Week 8 Recap: Everything's Coming Up Roethlisberger

By Lou Olsen

The title this week is based on nothing more than Big Ben "The Bathroom Rapist" Roethlisberger dropping 56.8 points this weekend.  I don't know if we have seen a score like this since that one time Doug Martin dropped 50 points in his rookie season.  Just so you all know, that neanderthal threw for 522 yards and 6 TDs.  Because of this little explosion in production, he is now a Top 10 fantasy QB.  I never thought I would see the day...

Enough about that pervert.  Overall this week was one of the highest scoring I think this league has ever had.  Only two teams scored less than 150 points!!  We had one team score over 200, and three more scored at least 175 points!!  It's nice to see that we are all finally figuring out how to score points, even if it is in a losing effort (sorry, Sweeney).  Coach Gingervitis and Coach Lightning continue their collision course towards an easy ticket to the postseason dance, while the rest of the division continues to play leap frog for the final spot.  And then there is the West division....who totally blows green puffy donkey dicks.  Uhhh, and the injuries just keep coming.  How did your team do this week?


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                    96.6                                                  150.7

"If Wet Cooper was here right now, he would let me pet him.  If Blake was here right now, he would have no choice but to let me pet him...because I beat him like the monkey labia he is.  Now he can go home and sit back in his lounger, sipping on a nice tall glass of porcupine ball sweat...because that is the beverage of losers."  -Coach Olsen the Younger

Let's just get this one out of the way.  Roethlisberger is the reason I won this game, almost single-handedly!  However, I would have won had he only scored 10 points...so tomato tomato (that saying doesn't work in written form, does it?).  Blake won't read this, so what is the point of making fun of him.  His team was bad this week, not one of the two teams to break 150 (let alone 100).  However, even if I thought that Blake would read this, I couldn't be too rough on him since last week I dropped an awe-inspiring 66 points.  I would like to point out that this week I lost 3 starters...for the second time this season, I might add.  Owen Daniels and Reggie Wayne had surgeries on Thursday (out of nowhere!!) and Brian Quick got hurt during Sunday's game.  Luckily, I didn't need them thanks to my pal the Bathroom Molester Extraordinaire!!!  And Blake, if you do on some off-chance read this...I have decided that you should be the one to eat that hippo dick.  Davy is off the hook and you have just inherited the obligatory consumption of one hippo dick of your choice.  It should pair nicely with that glass of porcupine scrotal sweat.



K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS    vs    PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS
                177.6                                                    107.6

"A victory haiku for you:Panties have been dropped / Ravaged beyond all repair / Next triflin' bitch Clams "    -Coach Nick Lightning

Getting all poetic and shit up in this piece!  No one loves a good haiku more than this guy. At least I think that was her name...  Luckily for the Drunken Distributors there were more balls being dropped than panties this week.  If not for Jay Cutler being marginally useful, the Thong Tossers would have slipped well below 100 points this week.  When Justin Tucker (15 pts) outscores every single position player on your roster, you are in some serious trouble -- like, a giraffe trying to hide in a horror movie trouble.  Like a frat boy finding out that he screwed a transvestite trouble.  Even perennial fantasy monster Julius Thomas didn't feel like showing up this week (4.3 pts).  Coach Craig left 86 points on his bench this week, but even if he was allowed to play all of those players, he would have only won by 18 points.  Sometimes you just have to swim through a tube of shit to get to freedom.  The Shawshank Redemption taught me that.  Not entirely sure where I was going with that...but it was meant for Craig...hmm.  Your team is a tube of human feces, urine, and probably some feminine napkins (hint hint wink wink)...I guess?  Meanwhile, the always-belligerent Coach Prick Lighting continues to just beat the shit of any non-ginger opponent.  But as always, he will fuck us up all season long and then the first chance he gets in the playoffs he will let us pulverize his rectum for a change.  So go ahead you drunk sodomite, destroy us all when it only moderately matters...because the day of reckoning is close at hand...preferably the jerking off hand...  

-NIGHTCRAWLER-    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
           169                                                     159.4

"We played our hearts out, but as a coach, I can still do better.  We may have scored 169 points, but I still left one point on the bench.  ONE FULL POINT.  On defense.  First, who keeps a backup defense? And second, who doesn't play the better one?  That's it. I'm considering retiring.  Wait, let me reconsider.  So Lou, either III or IV, your telling me that I'm tied for last place in the East, but if I was in the West, you'd say I was leading the pack?  But yet if I keep up my pace and beat all those West ass-holes, I still won't make the playoffs?  Hmm.."    -Actually Coach Kurt Wagner

