Week 11: Season Tryptophan

by John Travolta

Listen up, jerks: It's that sluggish part of the season in which some can be tempted to lose all hope. Curling into the fetal position is not the answer, despite what my old pal David Hasselhoff will tell you. Stay vigilant, you rat bastards, and you will be rewarded with the sorrow of your friends and compatriots. That prize is always a sweet one. Enjoy the leftovers of last week:


Madison Bananagrams vs. Kenosha Hershey Highways
               110.9                                109.2

This week's closest matchup was decided by a mere 1.7 points. A generally respectable output from both teams was peppered with standout performances, both good and bad. Coach Jones' Tony Romo exploded for 29 points, while Beanie Wells (1.3) forgot to show up. On the Squirts, Jordy Nelson, of all people, put up a holy-crapworthy 30, and Willis McGahee took the matchup's boner award with -0.2. Gross.

I made the right QB decision, but had I put in Ogbonnaya at RB we'd have a W on the board in place of that L. We had a good chance at victory with A.J. Green sitting out for Coach Davy, but it just wasn't meant to be, it appears. I WAS going to exact my revenge on Lil' Lou this week at Thanksgiving for his spineless coaching decisions when we played, but it appears he has a "business trip." With each passing week, your punishment worsens...

Seattle Sapling Strokers vs. Waukesha Punchees
                 77.5                                  100.1

This was my favorite match of the week. Between Coach Olsen starting Arizona scrub QB John Skelton (-2) against the 'roid-raging 49ers this week and the ever-erratic Derr neglecting to sub in for his kicker or his second QB on a bye week, this one was a dusey. Oh, and the Claymakers' QB Schaub was not only on a bye, but is LIKELY OUT FOR THE SEASON WITH AN INJURY. That's a double offense there, Blake. You started a guy on bye week, who even if his team were playing would have watched from the sidelines. Holy crap.

But in true antagonistic fashion, Coach Derr managed to pull off a 23-point victory over a struggling Humper team. I can't fucking believe that. With Flacco (20.6) and Pettigrew (13.7) the ONLY players on the Seattle team hitting double-digits, young Olsen never really put up a fight. I ran into the coach on public transportation:

I can't believe my team's horrible, godawful play this week. We have no one to blame but ourselves, really. I do have a plan, though. Right now, Kelly Cozine is flying out to meet the team at a mandatory "motivational face-punching jamboree," I'm calling it. We're just going to line everybody up and let Kelly "Fists of Fury" Cozine loose on them. That should give them some inspiration. If not, we're just going to start killing the lowest point-producer of every game -- kind of like Survivor!

 Boner of the week: Blake Derr

Affirmative Blacktion vs. K-Town Bootleggers
              118.7                             107.3

All hail the new king! I didn't get cutesy with the team names because I wanted to make sure everyone got the results straight: Coach Craig took out league hedgemond Nick Leiting this week! The Blacktion got big help from Ray Rice (31.7) and Roddy White (21.7) to make up for goose eggs from LT and Louis Murphy. My theory on the failure of the Bootleggers this week boils down to Coach Leiting's inexplicable hatred of Jay Cutler. After numerous attempts to trade the Bear away, Leiting benched the QB in favor of Tim Tebow. Seriously. It's not actually that bad of a coaching gaffe, but it does violate some people's Tebow-principles. In the name of spite, Cutler flamed out with 28.4 points and a season-ending injury. Glad I didn't make that trade!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this team right now. It appears that the wheels are falling off, but I assure you that is not the case. Our QB situation is perfectly under control, and I am not worried about the playoffs whatsoever. End of story. [Bursts into tears, runs to bedroom, slams door]

Boner of the week: Ryan Fitzpatrick (6)


Washington Clam Jams vs. Philly Bung Buddies
                125                                  146.7

Matt Stafford had 39.6 points for Charlie's stupid team of idiots. The. Fucking. End.

Kinzie's new jersey

Boner of the week: Stevie Johnson (3.6)

Rochester Name-DDs vs. Madison Scrotes McGotes
             112.7                                      131.8

Coach Cozine got what was coming to him this week after changing his team name for the 43rd time this season. If nobody knows you, they can't respect you, and God knows Tyson doesn't respect shit. With a nifty sub of Vince Young in at QB for the Madison team, big days from Vincent Jackson (29.5) and Kellen Winslow (22.2) helped round out some shitty performances from several of the usual producers.

Meanwhile, Coach Dan gets the weekly boner for neglecting to sub in for a kicker on bye week. But he probably likes that. Nick and I caught up over a hot cup of jizz:

Well, beating Dan was just a stepping stone on the way to my biggest challenge of the year: Coach Sweeney's Clam Faces in week 12. I don't know how Tim Couch misquoted me so badly when he asked about which manager I'd least trust to take over my team. I didn't say Sweeney would be bad at it, I said he would be RAD at it. Apologies to the good coach, and a collegial good luck to you this week, fine sir.

What a class act. Catch you on the flip side, bitches.

Week 10 Re-Cap: Is Anyone Still Alive?

I am considering living forever, does that scare you?

I have never seen a week claim so many football lives.  Not only on the field of play, but on our fantasy field.  That sounds much more fun than I had intended it too...a fantasy field.  Whips and chains and bondage...THAT is a fantasy field.  Did I have a point to this?

Yes.  I.   Did.  In true Tractor Trailer fashion, last years fantasy darling, Peyton Hillis, has been released from the Kenosha Hershey Squirts.  It was a move that surprises almost no one.  Hillis has virtually no value at this point, after missing his 6th straight game this past Sunday.  The Browns rendered him useless when he has been healthy, which was only 4 times.  This was a thorn in the old man's side for too long.  Big Lou did what he does best, went to work on the waiver wire and punched Hillis in the face with his pink slip. 

Normally, Hillis would draw a lot of attention on the free agent market.  But, I find it hard to believe that too many of you will be in the market for an over-weight, trailer trash looking, Madden cursed guy who plays for the Browns.  Speaking of things taking a media-friendly turn for the worst, take a look at Mr. Seniors roster the day after the draft (and really think about last season heading into this one):

QB) Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman
RB) Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis
WR) Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker
TE) JerMichael Finley and Jimmy Graham
D/ST) Bears

That is not a half bad team on paper.  The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress.  Welcome to fantasy football old man.  It will rip your heart out, stuff it down your throat, feed you laxatives, wait for you to poop it out, shovel it up, take it inside, toss it in his 1800's wood burning stove.  Then it will take Matlock one hour to solve the crime.  So much promise, so much pain...just like my movie "From Paris with Love".  It's the one where I am bald and have a goatee.  Nevermind.

There were so many injuries this week, including the starting QB's for two teams vying for playoff spots.  Let's quit farting around and get to the good parts...


K-Town Drunk Drivers    vs    Madison Scrotal Road Kill
            143                                                      118

I have never heard of Tim Tebow, or his friend Jesus.  Be that as it may, I can not believe that it is possible to score 19.1 points whilst only completing 2 passes.  Let alone that he could be the leading scorer on the most ferocious offense in the league.  And why are we seeing jerseys that say Jesus on them, with his number?  Is that his nickname?  Is Jesus important for some reason?  Well, Coach Leiting probably can't thank sweet Xenu enough for another golden waiver wire pick-up. 

Coach Tyson is having a rough go of it right now.  I have no doubt that Nic got in there and told them how important this game was.  Too bad Vincent Jackson was too busy being a Boner to get the message, his 3.2 points was just enough to outscore Kicker Billy Cundiff who had 3 points in the loss.  However, Michael Bush got the message loud and clear by leading all Scrots with 33.2 points. 

After the game, we talked to Coach Tyson about next week:

I am looking forward to facing Cozine.  Normally I would call them by their team name, but after the second change I lost track of what they were called.  So, for the sake of the rest of this statement, we will call them "The Goldy Gonads".  If we can not beat a team that is primarily made up of people a Malaysian boy found attractive, then we can kiss our playoff hopes goodbye.  Losing games to a team like the Bootsnifters, is fine if you can beat the teams you should beat.  The Goldy Gonads are a team that we should blow out of the water.  For Fuck's sake, this week their leading scorer was the defense.  I am coming for you Goldy...you will not deprive the good people of Madison the playoff birth they justly deserve.  I am going to split your sack from shaft to a-hole.  Sleep tight.

Madison Strawberry Cots    vs    D.C. Oyster Skulls
              122.6                                       126.6

First thing is first, I believe we have an all-time Boner of the Week record, the Buffalo Bills provided -6 points to Coach Davy Jones-Wagner.  You can see how this might be very distressing to DJW, for you see he lost the game by 4 points.  All of the Tony Romo magic in the world could not undo the damage caused by the play of the defense.  Rob Gronkowski went completely goat shit and scored 31.3 points to lead Sweens McDuck crew of misfit toys. 

The big story in this game was the impressive play of Carson Palmer.  For the second straight week, Palmer has played like a top tier quarterback for Shellfish Crusaders.  If this duo of Drew Brees and Carson Palmer can stay hot, Sweens and company could be the front-runners in the East Division.

After the game Davy was not very happy:

Lalala.  Happy fucking fun time out there.  We like to play the defense, it is fun.  Der dee derr derr derr

 

Rochester Rainbows   vs.    Chicago Dingleberries
             116.3                                   145.5

I thought it would be nice to go retro on this one.  Coach Cozine kept it retro by letting his defense do the talking.  The Artist's formerly known as the Rainbows, were the anti-Firebirds (see what I am doing here) by letting their defense be the leading scorer.  That is probably why the Pride Parades fell to the always terrifying Philadelphia Chicago crew, who were lead this week by Larry Fitzgerald and his 33.6 points.  That is a name we have not heard very much of this season.  Nice to see that he can catch passes when his quarterback is not awful.  Speaking of not awful, Chuckles can always count on Tom Brady to never score less than 25 points...which was the case again this week. 

You know what did not help either team?  The running backs, Double-Boners are awarded to BenJarvus Green-Ellis (0.8 pts) and Frank Gore (1.8 pts).  Neither coach could have been thrilled with their backs after the game. 

After the game Kinzie wanted to laugh at someone:

Hey Dan!  I gotcha bitch.  It's too bad we only get to play once this year.  Whooping your ass twice a year would be so much sweeter.  Hey Dan!  The Badgers smoked your precious Goldy Gophers this past weekend too.  That's what I LIKE TO CALL...THE DOUBLE-WHAMMY!!!  Ride that giggle stick baby!  Whoo!!!  And I can't wait to stick  it to Sweeney this weekend.  The time of the Ginger is upon us.  REPENT.  Or be vanquished by the all mighty ginger!!!!

 

Kenosha Dookie Squeaks    vs    Waukesha Poo Punchers
               132.7                                        137.8

Aaron Rodgers is the equivalent of fantasy football Satan.  You love him if he is on your side, but if he's not he might be the baddest mother on this earth.  Rodgers lead all scorers this week with 36.1 points and Blake needed every last one.  The bigger news for Blake and the Fist Tossers, losing #2 QB Matt Schaub for the rest of the season.  Schaub is one of several players to have lost the rest of their season over the weekend.  It is a big blow to a team that is still right in the thick of the playoff race in the East division.

The Poo Poo Platters finally got some points out of Chris Johnson, who was also in danger of hitting the waiver wire this week.  Luckily he was able to churn out his season high, 27.4 points and save his roster spot.  And yet, the Dung Sharts still managed to find a major Boner.  Willis McGehee, who was just acquired via trade a few days earlier, scored a meager 1.7 points before leaving the game with an injury.  What a boner that turned out to be. 

After the game, Blake was not sure what he was going to do:

I have no idea what we are going to do without Matt (Schaub).  Wait, what am I talking about?  I have Aaron Rodgers.  As long as he is on our roster, we will always have a chance.  I am coming for you Ginger Nuts and Sweeney.  Three weeks left in the regular season means three more opportunities for you two nerd to blow it.  Don't kid yourselves, the Claymakers will be in the Championship Game again this year.  By the arm of Aaron Rodgers, it shall come to pass.

