Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch that is

article by Tim Couch

     Happy Friday everyone.  This week I have a very special guest, who goes by many names.  Many of you know him as Davy, but his formal name is Kurt Wagner.  Davy is the head coach of the Eastern Division leading Madison Banana Hammocks.   

Kurt Wagner, Demon

     After doing some research on the name Kurt Wagner, I came to a startling discovery.  According to X-Men folklore, Mr. Wagner also goes by the name 'Nightcrawler".  A mutant, Nightcrawler possesses superhuman agility, the ability to teleport, invisibility in deep shadows, and adhesive hands and feet. His physical mutations include blue skin, two-toed and -fingered feet and hands (not including thumbs), yellow eyes, and a prehensile tail.  According to certain texts, Davy Wagner is the bastard son of the devil.  This sounds like a guy I would not want to cross, yet you idiots play him every week. 

     To ease my anxiety, Nightcrawler Davy invited me to his banana plantation to take in some of the beauty Hawaii and  his delicious banana's have to offer.  As I pulled through the giant front gate (which was covered in men's underwear, naturally), I noticed several dark skinned folks walking the grounds.  Naturally, I assumed that they were slaves of some sort, but Davy assured me that they were simply random Hawaiians who roam his grounds looking for the lost treasure of Alohilani Punani.  Sounds made up, but who am I to judge. 

     Davy escorted me to a clearing with two hammocks, each hung from banyan trees.  It was a beautiful setting to pry deep into the psyche of one of the league's most evil geniuses.

TC:  Davy, thank you for having me out here.

DW:  My pleasure Tim.  It's not often we have visitors, at least not any more.

TC:  While I am puzzled by that last comment, I will let it go and dive right into some questions that I have for you.  What would you say is the biggest key to your success this season?

DW:  Tim, it was a lot of things.  First, I have a new lease on life.  Not everyday are you given a fully functional banana plantation in Hawaii to operate.  This plantation deserved a winning team, so I scraped my draft plans of the past and went with a new scheme.  You see Tim, by pulling my head out of my own ass this off-season, I was able to build a respectable football team and grow my business from just banana's, to banana's and hammocks...and hammocks for banana's...and tight fitting men's underwear/swimwear...we also make banana hammocks for ferrets now. 

TC:  This is actually a great segway into my next question, what is the story behind your name change for this season?

DW:  Quite frankly, I wanted to see how all of the other coach's would look in them, hence the beautiful photos every week. Not to mention the way they feel, ever so snug and supportive... I've said too much.  Let's just leave it as, a conscious business decision to further my growing business.  

TC:  Clearly you are spending less time there these days, but how has the city of Madison embraced these new winning ways?

DW:  Well, at first people where apprehensive, because I have hurt them before.  Then after a few weeks you started to see more rioting and cars being set a blaze.  Whenever I do head back to Madison, I generally find about 1,200-1,500 panties on my doorstep.  One of my cleaning ladies keeps them all in a box in my storage shed.  Now we have almost 17 boxes full of panties.  Can you imagine?

TC:  I actually can, there was a time where I had quite the panty collection myself. 

DW:  Really?

TC:  No.  Not really.  Talk to me about winning.  What are some of the perks between coaching a winning team and a losing team?

DW:  Well, just this week, some of the members of my team lured in some college co-eds with talk of Pucker and apple-tini's, for a late night pillow fight.  Last year, they could only convince the tranny hookers from the south side. That's a perk, right?

TC:  It sure is.  How did last years "Toilet Bowl" series affect you and your teams mentality going into this season?

DW:  Being in the "Toilet Bowl" was only part of the motivation. The real kick in the ass to improve came from constantly being compared to that heathen Nic Tyson.  Which was impossible to avoid, especially when you have two teams in the same city, with the same horrific record.  Those 3 games are probably one of the biggest black marks on my coaching resume.  Having fan-bases from the same city fighting over who was worse...it was just bad for the sport and the league. 

TC:  I agree, I have never seen anything quite like it.  You just mentioned the league, so let me ask you something.  If you were the commissioner, what changes would you make in the league?
DW:  One starting QB would be my big change. And there would be a few other ones in there, too. But being that I will see Charlie in a couple weeks, I'd like to go on the record saying that I love everything that he's ever done, or will do!! But, off the record, he's doing about as good as you did in your career as a QB, Couch.

TC:  Ouch, that was a shot wasn't it?

DW:  Sure was Tim. 

TC:  Kitty has claws after all.  Meeeeow.  This is something that I am going to ask everyone about this season, how do you feel about Coach Cozine's coaching choices/tactics this season?

DW:  Well, starting from the contribution to his team on draft day, I knew he would be pushover. It wasn't until the combination of demoting his boy-toy and reintroducing the "Jizz Bolts" name that I started to take him more seriously. Then I nearly doubled his score in week 7, so I'm back to laughing at him and wafting my air-poops in his general direction.

TC:  Air-poops huh?  Now I have heard everything.  Ok Davy, who would you say is your biggest rival in the league?

DW:  Well, I've never been able to figure out the riddle that is Blake Derr (big 'ol asterisk on this years outcome). And although I haven't played them yet, the Bootleggers seem like they'll be a worthy opponent.
TC:  Which team is least threatening to you?
DW:  Other than the British Columbia Lions that you led for a couple years, Tim, I'd have to say it would be Mrs. Moylan's Affirmative Blacktion. They're ability to start injured players and players on bye weeks is unparalleled to any other team in the league... even if they were getting Euro-trash poon.

TC:  If you could let one other coach run your team, who would you choose?
DW:  Anyone but Craig, Sweeney, Dan, Tractor Trailor, Lil' Lou, Tyson, Ginger nuts, Leiting or Blake. I guess that only leaves Cozine's little boy-toy, shit.  The Malaysian guy it is. 

TC:  Davy, thank you for your time and having me into your beautiful tropical paradise.  Let's finish this interview off, with Tim's Ten Questions.

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?
DW:  Counting the 2 by my house, probably around 45,002
TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?
DW:  Davy, all the things he didn't do.
TC:  Is Elvis really dead?
DW:  No chance, I saw him a few dozen times in Vegas this past July
TC:  Tupac?
DW:  Not sure, I recall Sweeney dressing up like him for Halloween some years back. He might know more than me on this front.
TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?
DW:  Birds, I would kindly ask that they stop pooping on my car.
TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
DW:  Alabama Hot Pocket
TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?
DW:  I've consumed both... in the same night.
TC:  How are M&M's made?
DW:  A thin candy shell on a load of rabbit poo.
TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
DW:  Calvin Johnson
TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
DW:  What, Canadians aren't on the list? Commies.