And yes Davy, that is exactly what I am saying.  I am leading the West division by a whole game and I am 4-4.  So if you were in my division this year, you would be a god amongst mortals.  Instead you have to settle for being  in last place of the best division the league has ever seen.  Those are the breaks nerd.  And you beating Tyson, all you did was make it worse on yourself because Tyno is in line to make the playoffs at 3-5.  Moving on,  I have never seen a blue circus mutant so depressed after a win.  And against a familiar foe, no less.  Tyson's army of Scrotal Soldiers had a hell of a week, but it wasn't hella enough.  Trent Richardson dropping a goose egg is really the only story of this game.  When one of your primary RB's doesn't even touch the ball because of a previously undiagnosed or mentioned hamstring injury, that just blows.  That's such bad luck that I can only surmise a leprechaun snuck into Tyson's house on Saturday night and rubbed his taint all over Tyno's rugged facial features.  Nothing is worse luck than a Leprechaun's taint.  Had Richardson scored 10 points, it would have resulted in someone's blue teleporting scrotum being ripped to smithereens.  Instead, Davy conjured up his Leprechaun minion, Danny O'Shileleigh, to head to Madison and rub his taint all over Tyson's face holes.  I'm curious Tyson...does Leprechaun taint taste like a salty Shamrock shake, or does it taste more like Lucky Charms with a little sea salt?


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                 175.4                                                  162

"Another solid showing by the team...except Geno. Apparently, Carson starting at QB2 was too much for him. Frankly, I'm not sure why he's on the field after Sunday's showing. *someone whispers in Coach Kinzie's ear* Wait. He's where? *more whispering* Ladies and gentlemen of the press, Geno Smith has voluntarily left the team to pursue a career in naked bobsledding. Not something you get the opportunity to witness very often. Must be Coach Cozine's influence... Yes, well... Good day."    -Coach Chucky

Chuckle McFuckle got one thing right, the Spooge Cups seem to have figured shit out. For the second straight week, the newly over-dedicated Coach Coziney put out a terrific lineup only to fall short.  The game looks like it was pretty close, but also keep in mind that Charlie's D/ST threw up a 0.  But you see kids, when your WR's combine to score almost 90 points between them...your defense can knit a sweater out of some Romanian man's pubes and it won't make one fucking iota of difference.  For the second straight week, Coach Cozy had to be forcibly removed from the field of play...only furthering his new persona as the most involved and intense coach in the league.  He screamed, he shouted, I even think I saw him eating a live squirrel at one point and then smearing the blood all over his face.  There were tazers, mace, and I also think I saw some rubber bullets fired at close range.  Dan Cozine flinched not.  On the other sideline, the Ginger of our discontent sat in a lounger sipping on fine scotch and swatting flies with a newspaper...I assumed it was the New York Times because he is not a heathen.  He also had one of those amazing mini-umbrella hats to shield his fair, supple skin from the sun.    With 5 games left, these two teams could not be on different ends of the spectrum.  The Brown Eye Brigade is almost a lock at this point to make the postseason, while the Spunk Receptacles are almost a lock to get a new name next season.  Then again...playing in the West Division, anything could happen.


KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                     207.9                                                   180.3

"I'm not a religious person, but the world would be a better place if we could all play Sweeney every week."    - Coach Olsen the Senior....Citizen

That was short, sweet, and in no way had anything to do with any religion.  Scoring 180 points and losing is a tough pill to deposit into ones rectum.  Scoring 207 points and only winning by 27 has to feel like that first piss of the day...it's all down hill from there.  This was an amazing game that I actually kept track of on Sunday.  Almost half of the players involved in this game scored over 20 points (9/20) and two of those scored over 40 (Gronkowski and Maclin).  While the Simulated Sex Shlongers got the two big scorers, the Dusty Clams had solid contribution from every roster spot.  All of the boner scorers in this game were actually on the winning side (Tre Mason's 4.3 pts and Steve Smith's 6.5 pts).  That means that my old man got 10 points total from two key position players and still rolled out 200 points!!!  Unfortunately, AARP member number 873990-10 is in the East Division and scratching to get that 3rd and final playoff spot.  Even though the Sandy Chowders are 2-6, they play in the West and could easily make the playoffs.

However...they do have to start winning eventually, because (I can't believe I am typing this) they are only one game ahead of the Spooge Cups for being renamed in 2015.  Yikes!



 

Week 7 Recap: A Return to Normalcy

By Lou Olsen

Well it was nice to see the comment board light up this week, as well as getting some individual responses from most of you.  Thank you to almost everyone for finally throwing down some trash talk, or in certain cases adjusting your settings to make sure you know a trade is being offered.  All bullshit and joking aside, I don't want you guys to feel like I am forcing fun.  I just miss how the league used to be and if that pisses you off, I am truly sorry.

This week in the league we featured plenty of good old-fashioned family-friendly sodomy. The closest game was about 18 points.  There were two teams who might as well have just called in sick (Craig and I), another loss for a team who scored over 150 points, and the Butt Pirates continued their quest for the perfect anal cavity.  We also have some pretty fantastic quotes from the winning coaches...


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS  
                  80.9                                                          126.9

"Anyone can deal with victory. Only the mighty can bare their dick in defeat."   -Lou Olsen Sr.

My Dad is the fucking Plato of flashing your dick after a loss...I guess.  It's going to be hard for me to rip on Craig since he outscored me by a dozen or so.  Thankfully, Craig losing again keeps us tied for 1st place at 3-4 (jealous?).  This was essentially the Peyton and Tony show, as Manning and Homo Romo combined for almost 65 points.  The rest of the Boxing Boners could not have been limper (combined for 62.6).  Maybe this QB scoring vote is important after all...who knew that the Ginger was actually doing a good job keeping the league competitive?  Like I said before, I can't make too much fun of Craig for his team's pathetic display this weekend because compared to my team the Panty Droppers look like the '72 Dolphins.  Although...starting Calvin Johnson was not a great call, but I imagine you were balls deep in a squealing Latvian by the time that news came out on Sunday.  Stop humping Europeans for one Sunday, Craig!!  Is that too much to ask?  Granted, this weekend it wouldn't have made a difference since your bench WRs only scored 7 points, but out of courtesy to those of us not sampling the poontang of foreign lands, just take a weekend off.  And Dad, I look forward to you baring your dick in defeat next week.  Just do it at your house.  Please don't come over to my house next Tuesday...   


KENO MUFF BUSTERS    vs    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES
              66.5                                                  158.2

"Well, uh... Don't exactly know what to say about this game. A disappointing win. In young master Lou's defense, he showed up. That's about it. Can't say as much for his Vag-Blasters. All I can credit them with are the steamy piles of poo they left on the field. Now it's on to the Semen Pails. Let's hope they show up, with or with out Coach Cozine."  - Coach Charles the Ginger

Charlie is right. This game was never close. My team could not possibly have been worse. The Ravens D/ST was my second highest scoring "player" with 14 points. My bench scored 55.7 points...So, in honor of being completely and totally fist fucked, here are some nice things to say about Gingers: Ron Howard, Ron Howard's daughter, Ginjas (red-headed ninjas), gingers are scientifically proven to be harder to sedate than us normies, in the 16th Century fat red-headed men were a prime ingredient in poisons, bees are thought to sting red-heads more than others, in Denmark it is an "honor" to have a ginger baby, Lichtenstein's painting of a red-haired man fetched $42.6M at auction in 2010, red hair never goes gray...it goes blond and then white, and Christina Hendricks.  This game was a blowout, so this is all I've got.

 


ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS
                     125.8                                                 157.1 

"As a token of gratitude for coach Cozine at least fielding a team that put forth some effort, my guys left him a chalice filled with many potential civilizations.  Almost everyone contributed so he might actually know what victory tastes like as he guzzles down his consolation prize.  Dez said he was "empty" because he did three bitches on the walk to the locker room from the field and Randall declined because he's too classy.  Dez mentioned his excitement at playing the Panty Droppers referring to his expertise in the area...put him down for 30 points next week."  - Coach Nick Lightning

Not only did Coach Cozine show up this week, his face was painted, he was covered head to toe in team colors (cream and plastic), and refused to leave the sidelines...even after the game was over.  Seriously, police had to come and formally escort him off of the premises. Mace was involved and possibly some tasering.  We can call his teams many things, but we can no longer accuse Dan of not being there for his team.  To be fair, it was really just three players who sunk the Cum Dumpsters' ship (Fred Jackson [5.8], Ben Tate [4.4], and Larry Fitzgerald [6.1]).  The rest of the team looked like an actual fantasy football team.  Meanwhile, Drunk Lightnin' continues to pummel each and every one of us in the regular season on his way to a first-round exit from the playoffs.  Because at the rate things are going, the Cowboys will have locked up their division by week 14, which means Dez Bryant and DeMarco Murray could be spectators come playoff time.  You have Randall Cobb too?!?!?  You are so dicked, Nick. Enjoy the regular season, because the postseason spells nothing but trouble for you my friend.  Although, even a retarded squirrel finds a nut every now and again.   

MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS    vs    WAUKESHA WET COOPERS

                      146.1                                                           128.8

"I hope Blake enjoyed watching Rodgers tear his team another anal fissure, something all Wet Coopers should be familiar with."  - Coach Tyno Tyson

The Testicular Torturers finally got a win during this impressive scoring stretch, and they did it against a very strong Soggy Dogs team.  Since Blake will probably never read this...who gives a shit about him and his team.  Let's talk about Tyson.  Aaron Rodgers and Le'Veon Bell are crushing right now.  It is easy to win when you have two of the most consistent scorers in the league, but Tyson is doing it with a pretty rag tag supporting cast.  Trent Richardson has emerged as a perfectly serviceable RB2, as has Reuben Randle as a great WR2.  The only thing that could hurt Tyson's chances of winning the East division and getting back to the Ryan Leaf Title Game is blowing his load too soon.  Being hot too early can come back to haunt you.  Just ask the other Nick in our league.  It is always enticing to rip someone a new anal fissure and then spray your baby batter all over it in celebration...but it can come back to haunt you.  However, before too long I imagine the Scrotum Smashers will take control of the East and make the playoffs with relative ease (all he has to do is hold of Craig, Sweeney, Cozine, and myself).  That should be easy enough.  On the off chance that Blake does actually give two shits about any of this...hey Blake, "Wet Cooper" was a phrase coined by Tyson while we were out at Sweeney's cabin over 4th of July when you were invited but didn't come.  There was a black dog there named Cooper, who loved to swim in the lake.  Tyson, Sweeney, Davy, and I were standing around talking about how a Wet Cooper sounded like a filthy sex act.  It was at that point we decided to name your team the Wet Coopers.  It was supposed to infuriate you and alienate you at the same time...which I think has been a rousing success.


SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs    -NIGHTCRAWLER-
                 154                                              174.7

"My name is Davy.  I like to have large objects inserted into my rectum and urethra.  Things like forks, snakes, telephone cords, ancient jungle relics, pottery, lawn tools, Jenga pieces, light bulbs, various sea anemones, vintage action figures, and bottles with model boats inside of them."   - Coach Kurt Wagner  

It is a huge statement when you drop almost 175 on your opponent.  It's even bigger when your opponent scores over 150 points in the same week.  I never thought that Russell Wilson would be a viable fantasy QB, but for the 2nd straight week the guy drops over 35 fantasy points.  For Sweeney this game came down to one position call, leaving Ronnie Hillman on the bench in favor of Oliver...the Clam Cakes left 16.5 extra points on the bench.  Even though it wouldn't have been enough to win, it would have been enough to give us one exciting game.  It also didn't help that Andy Dalton thought that he was supposed to only do running plays this week (5 pts).  Even though the Clam Faces were able to put together one of their better performances of the season, they still find themselves with blue circus freak goop all over their clam faces.  And Davy continues to ride the inconsistency pony. Luckily for him, this week was an up week.

Week 6 Re-Cap: Sucking the Weeks Dong

by: Lou Olsen

This week, I am the one who re-caps...(are Breaking Bad references still relevant?)

A couple of serious injuries and injury news stole the show this week.  Victor Cruz is gone for the season, Darren Sproles is out for a few weeks, Calvin Johnson and Jimmy Graham both continue to ride the injury wave.  If you have any of those players...you are probably sucking some urethra casings.  If you escaped the injury bug again, you are probably Ginger.

At the "almost halfway" point (which is what I plan on calling the autobiography I am writing about Dan's fantasy football odyssey), it is pretty clear that the East is the better division.  It also looks like Blake is sick of having his teams named, as he sits in 3rd place at 4-2.  Meanwhile in the West, I have lost 3 straight games and remain in 1st place, so a special thank you to Craig, Tyson, Sweeney, and the Spooge Cozine for making these loses only hurt a little.

But the only real question we need to answer is, "HOW DID MY DAD LOSE TO DAN AND THE SPOOGE CUPS?!?!?!?"  Dad, I am so sorry but you are never going to live this down.  Even if you come back and somehow win the Ryan Leaf Trophy, you will always be the guy who lost to the worst team this league has ever seen.  This is the equivalent of losing a game of basketball to a 5 year old.  You basically tried to steal candy from a baby, but the baby ripped your throat out with its bare-hands.  I am so ashamed of you, that I may have to change my name to Olson with an O...I knew that someone could fall to Dan, but not someone in my own bloodline.  This is one of those moments where I understand why Samurai's would perform seppuku after shaming their families.  For fuck's sake Dad...

Let's start with the shocker of the week...


KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS    vs    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                      122                                                          143.6

I can't believe I had to finally highlight the Spooge Cups in blue...but it has happened.  Dan's gang of rag-tag auto-picks, somehow scored enough points to win a game.  This was a game that looked like a done deal going into last night.  Then Colin Kaepernick scored 35.4 points for the Baby Batter Beer Steins and Frank Gore scored 3.8 points for the Punching Penis Toys.  Just like that, Dan can relax knowing that he will still probably end up in last place but not winless...and in last place.  As for my father and his incredible cavalcade of under-performers...this week was simply a microcosm of their season in a nutshell.  They blew stegosaurus balls.  His two starting RB's and WR's combined for less than 20 points.  In fact, Steve Smith outscored those four primary players from the Flex position (22 pts).  In fairness, the Spooge Cups may never get this kind of production again.  Dan's Knuckle Children had four 20 point performers, and two more in double-digits.  You can look at this two ways: 1) This was the perfect Semen Storm or 2) It was a merciful gift from the fantasy football gods who wish for our league to never suffer the turmoils of an "0-for" season.  Either way, this week...the Dildos were covered in Dan's baby making DNA and we now have a new whipping boy.  Sorry Pops.   Player of the Game: Colin Kaepernick  (35.4)    Boner of the Game:  Wes Welker (1.6)


K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS    vs    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                 146.8                                                119.8

This week the Bootleggers continued their quest for postseason disappointment, as they continue to kick the regular seasons' ass (unless it is a freckled ginger ass).  Meanwhile, the Kooch Kickers fall for the 3rd straight week due to Monday Night Football performances (or lack thereof).  Perhaps I should stop playing players who will go on Monday night, because for 3 straight weeks that has completely mushroom stamped me right across the forehead (so you don't have to look it up, that means a dick across my face).  Dick Lightning is a great regular season coach, who knows how to draft.  Luckily for us, none of that will matter once the playoffs arrive because his team will shrivel up like a dick fresh out da pool.  His team is so good right now, that one of his QB's only scored 2.6 points and he still beat me by almost 30 points.  In my opinion, he is the only one who can end the Ginger's reign of undefeated...ness.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a team lead by Jay Cutler would be this good...I have imagined a pelican dressed like a pickle fighting off monkeys with a silenced PP-7 (a la Goldeneye), but not Cutler leading teams to victory.  Nice job Nick, but enjoy it while it lasts...your iceberg is right ahead, Titanic.  Player of the Game: Philip Rivers (31.8)    Boner of the Game: Brian Quick (2)


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                     153.3                                                  142.6

It is nice to see that it only takes two seasons of being the worst to get your ass in gear (take note Cozine).  The soggy Bradley Cooper's rattled off another impressive win, on a week when his opponent played what might be his best game.  Coach Sweeny-CaCa led his team to an admirable loss, but a loss none the less.  Luckily for the Faceless...Faces...they play in a division with the Spooge Cups who are doomed to be re-named in 2015.  However, going from Championship season to cellar dweller is rough, I know.  (For those of you following along at home, I won the very first Ryan Leaf Trophy then came out the next year and sprayed diarrhea all over the place and got re-named the Sandusky Disciples.)  So it could certainly be worse for the Clam Faces, one of the more recognizable brands in the league.  But enough about losers, how about Blake Derr-de-Derr.  Maybe we should name your teams after inside jokes you don't understand every year!  Seriously though, good on you for sticking with Tom Brady who paid HUGE dividends this week (38.7 pts).  And, for reasons I may never comprehend, you chose to start Mohamed Sanu over Edelman and Sammy Watkins...but your crystal ball was right, as Sanu was a monster (28 pts).  Next week the Clam Faces will get a breather, as they take on -Nightcrawler- and the H2O Coops get to play a flailing Scrotum Smashers club.  Player of the Game: Tom Brady (38.7)    Boner of the Game: Eddie Lacy (4)

Gayest photo of Nightcrawler available

-NIGHTCRAWLER-    vs    PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS
            115                                                114.2

This is one of the closest games we have had in a good while.  I liken this game to two homeless men fighting over a three-day old tuna fish sandwich.  The two lowest scoring teams in the league attempting to suck just slightly less than their opponent.  Coach Davy (who owes me one consumed hippo dick) was saved by good old-fashioned Luck (pun...100% intended).  Andrew Luck's 30.6 points absolutely saved his ass this week.  I don't care if you are a blue, circus freak, with the ability to teleport...your team blows.  And don't forget about eating that hippo dick!  Craig's Undie Droppers did not live up to their name sake this week.  No one is dropping Panties for the low scorer of the week.  Sorry Moylan, I don't make the rules...the ladies do.  Women, historically, will not drop the chastity belt for some pathetic sack of bar fly (which is essentially what your team was this week).  Other than Giovanni Bernard, your team was Alaska. (a cold, frigid wasteland that no one in their right mind would care to be a part of).  Perhaps you should stop collecting panties from every continent and focus on not losing to teams like -Nightcrawler-.  For fuck's sake, his team is named after an X-Men character who wasn't even good enough to bring back for the 3rd X-Men movie...and that thing was a total piece of shit.  Plus the team is coached by Davy!  The only type of panties getting dropped this week were the ones soiled by a weekend of Coors Light, cotton candy flavored Vodka., and chili dogs.    Player of the Game: Who ever got that extra 0.8 pts for Davy    Boner of the Game: Pick one -- Matt Asiata (2.3), Steven Jackson (2.5), or DeAndre Hopkins (2.2)


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
                 190.8                                                          164.4

I saved this one for last because I wanted their to be some suspense involving the outcome of the leagues most hated team and manager...and for once I am not talking about Tyson.  Chucka McGingersnaps continues to beat us all...mercilessly.  This game really sucked for old Tyno, because he would have beaten every other team in the league this week.  Sorry to twist that knife pal...but it's important to know that your team showed up to try and take down the Freckled Empire.  All fooling aside, Charlie's team fucking threw down a gauntlet this week.  Cam Newton and Matt Forte each scored over 35 points, and only 3 positions did not score in double-digits.  Even with TY Hilton and Aaron Rodgers putting up over 30 points, the Teste Torturers just couldn't match the fire-crotch power.  Not sure what else to say about this match-up.  The Ginger wins again, Tyson continues to be the best worst team in the league.  Who will rise up to take down the Freckles of injustice?  Who among us is brave enough to repel his flaming pubic hairs of dominance?  There must be someone who can vanquish the sun-loathing beast which threatens our way of life!   Player of the Game: Cam "The Ma'am" Newton (38.1)    Boner of the Game: Chris Ivory (3.1)

Fantasy 451 Midterm Exam

Well, beloved Wilsonites, we're almost halfway through the season. Some of you are godawful, some of you are lukewarm porridge and a couple of you are genuinely scary. Charles is pretty much killing it, and since I want to truly terrify this Halloween, I'll be dressing up as the Rochester Spooge Cups. Mortifying. -Ly bad. Let's take a look at where each team stands at the midpoint of the season. A midterm exam, if you will.

