Week 2 Recap

Almost Black Face....

I think it is safe to say, this week was full of surprises. 

The greatest rivalry in the league took place in the filthy, hobo ridden streets of Philadelphia.  As the newly relocated Lansing Clam Faces, led by Coach Brain Tiberius Sweeney, took on the Philadelphia Butt Pirates, Captained by Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie.  Last season, the Ginger Patch Kid ended Sweeney the Kid's run to Ryan Leaf glory (can I say that?  It seems wrong.).  There is no love lost between these two spineless competitors.  And to show there were no hard feelings, the Clam Faces decided to give away Clam brand anal plugs and We H8 Ginger signs to the first 10,000 fans.  To really ram the point home, every fan attending the game was given a can of Ginger Ale that had been shaken up and told to open it only when the Clams scored their first touchdown.  It was a fizzy, soulless, mess.

We also saw another last minute game winner between the Fightin' Dildos and the Banana Hammocks. 

It is awfully early yet, but there appears to be some sort of structure taking place in the standings: Four 2-0 teams, Two 1-1 teams, and Four 0-2 teams. 

Let's get to the action.  What better place to start than with the Black guys playing in the Shower (which is what we will now be calling Seattle Stadium). 


Affirmative Blacktion     vs.     Seattle Sandusky Disciples

            (135.6)                                         (162.1)

Last week, we saw the Inaction Blacktion try to bounce back after a ball busting 0.8-point loss to start the season. This is one in which Mason Crosby (2 points) and the Green Bay Packers butt-pumped Coach Moylan for the umpteenth time.

Alas, t’wasn’t to be this week. He had the misfortune of facing one of the strongest teams in the league – the Sandusky Disciples. I don’t know if they’re disciples because they took showers with the Penn State brain trust or what, but Coach Olsen, the Younger, is poised to make a swift jump from worst to first this season.

As for Craig, at least Philip Rivers (28.3 points) bounced back from a disappointing season opener. And to everyone here’s delight, Russell Wilson is proving to be worth the flier El Coach took on him in the draft, at least as a backup. Thing is, the guy in charge keeps putting in the wrong players.

Last week, Robert Meachem put up an unsexy 6.9, and this week he laid an egg, despite a strong 38-10 San Diego victory over a sputtering Titan team. Same goes for tight end Antonio Gates. With Malcom Floyd (16.9 points) languishing on the bench, it seems the coach and the QB had opposite taste in receivers on Sunday.

Dwayne Bowe had a spectacular day though, with 30 fantasy points, while his Chiefs managed to put up only 17 real points. And Arian Foster (26.7 points) had a banner day. And Darren Sproles (25.8 points). And RGIII (32.4 points). And pretty much the whole Disciples bench. Watch out, Clam Faces. This week, Lou’s coming for you, and there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it.

Boner of the week: Antonio Gates and his gaping 0.

It's Always Clammy in Philadelphia

Lansing Clam Faces     vs.     Philadelphia Butt Pirates

            (131.1)                                   (122.3)

In a barn burner between two week 1 winners, the margin of error was somewhat slim. It could have gone either way, but a 7.5-point day from Matt Schaub pushed things in the direction of the Clam Facials.

Frank Gore (18.5 points) continues to be a pleasant surprise this year for the Lansing Faithful, and with Gronk (19.5 points), every day must feel like Christmas. But Team Sween got lucky, in more ways than one. Lions kicker Jason Hanson fingerblasted into the stratosphere with 15 points and rookie Andrew Luck went for 23.1. This all made up for the rest of the shitty Faces team, from Donald Brown (4.5 points), to (a recently-traded-for) Jeremy Maclin (9.3 points), and a stunningly shit-tastic performance from Andre Johnson (5.1 points).

On the other side of the coin, the Banditos del Pompis had a few disappointing players, but the killer was Matt Forte’s 2nd-quarter ankle sprain. The Bears are denying it’s the more serious “high” ankle sprain, but either way, the injury torpedoed any hope for the Giggling Ginger. Maybe Amendola (35 bench points) will keep producing… But then again, probably not. Boner of the week: Matt Forte for crapping all over Coach Firecrotch


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     Waukesha Claymakers   
                 (140.9)                                              (136)

This game came down to production at the tight end spot.  While the two coaches pitted their hopes on Broncos wide receivers, the only glaring difference in this weeks’ performance came at TE.  Fred Davis is not Vernon Davis.  In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever said the opposite of that, at any point in the history of football.  Davis’ 24.3 points was the definitive ‘Big Bang’ for Coach Cozine.  

