article by: John Travolta
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| Travolta fever, indeed |
Well, well, well. You big boners can't seem to do anything right. All of the home teams lost, which is complete nonsense. Can someone explain to me how we have an entire division with the exact same record? Anyone? This makes less sense than Scientology. The only difference between Scientology and this league, is that I can believe Scientology!! Those of you belonging to the West division, make me want to puke on dog shit and watch a herpes infected hooker eat it. Your teams are soooo mediocre that you make the people of Switzerland are laughing at you. What does the East division have that you don't? And I do not want to hear anyone say the obvious answer which is a black team. Racist bastards.
On the bright side, there were no blowouts this week. All of the games were relatively close in score and I like that. There is one other thing that pissed me off this weekend though. Dan Cozine appears to have fired his Malaysian sex slave as head coach. In a surprise move, Cozine appears to have decided to be involved in the league this year after-all. The announcement was made...fuck it, who cares. He did say that we would retain the Malaysian as a "special assistant to the head coach." Now, I have not read the job description, but I assume that most of the responsibilities revolve around the "head" coach Cozine keeps in his pants. With this sudden change of heart comes a sudden change of name (no pun intended). The Rochester Jizz Bolts have been pulled from the dusty, mothball-infested boxes of the past to strike fear into....gay men's anuses everywhere. Congrats, Dan, on continuing to be the #1 asshole in this league. Keep up the bad work.
We are still waiting to hear if Commissioner Kinzie will force Blake Derr to forfeit his win last weekend against the Banana Hammocks. A vote is currently underway and things do not look good. Rules are rules. There have been constant reminders from the league web page to the very pages of this blog. Excuses are about as useful as Dan Cozine offering to draft your fantasy football team. Sorry, Blake. Pay your bills, son, or at least have the wifey do it for you.
Week 4 Re-Cap
Clams vs Squirts
149 112.8
My heart goes out to the Hershey Squirts. First they lost Peyton Manning before the season even started, then this week Chad Henne completes 3 of his first 4 passes before getting sidelined with a shoulder injury. Times are tough in Kenosha. Meanwhile, the Clams are reveling in their dominant performance from their defense, who scored a nut numbing 3 TD's to rack up 32 points. Aside from that, the biggest difference was in the flex position. Coach Sween opted to go with Darren Sproles who rose to the occasion. While Big Coach Olsen went with newly acquired Tim Hightower, who went limp at the sight of the Clams defense for the second week in a row. Boner of the week: Chad Henne. Way to get injured in the first quarter, dummy.
On the bright side, there were no blowouts this week. All of the games were relatively close in score and I like that. There is one other thing that pissed me off this weekend though. Dan Cozine appears to have fired his Malaysian sex slave as head coach. In a surprise move, Cozine appears to have decided to be involved in the league this year after-all. The announcement was made...fuck it, who cares. He did say that we would retain the Malaysian as a "special assistant to the head coach." Now, I have not read the job description, but I assume that most of the responsibilities revolve around the "head" coach Cozine keeps in his pants. With this sudden change of heart comes a sudden change of name (no pun intended). The Rochester Jizz Bolts have been pulled from the dusty, mothball-infested boxes of the past to strike fear into....gay men's anuses everywhere. Congrats, Dan, on continuing to be the #1 asshole in this league. Keep up the bad work.
We are still waiting to hear if Commissioner Kinzie will force Blake Derr to forfeit his win last weekend against the Banana Hammocks. A vote is currently underway and things do not look good. Rules are rules. There have been constant reminders from the league web page to the very pages of this blog. Excuses are about as useful as Dan Cozine offering to draft your fantasy football team. Sorry, Blake. Pay your bills, son, or at least have the wifey do it for you.
Week 4 Re-Cap
Clams vs Squirts
149 112.8
My heart goes out to the Hershey Squirts. First they lost Peyton Manning before the season even started, then this week Chad Henne completes 3 of his first 4 passes before getting sidelined with a shoulder injury. Times are tough in Kenosha. Meanwhile, the Clams are reveling in their dominant performance from their defense, who scored a nut numbing 3 TD's to rack up 32 points. Aside from that, the biggest difference was in the flex position. Coach Sween opted to go with Darren Sproles who rose to the occasion. While Big Coach Olsen went with newly acquired Tim Hightower, who went limp at the sight of the Clams defense for the second week in a row. Boner of the week: Chad Henne. Way to get injured in the first quarter, dummy.
