Fantasy 451 Midterm Exam

Well, beloved Wilsonites, we're almost halfway through the season. Some of you are godawful, some of you are lukewarm porridge and a couple of you are genuinely scary. Charles is pretty much killing it, and since I want to truly terrify this Halloween, I'll be dressing up as the Rochester Spooge Cups. Mortifying. -Ly bad. Let's take a look at where each team stands at the midpoint of the season. A midterm exam, if you will.

Rochester Spooge Cups (0-6)

Cozine's draft strategy

Ravaged by injury and a coach's very low interest in the team, the Spooge Cups are this year's "Major League" Cleveland Indians. What a band of misfits. It's almost as if Coach Cozine were aiming for the first pick in the draft. Is this another "Suck for Luck" campaign? Maybe the lone Minnesota member of our troupe has something up his sleeve. With starters Mike Glennon, Darren McFadden and Wes Welker, it's hard to believe he knows something we don't. Winless since jump street, Coach Cozine has a good chance of finishing out the season as our storied league's first 0-fer season. And if that proves to be an impossible dream, may God have mercy on the poor bastard who loses to this sad squad. Thank Jeebus his Gophers are winning, for his sanity's sake. Oh, and happy birthday, Dan!

Boston Butt Pirates (6-0)

On the other hand you've got your Boston Buttholes, who seem poised to run the table this year. He has done so thus far despite a lackluster performance from Cam Newton and sans Carson "Darn Decent" Palmer. Matt Forte may end up atop the heap this year in terms of fantasy points, and this Bears-loving coach must be sporting wood from sunup to sundown due to the real-life and fantasy confluence. The injury to stud RB Rashad Jennings may hamper Chuck's progress, especially since backup RB Andre Williams hasn't lived up to the hype, but Kinzie's squad is the league's fiercest competition. Good luck facing him.

K-Town Bootleggers (5-1 OR 4-2)

The next toughest team in our fair league is Coach Leiting's Bootleggers. They're currently neck-and-neck with Little Lou's Muff Busters in this week's contest; the results pending the results of Monday Night Football. The 'Leggers have thus far relied on DeMarco Murray and his ultra-heavy workload for the Cowboys. In addition, Jay Cutler, Dez Bryant and Mike Wallace have propelled this team to a strong start in 2014. With the only weakness here at RB depth, his team may get the boost it needs to be a true powerhouse if Shane Vereen takes over the New England backfield due to Stevan Ridley's season-ending injury.

Five touchdowns.

Waukesha Wet Coopers (4-2)

Blake might just make the jump from cellar to playoffs this year at this pace. With a change from the 75-hour work week to a mere 55-hour one, the good CPA now has time to adjust his roster from time to time. It's a move that's paid off for him, since his daughter now recognizes his face and his team is above .500 for the first time in a long time. Tom Brady and LeSean McCoy seem to have awoken from some kind of enchanted slumber, so they should be formidable for the remainder of the season. Somehow, backup QB Joe Flacco scored five first-half touchdowns, so Coach Derr will have to wrangle with some tempting, but probably ill-advised roster moves in the upcoming weeks. Will he falter? Time shall tell.

Keno Muff Busters (4-2 OR 3-3)

If he should prevail against the Bootleggers this week, Lil' Lou will improve to a respectable 4-2 record. Strong play from Philip Rivers has buoyed the Muffs, and Marshawn Lynch has predictably kicked ass every week thus far (except this one, strangely). A mid-season pickup of St. Louis' de-facto no. 1 receiver Brian Quick was just what Lou needed to put this team into real contention. This week, however, the Busters lost Victor Cruz for the season and news emerged of a possible two-game stretch without fantasy super-stud Jimmy Graham. Can Coach Olsen weather the storm? The outcome of this week's matchup looms large over this squad.

Emphasis on "Senior"

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos (3-3)

Our other Lou Olsen squad has roared out of the gate to an uninspiring 3-3 start (assuming he beats the Spooge Cups tonight). Like walking on a treadmill, starting out at .500 is really not going to get you anywhere in life. Led by Peyton, A.J. and Steve "Nice Surprise" Smith, this team has potential, but is not without its issues. Sproles can't serve as an every-week RB, but Lou wisely traded for Zac Stacy in recent weeks. A.J. Green is experiencing a similar injury to Roddy White's 2013 ailment that essentially neutralized him for the entire season and Percy Harvin can't seem to break out. New York Football Giant Odell Beckham, Jr. may see a nice boost in the absence of Victor Cruz, which could really help this Dildo team, which appears to be balancing on knife's edge.

Pacific Panty Droppers (3-3)

It's a wonder Coach Moylan has ascended to even such pedestrian heights with his constant globetrotting. How does this guy find the wi-fi to manage his team abroad? Kudos to him -- he may be truly living the dream. Aside from this week's 0.8-point loss to Kurtily Wiggleton, the team has performed admirably. Julius and Gio pretty much kick ass, and while it probably burns Craig to host an ex-Packer, James Jones is coming into form as well. Craig is now probably praying to Allah that Calvin Johnson comes back from his unbelievably shitty start to the season (two decoy games, one sat out and 1+ more on the bench?). Craig needs to choose: ride Calvin or ship him for two starters. His season hangs in the balance.

Fumblerooski.

Madison Scrotum Smasher (2-4)

With a loss to the fearsome Ginger Jackass this week, Coach Tyson falls to an embarrassing 2-4. With Rogers, Le'Veon Bell and Matt Ryan, one would expect much more from the Tynosaurus Rex. His starting lineup looks pretty good, rounded out with T.Y., Reuben and Brandon Marshall, so he may vastly improve on his lackluster start. Then again, his team lacks depth in a big way. Dwayne Bowe is averaging under seven points, Bernard Pierce is part of a three-headed monster and Trent Richardson is so godawful I can't believe he's getting paid millions of dollars to "play football." The scrotes had better pull a rabbit out of the hat on the waiver wire or make some moves if they expect to make the playoffs.

-Nightcrawler- (2-4)

Nightcrawler IMPROVES to 2-4 this week after a must-win victory against the Pacific P-Droopers. And he did it without Jamaal Charles. Good on ya, Wagner. Luck has been stellar this year and aside from this week, so has our Badger Baby Boy, Russell Wilson. With Golden Tate taking over for the Lions in Calvin's absence, the Crawlz look pretty good except for some imminent issues at RB. Asiata has been supplanted by Jerrick McKinnon in Minnesota, and Knowshon Moreno's first game back from a fairly awful forearm injury looked just that -- fairly awful. Add to that a supremely underwhelming Donald Brown, and you've got yourself a depth problem. It might be time to make a trade or a genius waiver wire move. THE WORLD IS WATCHING!

Santa Fe Clam Faces (2-4)

Nice fucking earrings/mustache/face, asshole.

What can we say about the REIGNING CHAMPIONS? Do you not quake in fear at the thought of facing this UNSTOPPABLE FORCE? No? Yeah, well, you shouldn't. It seems that maybe Lacy and Ball were the two shittiest options to choose at RB this year aside from those currently on ice for beating women and children. And I picked both of them! Joy! Lacy was ass-bad for the first part of the season and now it looks like he's in for a timeshare with James Starks for some fucking reason. Ball was dismal for the first several games and now he's out for a month. Will he return to the field to average three yards per carry? Oh, please, please I hope he comes back soon! I can't survive without those six points per week!! Add to that Nick Foles kind of sucking, Keenan Allen REALLY sucking, Cordarelle Patterson being perhaps the biggest piece of shit since Ryan Leaf, and I'll just go right ahead and fuck myself. If I make the playoffs, I'll throw a goddamn party. Fuck me.