Week 3 Recap

Not hair gel. Just greasy.

Ah week 3. Where the foundations of a fantasy football season are established. Whether your record was 1-1, 0-2 or 2-0, this was a pace-setting week for your West Wilson Street fake football squad.

Watching this week's action made me want to live to see next week's, despite my crippling post-sitcom depression and self-loathing, so thanks for that. Every day, I feel kind of like replacement ref Lance Easley does, now that the world has made him the poster boy for shitty officiating. FFB this week made me forget about that for 24 hours. Thanks, F-R-I-E-N-D-S! See what I did there?!?!

Let's take a look at this week's action, blown calls or not...



Madison Scrotum Smasher (0-2) vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos (2-0)
                      157.7                                              112.1


Let's start the week off with the biggest shocker on the board. The undefeated Cozinsons of Rochester fell easily to the winless Madison Patsys. Coach Dan got totally boned by a combined QB output of 13.8 from Vick and Romo. This is rather appropriate, considering that the duo may represent the most obnoxious QB pairing ever assembled. Henceforth, this team shall be known as Dogstab and the Homos. It'd make a great band name.

Anyway, the Madisonites were bolstered by a scrotum-smashing 40 points from Jamaal Charles, who tripled the output from his first two games combined. What. The. Fuck. Looking at his bench, Coach Tyson  made all the right moves this week, save for an unexpected fit of productivity from Denarius Moore (15.5).

On the other hand, Coach Queefzine left 82 point motherfucking 7 points on his bench. Granted it was a toss-up between Dogstab, the Homos and Dr. Nothingburger, Joe Flacco. However, bad luck caught up with Dan as the Raven exploded for over 30 points. Fortunately for Dan, Flacco may turn out to be the real deal, and his mega-gay Minnesota alumnus man-crush, Eric Decker showed some upside with 20 points on the day, despite languishing on the bench of the Spinning-Their-Wheels Cosmos.

Advantage Madison.

Player of the Week: Jamaal Charles (40.8 pts)...FUCK!!!!
Boner of the week: Time to hit the oooold dusty trail, Kevin Smith (0 points).


Philadelphia Butt Pirates (1-1) vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos (2-0)
                  169.1                                          154.5

Wait, he doesn't look sad at all!

In a much closer contest, yet another undefeated dildo fell to a presumably weaker foe. Last week Coach Olsen the Elder was disappointed by Peyton, but this week it would be Eli who dick-slapped the esteemed senior member of the league. Had the good coach played Andy Dalton (30.7 points), he would have come within a few points of victory here.

But t'wasn't to be, as Coach Chuckles the Clown had monster days from Matt Schaub (30.6 points), Wes Welker (22.2 points) and wild leap of faith/charter member of the Stupidly-Spelled First Name Club, Mikel Leshoure (23.4 points).

And the future looks bright for old Coach Redballs, because with a good day from pretty much everybody he started, his squad even boasts a tight end NOT named Jimmy Graham (11.6 points) who boasted 17.7 points -- Jared Cook.

So, as it were in the battle of buttplug versus dildo, buttplug came out victorious, albeit with significantly worse odor and more harmful bacteria. Kudos, Chuck. You know how to party.

Bench boner of the week: Jonathan Dwyer with -1 point. Yeesh.


K-Town Bootleggers (1-1) vs. Affirmative Blacktion (0-2)
              158.1                                        135.7

Poor Coach Darkskin falls to a pitiful 0-3 this week, as he puts up a respectable fight against the formidable Bootleggers of Kenoshire. Nobody could have predicted the absolute sputtering mess that was the Chargers offense this week. Sadly, that doomed our northernmost member to the worst start in the history of everything.

Philip Rivers, who scored 28.3  last week, managed only 3.1 asinine points this week, and Malcom Floyd was lucky to squeeze out 8.2 points. Having lost by 22.4 points, that has to be infuriating to the Blackies, but c'est la guerre, I guess.

