Week 6 Re-Cap: Sucking the Weeks Dong

by: Lou Olsen

This week, I am the one who re-caps...(are Breaking Bad references still relevant?)

A couple of serious injuries and injury news stole the show this week.  Victor Cruz is gone for the season, Darren Sproles is out for a few weeks, Calvin Johnson and Jimmy Graham both continue to ride the injury wave.  If you have any of those players...you are probably sucking some urethra casings.  If you escaped the injury bug again, you are probably Ginger.

At the "almost halfway" point (which is what I plan on calling the autobiography I am writing about Dan's fantasy football odyssey), it is pretty clear that the East is the better division.  It also looks like Blake is sick of having his teams named, as he sits in 3rd place at 4-2.  Meanwhile in the West, I have lost 3 straight games and remain in 1st place, so a special thank you to Craig, Tyson, Sweeney, and the Spooge Cozine for making these loses only hurt a little.

But the only real question we need to answer is, "HOW DID MY DAD LOSE TO DAN AND THE SPOOGE CUPS?!?!?!?"  Dad, I am so sorry but you are never going to live this down.  Even if you come back and somehow win the Ryan Leaf Trophy, you will always be the guy who lost to the worst team this league has ever seen.  This is the equivalent of losing a game of basketball to a 5 year old.  You basically tried to steal candy from a baby, but the baby ripped your throat out with its bare-hands.  I am so ashamed of you, that I may have to change my name to Olson with an O...I knew that someone could fall to Dan, but not someone in my own bloodline.  This is one of those moments where I understand why Samurai's would perform seppuku after shaming their families.  For fuck's sake Dad...

Let's start with the shocker of the week...


KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS    vs    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                      122                                                          143.6

I can't believe I had to finally highlight the Spooge Cups in blue...but it has happened.  Dan's gang of rag-tag auto-picks, somehow scored enough points to win a game.  This was a game that looked like a done deal going into last night.  Then Colin Kaepernick scored 35.4 points for the Baby Batter Beer Steins and Frank Gore scored 3.8 points for the Punching Penis Toys.  Just like that, Dan can relax knowing that he will still probably end up in last place but not winless...and in last place.  As for my father and his incredible cavalcade of under-performers...this week was simply a microcosm of their season in a nutshell.  They blew stegosaurus balls.  His two starting RB's and WR's combined for less than 20 points.  In fact, Steve Smith outscored those four primary players from the Flex position (22 pts).  In fairness, the Spooge Cups may never get this kind of production again.  Dan's Knuckle Children had four 20 point performers, and two more in double-digits.  You can look at this two ways: 1) This was the perfect Semen Storm or 2) It was a merciful gift from the fantasy football gods who wish for our league to never suffer the turmoils of an "0-for" season.  Either way, this week...the Dildos were covered in Dan's baby making DNA and we now have a new whipping boy.  Sorry Pops.   Player of the Game: Colin Kaepernick  (35.4)    Boner of the Game:  Wes Welker (1.6)


K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS    vs    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                 146.8                                                119.8

This week the Bootleggers continued their quest for postseason disappointment, as they continue to kick the regular seasons' ass (unless it is a freckled ginger ass).  Meanwhile, the Kooch Kickers fall for the 3rd straight week due to Monday Night Football performances (or lack thereof).  Perhaps I should stop playing players who will go on Monday night, because for 3 straight weeks that has completely mushroom stamped me right across the forehead (so you don't have to look it up, that means a dick across my face).  Dick Lightning is a great regular season coach, who knows how to draft.  Luckily for us, none of that will matter once the playoffs arrive because his team will shrivel up like a dick fresh out da pool.  His team is so good right now, that one of his QB's only scored 2.6 points and he still beat me by almost 30 points.  In my opinion, he is the only one who can end the Ginger's reign of undefeated...ness.  Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine a team lead by Jay Cutler would be this good...I have imagined a pelican dressed like a pickle fighting off monkeys with a silenced PP-7 (a la Goldeneye), but not Cutler leading teams to victory.  Nice job Nick, but enjoy it while it lasts...your iceberg is right ahead, Titanic.  Player of the Game: Philip Rivers (31.8)    Boner of the Game: Brian Quick (2)