The Pottery Boxers from Waukesha did their best to make up for another lackluster performance from superhero Aaron Rodgers,  but all of the DeMaryius Thomas’ in the galaxy could not stop the Black Holes from getting to 2-0 on the season. 

In this case, one simple coaching move could have made all of the difference.  Vinny Jackson sat on the Ceramic Crushers bench and collected 23.8 points, which was more than both Mike Wallace and Mike Crabtree.  In both cases, the point difference would have been enough to give the Porcelain Fists the victory.  That one miscalculation plunged the ‘Makers into last place in the East, while allowing the Dirty Worm Holes to remain tied for first in the West. 

This weekend the Claymakers will get a shot to take down their hated division rival, the Banana Hammocks, at home.  While the Cosmopolitans will face perpetual league punching bag Nic Tyson, and the Scrotum Smashers.  After the game, I got a quick word from Coach Derr on his teams’ performance:                             

Lugubrious

 

Not sure what it means, but at least I got something.   

Dual Boners of the Week: Darren McFadden (6.1 pts) and Fred Davis (3.5 pts)

This pretty much sums it up!!!

K-Town Bootleggers     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers    
         (183.5)                                            (117.6)

When I hear the phrase, “Ass-Whooping”, this kind of score is what comes to mind.   The Drunken Footers absolutely Sanduskied the Tyson Taint Ticklers.  Getting beat is one thing, but losing by 65 points?  Your time would have been better spent dissecting a turd.  Now this is not all Coach Tyson’s fault.  Between CJ Spiller, Trent Richardson and the Packers D/ST, coach Leiting collected 83.5 points.  Now if I really wanted to add insult to injury, the Wasted Galoshes lost Aaron Hernandez to injury without him scoring a single point.  So essentially, this was a 9 on 10 game and the 10 still lost by NINE TD’s!!! 

The Ball Splitters got an impotent 6.8 points combined from their starting RB’s.  Really, aside from Cam Newton, this team is nothing like the championship team we saw one season ago.  And on the other side of the field, Coach Leiting appears to have shaken off that disappointing week 1 loss and is ready to do some serious damage. 

After the game, I actually got a full statement from Coach Leiting:      

That was only fun for the first 5 minutes or so, then I was intentionally trying to run plays that wouldn’t work.  When I realized how truly terrible that team from Madison was…I considered smashing my own scrotum, just to give myself a challenge. 

Boner of the Week:  Jamaal Charles (5.2 pts)
  GAME OF THE WEEK:

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos     vs.     Madison Banana Hammocks
              (153.1)                                              (152)

This game was a barn burner, rump roaster, nail bitter, titty twister of a game.  For the second straight weekend, we had a game decided by less than 2 points. 

It was hard to tell who had a worse QB play, the Dildos combined for 6 INT's and the Hammocks had 5 INT's.  The primary difference, Eli rebounded to throw for 510 yds and 32.2 points.  Whilst Jay Cutler pissed his pants, grabbed his baby blanket, suckled a teet, and put up 4.2 pts.  It really was a battle of perseverance.  That is a battle Cutler will never win. 

This game boasted 4 - 30 pt performance, with three of them coming on the Dildos...(I meant what I said).  The Banana Hammocks only had one, but he was the high scorer this week.  Hakeem Nicks put up 35.9 pts on a half broken foot.

It is easy to see how the Crotch Cots lost this game.  Their kicker outscored 5 of the position players (Cutler, Adrian Peterson, MJD, Dez Bryant, and the 49ers D/ST).  It probably did not help that a demonically possessed can of Mr. Pibb continues to patrol the sidelines of Madison's Chiquita Split Stadium.  This is only made more apparent by the 100+ points that were left sitting on the bench this weekend.

Coach Olsen, the Elder, has also traded in his last place finish for a first place start to the season.  He currently shares a stake of first place in the East with the Clam Faces.  The only real problem with this team is Chris "I ruined my career by holding out" Johnson, who for the second straight weekend completely embarrassed the good name of the Dildos.

Boner of the Week:  Jay Cutler and his Vagina (4.2 pts) 
Player of the Week: Hakeem Nicks (35.9 pts) 


Here is a football slutty to hold you over until next week: