C:  Meconium

R.L:  What turns you on?

D.C:  Buffalo Wings

R.L:  What turns you off?

D.C:  Tofu

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

D.C:  Bollocks

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

D.C:  The sound of kittens dying

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

D.C:  The sound of a drowning whale

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

D.C:  I would like to be independently wealthy

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

D.C:  Whatever Tyson does for work

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

D.C:  You're late

R.L:  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

D.C:  A naked mole rat

R.L:  Well Dan, that is all for you.  Is there anything you would like to add?

D.C:  Yes Ryan, if I miss the playoffs because of a tie...........I will be coming to each of your houses one-by-one and I will be murdering you while you sleep.  Sort of like a road trip, but for murdering all of you. 

     The timing of our interview was perfect.  As Dan made his final statement there was a baby fecal emergency.  What did we learn about Coach Cozine?  He loves the gay people, his football team, and his family.  Dan is a patriot, so much so that he is willing to name his child after one of the most bizarre looking presidents in our history.  We can only assume that he loves the show Seinfeld, the evidence is certainly on our side.  What I am getting at, Dan is just an ordinary everyman trying to get his team to the promised land.  They have changed their name, but the mentality of this team has not changed.  Once a Jizz Bolt always a Jizz Bolt. 

     Not sure if I will be back next week.  Some of the coaches in our league are too good to be interviewed.  Nic Tyson has been banned from WWS Weekly, so no interview there.  There are still two of you left, please do not let me go back to being unemployed. 

Until we meet again, Leaf out!