Week 7 Recap: A Return to Normalcy

By Lou Olsen

Well it was nice to see the comment board light up this week, as well as getting some individual responses from most of you.  Thank you to almost everyone for finally throwing down some trash talk, or in certain cases adjusting your settings to make sure you know a trade is being offered.  All bullshit and joking aside, I don't want you guys to feel like I am forcing fun.  I just miss how the league used to be and if that pisses you off, I am truly sorry.

This week in the league we featured plenty of good old-fashioned family-friendly sodomy. The closest game was about 18 points.  There were two teams who might as well have just called in sick (Craig and I), another loss for a team who scored over 150 points, and the Butt Pirates continued their quest for the perfect anal cavity.  We also have some pretty fantastic quotes from the winning coaches...


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS  
                  80.9                                                          126.9

"Anyone can deal with victory. Only the mighty can bare their dick in defeat."   -Lou Olsen Sr.

My Dad is the fucking Plato of flashing your dick after a loss...I guess.  It's going to be hard for me to rip on Craig since he outscored me by a dozen or so.  Thankfully, Craig losing again keeps us tied for 1st place at 3-4 (jealous?).  This was essentially the Peyton and Tony show, as Manning and Homo Romo combined for almost 65 points.  The rest of the Boxing Boners could not have been limper (combined for 62.6).  Maybe this QB scoring vote is important after all...who knew that the Ginger was actually doing a good job keeping the league competitive?  Like I said before, I can't make too much fun of Craig for his team's pathetic display this weekend because compared to my team the Panty Droppers look like the '72 Dolphins.  Although...starting Calvin Johnson was not a great call, but I imagine you were balls deep in a squealing Latvian by the time that news came out on Sunday.  Stop humping Europeans for one Sunday, Craig!!  Is that too much to ask?  Granted, this weekend it wouldn't have made a difference since your bench WRs only scored 7 points, but out of courtesy to those of us not sampling the poontang of foreign lands, just take a weekend off.  And Dad, I look forward to you baring your dick in defeat next week.  Just do it at your house.  Please don't come over to my house next Tuesday...   


KENO MUFF BUSTERS    vs    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES
              66.5                                                  158.2

"Well, uh... Don't exactly know what to say about this game. A disappointing win. In young master Lou's defense, he showed up. That's about it. Can't say as much for his Vag-Blasters. All I can credit them with are the steamy piles of poo they left on the field. Now it's on to the Semen Pails. Let's hope they show up, with or with out Coach Cozine."  - Coach Charles the Ginger

Charlie is right. This game was never close. My team could not possibly have been worse. The Ravens D/ST was my second highest scoring "player" with 14 points. My bench scored 55.7 points...So, in honor of being completely and totally fist fucked, here are some nice things to say about Gingers: Ron Howard, Ron Howard's daughter, Ginjas (red-headed ninjas), gingers are scientifically proven to be harder to sedate than us normies, in the 16th Century fat red-headed men were a prime ingredient in poisons, bees are thought to sting red-heads more than others, in Denmark it is an "honor" to have a ginger baby, Lichtenstein's painting of a red-haired man fetched $42.6M at auction in 2010, red hair never goes gray...it goes blond and then white, and Christina Hendricks.  This game was a blowout, so this is all I've got.

 


ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS
                     125.8                                                 157.1 

"As a token of gratitude for coach Cozine at least fielding a team that put forth some effort, my guys left him a chalice filled with many potential civilizations.  Almost everyone contributed so he might actually know what victory tastes like as he guzzles down his consolation prize.  Dez said he was "empty" because he did three bitches on the walk to the locker room from the field and Randall declined because he's too classy.  Dez mentioned his excitement at playing the Panty Droppers referring to his expertise in the area...put him down for 30 points next week."  - Coach Nick Lightning

Not only did Coach Cozine show up this week, his face was painted, he was covered head to toe in team colors (cream and plastic), and refused to leave the sidelines...even after the game was over.  Seriously, police had to come and formally escort him off of the premises. Mace was involved and possibly some tasering.  We can call his teams many things, but we can no longer accuse Dan of not being there for his team.  To be fair, it was really just three players who sunk the Cum Dumpsters' ship (Fred Jackson [5.8], Ben Tate [4.4], and Larry Fitzgerald [6.1]).  The rest of the team looked like an actual fantasy football team.  Meanwhile, Drunk Lightnin' continues to pummel each and every one of us in the regular season on his way to a first-round exit from the playoffs.  Because at the rate things are going, the Cowboys will have locked up their division by week 14, which means Dez Bryant and DeMarco Murray could be spectators come playoff time.  You have Randall Cobb too?!?!?  You are so dicked, Nick. Enjoy the regular season, because the postseason spells nothing but trouble for you my friend.  Although, even a retarded squirrel finds a nut every now and again.   

MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS    vs    WAUKESHA WET COOPERS

                      146.1                                                           128.8

"I hope Blake enjoyed watching Rodgers tear his team another anal fissure, something all Wet Coopers should be familiar with."  - Coach Tyno Tyson

The Testicular Torturers finally got a win during this impressive scoring stretch, and they did it against a very strong Soggy Dogs team.  Since Blake will probably never read this...who gives a shit about him and his team.  Let's talk about Tyson.  Aaron Rodgers and Le'Veon Bell are crushing right now.  It is easy to win when you have two of the most consistent scorers in the league, but Tyson is doing it with a pretty rag tag supporting cast.  Trent Richardson has emerged as a perfectly serviceable RB2, as has Reuben Randle as a great WR2.  The only thing that could hurt Tyson's chances of winning the East division and getting back to the Ryan Leaf Title Game is blowing his load too soon.  Being hot too early can come back to haunt you.  Just ask the other Nick in our league.  It is always enticing to rip someone a new anal fissure and then spray your baby batter all over it in celebration...but it can come back to haunt you.  However, before too long I imagine the Scrotum Smashers will take control of the East and make the playoffs with relative ease (all he has to do is hold of Craig, Sweeney, Cozine, and myself).  That should be easy enough.  On the off chance that Blake does actually give two shits about any of this...hey Blake, "Wet Cooper" was a phrase coined by Tyson while we were out at Sweeney's cabin over 4th of July when you were invited but didn't come.  There was a black dog there named Cooper, who loved to swim in the lake.  Tyson, Sweeney, Davy, and I were standing around talking about how a Wet Cooper sounded like a filthy sex act.  It was at that point we decided to name your team the Wet Coopers.  It was supposed to infuriate you and alienate you at the same time...which I think has been a rousing success.


SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs    -NIGHTCRAWLER-
                 154                                              174.7

"My name is Davy.  I like to have large objects inserted into my rectum and urethra.  Things like forks, snakes, telephone cords, ancient jungle relics, pottery, lawn tools, Jenga pieces, light bulbs, various sea anemones, vintage action figures, and bottles with model boats inside of them."   - Coach Kurt Wagner  

It is a huge statement when you drop almost 175 on your opponent.  It's even bigger when your opponent scores over 150 points in the same week.  I never thought that Russell Wilson would be a viable fantasy QB, but for the 2nd straight week the guy drops over 35 fantasy points.  For Sweeney this game came down to one position call, leaving Ronnie Hillman on the bench in favor of Oliver...the Clam Cakes left 16.5 extra points on the bench.  Even though it wouldn't have been enough to win, it would have been enough to give us one exciting game.  It also didn't help that Andy Dalton thought that he was supposed to only do running plays this week (5 pts).  Even though the Clam Faces were able to put together one of their better performances of the season, they still find themselves with blue circus freak goop all over their clam faces.  And Davy continues to ride the inconsistency pony. Luckily for him, this week was an up week.