Seattle Bush Blowers    vs    Craigs Gaggle of Blackness
          134.6                                         137.4

With a lot of close games this weekend, this was certainly the closest.  Unfortunately, the reigning champs also fell victim to a defense scoring negative points.  There is no doubt that Coach Olsen earned the Double Boner award; Jets D scored -2 points and Matt Cassel is out for the season and lost to Tim Tebow...who once again...completed TWO passes.  Cassel's season ending injury puts the Leaf Lovers in a very tough position since they had no back-up on the roster.  Another team fighting for playoff glory, losses a key player over the weekend.  This season could not possibly get more fascinating.

Which leads us to Coach Moylan and his band of Euro-Syphs.  No one on the team did anything to blow anyone else away.  Matt Ryan was his leading scorer with a 24.9 point Sunday.  While the playoffs may seem like a stretch, the LadySmith Black Mumbazo's are still very much alive in the playoff race in the West with a 3-7 record.  Should Craig's team catch fire and win the final three games, anything can happen in this league.

After the game, Coach Craig was pleased:

Man, it feels good to get a win.  It's amazing what can happen when you set a valid lineup, prepare for bye weeks, and actually put some effort into your fantasy team.  If only I had done that while I was off gallivanting for poon in the Swiss Alps, maybe my team would not be in the hunt for the 1st overall pick next year.  Well, live and learn I guess.  In hindsight, I probably would still choose the cooter over this league, but that is in the past now.  That team we played today is not bad, but they are not that good either, so maybe we are turning this ship around.  I don't know.  If you will excuse me, it is my turn to bake the post game crack...any of you have some cinnamon or baking soda?

Well, the playoffs are quickly approaching.  Be on the look out for some very insightful work from this site leading up to final days of the regular season.  Now, in order to curb your lust for cleavage, here is a chick with a lot of it.

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch That Is

Someday, when I look back on my career, this weeks interview will be one of my proudest moments.  This week I was....once again invited to Hawaii, for the second straight week, but this time with a little twist.  It turns out that Davy Wagner and Nic Tyson are roommates of sorts. 

As I made my way past the front gates covered in men's cloth nut cradles, I saw the oh too familiar sight of random Hawaiians roaming the front yard.  This time, the driver took me on a path I had not been on last week.  The path lead to former WWSW Public Enemy #1, Nic Tyson.

I found Coach Tyson standing next to what appeared to be a giant Ny-Quil gel tab.  I later learned it was a small submarine, which would take me to Nic's underwater hideaway.  Initially, I felt like Tyson could be some kind of James Bond villain.  It turns out he made some smart Rugby related investments, and always dreamed of living below the sea. 

With his earnings he built an elegant home beneath the Hawaiian sea.  It was a home fit for a king.  Hard to imagine a football coach living in such amazing surroundings, with virtually no contact with the outside world.  Tyson was kind enough to lead me to the lounge area, which was decorated like a the set of a 1970's sitcom. 

This week I am sad to announce that there was no tea at this weeks interview.  Instead, Nic gave me an all natural pineapple liqueur mixed with pineapple juice.  Truly, all the tastes of Hawaii in one drink.

TC:  Nic, thank you so much for having me out here this week.  I can not believe that this was under my nose the entire time I was here last week.

NT:  This is where I like to come when I need to think and get away from Davy's incessant nagging. 

TC:  Well, let's start by talking about this season, which to date has been fairly successful.  How have things been different for you this year?

NT:   I actually was close to throwing in the towel early this year; I had Jamaal Charles in all 3 of my leagues.  So when he went down...well, let's just say I drank a lot of Pineapple coolers.  This year I think I've been doing a better job of actively searching out trades and looking at waiver pickups.  Those are two things I tried to stay away from last year and in the end I think it doomed me to the league cellar.  Plus, my girlfriend lives in California, so I have cut way back on the distractions.  When she's around...well let's just say, not much football gets coached.

TC:  That Jamaal Charles injury was tough.  He was your first round draft pick.  Going into the draft, what did you focus on? Was there anything in particular that you were looking for?

NT:  I'm not going to give away my trade secrets, but I usually focus on finding a good mix of proven, consistent players and possible breakouts.  Obviously Charles' injury was just one of those things you can never forecast.  My team still has a strong core that we built through the draft.

TC:  Like many teams this year, you changed your team name, what was the motivation behind the "Scrotum Smashers" name?

NT:  I think that too many people weren't frightened by the superstitious figure of the Chupacabra last year.  Probably due to the lack of Mexicans in the league.  I figured it would be a much more effective form of intimidation to threaten my rivals with testicular demolition instead.  And don't kid yourself, most of them know that it is a real possibility with me around.

TC:  I would like to take you back to the end of last season.  Both you and Davy had awful seasons.  The city of Madison was so fortunate to have two teams, but to have both be bottom feeders was difficult.  Then Commissioner Kinzie elected to have a 3 game series to decide who was the worst team.  It pitted roommates, neighbors, and mythical beasts against each other.  Your Madison Chupacabra's lost what was called "The Toilet Bowl", to Davy's Firebirds (now the Banana Hammocks).  What was it like to be put on full display for three straight weeks?

NT:  It was a two-fold attack for me. See, if I beat Davy, I would be forced to listen to him complain about it for 6 months.  But if I lost, half of Madison would want me tarred, feathered, and in all likelihood killed.  So, I decided to take the high road...I threw The Toilet Bowl.  I tried to throw the games for a couple reasons. First, to try and get the #1 draft pick this year (which subsequently was taken away from me thanks to a dog) which I thought was a good move for the future of this team. Second, I did it to boost Davy's self-esteem  That decision has led to a much happier home life.  I do not regret that decision.

TC:  Wow, you just blew my mind.  Let's change momentum here and cover something a little more serious.  Last year, you were the most hated man in media.  Every member of the WWSW staff was out to get you, John Travolta, Ryan Leaf, and Lou Olsen were all out to get you.  I have heard their side of the story.  Why did you refuse to do an interview last year? 