Rochester Spooge Cups (0-6)

Cozine's draft strategy

Ravaged by injury and a coach's very low interest in the team, the Spooge Cups are this year's "Major League" Cleveland Indians. What a band of misfits. It's almost as if Coach Cozine were aiming for the first pick in the draft. Is this another "Suck for Luck" campaign? Maybe the lone Minnesota member of our troupe has something up his sleeve. With starters Mike Glennon, Darren McFadden and Wes Welker, it's hard to believe he knows something we don't. Winless since jump street, Coach Cozine has a good chance of finishing out the season as our storied league's first 0-fer season. And if that proves to be an impossible dream, may God have mercy on the poor bastard who loses to this sad squad. Thank Jeebus his Gophers are winning, for his sanity's sake. Oh, and happy birthday, Dan!

Boston Butt Pirates (6-0)

On the other hand you've got your Boston Buttholes, who seem poised to run the table this year. He has done so thus far despite a lackluster performance from Cam Newton and sans Carson "Darn Decent" Palmer. Matt Forte may end up atop the heap this year in terms of fantasy points, and this Bears-loving coach must be sporting wood from sunup to sundown due to the real-life and fantasy confluence. The injury to stud RB Rashad Jennings may hamper Chuck's progress, especially since backup RB Andre Williams hasn't lived up to the hype, but Kinzie's squad is the league's fiercest competition. Good luck facing him.

K-Town Bootleggers (5-1 OR 4-2)

The next toughest team in our fair league is Coach Leiting's Bootleggers. They're currently neck-and-neck with Little Lou's Muff Busters in this week's contest; the results pending the results of Monday Night Football. The 'Leggers have thus far relied on DeMarco Murray and his ultra-heavy workload for the Cowboys. In addition, Jay Cutler, Dez Bryant and Mike Wallace have propelled this team to a strong start in 2014. With the only weakness here at RB depth, his team may get the boost it needs to be a true powerhouse if Shane Vereen takes over the New England backfield due to Stevan Ridley's season-ending injury.

Five touchdowns.

Waukesha Wet Coopers (4-2)

Blake might just make the jump from cellar to playoffs this year at this pace. With a change from the 75-hour work week to a mere 55-hour one, the good CPA now has time to adjust his roster from time to time. It's a move that's paid off for him, since his daughter now recognizes his face and his team is above .500 for the first time in a long time. Tom Brady and LeSean McCoy seem to have awoken from some kind of enchanted slumber, so they should be formidable for the remainder of the season. Somehow, backup QB Joe Flacco scored five first-half touchdowns, so Coach Derr will have to wrangle with some tempting, but probably ill-advised roster moves in the upcoming weeks. Will he falter? Time shall tell.

Keno Muff Busters (4-2 OR 3-3)

If he should prevail against the Bootleggers this week, Lil' Lou will improve to a respectable 4-2 record. Strong play from Philip Rivers has buoyed the Muffs, and Marshawn Lynch has predictably kicked ass every week thus far (except this one, strangely). A mid-season pickup of St. Louis' de-facto no. 1 receiver Brian Quick was just what Lou needed to put this team into real contention. This week, however, the Busters lost Victor Cruz for the season and news emerged of a possible two-game stretch without fantasy super-stud Jimmy Graham. Can Coach Olsen weather the storm? The outcome of this week's matchup looms large over this squad.

Emphasis on "Senior"

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos (3-3)

Our other Lou Olsen squad has roared out of the gate to an uninspiring 3-3 start (assuming he beats the Spooge Cups tonight). Like walking on a treadmill, starting out at .500 is really not going to get you anywhere in life. Led by Peyton, A.J. and Steve "Nice Surprise" Smith, this team has potential, but is not without its issues. Sproles can't serve as an every-week RB, but Lou wisely traded for Zac Stacy in recent weeks. A.J. Green is experiencing a similar injury to Roddy White's 2013 ailment that essentially neutralized him for the entire season and Percy Harvin can't seem to break out. New York Football Giant Odell Beckham, Jr. may see a nice boost in the absence of Victor Cruz, which could really help this Dildo team, which appears to be balancing on knife's edge.

Pacific Panty Droppers (3-3)

It's a wonder Coach Moylan has ascended to even such pedestrian heights with his constant globetrotting. How does this guy find the wi-fi to manage his team abroad? Kudos to him -- he may be truly living the dream. Aside from this week's 0.8-point loss to Kurtily Wiggleton, the team has performed admirably. Julius and Gio pretty much kick ass, and while it probably burns Craig to host an ex-Packer, James Jones is coming into form as well. Craig is now probably praying to Allah that Calvin Johnson comes back from his unbelievably shitty start to the season (two decoy games, one sat out and 1+ more on the bench?). Craig needs to choose: ride Calvin or ship him for two starters. His season hangs in the balance.