Let's talk about what Coach Leiting did right this week. Everything. He may have had to start Mark Sanchez, but in each position, his lowest-scoring player sat safely on the bench. That may have had a lot to do with limited options (Fred Jackson and Aaron Hernandez are out, while Justin Blackmon is a waste of even a bench slot). Even his underachieving Packers defense (4 points) and kicker Matt Bryant (3 points) were expected to do better than they did.

Boner of the week: The entire city of San Diego, which of course in German means "A Whale's Vagina"


Madison Banana Hammocks (0-2) vs. Waukesha Claymakers (0-2)
                   175                                                     110.5           

In a battle for the basement, the Claymakers never seemed to have a chance.  It didn't help that the Satanic Mr. Pibb can running the Nut Nappers, put together a lineup that scored a league high 175 points.  

This is a child's drawing of the Hammocks Head Coach

Mike Wallace and Heath Miller scored almost 50% of the points for the Pottery Barns (52.4 points).  Aaron Rodgers continues to poop all over coach Derr's hopes for a playoff run, and Alex Smith hasn't been helping either.  If I was the coach I would offer some sort of...bounty, to make the team play better, you know.  Maybe offer them some money, drugs, or hookers in exchange for good play.  Or in the case of his defense (who scored -5 points), maybe you offer those things if they knock out another teams player.  That is kosher, right? 

And on the other sideline, the ghost of Davy Jones came out of his closet  locker to haunt his team to victory.  While Jay Cutler has been a disappointment from coming to Madison from Lansing, the rest of the team really picked up his tear soaked diaper.  A.J. Green was the teams leading scorer with 34.4 points, while MJD was a close second with 27.3.

Let's be real, no one actually watched this game.  These two teams are nothing more than turds circling the proverbial bowl.  If you wasted your time watching this game, may Moses have mercy on your soul.  The only thing entertaining about this game, watching Coach Blake try to throw knives across the field to puncture the Pibb can.  After the game I asked him why:

To release all of the tortured souls trapped inside.  And also to try and kill Davy a second time.  He would have understood.   

There was only one tortured soul in this game, and it was he who cast the first knife.

Boner of the Week (so far the front runner for Boner of the Month): Patriots D/ST (-5 points)

Game of the Week:

Sandusky Disciples(2-0) vs. Clam Faces(2-0)

        152.9                                  138.2

This weeks featured game was a battle of unbeatens, and only one was left standing.  Not ironically, it was the team mascot with legs. 

The Sandusky Shower Worshipers looked dead in the water for most of this game, until the Clam Faces made a fatal error...they brought soap on a rope instead of a loofa.  That error opened the door for the Church of NAMBLA to take control late and stand alone as the only undefeated team left in the league. 

While Coach Sweens team did not perform poorly, they just needed more from TE stud Rob Gronkowski, who was outscored by opposing TE, and mid-week acquisition, Dennis Pitta.  Both teams QB's, RB's, and WR's combined to score almost identical points  (47.6 - 50.8, 33.4 - 27.9, 36.8 - 35.4).  It all came down to TE, D/ST, and the Kicker.  Coach B. Tiberius Sweeney's team  took the upper hand in the kicking game, but lost their shorts on D/ST.  No one wants to be losing their shorts around Coach LO Jr's team. 

The two teams matched each other punch for punch, but the Sandusky Disciples favorite position (get it, tight...end....it's a sodomy joke) was the difference between 3-0 and 2-1.  Pitta scored 16 points, while Gronk only mustered 4.1 for a difference of 11.9 points.  The SD's only won this game by 14.7 points. 

After the game we got a sound byte from Coach Olsen, the Junior:

Well Sweeney, the better man won.  I hope that your tears make their way into ever meal you eat the rest of this week, loser.  The amount of sodium you ingest should be enough to cause some sort of kidney condition, so you may want to see a doctor before your next game.  You may talk tough, but you take it like a fat, loose, lazy bitch.  And I mean that with all due respect.  Word to the wise, try not to drop the soap next time....

Boner of the Week: Steelers D/ST (2 pts)

Anyway, good job all, and you all suck.


True to form and tradition, here are a couple of football bimbos for your enjoyment: