Wally and Murray Doom Your Team: Weeks 4 & 5

Yeah. Double doomed, ginger snap.

Well team, Wally seems to be much better at dooming you guys than he ever was at picking a winner.  This past week he went 4-1 in dooming you, moving his overall Doom record to 7-3.  Murray also hit on his lock of the week to improve to 2-0.  So, they are on fire...you have been warned.

  

Week 4

Sandusky Disciples  vs K-Town Bootleggers

Wally picks: Sandusky Disciples

Scrotum Smashers vs Banana Hammocks

Wally: Scrotum Smashers

Clam Faces vs Fightin' Dildos

Wally picks: Clam Faces

Claymakers vs Butt Pirates

Wally picks: Butt Pirates

Spinning Cosmos vs Affirmative Blacktion

Wally picks: Affirmative Blacktion

Murray's Lock of the Week: Philadelphia Butt Pirates

Week 5

Spinning Cosmos vs Sandusky Disciples

Wally picks: Cosmos

K-Town Bootleggers vs Fightin' Dildos

Dooming is hard work.

Wally picks: Bootleggers

Butt Pirates vs Banana Hammocks

Wally picks: Banana Hammock

Affirmative Blacktion vs Scrotum Smashers

Wally picks: Scrotum Smashers

Claymakers vs Clam Faces

Wally picks: Clam Faces

Murray's Lock of the Week: K-Town Bootleggers

Week 3 Recap

Not hair gel. Just greasy.

Ah week 3. Where the foundations of a fantasy football season are established. Whether your record was 1-1, 0-2 or 2-0, this was a pace-setting week for your West Wilson Street fake football squad.

Watching this week's action made me want to live to see next week's, despite my crippling post-sitcom depression and self-loathing, so thanks for that. Every day, I feel kind of like replacement ref Lance Easley does, now that the world has made him the poster boy for shitty officiating. FFB this week made me forget about that for 24 hours. Thanks, F-R-I-E-N-D-S! See what I did there?!?!

Let's take a look at this week's action, blown calls or not...



Madison Scrotum Smasher (0-2) vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos (2-0)
                      157.7                                              112.1


Let's start the week off with the biggest shocker on the board. The undefeated Cozinsons of Rochester fell easily to the winless Madison Patsys. Coach Dan got totally boned by a combined QB output of 13.8 from Vick and Romo. This is rather appropriate, considering that the duo may represent the most obnoxious QB pairing ever assembled. Henceforth, this team shall be known as Dogstab and the Homos. It'd make a great band name.

Anyway, the Madisonites were bolstered by a scrotum-smashing 40 points from Jamaal Charles, who tripled the output from his first two games combined. What. The. Fuck. Looking at his bench, Coach Tyson  made all the right moves this week, save for an unexpected fit of productivity from Denarius Moore (15.5).

On the other hand, Coach Queefzine left 82 point motherfucking 7 points on his bench. Granted it was a toss-up between Dogstab, the Homos and Dr. Nothingburger, Joe Flacco. However, bad luck caught up with Dan as the Raven exploded for over 30 points. Fortunately for Dan, Flacco may turn out to be the real deal, and his mega-gay Minnesota alumnus man-crush, Eric Decker showed some upside with 20 points on the day, despite languishing on the bench of the Spinning-Their-Wheels Cosmos.

Advantage Madison.

Player of the Week: Jamaal Charles (40.8 pts)...FUCK!!!!
Boner of the week: Time to hit the oooold dusty trail, Kevin Smith (0 points).


Philadelphia Butt Pirates (1-1) vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos (2-0)
                  169.1                                          154.5

Wait, he doesn't look sad at all!

In a much closer contest, yet another undefeated dildo fell to a presumably weaker foe. Last week Coach Olsen the Elder was disappointed by Peyton, but this week it would be Eli who dick-slapped the esteemed senior member of the league. Had the good coach played Andy Dalton (30.7 points), he would have come within a few points of victory here.

But t'wasn't to be, as Coach Chuckles the Clown had monster days from Matt Schaub (30.6 points), Wes Welker (22.2 points) and wild leap of faith/charter member of the Stupidly-Spelled First Name Club, Mikel Leshoure (23.4 points).

And the future looks bright for old Coach Redballs, because with a good day from pretty much everybody he started, his squad even boasts a tight end NOT named Jimmy Graham (11.6 points) who boasted 17.7 points -- Jared Cook.

So, as it were in the battle of buttplug versus dildo, buttplug came out victorious, albeit with significantly worse odor and more harmful bacteria. Kudos, Chuck. You know how to party.

Bench boner of the week: Jonathan Dwyer with -1 point. Yeesh.


K-Town Bootleggers (1-1) vs. Affirmative Blacktion (0-2)
              158.1                                        135.7

Poor Coach Darkskin falls to a pitiful 0-3 this week, as he puts up a respectable fight against the formidable Bootleggers of Kenoshire. Nobody could have predicted the absolute sputtering mess that was the Chargers offense this week. Sadly, that doomed our northernmost member to the worst start in the history of everything.

Philip Rivers, who scored 28.3  last week, managed only 3.1 asinine points this week, and Malcom Floyd was lucky to squeeze out 8.2 points. Having lost by 22.4 points, that has to be infuriating to the Blackies, but c'est la guerre, I guess.

Let's talk about what Coach Leiting did right this week. Everything. He may have had to start Mark Sanchez, but in each position, his lowest-scoring player sat safely on the bench. That may have had a lot to do with limited options (Fred Jackson and Aaron Hernandez are out, while Justin Blackmon is a waste of even a bench slot). Even his underachieving Packers defense (4 points) and kicker Matt Bryant (3 points) were expected to do better than they did.

Boner of the week: The entire city of San Diego, which of course in German means "A Whale's Vagina"


Madison Banana Hammocks (0-2) vs. Waukesha Claymakers (0-2)
                   175                                                     110.5           

In a battle for the basement, the Claymakers never seemed to have a chance.  It didn't help that the Satanic Mr. Pibb can running the Nut Nappers, put together a lineup that scored a league high 175 points.  

This is a child's drawing of the Hammocks Head Coach

Mike Wallace and Heath Miller scored almost 50% of the points for the Pottery Barns (52.4 points).  Aaron Rodgers continues to poop all over coach Derr's hopes for a playoff run, and Alex Smith hasn't been helping either.  If I was the coach I would offer some sort of...bounty, to make the team play better, you know.  Maybe offer them some money, drugs, or hookers in exchange for good play.  Or in the case of his defense (who scored -5 points), maybe you offer those things if they knock out another teams player.  That is kosher, right? 

And on the other sideline, the ghost of Davy Jones came out of his closet  locker to haunt his team to victory.  While Jay Cutler has been a disappointment from coming to Madison from Lansing, the rest of the team really picked up his tear soaked diaper.  A.J. Green was the teams leading scorer with 34.4 points, while MJD was a close second with 27.3.

Let's be real, no one actually watched this game.  These two teams are nothing more than turds circling the proverbial bowl.  If you wasted your time watching this game, may Moses have mercy on your soul.  The only thing entertaining about this game, watching Coach Blake try to throw knives across the field to puncture the Pibb can.  After the game I asked him why:

To release all of the tortured souls trapped inside.  And also to try and kill Davy a second time.  He would have understood.   

There was only one tortured soul in this game, and it was he who cast the first knife.

Boner of the Week (so far the front runner for Boner of the Month): Patriots D/ST (-5 points)

Game of the Week:

Sandusky Disciples(2-0) vs. Clam Faces(2-0)

        152.9                                  138.2

This weeks featured game was a battle of unbeatens, and only one was left standing.  Not ironically, it was the team mascot with legs. 

The Sandusky Shower Worshipers looked dead in the water for most of this game, until the Clam Faces made a fatal error...they brought soap on a rope instead of a loofa.  That error opened the door for the Church of NAMBLA to take control late and stand alone as the only undefeated team left in the league. 

While Coach Sweens team did not perform poorly, they just needed more from TE stud Rob Gronkowski, who was outscored by opposing TE, and mid-week acquisition, Dennis Pitta.  Both teams QB's, RB's, and WR's combined to score almost identical points  (47.6 - 50.8, 33.4 - 27.9, 36.8 - 35.4).  It all came down to TE, D/ST, and the Kicker.  Coach B. Tiberius Sweeney's team  took the upper hand in the kicking game, but lost their shorts on D/ST.  No one wants to be losing their shorts around Coach LO Jr's team. 

The two teams matched each other punch for punch, but the Sandusky Disciples favorite position (get it, tight...end....it's a sodomy joke) was the difference between 3-0 and 2-1.  Pitta scored 16 points, while Gronk only mustered 4.1 for a difference of 11.9 points.  The SD's only won this game by 14.7 points. 

After the game we got a sound byte from Coach Olsen, the Junior:

Well Sweeney, the better man won.  I hope that your tears make their way into ever meal you eat the rest of this week, loser.  The amount of sodium you ingest should be enough to cause some sort of kidney condition, so you may want to see a doctor before your next game.  You may talk tough, but you take it like a fat, loose, lazy bitch.  And I mean that with all due respect.  Word to the wise, try not to drop the soap next time....

Boner of the Week: Steelers D/ST (2 pts)

Anyway, good job all, and you all suck.


True to form and tradition, here are a couple of football bimbos for your enjoyment:

Wally and Murray Doom Your Team: Week 3

Good Saturday Gentlemen.

Sorry for the delay, but I have bigger fish to fry.  

Last week Murray and Wally did much better, mostly because now they are picking teams that will lose.  Wally went 3-2 in dooming you, while Murray went 1-0.  

  

We see you Dan...you are Double-Doomed

Sandusky Disciples     @     Clam Faces
Wally Picks: Sandusky Disciples

Banana Hammocks     @     Claymakers

Wally Picks: Clay

Scrotum Smashers     @     Spinning Cosmos

Wally Picks: Cosmos

Fightin' Dildos     @     Butt Pirates

Wally Picks:  Dildos

Bootleggers     @    Blacktion

Wally Picks: Blacktion

Murray's Lock of the Week:  Cosmos

Week 2 Recap

Almost Black Face....

I think it is safe to say, this week was full of surprises. 

The greatest rivalry in the league took place in the filthy, hobo ridden streets of Philadelphia.  As the newly relocated Lansing Clam Faces, led by Coach Brain Tiberius Sweeney, took on the Philadelphia Butt Pirates, Captained by Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie.  Last season, the Ginger Patch Kid ended Sweeney the Kid's run to Ryan Leaf glory (can I say that?  It seems wrong.).  There is no love lost between these two spineless competitors.  And to show there were no hard feelings, the Clam Faces decided to give away Clam brand anal plugs and We H8 Ginger signs to the first 10,000 fans.  To really ram the point home, every fan attending the game was given a can of Ginger Ale that had been shaken up and told to open it only when the Clams scored their first touchdown.  It was a fizzy, soulless, mess.

We also saw another last minute game winner between the Fightin' Dildos and the Banana Hammocks. 

It is awfully early yet, but there appears to be some sort of structure taking place in the standings: Four 2-0 teams, Two 1-1 teams, and Four 0-2 teams. 

Let's get to the action.  What better place to start than with the Black guys playing in the Shower (which is what we will now be calling Seattle Stadium). 


Affirmative Blacktion     vs.     Seattle Sandusky Disciples

            (135.6)                                         (162.1)

Last week, we saw the Inaction Blacktion try to bounce back after a ball busting 0.8-point loss to start the season. This is one in which Mason Crosby (2 points) and the Green Bay Packers butt-pumped Coach Moylan for the umpteenth time.

Alas, t’wasn’t to be this week. He had the misfortune of facing one of the strongest teams in the league – the Sandusky Disciples. I don’t know if they’re disciples because they took showers with the Penn State brain trust or what, but Coach Olsen, the Younger, is poised to make a swift jump from worst to first this season.

As for Craig, at least Philip Rivers (28.3 points) bounced back from a disappointing season opener. And to everyone here’s delight, Russell Wilson is proving to be worth the flier El Coach took on him in the draft, at least as a backup. Thing is, the guy in charge keeps putting in the wrong players.

Last week, Robert Meachem put up an unsexy 6.9, and this week he laid an egg, despite a strong 38-10 San Diego victory over a sputtering Titan team. Same goes for tight end Antonio Gates. With Malcom Floyd (16.9 points) languishing on the bench, it seems the coach and the QB had opposite taste in receivers on Sunday.

Dwayne Bowe had a spectacular day though, with 30 fantasy points, while his Chiefs managed to put up only 17 real points. And Arian Foster (26.7 points) had a banner day. And Darren Sproles (25.8 points). And RGIII (32.4 points). And pretty much the whole Disciples bench. Watch out, Clam Faces. This week, Lou’s coming for you, and there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it.

Boner of the week: Antonio Gates and his gaping 0.

It's Always Clammy in Philadelphia

Lansing Clam Faces     vs.     Philadelphia Butt Pirates

            (131.1)                                   (122.3)

In a barn burner between two week 1 winners, the margin of error was somewhat slim. It could have gone either way, but a 7.5-point day from Matt Schaub pushed things in the direction of the Clam Facials.

Frank Gore (18.5 points) continues to be a pleasant surprise this year for the Lansing Faithful, and with Gronk (19.5 points), every day must feel like Christmas. But Team Sween got lucky, in more ways than one. Lions kicker Jason Hanson fingerblasted into the stratosphere with 15 points and rookie Andrew Luck went for 23.1. This all made up for the rest of the shitty Faces team, from Donald Brown (4.5 points), to (a recently-traded-for) Jeremy Maclin (9.3 points), and a stunningly shit-tastic performance from Andre Johnson (5.1 points).

On the other side of the coin, the Banditos del Pompis had a few disappointing players, but the killer was Matt Forte’s 2nd-quarter ankle sprain. The Bears are denying it’s the more serious “high” ankle sprain, but either way, the injury torpedoed any hope for the Giggling Ginger. Maybe Amendola (35 bench points) will keep producing… But then again, probably not. Boner of the week: Matt Forte for crapping all over Coach Firecrotch


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     Waukesha Claymakers   
                 (140.9)                                              (136)

This game came down to production at the tight end spot.  While the two coaches pitted their hopes on Broncos wide receivers, the only glaring difference in this weeks’ performance came at TE.  Fred Davis is not Vernon Davis.  In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever said the opposite of that, at any point in the history of football.  Davis’ 24.3 points was the definitive ‘Big Bang’ for Coach Cozine.  