After the game I caught up with Coach Sweeney about his big win:
Nothing makes me happier than getting a W at Brian Sweeney's Tiny Penis Field. This is a tough place to play, especially for me. I probably never should have named our stadium after Big Lou Olsen. It was meant to be a shrine to his memory, instead it just pissed him off. That team will get a chance to come to our place in a few weeks and hopefully we can thwart them again with our giant penises. Great job by our defense, can't wait to congratulate those guys in the shower.
Jizz Bolts vs Blacktion
141.6 134.9
This was the closest game of the week, but not quite game of the week material...mostly because of my
hatred for Coach Cozine. His team won. Black guys lost. It must really burn Coach Moylan's ass that his deficit for the week was only 6.7 points, especially considering that LaDanian Tomlinson brought in only 1.1 points. Had he not gotten greedy (LT had 26 last week, but was inconsistent) and played the steadier Felix Jones (RB, Dallas), he would have won by 6. Boner of the week: LaDanian Tomlinson
Here is what Cozine had to say after the game to a squirrel:
Are you heading this press conference little guy? Would you like a Froot Loop? I have some in a baggy in my pocket. Will you be my friend? (holds cereal out for squirrel and it bites him) Damn it. I knew I should have drafted instead of going to the beach......
What a stinker of a week for these quarterbacks. All four (four!) of them combined for less than 25 points. Let's ignore these ass-clowns entire for this analysis, shall we? Focus on the positive. That's what my anger therapist says. So, pretty much everybody else on both teams scored in the double digits, including the defenses. I realize that being in a PPR league increases scores, but this is ridiculous. Keep an eye on both of these sonsa bitches this year because their 2-2 records are deceivingly low. Boners of the week, because we can't always stay positive: Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Sam Bradford and Joe Flacco
We spoke with Coach Olsen after the game:
Yes, darling. Another dirty. This time with some goddamn vermouth, please?? Oh, sorry, John. The help around here [puffs cigar], sheesh. Well, I'm just going to sit back and watch the points roll in from here. I've kicked that piece of trash Danny Woodhead to the curb, and signed Tavaris Jackson, so essentially everyone on my team is averaging more than 10 points per week. It's going to be another great season here in Seattle [adjusts monocle, gives waitress $100 bill and a room key].
NUTS vs. DONG
137.6 121.4
The storied battle of nuts vs. dong is finally complete. As it turns out, nuts beat dong, which was a total surprise to me. Cam Newton continues his campaign of shock and awe, raining down points on (almost) every contender. This week he had a scrotum-smashing 34.5. Romo didn't look bad for the Hammocks, but Sanchez scored -2.9, which is absolutely shoot-him-behind-the-barn-worthy. Other than that, Davy's team looks fairly solid, and once some early-season jitters smooth out, he will be a tough opponent. Example: Beanie Wells laid a goose egg last week, prompting Davy to bench him for this week's 31.8-point showing. With more data, oversights like this probably won't occur, so watch out later in the season. Coach Tyson has a big hole at RB, especially with Mendenhall, his top RB with 8.5 (yecch), potentially out with a hamstring injury. He did pick up Redman, Mendenhall's backup, but it remains to be seen whether he can carry the load for a struggling Pittsburgh offense. Boner of the week: Mark Sanchez
Tyson had this to say after the game:
I am so glad I jumped on Redman. I mean, I literally jumped on him and jammed my thumbs into his sternum until he had no choice but to join the team. This tactic has worked wonders for me in the past, but I have been burned once or twice. I mean, literally, Blake lit my armpit hair on fire. Thankfully, Redman isn't as crafty or stupid.
Clayfakers vs. Butt Buccaneers
175 163.2
This week showed a solid outing from both teams, in the highest-scoring game of the week. Tom Brady and Matt Stafford did well for Coach Kinzie, but Aaron Rodgers is insane. He put up 53.9 points all by himself. What an asshole. Both of these teams are forces of nature, but the Claymakers are definitely not playing the rope-a-dope, waiting for opponents to tire. The team is kicking ass from here on out, mark my words. Don't let the 2-2 record lull you into complacency. In addition, I'm sure the Butt Pirates have some degree of ass-burn, having scored the third-most points this week and still losing. Boner of the week: Nobody
Coach Kinzie's live-in girlfriend Natalie had this to say after the game:
Oh my God. I'm so scared. He's destroyed the entire house. Now I know why they call him the Master of Disaster. Please let him win this week so I can begin rebuilding.
And that's that. This is a scary league to be in, folks. Here's a picture of the scariest guy in the league's girlfriend.
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| Destiny Newton. Destiny Newton-Rodgers? |
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