Week 11: Season Tryptophan

by John Travolta

Listen up, jerks: It's that sluggish part of the season in which some can be tempted to lose all hope. Curling into the fetal position is not the answer, despite what my old pal David Hasselhoff will tell you. Stay vigilant, you rat bastards, and you will be rewarded with the sorrow of your friends and compatriots. That prize is always a sweet one. Enjoy the leftovers of last week:


Madison Bananagrams vs. Kenosha Hershey Highways
               110.9                                109.2

This week's closest matchup was decided by a mere 1.7 points. A generally respectable output from both teams was peppered with standout performances, both good and bad. Coach Jones' Tony Romo exploded for 29 points, while Beanie Wells (1.3) forgot to show up. On the Squirts, Jordy Nelson, of all people, put up a holy-crapworthy 30, and Willis McGahee took the matchup's boner award with -0.2. Gross.

I made the right QB decision, but had I put in Ogbonnaya at RB we'd have a W on the board in place of that L. We had a good chance at victory with A.J. Green sitting out for Coach Davy, but it just wasn't meant to be, it appears. I WAS going to exact my revenge on Lil' Lou this week at Thanksgiving for his spineless coaching decisions when we played, but it appears he has a "business trip." With each passing week, your punishment worsens...

Seattle Sapling Strokers vs. Waukesha Punchees
                 77.5                                  100.1

This was my favorite match of the week. Between Coach Olsen starting Arizona scrub QB John Skelton (-2) against the 'roid-raging 49ers this week and the ever-erratic Derr neglecting to sub in for his kicker or his second QB on a bye week, this one was a dusey. Oh, and the Claymakers' QB Schaub was not only on a bye, but is LIKELY OUT FOR THE SEASON WITH AN INJURY. That's a double offense there, Blake. You started a guy on bye week, who even if his team were playing would have watched from the sidelines. Holy crap.

But in true antagonistic fashion, Coach Derr managed to pull off a 23-point victory over a struggling Humper team. I can't fucking believe that. With Flacco (20.6) and Pettigrew (13.7) the ONLY players on the Seattle team hitting double-digits, young Olsen never really put up a fight. I ran into the coach on public transportation:

I can't believe my team's horrible, godawful play this week. We have no one to blame but ourselves, really. I do have a plan, though. Right now, Kelly Cozine is flying out to meet the team at a mandatory "motivational face-punching jamboree," I'm calling it. We're just going to line everybody up and let Kelly "Fists of Fury" Cozine loose on them. That should give them some inspiration. If not, we're just going to start killing the lowest point-producer of every game -- kind of like Survivor!

 Boner of the week: Blake Derr

Affirmative Blacktion vs. K-Town Bootleggers
              118.7                             107.3

All hail the new king! I didn't get cutesy with the team names because I wanted to make sure everyone got the results straight: Coach Craig took out league hedgemond Nick Leiting this week! The Blacktion got big help from Ray Rice (31.7) and Roddy White (21.7) to make up for goose eggs from LT and Louis Murphy. My theory on the failure of the Bootleggers this week boils down to Coach Leiting's inexplicable hatred of Jay Cutler. After numerous attempts to trade the Bear away, Leiting benched the QB in favor of Tim Tebow. Seriously. It's not actually that bad of a coaching gaffe, but it does violate some people's Tebow-principles. In the name of spite, Cutler flamed out with 28.4 points and a season-ending injury. Glad I didn't make that trade!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this team right now. It appears that the wheels are falling off, but I assure you that is not the case. Our QB situation is perfectly under control, and I am not worried about the playoffs whatsoever. End of story. [Bursts into tears, runs to bedroom, slams door]

Boner of the week: Ryan Fitzpatrick (6)


Washington Clam Jams vs. Philly Bung Buddies
                125                                  146.7

Matt Stafford had 39.6 points for Charlie's stupid team of idiots. The. Fucking. End.

Kinzie's new jersey

Boner of the week: Stevie Johnson (3.6)

Rochester Name-DDs vs. Madison Scrotes McGotes
             112.7                                      131.8

Coach Cozine got what was coming to him this week after changing his team name for the 43rd time this season. If nobody knows you, they can't respect you, and God knows Tyson doesn't respect shit. With a nifty sub of Vince Young in at QB for the Madison team, big days from Vincent Jackson (29.5) and Kellen Winslow (22.2) helped round out some shitty performances from several of the usual producers.

Meanwhile, Coach Dan gets the weekly boner for neglecting to sub in for a kicker on bye week. But he probably likes that. Nick and I caught up over a hot cup of jizz:

Well, beating Dan was just a stepping stone on the way to my biggest challenge of the year: Coach Sweeney's Clam Faces in week 12. I don't know how Tim Couch misquoted me so badly when he asked about which manager I'd least trust to take over my team. I didn't say Sweeney would be bad at it, I said he would be RAD at it. Apologies to the good coach, and a collegial good luck to you this week, fine sir.

What a class act. Catch you on the flip side, bitches.