Week 1 Re-Cap

article by: David Schwimmer

Hi guys.  Well, I didn't get fired yet, so at least there is that. 

You know, I took some major heat for my draft grades, but after Week 1, I was not so far off after all.  On the flip side, Lou's dogs really screwed the pooch (pun totally intended).  The lock of the week, ended up being the blow out of the week.

At least the season is back up and running and we only had one major injury through week 1.  The Kenosha Bootleggers will be without Fred Jackson for the next month or so, as he heals from a torn...leg...thing.  I don't do anatomy, I'm an actor. 

Plus we finally saw the two names for the Lou's.  The Seattle franchise will be further known as the "Sandusky Disciples" and the Kenosha franchise will be known as the "Fighting Dildos".  While these names were perhaps not the best, no one really seemed to give two shits.  In the end the decisions were made by Coach Sweeney of the Clams and of course your Ginger Fuhrer, Chuck.  What I personally like about each of these names, is that each week....someone is getting sodomized, so everyone wins.  This week, we had double penetration....let's get to the games. 

Week 1 Re-Cap:


Game of the Week:  Affirmative Blacktion     vs     Philly Butt Pirates
                                          135.5                                           136.3

The Fanito Bandito's opened the season with a .8 point victory.  This game down to Phillip Rivers inability to put the ball in the end zone.  Thanks to his pathetic attempts at scoring, it opened the door for Rochester Spinning Cosmos Hall of Fame Kicker Nate Kaeding, to kick 5 field goals.  This also lead to Blacky wideout Robert Meachum having a minimal impact.  Both defenses had impressive first week performances, the Chocolat's threw up 17 points on D/ST and the Rectal Buccaneers had 16 points.  Ray Rice was the player of the game, although in a losing effort.  The Rice-a-Roni put up 24.3 points.  Neither teams wide receivers did much to be excited about.  Each team started 3 WR's, and they combined for an average of 9.2 points per receiver.  That is not going to cut it on a weekly basis.  The fact remains, the Blackies had a clear shot at the Gold Chest of Analgia, but needed just one more play.  This will go down as a team loss for the Sambos, and a huge team victory for the reigning Eastern Division champs.  Boner of the Week: Wes Welker (4.4 points)

Waukesha Claymakers     vs     Kenosha Fighting Dildos
             134.2                                            153.7

In the debut of the new team name, the Fighting Dildos went straight to work.  Thanks to Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall, Olsen Sr. never needed to worry.  Those two combined, threw up over 50 points.  When you pair that with a team full of double digit performances (minus his kicker, who had 5 points), you get a very solid opening weekend win.  The Pottery Fists got plenty of points from their QB duo, Aaron Rodgers and Alex Smith.  The offense certainly came to play, but with a pathetic 1 point contribution from the D/ST the Bowl Punchers never had a chance.  This was a divisional game that had plenty of interesting story lines, primarily people were interested to see how the Dildos would bounce back after a disappointing expansion season in 2011.  Fans in Kenosha went home happy, especially the ladies.  It just happened to be "Dildo Sword" weekend.  Boner of the Week: Giants D/ST (1 point)


Lansing Clam Faces     vs     Madison Banana Hammocks
           150.5                                          124.8

In a surprise move, prior to the game, these two teams made a trade that did not take effect until after this weekends game was through.  Jay Cutler made his first, and only, start for the Clam Faces this weekend.  Something tells me Coach Sweens is going to regret trading Cutler away, since he put up 22.9 points.  In the deal, the Clams sent Jay Cutler and Willis McGahee to the Nut Nuzzlers for Ryan Matthews and Jeremy Maclin.  Not a bad trade, but if week 1 has taught me anything, this is still a QB's league.  Bry does have some depth at QB, with Andrew Luck and Ryan FitzPatrick, but Cutler will be missed.  He was a true Clam Face...anyone who has seen him already knows this to be true.  You may recall that Davy Jones is dead, so his team was drafted by his ghost and is now being coached by a can of Mr. Pibb.  That can just does not have enough coaching experience, he left over 70 points sitting on the bench, as his starters underperformed all across the board.  Drew Brees and Andre Johnson stole the show for the Chowder Pie-Holes, leading them to a solid 25 point victory.  That possessed Mr. Pibb can needs to get his shit together, otherwise the Teste Ticklers are in for a long season.  Boner of the Week: Michael Turner (3.2 points)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     K-Town Bootleggers
               170.3                                              143.7

While Fighting 'Do's fans across town were waiving their dildo swords with pride, the Raging Alcoholic fans fell flat and where sucked into the Cosmos spinning wheel of destruction.  Even Matt Ryan's stunning 38.5 point performance was not enough to save the drowning Booty Boozers.  The Spinning Cosmos got terrific performances from everyone....accept 2nd round pick Eric Decker, who put up a pedestrian 10.4 points.  But there was nothing pedestrian about what the rest of this team did.  Tony Romo, Darren McFadden, and Reggie Wayne all threw up over 20 points a piece.  The Stephen Hawkings have a new name and a new attitude.  Since Coach Cozine actually showed up to the draft, you can tell that he actually gives two shits about this team.  I was able to talk with him, via Twitter after the game:

Fuck off "Ross"!  How did you get this gig?  This is not even a funny bit. Let's play a game Schwim #hideandgofuckyourself

I guess you have to earn some respect in this league before you can get a good quote from league coaches.  And for the record, I have never played that game, but it sounds interesting.  Boner of the Week: Fred Jackson (1.5 points and injured)   Stud of the Week: Matt Ryan (38.5 points)


Sandusky Disciples     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers
         179.9                                              115.2

In my draft re-cap, I said that I thought the Shower Sodomists had the best draft and that the reigning Ryan Leaf Trophy winners would regret letting a Russian circus monkey draft their team.  This game proves that I was pretty much right on the button. Let me also point out that both Walter and the newest Olsen dog, Murray, picked this one wrong.  So if you bet money on this game because it was the "Lock of the week", punch yourself in the balls...because you are a numb nuts.  The biggest story of this game was Robert Griffin III, who put up an impressive 29 points in his first career start.  When that was paired with Julio Jones absurd day, 28.8 points, the Pro-PSUers looked unstoppable.  The Nut Nashers got no help from their RB's, as Jamaal Charles and DeAngelo Williams combined for 10.1 points.  Nor by RGIII outscoring Cam Newton and Sam Bradford combined.  At least Tyson had the testicular fortitude to show up and take his home crowds boos like a man.  Especially when David Akers nailed that 63 yd field goal, giving him a 16 point fantasy day.  The Ball Bashers never had a prayer in this game.  This marks the 2nd consecutive season that the Ryan Leaf Champion lost their opening week game the following season, the other team to do it?  The Disciples, formerly known as the Tree Humpers.  Boner of the Week:  DeAngelo Williams (1.4 points)

Next week, I am hoping to get a press pass, so that I can actually attend some of the post game press conferences...but don't hold your breath. 

My game to watch this upcoming weekend, The Butt Pirates @ Clam Faces.  This is arguably the most bitter rivalry in our league.  It will be my first time covering this hated rivalry, so I can't wait to see what the Clam Faces will give away at the game this year to mock Coach Kinzie and his ginger crusaders. 

And, as is tradition, a football slut.