The Pottery Boxers from Waukesha did their best to make up for another lackluster performance from superhero Aaron Rodgers,  but all of the DeMaryius Thomas’ in the galaxy could not stop the Black Holes from getting to 2-0 on the season. 

In this case, one simple coaching move could have made all of the difference.  Vinny Jackson sat on the Ceramic Crushers bench and collected 23.8 points, which was more than both Mike Wallace and Mike Crabtree.  In both cases, the point difference would have been enough to give the Porcelain Fists the victory.  That one miscalculation plunged the ‘Makers into last place in the East, while allowing the Dirty Worm Holes to remain tied for first in the West. 

This weekend the Claymakers will get a shot to take down their hated division rival, the Banana Hammocks, at home.  While the Cosmopolitans will face perpetual league punching bag Nic Tyson, and the Scrotum Smashers.  After the game, I got a quick word from Coach Derr on his teams’ performance:                             

Lugubrious

 

Not sure what it means, but at least I got something.   

Dual Boners of the Week: Darren McFadden (6.1 pts) and Fred Davis (3.5 pts)

This pretty much sums it up!!!

K-Town Bootleggers     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers    
         (183.5)                                            (117.6)

When I hear the phrase, “Ass-Whooping”, this kind of score is what comes to mind.   The Drunken Footers absolutely Sanduskied the Tyson Taint Ticklers.  Getting beat is one thing, but losing by 65 points?  Your time would have been better spent dissecting a turd.  Now this is not all Coach Tyson’s fault.  Between CJ Spiller, Trent Richardson and the Packers D/ST, coach Leiting collected 83.5 points.  Now if I really wanted to add insult to injury, the Wasted Galoshes lost Aaron Hernandez to injury without him scoring a single point.  So essentially, this was a 9 on 10 game and the 10 still lost by NINE TD’s!!! 

The Ball Splitters got an impotent 6.8 points combined from their starting RB’s.  Really, aside from Cam Newton, this team is nothing like the championship team we saw one season ago.  And on the other side of the field, Coach Leiting appears to have shaken off that disappointing week 1 loss and is ready to do some serious damage. 

After the game, I actually got a full statement from Coach Leiting:      

That was only fun for the first 5 minutes or so, then I was intentionally trying to run plays that wouldn’t work.  When I realized how truly terrible that team from Madison was…I considered smashing my own scrotum, just to give myself a challenge. 

Boner of the Week:  Jamaal Charles (5.2 pts)
  GAME OF THE WEEK:

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos     vs.     Madison Banana Hammocks
              (153.1)                                              (152)

This game was a barn burner, rump roaster, nail bitter, titty twister of a game.  For the second straight weekend, we had a game decided by less than 2 points. 

It was hard to tell who had a worse QB play, the Dildos combined for 6 INT's and the Hammocks had 5 INT's.  The primary difference, Eli rebounded to throw for 510 yds and 32.2 points.  Whilst Jay Cutler pissed his pants, grabbed his baby blanket, suckled a teet, and put up 4.2 pts.  It really was a battle of perseverance.  That is a battle Cutler will never win. 

This game boasted 4 - 30 pt performance, with three of them coming on the Dildos...(I meant what I said).  The Banana Hammocks only had one, but he was the high scorer this week.  Hakeem Nicks put up 35.9 pts on a half broken foot.

It is easy to see how the Crotch Cots lost this game.  Their kicker outscored 5 of the position players (Cutler, Adrian Peterson, MJD, Dez Bryant, and the 49ers D/ST).  It probably did not help that a demonically possessed can of Mr. Pibb continues to patrol the sidelines of Madison's Chiquita Split Stadium.  This is only made more apparent by the 100+ points that were left sitting on the bench this weekend.

Coach Olsen, the Elder, has also traded in his last place finish for a first place start to the season.  He currently shares a stake of first place in the East with the Clam Faces.  The only real problem with this team is Chris "I ruined my career by holding out" Johnson, who for the second straight weekend completely embarrassed the good name of the Dildos.

Boner of the Week:  Jay Cutler and his Vagina (4.2 pts) 
Player of the Week: Hakeem Nicks (35.9 pts) 


Here is a football slutty to hold you over until next week:

Wally And Murray Doom Your Team: Week 2

Good day gentlemen.  Sorry that this is a little late, but because of my move things are happening a little behind schedule. 

Last week Wally went 1-4, whilst Murray went 0-1.  That being the case, this segment will now be known as "Wally and Murray Doom Your Team".  Essentially, they are still picking the winners, but by doing so they are screwing the teams they pick. 

Kali Ma!!  Kali Ma!!!  Death to the infidels!!!!

Let's see who is doomed tomorrow.

Spinning Cosmos @  Claymakers
Wally picks: Claymakers

Butt Pirates  @  Clam Faces
Wally Picks: Clam Faces

Blacktion  @  Sandusky Disciples
Wally Picks: Blackies

Dildos  @  Banana Hammocks
Wally Picks: Dildos

Bootleggers  @  Scrotum Smashers
Wally Picks: Scrotums

Murray's Lock of the Week:  The Waukesha Claymakers

So, my apologies to 80% of Wally's picks, you are doomed.  And I am doubley sorry to Blake, who is doubley dicked.  Tough break big guy.

Week 1 Re-Cap

article by: David Schwimmer

Hi guys.  Well, I didn't get fired yet, so at least there is that. 

You know, I took some major heat for my draft grades, but after Week 1, I was not so far off after all.  On the flip side, Lou's dogs really screwed the pooch (pun totally intended).  The lock of the week, ended up being the blow out of the week.

At least the season is back up and running and we only had one major injury through week 1.  The Kenosha Bootleggers will be without Fred Jackson for the next month or so, as he heals from a torn...leg...thing.  I don't do anatomy, I'm an actor. 

Plus we finally saw the two names for the Lou's.  The Seattle franchise will be further known as the "Sandusky Disciples" and the Kenosha franchise will be known as the "Fighting Dildos".  While these names were perhaps not the best, no one really seemed to give two shits.  In the end the decisions were made by Coach Sweeney of the Clams and of course your Ginger Fuhrer, Chuck.  What I personally like about each of these names, is that each week....someone is getting sodomized, so everyone wins.  This week, we had double penetration....let's get to the games. 

Week 1 Re-Cap:


Game of the Week:  Affirmative Blacktion     vs     Philly Butt Pirates
                                          135.5                                           136.3

The Fanito Bandito's opened the season with a .8 point victory.  This game down to Phillip Rivers inability to put the ball in the end zone.  Thanks to his pathetic attempts at scoring, it opened the door for Rochester Spinning Cosmos Hall of Fame Kicker Nate Kaeding, to kick 5 field goals.  This also lead to Blacky wideout Robert Meachum having a minimal impact.  Both defenses had impressive first week performances, the Chocolat's threw up 17 points on D/ST and the Rectal Buccaneers had 16 points.  Ray Rice was the player of the game, although in a losing effort.  The Rice-a-Roni put up 24.3 points.  Neither teams wide receivers did much to be excited about.  Each team started 3 WR's, and they combined for an average of 9.2 points per receiver.  That is not going to cut it on a weekly basis.  The fact remains, the Blackies had a clear shot at the Gold Chest of Analgia, but needed just one more play.  This will go down as a team loss for the Sambos, and a huge team victory for the reigning Eastern Division champs.  Boner of the Week: Wes Welker (4.4 points)

Waukesha Claymakers     vs     Kenosha Fighting Dildos
             134.2                                            153.7

In the debut of the new team name, the Fighting Dildos went straight to work.  Thanks to Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall, Olsen Sr. never needed to worry.  Those two combined, threw up over 50 points.  When you pair that with a team full of double digit performances (minus his kicker, who had 5 points), you get a very solid opening weekend win.  The Pottery Fists got plenty of points from their QB duo, Aaron Rodgers and Alex Smith.  The offense certainly came to play, but with a pathetic 1 point contribution from the D/ST the Bowl Punchers never had a chance.  This was a divisional game that had plenty of interesting story lines, primarily people were interested to see how the Dildos would bounce back after a disappointing expansion season in 2011.  Fans in Kenosha went home happy, especially the ladies.  It just happened to be "Dildo Sword" weekend.  Boner of the Week: Giants D/ST (1 point)


Lansing Clam Faces     vs     Madison Banana Hammocks
           150.5                                          124.8

In a surprise move, prior to the game, these two teams made a trade that did not take effect until after this weekends game was through.  Jay Cutler made his first, and only, start for the Clam Faces this weekend.  Something tells me Coach Sweens is going to regret trading Cutler away, since he put up 22.9 points.  In the deal, the Clams sent Jay Cutler and Willis McGahee to the Nut Nuzzlers for Ryan Matthews and Jeremy Maclin.  Not a bad trade, but if week 1 has taught me anything, this is still a QB's league.  Bry does have some depth at QB, with Andrew Luck and Ryan FitzPatrick, but Cutler will be missed.  He was a true Clam Face...anyone who has seen him already knows this to be true.  You may recall that Davy Jones is dead, so his team was drafted by his ghost and is now being coached by a can of Mr. Pibb.  That can just does not have enough coaching experience, he left over 70 points sitting on the bench, as his starters underperformed all across the board.  Drew Brees and Andre Johnson stole the show for the Chowder Pie-Holes, leading them to a solid 25 point victory.  That possessed Mr. Pibb can needs to get his shit together, otherwise the Teste Ticklers are in for a long season.  Boner of the Week: Michael Turner (3.2 points)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     K-Town Bootleggers
               170.3                                              143.7

While Fighting 'Do's fans across town were waiving their dildo swords with pride, the Raging Alcoholic fans fell flat and where sucked into the Cosmos spinning wheel of destruction.  Even Matt Ryan's stunning 38.5 point performance was not enough to save the drowning Booty Boozers.  The Spinning Cosmos got terrific performances from everyone....accept 2nd round pick Eric Decker, who put up a pedestrian 10.4 points.  But there was nothing pedestrian about what the rest of this team did.  Tony Romo, Darren McFadden, and Reggie Wayne all threw up over 20 points a piece.  The Stephen Hawkings have a new name and a new attitude.  Since Coach Cozine actually showed up to the draft, you can tell that he actually gives two shits about this team.  I was able to talk with him, via Twitter after the game:

Fuck off "Ross"!  How did you get this gig?  This is not even a funny bit. Let's play a game Schwim #hideandgofuckyourself

I guess you have to earn some respect in this league before you can get a good quote from league coaches.  And for the record, I have never played that game, but it sounds interesting.  Boner of the Week: Fred Jackson (1.5 points and injured)   Stud of the Week: Matt Ryan (38.5 points)


Sandusky Disciples     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers
         179.9                                              115.2

In my draft re-cap, I said that I thought the Shower Sodomists had the best draft and that the reigning Ryan Leaf Trophy winners would regret letting a Russian circus monkey draft their team.  This game proves that I was pretty much right on the button. Let me also point out that both Walter and the newest Olsen dog, Murray, picked this one wrong.  So if you bet money on this game because it was the "Lock of the week", punch yourself in the balls...because you are a numb nuts.  The biggest story of this game was Robert Griffin III, who put up an impressive 29 points in his first career start.  When that was paired with Julio Jones absurd day, 28.8 points, the Pro-PSUers looked unstoppable.  The Nut Nashers got no help from their RB's, as Jamaal Charles and DeAngelo Williams combined for 10.1 points.  Nor by RGIII outscoring Cam Newton and Sam Bradford combined.  At least Tyson had the testicular fortitude to show up and take his home crowds boos like a man.  Especially when David Akers nailed that 63 yd field goal, giving him a 16 point fantasy day.  The Ball Bashers never had a prayer in this game.  This marks the 2nd consecutive season that the Ryan Leaf Champion lost their opening week game the following season, the other team to do it?  The Disciples, formerly known as the Tree Humpers.  Boner of the Week:  DeAngelo Williams (1.4 points)

Next week, I am hoping to get a press pass, so that I can actually attend some of the post game press conferences...but don't hold your breath. 

My game to watch this upcoming weekend, The Butt Pirates @ Clam Faces.  This is arguably the most bitter rivalry in our league.  It will be my first time covering this hated rivalry, so I can't wait to see what the Clam Faces will give away at the game this year to mock Coach Kinzie and his ginger crusaders. 

And, as is tradition, a football slut.

Wally Picks A Winner and int​roducing, Murray's Lock of the Week

Gentlemen, the time has come.  That's right, since I now have a reduced role in the land of Milwaukee Brewers baseball, I can devote more time to making you dickbags laugh.  And quite frankly, nothing was a bigger success in 2010 than the 'Wally Picks a Winner' segment.  So each week, my dog Walter, will be picking a treat with your teams name on it (or not, as the case may be).  Keep in mind, my dog knows nothing of football, or you as she-males.  He is basing his pick off of nothing more than which treat he deems to be superior of the two treats. 

Now for those who did not know, since last season I have added a 2nd dog to my household and he wants in.  So please give a lukewarm welcome to Captian Murray Furry Boots FitzSimmons Olsen.  Until I can come up with something for him to do on his own, he will be piggy-backing off of Walter.  So, of the 5 picks Walter makes, Murray will pick just 1 of those to be his "Lock of the Week". 

For the months of October, November, and December I will video tape the picks, so as to avoid accusations of dickery (and yes, that is directed at you Sweeney).  But since my wife and I are moving at the end of September, you are just going to have to deal for a few weeks because I do not have the time.

So, enough of me.  Here is who Walter likes this week

Penn State Shower Rape Name @ Scrotum Smashers 

Wally Picks: The Scrots

Affirmative Blackies @ Butt Pirates
Wally Picks: The Black Guys

Claymakers @ Big Lou 
Wally Picks: Big Lou

Spinning Cosmos @ Bootleggers 
Wally Picks: The Booze Boots

Clam Faces @ Banana Hammocks 

Wally Picks: The Banana

**Murray's Lock of the Week:  The Scrotal Tissue**

Well, it sucks to be me and rules to be Tyson.  On the bright side, I can be the first true upset of the season.  Either way, my dogs have spoken.  Read it and weep boners. 

Schwimmer's Draft Re-Cap

First off, Congratulations to all of you for finishing the entire draft in 1 hour!  That is unheard of.  You should all give yourselves a pat on the back...unless your name is Nic Tyson or Davy Wagner (may he rest in peace). 

By far the biggest story of the draft was the lack of Madison, WI influences.  After one successful season, it seems as if both coaches have forgotten about the dark days.  Many of you will remember the 2010 Fantasy season, when Madison was the rectal thermometer of the league.  Teams went in there...and came out much stinkier than before.  The city had basically abandoned both stadiums.  It got so bad that both teams had to come up with extreme giveaways to get fans back in the seats.  Things like, "Free Enema Night", "Unlimited Taco Sunday", and my personal favorite "The Complete 3rd Season of Friends Night".  None of this worked.  Then last season the two teams showed growth and sure enough the fans came back.  Clearly nothing was learned from this experience, since neither coach showed up to choose their team.

Now, after doing some research I discovered that reigning Championship coach Nic Tyson was involved in a lawsuit.  While I was unable to find out what the trial was for, I was able to find out that he was testifying under the pseudonym "Jon Doe #4".  If that means anything to anyone, please let me know.  And according to Sally Jones, Davy's nosey bitch of an ex-wife, he has been dead since February.  Well, it showed in his drafting. 

So, since this is my first time doing this, I am going to stay away from broad generalizations.  Instead, I will be focusing on each teams individual shortcomings.  Sure some of you made some great moves, but from what I understand, this league does not promote positivity.  Therefore, here is where each of you fucked the poodle. 

Philadelphia Butt Pirates:  The Fanny Bandits put themselves in a position to walk into the championship game.  By making two pre-draft trades, Chuck Kinzie and Co. were able to obtain the 2nd and 4th overall pick.  And those were not wasted, as he selected Fantasy Sex Machines Wes Welker and Matt Forte.  The problem arose when Kinzie only had 1 draft pick between numbers 4 and 32.  Once the dust settled on the first 6 rounds, the Rectal Ramparts only had 1 running back.  With the 49th overall pick, the Jolly Rogers took Roy Helu.  The pairing of Forte and Helu shows a huge drop off in talent and production.  While his QB and WR situation appears to be as solid as ever, his RB's should be a huge source of concern.  He did slighlty improve his situation by taking late fliers on Peyton Hillis and Mike Tolbert, both of whom are backing up injury proned starters.  Overall Draft Grade: B+

Rochester Spinning Cosmos: With Mike Vick and Darren McFadden returning to the team, Cozine already had some injury concerns.  While he addressed those concerns by adding depth at QB and RB, he made one glaring misstep.  With his 2nd overall pick, Coach Cozine made the most puzzling choice of the draft by taking Eric Decker.  While, this pick as a whole does not seem strange, it is when you consider the other WR's available: Victor Cruz, Brandon Marshall, and Julio Jones.  Many of the coaches in the league acknowledged that this was a "comfort pick".  Once coach even said, "Cozine picked Decker because he was a Minnesota Golden Gopher.  That is the only reason."  While this was a shocking choice, and overall talent reach, Cozine finished the draft with a strong team.  But if the injury bug bites this team, it will bite hard and without mercy, spinning the Cosmos into a FFB black hole.  Overall Draft Grade: B-

Madison Banana Hammocks:  Well, they didn't show up and now their starting QB's are Carson Palmer and Tim Tebow.  The ghost of Davy Wagner will also have to hope that his stable of oft-injured, hold out loving RB's can stay on the field long enough to produce points.  His ghost also drafted 2 D/ST's, which is unheard of in Fantasy Football.  My advice, see a voodoo witch doctor and get yourself a new body.  Your team is in a world of trouble.  I would start looking for a QB trade yesterday.  Overall Draft Grade: F+

Waukesha Claymakers:  There is an awful lot to like about the Claymakers draft and what Coach Derr did.  On the flip side, he voiced some concerns to me during the draft about the health and age of his RB stable.  Steven Jackson, Marshawn Lynch, and Cedric Benson (while all still viable NFL starters) are all on the down slope of their careers.  Both age and number of touches over the past 5 seasons are beginning to add up for these once powerful fantasy institutions.  But, with Aaron Rodgers as your QB, you can bet that alot of the RB's shortcomings will be made up for through the air.  I still have concerns about Alex Smith and Christian Ponder alternating at the #2 QB spot.  Strength of this team will be at WR.  About as explosive of a group as you will find in this league.  Overall Draft Grade: B