NT:   Honestly, I never felt like any of the three of them ever deserved my attention. You've got a Scientologist, who believes in all kinds of bizarre LSD induced alien jibber-jabber.  THen you have the biggest bust in the history of all sports.  Ryan Leaf?  Are you kidding me?  Why would I want to talk with that guy?  What a loser.  And Olsen...just some hippie that couldn't live up to his friend's/family's expectations and ran away to the far coast to hide his shame and obvious homosexuality.  I spit on all three of them. 

TC:  Well, now I thought you and Travolta had cleared up your rift?

NT:  Me and Saturday Night Fever are fine.  But, I don't have time to worry about the other two.

TC:  Now you and Olsen just played each other, were there any words exchanged after the game?

NT:  No, everything was civil.  Lou was lucky to pull one out last week because his team is not very good.  Which was very unfortunate for me because I have to face the meat-grinder this week.  What are the odds that my team beats the Bootleggers?  Then he gets to play Craig's mess of a team.  It's hard to be in playoff mode and lose a game against that hipster.

TC:   Do you still hold a grudge against Lou?

NT:  I don't think I've ever held a grudge. I've learned that one of my main shortcomings in dealing with people is that I expect too much from them. I've been trying to work on that, as you can see from me agreeing to an interview this year.

TC:  And I can not thank you enough for this.  It is a real treat for me. 

NT:  Yeah, it's not so bad after all. 

TC:  Well, we are in the home stretch now.  Who would you say is your biggest rival in the league?
NT:  Unfortunately, I would say that my biggest rival is the Firebird himself, David Jones. Not for any competition reasons, but just because we share the same roof. I can't tell you how many times I had to put up with Davy shoving the Toilet Bowl Trophy in my face last year. I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I threw the games.
TC:  How could it be any other way, right.  Then which team is least threatening to you?

NT:  I would say the Clam Faces are the least threatening. It all starts at the top. I hope he knows that I respect his beard-growing ability, but there is no possible way that I could ever be intimidated by Brian Sweeney. His frail frame, his meticulous vocabulary, his past love of PT Cruisers...I just can't see it. Just because you have strong hands and listen to retarded death metal doesn't make you a tough guy.
TC:  If you could let one other coach run your team, who would you choose?
NT:  Definitely Blake Derr. If there was anyone I could count on to make the tough decisions and to tell people how it is, it would be Blake.

TC:  This has been wonderful Nic.  Of course, now you know that it is time for Tim's Ten Questions.

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

NT:  Maybe 32000, plus or minus 10,000

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

NT:  Rugby and Whiskey: the Secret to Happiness
TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

NT:  Yes

TC:  Tupac?

NT:  Yes, what is with you and these conspiracy theories!?!?

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

NT:  A bear (grizzly or kodiak). Apex predator. Tough and large and you don't want to fuck with me. But can also be cuddly in the right circumstances.

TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
NT:  Cosby Sweater, it almost certainly involves feces.

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

NT:  I take both when I go camping

TC:  How are M&M's made?

NT:  I don't eat candy. I know where steak comes from...

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
NT:  I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers and I'm sorry that it's a very obvious answer, but I have my reasons. He's from California, I love California. He's a great player, I am too. But most importantly, he isn't married. I would love to be a rich professional football player with nothing holding me down. I can't believe all of the people in my league have just rushed into long-term relationships. Enjoy you youths, idiots!!

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
.NT:  American Southerners. I have to deal with them more consistently and their stupidity has a ton of input into how this country runs.


Again, a special thank you Nic Tyson for letting us in to his underwater lair.  We learned that Nic Tyson is a man, a man's man, a ladies man, and a business man...oh and a coach.  I wish him nothing but the best for the rest of this season.  See you all next week. 

Week 9 Recap: So close and yet so far

by John Travolta

This is my new album cover.  You guys like it?

What's up boners? Time to over analyze the week's West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football action! Actually, it was less action and more looking at computers and smartphones, but you get my drift.

This week we had close games and blowouts. Both epic battles and unilateral colon scraping. Truly, this has got to be the least predictable fantasy league in the universe, right? Right! So, we predictably hurdle through space to the playoffs. Not so certain, however, is the result of this year's suck-fest.

Who will part the waters of mediocrity and breathe life into his checking account? Who will sail toward a net payout of "$0.00 plus three months of scrounging the waiver?" And finally, who will be among those slain and strewn about at the base of Dick Mountain? Only the future will tell, in this crazy, crazy world we live in.

The following weeks are crucial to several teams we'll call "The 99%," all hovering at 5-4. In fact, a full half of our league belongs to that faction, which is mind-blowing given their name. The next weeks will separate the douches from the dongs, and the league is in dire need of some decisive (and divisive) results. You bastards love each other with the heart and soul (and dick) (and butthole) of Sigfried and Roy, but nobody is going to benefit from a 10-way tie.

For L. Ron's sake, sputum lips (and that's plural): Take the gloves off! Let the keyboards run red with blood! Ruin some lives! It's the fantasy football way.

After that look forward, here's our look back at the week's inanity (yes, inanity).


Banana Boats vs. Swashbuckling Kiesters
        117.3                       147.8

There really wasn't anything Coach Davy could have changed to beat out old Chuck this week. The Pirates just plain outplayed the Sack Slings. The stat that stands out is the discrepancy between Davy's Beanie Wells (5.3) and Chuckles' San Diego whale vagina's Mike Tolbert (24.2) and Antonio Gates (23.6). Everything else was pretty ho-hum and predictable. Boner of the week: Beanie Wells

Coach Kinzie was ebullient after the game:

"Ah yes... Sweet, sweet victory. It tastes so sweet... Davy doesn't remember it, but he bet me that since we'll both be in Minneapolis this weekend, that the winner of this game would teabag the loser. Well I'm looking forward to that more than I probably should be. Don't pass out, Jones!"

Testes Ticklers vs. Shrub Huggers
         145                       160

This game, at first glance, appears somewhat close. Actually it was not quite as competitive as it seemed. Tyson's Berry Blasters received a huge shot in the arm from Vincent Jackson (39.1), yet ANOTHER over performing Charger. Aside from that, things were pretty lopsided.

For every Tyson Michael Bush (20.9) or Pierre Thomas (19.1), Little Lou answered with an Arian Foster (26) or a Brandon Jacobs (20). And on top of that, Julio Jones came out of goddamn nowhere with 31.4 points. Oh yeah, and apparently Willis McGahee rose from the dead and scored 28.3 points for Lou.............'s bench. And if that weren't insult enough, Poor Tyson's defense, the Chiefs, got blown out by the winless Miami Dolphins, stealing two points from his bottom line. I guess that's what he gets for playing the Chiefs defense. Consider that move, Bonered (of the week).

Coach Lou was overheard after the game speaking with Darrius Heyward Bey (0.0):

"OK. In the last four games, you averaged almost 100 yards receiving. This week, zero.  Against the BRONCOS. What do you think this is, fucking Pee-Wee football? NO! IT'S FANTASY FOOTBALL, YOU BUM! NEXT WEEK IS SAN DIEGO!! THEY CAN PUT UP POINTS! YOU SEE VINCENT JACKSON? MIKE TOLBERT?? ANTONIO FUCKING GATES THE GODDAMN TIGHT END WHO SCORED TWENTY-SOME POINTS?? That's it. If this happens EVER. AGAIN. Death by a thousand cuts. I don't mean emotional cuts, I mean real cuts, with a manila envelope or something equally rigid and dull. I've got my eyes on you, Bey, and the streets will run red with your blood."

Yeesh, Lou. [I think he's serious!]


K-Town ...You're Fuckeds     vs.    Rochester...Name Change Addicts
            172.3                                                         121.2

Coach Cozine changed his name for the 4th or 5th time this season, to the very confusing --Rochester Not Means.  Is that a plea Cozine?  Are you saying that you want me to be nicer to you?  Do you think you're better than me?  I am confused.  Was there a memo about the name change?  What am I missing here?  Who is mean to you?  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US DAN?!?!?!!?

Sorry about that, let's talk about the game.  Philip Rivers had a day to remember, scoring 33.3 points in a losing effort.  That includes penalties for 3 interceptions, but it would not have been enough as the Bootleggers continued to steam roll everyone.  Cozine was not helped by Michael Vick's unusually meek fantasy output of 9.9 pts.  That was bad enough to earn Michael Vick his first, Boner of the Week Award.  No one is helping themselves when they take the field against the Drunk Dicks.  Coach Nick continues to play hunches, as his call to start Tim Tebow works perfectly.  Football Jesus racked up 28.8 points to lead AA meeting this week.  This is the only team that appears to have it's playoff spot locked.  Alot can happen, but no matter who that Bottle Sucker throws out there they score points. 

After the game Coach Nick was shockingly nice to his opponent:

I hope you don't mind, this week I prepared a formal statement. 

Coach Cozine,

Please allow me to be the first to to answer your request of kindness.  You deserve it.  Sure, you blew us all off to go lay on the beach to start the season.  So what, I probably would have blown everyone off too.  You heard me.  And then you may have pissed in everyones face when you walked in to draft a kicker, then left.  Big deal, you have huge balls, always have.  Some people disagreed when you decided to let a Malaysian drag queen coach your team.  Who cares, you fired him and learned your lesson.  Then your wife paid your dues.  You lucky fucker.  If only my wife agreed to write a check for my fantasy dues, but I'll be damned if that woman is going to have access to my money.  Bottom line, you are a nice guy.  Probably too nice.  You make Mr. Belvedere look like Hitler.  Please accept my congratulations on a wonderful season.  Truly something you can be proud of.  Everyone dreams of coaching a 4-5 team.  Play on playa!

Leiting, OUT!!



Black Action Lawsuit    vs    Kenosha Doody Geysers
          134.9                                           139

By sealing a very close victory this weekend, the Hershey Squirts have put together a winning streak at 2 games.  Due to the mediocrity of the East division, he is only two games back.  That is not a type-o, Big Lou...the Tractor Trailor is making a late season run.  The waiver wire is a game of numbers gentlemen.  They can't all suck.  Meanwhile, Coach Craig just can't seem to find a lineup that works.  Normally, this is where I would make a European related sexual intercourse joke to explain why Craig lost.  However, WWSW has learned that Moylan has actually returned stateside and was last spotted in Portland, Oregon.  Clearly making his way to Seattle for this weekends game.  That must be the reason for his valid lineup this weekend.  Well guys, no more freebies at Moylan's expense. 

The Blackies got amazing performances from their big 3; Matt Ryan, Eli Manning, and Ray Rice.  But, the Squirts just got more consistent performances across the board from unlikely sources.  Emerging fantasy stud Andy Dalton threw up 27.1 points, while the receiving corps of Wes Welker, Plaxico Burress and Antonio Brown combined for over 40 points.  This game was pretty evenly matched and ultimately came down to Sunday night's Steelers Ravens game.  Luckily for Lou Sr., it was not a Charger and Packers situation.  The Tractor Trailer did have the boner of the week, Knowshon Moreno scored 2.8 points.  We talked to the Senior after the game:

Well, I feel pretty good about how we played to day.  It wasn't like we fucked the prom queen or anything, but it was ok.  I'd feel alot better if we could score more than 140 points.  This is a good start though.  I am proud that the team has not given up hope.  No matter how frequently I show players the door, the guys that I bring back buy into the system.  Then I usually cut them too, I am not even sure who is on my team anymore.  I feel like my son's team is nothing more than guys that I have cut.  Can't wait to see that little shit in Vegas in two weeks.  Gobble gobble mother fucker.  What was I talking about?  Oh my strategy, it's what I like to call a "revolving door approach" to coaching.  There was a bit of a learning curve, but I think I am starting to get everyone to buy in to my system.  No matter how strange it may seem to the untrained eye, which is what I call every other coach.  I hate young people.

D.C. Clamela Anderson's    vs    Waukesha RIP Joe Frazier's
               146.7                                                 141.8

Aaron Rodgers is the baddest man in fantasy football.  If you compare top scorers in this game, there is no comparison.  Rodgers threw for 39.1 points, while recently un-retired Carson Palmer had 25.6 points.  Not close, right?  The problem for Coach Derr, was that the rest of his team was very anti-Rodgers.  No one was downright awful, but Rodgers was a hog amongst guinea pigs.  The next highest scorer for Blake was Michael Turner, with 14.8 points.  It was a true feast or famine game for the Rope-a-dopers. 

Somehow the Clamities put together a scoring barrage early on, this allowed DeSean Jackson to Boner it up with 2.8 points.  The Clams roster may look weak on paper, but if Drew Brees and Carson Palmer get hot during the final half of the season this team could blow people...away.  Rob Gronkoski threw down 24.1 points, which certainly didn't hurt.  Wait a minute, wasn't Gronkoski on the Hershey Squirts at one point?  Man, what player in this leagues has not been on Big Lou's team?

After the game Coach Sweens McDuck was clearly on mushrooms:

I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver playing the accordion.  I want to make an image for myself as an outlaw type. A kind of rock 'n' roll sensibility.  Kurt Russell in Tombstone, but wearing ass-less leather chaps.  Grape colored panda bears are swinging anchors in the B-7 quadrant of my brain grid.  Football is like pickles, once you open the jar, good things come out.  How good was Carson Daly today?  He's on my team right?  Everyone!!  Look at John Travolta, he has his own head...where his mouth should be...it's awful... AHHH!!!!!!!!


I am not sure what happened, but he ran out of the room.  That man has lost his mind. 

Ok, get out of here.  Before you go, here is a hot chick.

Too soon?

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch that is

article by Tim Couch

     Happy Friday everyone.  This week I have a very special guest, who goes by many names.  Many of you know him as Davy, but his formal name is Kurt Wagner.  Davy is the head coach of the Eastern Division leading Madison Banana Hammocks.   

Kurt Wagner, Demon

     After doing some research on the name Kurt Wagner, I came to a startling discovery.  According to X-Men folklore, Mr. Wagner also goes by the name 'Nightcrawler".  A mutant, Nightcrawler possesses superhuman agility, the ability to teleport, invisibility in deep shadows, and adhesive hands and feet. His physical mutations include blue skin, two-toed and -fingered feet and hands (not including thumbs), yellow eyes, and a prehensile tail.  According to certain texts, Davy Wagner is the bastard son of the devil.  This sounds like a guy I would not want to cross, yet you idiots play him every week. 

     To ease my anxiety, Nightcrawler Davy invited me to his banana plantation to take in some of the beauty Hawaii and  his delicious banana's have to offer.  As I pulled through the giant front gate (which was covered in men's underwear, naturally), I noticed several dark skinned folks walking the grounds.  Naturally, I assumed that they were slaves of some sort, but Davy assured me that they were simply random Hawaiians who roam his grounds looking for the lost treasure of Alohilani Punani.  Sounds made up, but who am I to judge. 

     Davy escorted me to a clearing with two hammocks, each hung from banyan trees.  It was a beautiful setting to pry deep into the psyche of one of the league's most evil geniuses.

TC:  Davy, thank you for having me out here.

DW:  My pleasure Tim.  It's not often we have visitors, at least not any more.

TC:  While I am puzzled by that last comment, I will let it go and dive right into some questions that I have for you.  What would you say is the biggest key to your success this season?

DW:  Tim, it was a lot of things.  First, I have a new lease on life.  Not everyday are you given a fully functional banana plantation in Hawaii to operate.  This plantation deserved a winning team, so I scraped my draft plans of the past and went with a new scheme.  You see Tim, by pulling my head out of my own ass this off-season, I was able to build a respectable football team and grow my business from just banana's, to banana's and hammocks...and hammocks for banana's...and tight fitting men's underwear/swimwear...we also make banana hammocks for ferrets now. 

TC:  This is actually a great segway into my next question, what is the story behind your name change for this season?

DW:  Quite frankly, I wanted to see how all of the other coach's would look in them, hence the beautiful photos every week. Not to mention the way they feel, ever so snug and supportive... I've said too much.  Let's just leave it as, a conscious business decision to further my growing business.  

TC:  Clearly you are spending less time there these days, but how has the city of Madison embraced these new winning ways?

DW:  Well, at first people where apprehensive, because I have hurt them before.  Then after a few weeks you started to see more rioting and cars being set a blaze.  Whenever I do head back to Madison, I generally find about 1,200-1,500 panties on my doorstep.  One of my cleaning ladies keeps them all in a box in my storage shed.  Now we have almost 17 boxes full of panties.  Can you imagine?

TC:  I actually can, there was a time where I had quite the panty collection myself. 

DW:  Really?

TC:  No.  Not really.  Talk to me about winning.  What are some of the perks between coaching a winning team and a losing team?

DW:  Well, just this week, some of the members of my team lured in some college co-eds with talk of Pucker and apple-tini's, for a late night pillow fight.  Last year, they could only convince the tranny hookers from the south side. That's a perk, right?

TC:  It sure is.  How did last years "Toilet Bowl" series affect you and your teams mentality going into this season?

DW:  Being in the "Toilet Bowl" was only part of the motivation. The real kick in the ass to improve came from constantly being compared to that heathen Nic Tyson.  Which was impossible to avoid, especially when you have two teams in the same city, with the same horrific record.  Those 3 games are probably one of the biggest black marks on my coaching resume.  Having fan-bases from the same city fighting over who was worse...it was just bad for the sport and the league. 

TC:  I agree, I have never seen anything quite like it.  You just mentioned the league, so let me ask you something.  If you were the commissioner, what changes would you make in the league?
DW:  One starting QB would be my big change. And there would be a few other ones in there, too. But being that I will see Charlie in a couple weeks, I'd like to go on the record saying that I love everything that he's ever done, or will do!! But, off the record, he's doing about as good as you did in your career as a QB, Couch.

TC:  Ouch, that was a shot wasn't it?

DW:  Sure was Tim. 

TC:  Kitty has claws after all.  Meeeeow.  This is something that I am going to ask everyone about this season, how do you feel about Coach Cozine's coaching choices/tactics this season?

DW:  Well, starting from the contribution to his team on draft day, I knew he would be pushover. It wasn't until the combination of demoting his boy-toy and reintroducing the "Jizz Bolts" name that I started to take him more seriously. Then I nearly doubled his score in week 7, so I'm back to laughing at him and wafting my air-poops in his general direction.

TC:  Air-poops huh?  Now I have heard everything.  Ok Davy, who would you say is your biggest rival in the league?

DW:  Well, I've never been able to figure out the riddle that is Blake Derr (big 'ol asterisk on this years outcome). And although I haven't played them yet, the Bootleggers seem like they'll be a worthy opponent.
TC:  Which team is least threatening to you?
DW:  Other than the British Columbia Lions that you led for a couple years, Tim, I'd have to say it would be Mrs. Moylan's Affirmative Blacktion. They're ability to start injured players and players on bye weeks is unparalleled to any other team in the league... even if they were getting Euro-trash poon.

TC:  If you could let one other coach run your team, who would you choose?
DW:  Anyone but Craig, Sweeney, Dan, Tractor Trailor, Lil' Lou, Tyson, Ginger nuts, Leiting or Blake. I guess that only leaves Cozine's little boy-toy, shit.  The Malaysian guy it is. 

TC:  Davy, thank you for your time and having me into your beautiful tropical paradise.  Let's finish this interview off, with Tim's Ten Questions.

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?
DW:  Counting the 2 by my house, probably around 45,002
TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?
DW:  Davy, all the things he didn't do.
TC:  Is Elvis really dead?
DW:  No chance, I saw him a few dozen times in Vegas this past July
TC:  Tupac?
DW:  Not sure, I recall Sweeney dressing up like him for Halloween some years back. He might know more than me on this front.
TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?
DW:  Birds, I would kindly ask that they stop pooping on my car.
TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
DW:  Alabama Hot Pocket
TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?
DW:  I've consumed both... in the same night.
TC:  How are M&M's made?
DW:  A thin candy shell on a load of rabbit poo.
TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
DW:  Calvin Johnson
TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
DW:  What, Canadians aren't on the list? Commies.

This Week's Re-Cap...or...Underperforming Fecal Matter?

article by John Travolta

    
     It's actually a trick question, for you see this weeks re-cap is equal too underperforming fecal matter.  Two teams scored less than 100 points this week, which in the 1800's earned you a lynchin'.  This has to be the season of underperforming.  From individual players (Chris Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Nate Kaeding), to individual teams (Black team,  Gay team, and...Dan's Gay team), all the way to my marriage...sexual potency...gayness...Best Buy stock? 

     Don't get me wrong, there were a few games that had some value.  Nic Tyson was never quite able to completely splatter Blake's man berries.  One touchdown, was all that separated a win from a loss (156.9 - 150.9).  It's amazing to believe that Tyson is playing meaningful games every week.  Even with the loss to the Right-Hookers, Tyson still finds himself alone in 2nd place in the West division.  Defying all sense of reason and logic, Nic Tyson called a press conference yesterday to issue an apology of sorts:

We may have overlooked the game this weekend.  I personally am to blame for this weeks loss.  Last week I made it very clear that I am gunning for Coach Olsen and his Topiary Ticklers.  In our preparations for this weeks game, yours truly may have been looking past this weekends game.  For that I apologize, but I will not apologize for the thrashing that is coming to Seattle this weekend.  It's open season on hipsters.  You hear me Seattle?  The streets will run black with Starbucks House Blend!!  You snuck by us in Week 1 didn't you puke slap?  Well,  the day of reckoning is coming.  Then after the game I am going to sprint to mid-field and punch you in the face, in front of all your fans.  I hate you, you fruity feather duster.

 Meanwhile, the other Madison team found themselves facing a terribly flacid Affirmative Blacktion team.  However, this past Sunday, Head Coach Craig seemed so relaxed on the side line.  It could have been the countless unprotected sexual escapades in the Netherlands, or that he actually had a valid lineup for a change.  Either way, his team played hard but eventually fell to every mans enemy, the Banana Hammocks.  Wagner has his team looking lean, mean , and slightly obscene.  I love seeing defensive lineman wearing those mid-riff jerseys that the coach insists his defensive line wear.  This is the way men were meant to play football. 

What happened?  Gay moment?  Damn it.  Well, if the season would have ended on Monday, both Madison teams would find themselves in the playoffs.  However, only Coach Davy and his Crotch Caressers are a "worst to first" story.  That's right, the Banana Hammocks are all alone in first place.  I know that this is hard to understand, but things change you see.  Rather than using Madison as a punching back, I have been reduced to talking about how relevant their teams are.  It is much harder than I imagined.

Ok, enough of my nonsense.  Here's what happened this week.


D.C. Deep Fried Appetizers    vs    Kenosha Hungry Drunks
             113.7                                                 149.5

The Bootleggers continued their quest for the Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy, by stomping on the lifeless blobby form of the Clams.  Coach Sweeney had no answer for the DUI's, and it showed.  In the 4th Quarter coach Sweeney actually left the field, walked into the stands, up to a concession stand, ordered two hot dogs and a delicious beer, paid for them, walked back through the crowd, onto the field, ate one hot dog, drank some beer, ate the other hot dog, and polished off the beer.  Then looked up at the scoreboard, turned to no one and mouthed "We're still losing huh?".  Meanwhile, Coach Leiting spent his 4th quarter on the sidelines making Clam Chowder from scratch.  This guys dickery knows no limits.  I am not sure where he got the recipe for this chowder, but it called for a lot of Clam's.  Clearly Sweeney was unfazed, until he started opening bottles of whiskey and dumping them out on the field.  That just made Nick mad, which caused a running up of the score.  It did not help Sweeney Sweeney Cocoa Pop, that John Beck decided to be the Boner of the Week (5.3 pts).  Rather than shaking hands after the game, the two coaches agreed to punch each other in the nuts.  They were successful. 

After the game, it sounded like Coach B. Sween had no hard feelings:

I will fucking murder you.  (points sternly into camera)  You know I will Nick.  Mushroom stamp your forehead with my cock made of solid granite, then piss lava into your eye sockets.  Then I am going to make ass-hole chowder!!  Ok, that did come out right.  The point is, if I see you on the street, I am going to grab my dick and sling my middle finger in the air and just keep walking.  Suck my mineral dick.

Madison Hamaca de Banana    vs    Peligrosa Persona Negra
                 161.8                                            148.3

Normally the Spanish names would be funnier if Mark Sanchez had played, but Coach Davy called an audible (bye week) and went with Alex Smith.  Smith ended up being Wagners top scoring QB, since Tony Romo was too busy decorating baby nurseries on Sunday night.  On the other side of the field, Polish Punany King, Craig M., went with known Mexican sympathizer A.J. Feeley.  For those of you who may have joined us late, Coach M is currently taking the infamous "Euro-Titty Tour".  It has been a dream of his for many years, but the opportunity to go has clearly impacted his coaching this season.  He must have needed a break, the genitals can become sore and engorged, so he set a valid lineup.  This week, a valid lineup just was not good enough.  The Plantain Picker-Uppers got great performances from A.P. and Steven Jackson (33.2 and 35.1 pts respectively).  Coach Tits McBoobage, just does not have the fire power on that roster to keep up.  His Boner of the Week had to be Monterio Hardesty (0.6 points).  That guy got his big break and then got hurt almost immediately.

After the game Coach Davy gave us a word:

Anallingus

What?  Was that all he had to say after the game?  My producer is telling me, yes that was his official statement after the game.  Well, let's hear from Coach M:

Bonirvana 

What the hell is going on?  I don't have time for this.  Next game.  You two guys are fucking bizarre.   



 Kenosha Days in the Sun    vs.     Rochester Barf Noises
             117.5                                          88.2

You know you're having a bad day when Miami QB Matt Fucking Moore (12.6) scores more on the bench than your starter, Captain Dorkface McGee Phillip Rivers (10.9). The unlucky Squirts reversed their season's trend this week with a victory, having much of the juice come from unlikely sources. Sure, Anthony Dalton (15) and Christian Ponder(15.8) provided a more-than-adequate QB-waiver baseline, but players like Antonio Brown (21.7) and Kevin Walter (12) sealed the deal for Coach Senior.

Despite horrible, deplorable, disgusting performances from C.J. Spiller (2.9) and Jermaine Gresham (bagel), the elder coach was able to pull off an implausible victory with the help of the Bengals defense (20!) and Buffalo's kicker (12 and who cares what his name is).

Coach Cozine's Jizz Bolts didn't do much to prevent this unlikely defeat, with the Law Firm putting up a pathetic .9, Torain with a laughable 3 and the Cowboys defense/special teams actually subtracting two from the team's total.

That's nothing, however, in comparison to the shame of a Packers fan playing Minnesota tight end Visanthe Shiancoe (6.7). Was it worth it, Coach Dan? I hope so, because you still lost by 29.3. Traitor. Boner: CowpokesBenedict Arnold had this to say after the match:

"You know, I totally LIKE the Packers, but I live in Minnesota, so it's not really a thing. Sure, I root against the Badgers and for the Gophers, who are my alma mater, and I live in Minnesota and am married to a Minnesotan, but seriously, I'm a Packers fan. Seriously!"

That guy's integrity is totally in question, and I say that as a Hollywood Scientologist.

Hooray for the waiver wire finally paying off for the Crap Poopers.

Philadelphia Pissed About Last Week's Writeups    vs.    Seattle Writers
                             137.9                                                                93.5

On paper, this matchup skews in favor of last year's douche-champion. However, the Humpers' Giants depth-chart victor, Hakeem Nicks (12.7) this week paled in comparison to the real Victor, Mr. Cruz (22.9), currently in the employ of doucheramms los Pirates. Too bad, though, that Cruz sat dejected on the bench alongside Sidney Rice (17.2) for the Philadelphia Dickholes. Greg Lilttle (6), started. Chuck? Really? Dez Bryant is Dez-dun for the time-being at 5.8 points, and Jonathan Stewart produced a whopping 7.9 for Coach Kinzie.

But that's the end of the sad stories for the Ginger Jerker. Matt Stafford earned him 30 points and Frank Gore put up a stout 19.4. In fact, every player not previously mentioned broke into double-digits. All in all it was a pretty good showing from old Chuck, and Lou's Tree Fraggers really failed to produce. With an all-Jags D/ST and kicker scenario, plus playing an inactive Daniel Thomas at RB, it's no wonder Lil' Lou had trouble this week. It didn't help that his terrible QBs scored an average of 10.75 points while Matt Cassel sat on the bench at 11.8, but that wasn't going to save the day either.

Olsen the Minor was indignant after the match:

"I just got unlucky this week. I got outplayed at TE when I have the best one in the league, Arian Foster ruled with 19 points, Bradshaw did all that was expected of him. Chuck just got more points at every position than I did, and my D/ST and kicker were the worst decisions of my life so far, period. That equals a 45-point loss. That's just the math and reason of fantasy football."

He's right, he sucks. Terrible managing. [shudders] Boner: Daniel Thomas for not playing, like some sort of asshole.


Waukesha Earthtoys    vs.    Madison No-no Busters
            156.9                                       150.9

Coach Blake barely squeaked out this win against Tyson's reinvigorated crew of Madisonites this week. Propelled by a 30-point rockfest from wunderkind Cam Newton, not even Madison's respectable 23-point bottom two positions of kicker and defense could overcome. Blake probably got lucky with his fucking unbelievable 28-point performance from the Lions D/ST, but he's been dominating ever since Blake-gate, so there's really no arguing here. You know, except for Nic's incredible bitching:

"GOD DAMN IT. EVEN THOUGH EVERY LAYER BROUGHT IT TO THE TABLE, BLAKE'S HORSESHOE FUCKING ASS GOT 28 POINTS FROM HIS FUCKING DEFENSE? GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Boner: Vincent Jackson, for being the only player on the losing team with less than double-digits


A special thank you goes out to Brain Sweeney for making us these beautiful ecards.  As is tradition, here is a photo that Craig sent me.  I think i speak for all of us when I say, you unbelievable bastard.