On the gridiron, as in life, nothing is certain. You wake up one day and are on the top of the heap, the very next day you could find yourself foraging through garbage bags for bread crust. Such was the 2012 season in the West Wilson Street Revival League. The two teams who found themselves sleeping under cardboard roofs in 2011, now find themselves in the hunt for our sports ultimate prize...The Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy.
This weekend, we will be without our two division winners. The Philadelphia Butt Pirates found a way to secure their 3rd consecutive Eastern Division Title, whilst the Sandusky Disciples won their final 5 games to overcome the Rochester Spinning Cosmos and hoist the Western Division crown.
In the final week of the season, there was a match-up that made Hulk Hogan look like Richard Simmons. The Kenosha Fighting Dildos, lead by fearless silver fox Louis Olsen Sr. III took to the field to dismantle the Lansing Clam Faces and Capt. Brian Tiberius Sweeney. When all was said and done, and only 75 fans were killed in the post game riots, the Dildos walked away with victory...and a ticket into the greatest tournament known to about 17 people.
This weekend, we will be fortunate enough to watch two teams quest come to an end, and two others carry their banner onward. Who will march forward? Who will cry themselves to sleep on their Scooby-Doo pillow cases? That is what I am here for. To help you better understand these four possible Ryan Leaf Champions and the taint saturating pressure they face.
Kenosha Fighting Dildos vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
One team has earned its place in this game by entrusting it's well being to a can of Satan soda pop. The other team is here because it fought through the blistering power of the Clam Face. Their season series was a draw, with each team winning once.
The Fighting Dildos are already in playoff mode. Last weekend, they proved that they had the testicular fortitude and their coach had the gray pubes to lead them through any obstacle thrown their way. This team is lead by the brothers Manning, and the WR duo of Brandon Marshall and Victor Cruz. What will truly determine the postseason fate of Kenosha's favorite sex toys, will be the production from RB's Chris Johnson and DeMarco Murray. Murray is the real wild card in this game. If he can produce like he did prior to his injury, this could be one of the finest waiver pick ups in the history of this storied league. The biggest obstacle for the Dildos is themselves. Many of their losses and shortcomings this season were self-inflicted. In this match-up, I think that Dildo on Dildo violence could be what decides this game.
Meanwhile, the home team, has brought Madison it's second consecutive playoff berth (The Srotum Smashers delivered the Ryan Leaf Trophy in 2011). And you better believe that "Mad-Town" is hungry for more parades. This team also has added incentive, losing former coach and General Manager Davy Jones this past off-season. In a surprise move, the team hired a demonically possessed un-opened Mr. Pibb soda can to coach the team. A move that was initially mocked by the league and writers on this illustrious site. In hindsight, the move has put the Banana Hammocks in position to reach the summit of Ryan Leaf mountain. This WR core is the strongest in the league, by far: Hakeem Nicks, AJ Green, Dez Bryant, and Tony Gonzalez at TE. Where this team should be concerned, QB and RB; Carson Palmer, Colin Kaepernick, and Michael Turner. They do however possess (pun intended) Adrian Peterson, who has benefited greatly from Satan's knee replacement juice. If the Hammocks want to win this game, they will need their QB's to stay in range of the Manning boys. It is really as simple as that. Beat the Mannings and you beat the Dildos.
ESPN Projection: Dildos 191 vs Hammocks 176
Morgan Freeman Projection: Hammocks upset the favored Dildos 158 - 149
K-Town Bootleggers vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
During the regular season, the Cosmos won both match ups by a combined 38.5 points. In my estimation, that puts all of the pressure on the Cosmos. To defeat a division opponent twice in a season is a daunting task, defeating them three times...well that is an act of me (see Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty...on second thought, just see Bruce Almighty).
The Bootleggers did not have the type of season they were hoping for. Skipper Nick Lightning, had hoped to retain their Western Division title from 2011. The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. The Booties season was stuffed with peril, like a turkey or an Easter Island conga line. Mostly due to injuries. In fact, aside from his QB's and Calvin Johnson almost every player on his roster has missed at least one game due to injury. Currently, franchise star LeSean McCoy sits on the shelf for this weeks game. Luckily, the core of this team was strong enough to fend off the reigning champs for the final playoff spot in the West. If the Bootleggers want to defeat the Cosmos this weekend, they need consistency from top to power bottom. Having one player score 20 points and another score 4 will not be enough to cast off the shackles that Coach Cozine and company have placed on the Moonshiners in 2012. But with Calvin Johnson on your roster, you can never count out a 40 point outburst. And those types of performances are much more in Coach Lightnings favor, than his counterparts.
Just five weeks ago, it would have been impossible to fathom that the city of Rochester would be gearing up for a game this weekend. With 5 weeks to go and a 4 game lead in the division, it was as good as theirs...but things change. Over the past few weeks, the Spinning Cosmos have lost some of their rotation. In the past 3 weeks, the Cosmos are 1-2 with their only win coming in a .1 point victory over the 1-12 Affirmative Blacktion. In order for the Cosmos season to not end in a big pool of bitter cunt juice, they need Tony Romo and Joe Flacco to play up to their potential. The RB situation is a lost cause, with BJGE and Shonne Greene as your starters. Eric Decker, Reggie Wayne, and Lance Moore are really the best thing the Cosmos have going for them right now. While Decker has disappointed since being picked in the 2nd round of this years draft, he still has a strong upside. The Cosmos also have very serious injury issues; Michael Vick, Darren McFadden, and Jordy Nelson are all out for this weekends game. If the Cosmos want any chance of winning this game, it will come down to Tony Romo and a surprise from one of his RB's...otherwise I fear Rochester will be soaked in disgusting cunt juice.
ESPN Projection: Bootleggers 186 vs. Cosmos 155
Morgan Freeman Projection: Bootleggers overcome their injuries to win 172 - 141
Be sure to check back closer to the weekend, as we bury our dead. Obituaries for the 4 teams without a meaningful game left to play this season, will be posted in the coming days. You won't want to miss it, unless you are dead.
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