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                     153.3                                                  142.6

It is nice to see that it only takes two seasons of being the worst to get your ass in gear (take note Cozine).  The soggy Bradley Cooper's rattled off another impressive win, on a week when his opponent played what might be his best game.  Coach Sweeny-CaCa led his team to an admirable loss, but a loss none the less.  Luckily for the Faceless...Faces...they play in a division with the Spooge Cups who are doomed to be re-named in 2015.  However, going from Championship season to cellar dweller is rough, I know.  (For those of you following along at home, I won the very first Ryan Leaf Trophy then came out the next year and sprayed diarrhea all over the place and got re-named the Sandusky Disciples.)  So it could certainly be worse for the Clam Faces, one of the more recognizable brands in the league.  But enough about losers, how about Blake Derr-de-Derr.  Maybe we should name your teams after inside jokes you don't understand every year!  Seriously though, good on you for sticking with Tom Brady who paid HUGE dividends this week (38.7 pts).  And, for reasons I may never comprehend, you chose to start Mohamed Sanu over Edelman and Sammy Watkins...but your crystal ball was right, as Sanu was a monster (28 pts).  Next week the Clam Faces will get a breather, as they take on -Nightcrawler- and the H2O Coops get to play a flailing Scrotum Smashers club.  Player of the Game: Tom Brady (38.7)    Boner of the Game: Eddie Lacy (4)

Gayest photo of Nightcrawler available

-NIGHTCRAWLER-    vs    PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS
            115                                                114.2

This is one of the closest games we have had in a good while.  I liken this game to two homeless men fighting over a three-day old tuna fish sandwich.  The two lowest scoring teams in the league attempting to suck just slightly less than their opponent.  Coach Davy (who owes me one consumed hippo dick) was saved by good old-fashioned Luck (pun...100% intended).  Andrew Luck's 30.6 points absolutely saved his ass this week.  I don't care if you are a blue, circus freak, with the ability to teleport...your team blows.  And don't forget about eating that hippo dick!  Craig's Undie Droppers did not live up to their name sake this week.  No one is dropping Panties for the low scorer of the week.  Sorry Moylan, I don't make the rules...the ladies do.  Women, historically, will not drop the chastity belt for some pathetic sack of bar fly (which is essentially what your team was this week).  Other than Giovanni Bernard, your team was Alaska. (a cold, frigid wasteland that no one in their right mind would care to be a part of).  Perhaps you should stop collecting panties from every continent and focus on not losing to teams like -Nightcrawler-.  For fuck's sake, his team is named after an X-Men character who wasn't even good enough to bring back for the 3rd X-Men movie...and that thing was a total piece of shit.  Plus the team is coached by Davy!  The only type of panties getting dropped this week were the ones soiled by a weekend of Coors Light, cotton candy flavored Vodka., and chili dogs.    Player of the Game: Who ever got that extra 0.8 pts for Davy    Boner of the Game: Pick one -- Matt Asiata (2.3), Steven Jackson (2.5), or DeAndre Hopkins (2.2)


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
                 190.8                                                          164.4

I saved this one for last because I wanted their to be some suspense involving the outcome of the leagues most hated team and manager...and for once I am not talking about Tyson.  Chucka McGingersnaps continues to beat us all...mercilessly.  This game really sucked for old Tyno, because he would have beaten every other team in the league this week.  Sorry to twist that knife pal...but it's important to know that your team showed up to try and take down the Freckled Empire.  All fooling aside, Charlie's team fucking threw down a gauntlet this week.  Cam Newton and Matt Forte each scored over 35 points, and only 3 positions did not score in double-digits.  Even with TY Hilton and Aaron Rodgers putting up over 30 points, the Teste Torturers just couldn't match the fire-crotch power.  Not sure what else to say about this match-up.  The Ginger wins again, Tyson continues to be the best worst team in the league.  Who will rise up to take down the Freckles of injustice?  Who among us is brave enough to repel his flaming pubic hairs of dominance?  There must be someone who can vanquish the sun-loathing beast which threatens our way of life!   Player of the Game: Cam "The Ma'am" Newton (38.1)    Boner of the Game: Chris Ivory (3.1)