Week 5 Re-Cap: Butt Hamsters

by: John Travolta

Holy crap, I'm back you guys!  Steven Seagal was out this week with a case of, Hurtus Fellingsus...I had never heard of it before, but I am a Scientologist so I don't need fancy western doctors.  Apparently he contracted it from Coach Nic Tyson this week.  Naturally I asked if Hurtus Feelingsus is the technical term for Ebola, because even L. Ron Hubbard can't save me from that...no matter how much money I give his church.  Luckily the only symptom is having an unusual amount of sand in your vagina, so I hope Lady Seagal gets that beach out of her snatch soon.

Speaking of sand in your snize, this league appears to be the same Alabama Hot Pocket it was when I left two years ago.  What gives?  Did some under-qualified shit weasel take over the league or something?  Well, whatever happened it has made this league a bunch of ass-reaming uncle fuckers. I wish I was the lucky uncle  Well, enough catching up.  Here is how half of you lost this week...



PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                   133.7                                                       128.3

I can hardly believe this is a thing...The Rochester Spooge Cups were one score away from getting their first win of the season!!!  Had Vernon Davis contributed in any way, we could have publicly shamed Coach Craig for the rest of the season.  My vote would have been for public flogging and nude obstacle courses...however, the Alaskan Globetrotter squeaked out a win in the ugliest of fashions.  I mean...the Thong Tossers are 3-2 and tied for the West division lead, but it feels like this is a team that is winning because of other teams inabilities to produce points, but a win is a win!  On the other hand, the Sperm Snifters continue to put a product on the field that would embarrass the XFL.  Through week 5, they have mustered (on average) 112 points per week.  By comparison, the next lowest scoring team is averaging over 120 points per week.  Arian Foster led all scorers with 31.2 pts, while Calvin Johnson and Vernon Davis combined for 1.7 points.  Just to really ram the point home, Vikings Kicker Blair Walsh scored twice as many points as Calvin Johnson (4 pts).  This game went to the dogs...but not like a cool dog...like a hairless chihuahua, or a hamster.  Wait, a hamster isn't a dog...or is it?  Either way, this game went to the hamsters...Richard Gere butt hamsters...  Player of the Game: Arian Foster (31.2)    Boner of the Game: Vernon Davis (0)


SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                167.4                                             128.7

In a re-match of the 2013 Ryan Leaf Championship Game, the result was essentially the same.  After last weeks soul crushing loss, the Gash Gnashers failed to rise to the challenge and sat idly by as they were man-handled by the Clam Faces at home.  Coach Ocean Vagina Face made the coaching decision of the week, when he plugged in the Packers D upon word of Christian Ponder getting the start for the Vikings.  This move resulted in 23 points for the Defense!!  That, paired with Eddie Lacy re-emerging as a solid fantasy back (28.2 pts) and Demariyus Thomas' league leading 42.6 points...lead to an easy victory for the Vagina's of the Sea.  Even though the team has gotten off to a slow start, this was a huge win for the Chowder Crusaders.  With two of the three top spots in the East being taken by Pirates (of the anal and alcoholic persuasion), it looks like 3 teams will be battling for that final spot.  This victory could go a long way to getting this team on track.  Meanwhile, on the other side of the tracks, the Pussy Punishers lose their 2nd game in a row ahead of having to play the Drunken Pirates next week, and the Catholic Priest Pirates the following week.  This was a game they needed to have, but in true Lou Olsen fashion...the team took that opportunity, soaked it in high class urine, painted their whole stadium with the fancy pee, then added dolphin shit accents, all while getting a reach-around from a mythical beast...possibly a centaur.  After the victory, Coach Sweens celebrated by painting a giant erotic mural of himself on the side of Coach Olsen's house...and it looks glorious.  Player of the Game: Demariyus Thomas (42.6)    Boner of the Game: Alfred Morris (3.7)


MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS    vs    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS
                        122.2                                                             143

It must have been hard for the Scrotum Smashers to get up for the game when their Coach has been stricken with a horrific disease.  While it must have been pretty easy for Coach Drunk Lightnin' to kick a team while they are down...because he is an asshole, you see.  The Dangler Destroyers had too many single digit performances to overtake the Booze Cruisers; Trent Richardson (8.7), Chris Ivory (4.4), Brandon Marshall (7.4), Eddie Royal (7), Chicago D (7), and Matt Bryant (8).  So 60% of the team scored 35.5 points, while the reamining 40% produced 86.7 points.  The good news for Coach Tyno and his band of Scrotal Specilaists, is that if the season ended today...they would limp listlessly into the postseason.  Meanwhile, the only team to figure out "What do you do with a drunken sailor?", is the gayest sailor of the semen seas...Chuckles McCommish and the Fanny Bandits.  Right now it is nothing but good news for the B.A.C Brigade...as they keep mowing down the competition...like a single man at a Russian bath house.  In fact, that bath house is probably were Nic contracted Hurtus Feelingsus, so you may want to stay out of your gay friendly neighborhood sex shack bath house.  Player of the Game: Jay Cutler (25.8)    Boner of the Game: Michael Floyd (1.7)


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    -NIGHTCRAWLER-
                     139.3                                              121.7

First of all, I have been away for a while...what the fuck is a Wet Cooper?  Davy, love the name change...like the X-Men character, right?  Although, I do love a good banana hammock.  It's hard to believe a team that started Eli Manning and Joe Flacco won a game, but believe it.  If it wasn't for Russell Wilson's 38.2 points last night, this game would have been a blowout.  Coach Blue German Circus Transporter got half of his total point output from the QB position (59.9 pts from QB's and 121.7 total).  While Blake rode Andre Ellington like the horse he was supposed to be this season (30.4 pts).  Sometimes I wish I was Andre Ellington...  Not a pretty game, but a big win for the...Wet...Coopers....so, is it a joke about Riley Cooper?  Or is it a joke about Bradley Cooper?  I don't get it Blake...get back to me on this.  Kurt "Davy" Wagner got plenty of terrible performances; Jamaal Charles (9.4), Matt Asiata (5.2), Pierre Garcon (4.3), Delanie Walker (8.7), and the Bengals D (-8).  So he has got to be shitting himself today over some of those roster choices.  It wasn't too much better on the other side, but it was enough to sneak out a win.  And all that matters is the W...and that sweet sweet D poon-tang.   Player of the Game: Andre Ellington (30.4)    Boner of the Game: Bengals D/ST (-8)


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS
               150.9                                                    148.9

My how the tables have turned.  Last week, the Fightin' Dildos snuck out a win on the ability (or total lack thereof) of a D/ST to score points.  This week, the game came down to the defense needing to score at least 4.1 points for the win...they scored 2 points, allowing the Butt Pirates to win their closest shave yet.  There is nothing like the feeling of a freshly shaved ass.   This was a victory the Rectal Raiders will happily take, considering starting QB Drew Stanton provided a meager 4.7 points.  Meanwhile the Fightin' Dildos seem to be finding themselves in a lot of these close games and they need to find a way to seal the deal.  When I am out in the club, I usually slip something in their drink.  Peyton Manning's 39 points were nice, but not enough this week.  Even though the Dildo's outscored 7 of the 10 teams in the league this week...they are walking away with a seriously chapped ass.  The Ginger Buccaneers remain undefeated through 5 weeks.  Which leads this queer  closeted gay man  raging 'mo  normal straight man to wonder, is there anyone who can stop their anal tyranny?  And if so, why would they want to?  Player of the Game: Peyton Manning (39)    Boner of the Game: Seahawks D/ST (2)