Fumblerooski.

Madison Scrotum Smasher (2-4)

With a loss to the fearsome Ginger Jackass this week, Coach Tyson falls to an embarrassing 2-4. With Rogers, Le'Veon Bell and Matt Ryan, one would expect much more from the Tynosaurus Rex. His starting lineup looks pretty good, rounded out with T.Y., Reuben and Brandon Marshall, so he may vastly improve on his lackluster start. Then again, his team lacks depth in a big way. Dwayne Bowe is averaging under seven points, Bernard Pierce is part of a three-headed monster and Trent Richardson is so godawful I can't believe he's getting paid millions of dollars to "play football." The scrotes had better pull a rabbit out of the hat on the waiver wire or make some moves if they expect to make the playoffs.

-Nightcrawler- (2-4)

Nightcrawler IMPROVES to 2-4 this week after a must-win victory against the Pacific P-Droopers. And he did it without Jamaal Charles. Good on ya, Wagner. Luck has been stellar this year and aside from this week, so has our Badger Baby Boy, Russell Wilson. With Golden Tate taking over for the Lions in Calvin's absence, the Crawlz look pretty good except for some imminent issues at RB. Asiata has been supplanted by Jerrick McKinnon in Minnesota, and Knowshon Moreno's first game back from a fairly awful forearm injury looked just that -- fairly awful. Add to that a supremely underwhelming Donald Brown, and you've got yourself a depth problem. It might be time to make a trade or a genius waiver wire move. THE WORLD IS WATCHING!

Santa Fe Clam Faces (2-4)

Nice fucking earrings/mustache/face, asshole.

What can we say about the REIGNING CHAMPIONS? Do you not quake in fear at the thought of facing this UNSTOPPABLE FORCE? No? Yeah, well, you shouldn't. It seems that maybe Lacy and Ball were the two shittiest options to choose at RB this year aside from those currently on ice for beating women and children. And I picked both of them! Joy! Lacy was ass-bad for the first part of the season and now it looks like he's in for a timeshare with James Starks for some fucking reason. Ball was dismal for the first several games and now he's out for a month. Will he return to the field to average three yards per carry? Oh, please, please I hope he comes back soon! I can't survive without those six points per week!! Add to that Nick Foles kind of sucking, Keenan Allen REALLY sucking, Cordarelle Patterson being perhaps the biggest piece of shit since Ryan Leaf, and I'll just go right ahead and fuck myself. If I make the playoffs, I'll throw a goddamn party. Fuck me.

Week 5 Re-Cap: Butt Hamsters

by: John Travolta

Holy crap, I'm back you guys!  Steven Seagal was out this week with a case of, Hurtus Fellingsus...I had never heard of it before, but I am a Scientologist so I don't need fancy western doctors.  Apparently he contracted it from Coach Nic Tyson this week.  Naturally I asked if Hurtus Feelingsus is the technical term for Ebola, because even L. Ron Hubbard can't save me from that...no matter how much money I give his church.  Luckily the only symptom is having an unusual amount of sand in your vagina, so I hope Lady Seagal gets that beach out of her snatch soon.

Speaking of sand in your snize, this league appears to be the same Alabama Hot Pocket it was when I left two years ago.  What gives?  Did some under-qualified shit weasel take over the league or something?  Well, whatever happened it has made this league a bunch of ass-reaming uncle fuckers. I wish I was the lucky uncle  Well, enough catching up.  Here is how half of you lost this week...



PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                   133.7                                                       128.3

I can hardly believe this is a thing...The Rochester Spooge Cups were one score away from getting their first win of the season!!!  Had Vernon Davis contributed in any way, we could have publicly shamed Coach Craig for the rest of the season.  My vote would have been for public flogging and nude obstacle courses...however, the Alaskan Globetrotter squeaked out a win in the ugliest of fashions.  I mean...the Thong Tossers are 3-2 and tied for the West division lead, but it feels like this is a team that is winning because of other teams inabilities to produce points, but a win is a win!  On the other hand, the Sperm Snifters continue to put a product on the field that would embarrass the XFL.  Through week 5, they have mustered (on average) 112 points per week.  By comparison, the next lowest scoring team is averaging over 120 points per week.  Arian Foster led all scorers with 31.2 pts, while Calvin Johnson and Vernon Davis combined for 1.7 points.  Just to really ram the point home, Vikings Kicker Blair Walsh scored twice as many points as Calvin Johnson (4 pts).  This game went to the dogs...but not like a cool dog...like a hairless chihuahua, or a hamster.  Wait, a hamster isn't a dog...or is it?  Either way, this game went to the hamsters...Richard Gere butt hamsters...  Player of the Game: Arian Foster (31.2)    Boner of the Game: Vernon Davis (0)


SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                167.4                                             128.7