Lou's Losing Losers: This may not be the final team name, but for now it is the default.  Coach Lou Sr. had a very specific plan for this draft, "Pick a team that will be able to compete".  After last seasons injury plagued, weekly sodomies, the elder Olsen was ready to make a statement.  And he did by taking Eli Manning with the #1 overall pick, pairing the Manning brothers together.  Then he added more talent by drafting Victor Cruz and Brandon Marshall for them to throw to.  His one mishap was at running back, by drafting Reggie BUsh as his #2 guy.  Most of you will recognize Reggie Bush for being one of the 72,340 black athlete's to have sex with Kim Kardashian.  While Bush showed that he CAN be a solid NFL back, it is hard to imagine him repeating last seasons performance.  But there is no doubt that this team will not be dwelling in the cellar in 2012.  Overall Draft Grade: B+

Affirmative Blacktion: Coach Craig used his 1st round pick to take the always classy Philip Rivers, to pair with returning veterans Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald.  Then Craig went ahead and picked up Ben "The Rapist" Roethlisberger, which was a solid pick for #2 QB, but a porr pick for his PR department.  I feel like a broken record, but the concern for the Blackies is at the RB position.  While Stevan Ridley could be a superstar, he is an uproven commodity. The same could be said for his 3rd RB, Ryan Williams.   Another solid WR core and one of the most stable QB group in the league.  What this team may lack in explosivity, it makes up for in consistency.  This is a solid team, sprinkled with potential, and that is a dangerous combination.  Fuck Alaska.  Overall Draft Grade: B

Lansing Clam Faces: Things were looking pretty good for Ol' Coach Sweens, until those 4th-6th round picks happened.  Frank Gore is a RB who was once a #1 star, but now is a featured back in a 3 back stable, which bodes poorly for the Clam Cakes.  Then he further compounded his RB concerns by drafting Michael Turner.  Another back who is sliding on his belly down the hill.  Just when you thought it couldn't get worse for Lansing football fans, he drafts Willis McGahee.  Sweens drafted 3 washed up RB's in back-to-back-to-back rounds.  My favorite pick of Sweens, was taking a late round gamble on Rookie QB Andrew Luck.  A great value pick, who could easily unseat Jay Cutler as the Clam's 2nd QB along with Drew Brees.  While the team seems strong on paper, there are a lot of question marks.  Fuck Michigan.  Overall Draft Grade: C

K-Town Bootleggers:  Last season Coach Leiting was the man with the Midas touch.  Every player he drafted, turned in career fantasy years.  Well, until the playoffs that is.  Because of that fact, it is hard to gauge how this draft went for the Booze Hounds.  LeSean McCoy, Fred Jackson, and Trent Richardson could be the best RB trio in the league.  Calvin Johnson and Marques Colston are a formidable one-two punch at WR.  My concern for this team, is the same thing that doomed them last season, the QB position.  Matt Ryan is a solid player, who will produce.  But the Josh Freeman/Mark Sanchez combo at #2 could be the piss in Coach Leiting's lemonade.  On the plus side, at least he doesn't have Tim Tebow.  One pick that deserves some notice, WR Justin Blackmon.  This kid could be the net big fantasy threat.  You have all been notified.  Overall Draft Grade: B

The Sandusky Acquittal Committee:  Coach Olsen Jr. made the boldest trade in the history of this league prior to the draft.  By trading Jimmy Graham and his 1st overall pick, he was able to acquire Matt Stafford.  When you consider the lack of a 1st round pick, this was arguably one of the strongest drafts of the day.  Having said that, this is also a team that could fall flat on it's face.  This roster is full of potential, with not enough proven talent.  RG3 will be taking over as the #2 QB for the NAMBLA's, which could pay huge dividends...or it could be a JaMarcus Russell type disaster.  The same could be said for RB's Doug Martin and Donald Brown, or WR's Kendall Wright and Brandon LaFell.  So, this will end one of two ways, another Ryan Leaf Trophy, or one more season of being sponsored by a man made famous by butt plugging children.  Fuck Seattle.  Overall Draft Grade: A-

Madison Scrotum Smashers: The regning champs somehow came out with a pretty amazing roster, despite the fact that Coach Tyson did not make one pick of his own.  His RB stable has a tremendous injury history.  In fact if we combined the number of games played, versus number of games missed via injury, it could be a wash.  Sam Bradford is not an ideal #2 QB, but what can you expect when you let a Russian circus monkey make all of your picks.  I will say one thing about the Rusky monkey, he knows WR's.  Steve Smith, Roddy White, and Greg Jennings.  Wow.  That is by far the best WR group in the league.  Without a 3rd QB, Tyson may need to make a move in order to make a late season puch similar to last season, but with that WR core it shouldn't be too difficult.  Overall Draft Grade: D+ (mostly for not showing up)

Steal of the Draft: Victor Cruz at #20

Reach of the Draft: Eric Decker at #18

And now, a slut...