In a re-match of the 2013 Ryan Leaf Championship Game, the result was essentially the same.  After last weeks soul crushing loss, the Gash Gnashers failed to rise to the challenge and sat idly by as they were man-handled by the Clam Faces at home.  Coach Ocean Vagina Face made the coaching decision of the week, when he plugged in the Packers D upon word of Christian Ponder getting the start for the Vikings.  This move resulted in 23 points for the Defense!!  That, paired with Eddie Lacy re-emerging as a solid fantasy back (28.2 pts) and Demariyus Thomas' league leading 42.6 points...lead to an easy victory for the Vagina's of the Sea.  Even though the team has gotten off to a slow start, this was a huge win for the Chowder Crusaders.  With two of the three top spots in the East being taken by Pirates (of the anal and alcoholic persuasion), it looks like 3 teams will be battling for that final spot.  This victory could go a long way to getting this team on track.  Meanwhile, on the other side of the tracks, the Pussy Punishers lose their 2nd game in a row ahead of having to play the Drunken Pirates next week, and the Catholic Priest Pirates the following week.  This was a game they needed to have, but in true Lou Olsen fashion...the team took that opportunity, soaked it in high class urine, painted their whole stadium with the fancy pee, then added dolphin shit accents, all while getting a reach-around from a mythical beast...possibly a centaur.  After the victory, Coach Sweens celebrated by painting a giant erotic mural of himself on the side of Coach Olsen's house...and it looks glorious.  Player of the Game: Demariyus Thomas (42.6)    Boner of the Game: Alfred Morris (3.7)


MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS    vs    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS
                        122.2                                                             143

It must have been hard for the Scrotum Smashers to get up for the game when their Coach has been stricken with a horrific disease.  While it must have been pretty easy for Coach Drunk Lightnin' to kick a team while they are down...because he is an asshole, you see.  The Dangler Destroyers had too many single digit performances to overtake the Booze Cruisers; Trent Richardson (8.7), Chris Ivory (4.4), Brandon Marshall (7.4), Eddie Royal (7), Chicago D (7), and Matt Bryant (8).  So 60% of the team scored 35.5 points, while the reamining 40% produced 86.7 points.  The good news for Coach Tyno and his band of Scrotal Specilaists, is that if the season ended today...they would limp listlessly into the postseason.  Meanwhile, the only team to figure out "What do you do with a drunken sailor?", is the gayest sailor of the semen seas...Chuckles McCommish and the Fanny Bandits.  Right now it is nothing but good news for the B.A.C Brigade...as they keep mowing down the competition...like a single man at a Russian bath house.  In fact, that bath house is probably were Nic contracted Hurtus Feelingsus, so you may want to stay out of your gay friendly neighborhood sex shack bath house.  Player of the Game: Jay Cutler (25.8)    Boner of the Game: Michael Floyd (1.7)


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    -NIGHTCRAWLER-
                     139.3                                              121.7

First of all, I have been away for a while...what the fuck is a Wet Cooper?  Davy, love the name change...like the X-Men character, right?  Although, I do love a good banana hammock.  It's hard to believe a team that started Eli Manning and Joe Flacco won a game, but believe it.  If it wasn't for Russell Wilson's 38.2 points last night, this game would have been a blowout.  Coach Blue German Circus Transporter got half of his total point output from the QB position (59.9 pts from QB's and 121.7 total).  While Blake rode Andre Ellington like the horse he was supposed to be this season (30.4 pts).  Sometimes I wish I was Andre Ellington...  Not a pretty game, but a big win for the...Wet...Coopers....so, is it a joke about Riley Cooper?  Or is it a joke about Bradley Cooper?  I don't get it Blake...get back to me on this.  Kurt "Davy" Wagner got plenty of terrible performances; Jamaal Charles (9.4), Matt Asiata (5.2), Pierre Garcon (4.3), Delanie Walker (8.7), and the Bengals D (-8).  So he has got to be shitting himself today over some of those roster choices.  It wasn't too much better on the other side, but it was enough to sneak out a win.  And all that matters is the W...and that sweet sweet D poon-tang.   Player of the Game: Andre Ellington (30.4)    Boner of the Game: Bengals D/ST (-8)


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS
               150.9                                                    148.9

My how the tables have turned.  Last week, the Fightin' Dildos snuck out a win on the ability (or total lack thereof) of a D/ST to score points.  This week, the game came down to the defense needing to score at least 4.1 points for the win...they scored 2 points, allowing the Butt Pirates to win their closest shave yet.  There is nothing like the feeling of a freshly shaved ass.   This was a victory the Rectal Raiders will happily take, considering starting QB Drew Stanton provided a meager 4.7 points.  Meanwhile the Fightin' Dildos seem to be finding themselves in a lot of these close games and they need to find a way to seal the deal.  When I am out in the club, I usually slip something in their drink.  Peyton Manning's 39 points were nice, but not enough this week.  Even though the Dildo's outscored 7 of the 10 teams in the league this week...they are walking away with a seriously chapped ass.  The Ginger Buccaneers remain undefeated through 5 weeks.  Which leads this queer  closeted gay man  raging 'mo  normal straight man to wonder, is there anyone who can stop their anal tyranny?  And if so, why would they want to?  Player of the Game: Peyton Manning (39)    Boner of the Game: Seahawks D/ST (2)