Week 9 Recap: So close and yet so far

by John Travolta

This is my new album cover.  You guys like it?

What's up boners? Time to over analyze the week's West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football action! Actually, it was less action and more looking at computers and smartphones, but you get my drift.

This week we had close games and blowouts. Both epic battles and unilateral colon scraping. Truly, this has got to be the least predictable fantasy league in the universe, right? Right! So, we predictably hurdle through space to the playoffs. Not so certain, however, is the result of this year's suck-fest.

Who will part the waters of mediocrity and breathe life into his checking account? Who will sail toward a net payout of "$0.00 plus three months of scrounging the waiver?" And finally, who will be among those slain and strewn about at the base of Dick Mountain? Only the future will tell, in this crazy, crazy world we live in.

The following weeks are crucial to several teams we'll call "The 99%," all hovering at 5-4. In fact, a full half of our league belongs to that faction, which is mind-blowing given their name. The next weeks will separate the douches from the dongs, and the league is in dire need of some decisive (and divisive) results. You bastards love each other with the heart and soul (and dick) (and butthole) of Sigfried and Roy, but nobody is going to benefit from a 10-way tie.

For L. Ron's sake, sputum lips (and that's plural): Take the gloves off! Let the keyboards run red with blood! Ruin some lives! It's the fantasy football way.

After that look forward, here's our look back at the week's inanity (yes, inanity).


Banana Boats vs. Swashbuckling Kiesters
        117.3                       147.8

There really wasn't anything Coach Davy could have changed to beat out old Chuck this week. The Pirates just plain outplayed the Sack Slings. The stat that stands out is the discrepancy between Davy's Beanie Wells (5.3) and Chuckles' San Diego whale vagina's Mike Tolbert (24.2) and Antonio Gates (23.6). Everything else was pretty ho-hum and predictable. Boner of the week: Beanie Wells

Coach Kinzie was ebullient after the game:

"Ah yes... Sweet, sweet victory. It tastes so sweet... Davy doesn't remember it, but he bet me that since we'll both be in Minneapolis this weekend, that the winner of this game would teabag the loser. Well I'm looking forward to that more than I probably should be. Don't pass out, Jones!"

Testes Ticklers vs. Shrub Huggers
         145                       160

This game, at first glance, appears somewhat close. Actually it was not quite as competitive as it seemed. Tyson's Berry Blasters received a huge shot in the arm from Vincent Jackson (39.1), yet ANOTHER over performing Charger. Aside from that, things were pretty lopsided.

For every Tyson Michael Bush (20.9) or Pierre Thomas (19.1), Little Lou answered with an Arian Foster (26) or a Brandon Jacobs (20). And on top of that, Julio Jones came out of goddamn nowhere with 31.4 points. Oh yeah, and apparently Willis McGahee rose from the dead and scored 28.3 points for Lou.............'s bench. And if that weren't insult enough, Poor Tyson's defense, the Chiefs, got blown out by the winless Miami Dolphins, stealing two points from his bottom line. I guess that's what he gets for playing the Chiefs defense. Consider that move, Bonered (of the week).

Coach Lou was overheard after the game speaking with Darrius Heyward Bey (0.0):

"OK. In the last four games, you averaged almost 100 yards receiving. This week, zero.  Against the BRONCOS. What do you think this is, fucking Pee-Wee football? NO! IT'S FANTASY FOOTBALL, YOU BUM! NEXT WEEK IS SAN DIEGO!! THEY CAN PUT UP POINTS! YOU SEE VINCENT JACKSON? MIKE TOLBERT?? ANTONIO FUCKING GATES THE GODDAMN TIGHT END WHO SCORED TWENTY-SOME POINTS?? That's it. If this happens EVER. AGAIN. Death by a thousand cuts. I don't mean emotional cuts, I mean real cuts, with a manila envelope or something equally rigid and dull. I've got my eyes on you, Bey, and the streets will run red with your blood."

Yeesh, Lou. [I think he's serious!]


K-Town ...You're Fuckeds     vs.    Rochester...Name Change Addicts
            172.3                                                         121.2

Coach Cozine changed his name for the 4th or 5th time this season, to the very confusing --Rochester Not Means.  Is that a plea Cozine?  Are you saying that you want me to be nicer to you?  Do you think you're better than me?  I am confused.  Was there a memo about the name change?  What am I missing here?  Who is mean to you?  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US DAN?!?!?!!?

Sorry about that, let's talk about the game.  Philip Rivers had a day to remember, scoring 33.3 points in a losing effort.  That includes penalties for 3 interceptions, but it would not have been enough as the Bootleggers continued to steam roll everyone.  Cozine was not helped by Michael Vick's unusually meek fantasy output of 9.9 pts.  That was bad enough to earn Michael Vick his first, Boner of the Week Award.  No one is helping themselves when they take the field against the Drunk Dicks.  Coach Nick continues to play hunches, as his call to start Tim Tebow works perfectly.  Football Jesus racked up 28.8 points to lead AA meeting this week.  This is the only team that appears to have it's playoff spot locked.  Alot can happen, but no matter who that Bottle Sucker throws out there they score points. 

After the game Coach Nick was shockingly nice to his opponent:

I hope you don't mind, this week I prepared a formal statement. 

Coach Cozine,

Please allow me to be the first to to answer your request of kindness.  You deserve it.  Sure, you blew us all off to go lay on the beach to start the season.  So what, I probably would have blown everyone off too.  You heard me.  And then you may have pissed in everyones face when you walked in to draft a kicker, then left.  Big deal, you have huge balls, always have.  Some people disagreed when you decided to let a Malaysian drag queen coach your team.  Who cares, you fired him and learned your lesson.  Then your wife paid your dues.  You lucky fucker.  If only my wife agreed to write a check for my fantasy dues, but I'll be damned if that woman is going to have access to my money.  Bottom line, you are a nice guy.  Probably too nice.  You make Mr. Belvedere look like Hitler.  Please accept my congratulations on a wonderful season.  Truly something you can be proud of.  Everyone dreams of coaching a 4-5 team.  Play on playa!

Leiting, OUT!!



Black Action Lawsuit    vs    Kenosha Doody Geysers
          134.9                                           139

By sealing a very close victory this weekend, the Hershey Squirts have put together a winning streak at 2 games.  Due to the mediocrity of the East division, he is only two games back.  That is not a type-o, Big Lou...the Tractor Trailor is making a late season run.  The waiver wire is a game of numbers gentlemen.  They can't all suck.  Meanwhile, Coach Craig just can't seem to find a lineup that works.  Normally, this is where I would make a European related sexual intercourse joke to explain why Craig lost.  However, WWSW has learned that Moylan has actually returned stateside and was last spotted in Portland, Oregon.  Clearly making his way to Seattle for this weekends game.  That must be the reason for his valid lineup this weekend.  Well guys, no more freebies at Moylan's expense. 

The Blackies got amazing performances from their big 3; Matt Ryan, Eli Manning, and Ray Rice.  But, the Squirts just got more consistent performances across the board from unlikely sources.  Emerging fantasy stud Andy Dalton threw up 27.1 points, while the receiving corps of Wes Welker, Plaxico Burress and Antonio Brown combined for over 40 points.  This game was pretty evenly matched and ultimately came down to Sunday night's Steelers Ravens game.  Luckily for Lou Sr., it was not a Charger and Packers situation.  The Tractor Trailer did have the boner of the week, Knowshon Moreno scored 2.8 points.  We talked to the Senior after the game:

Well, I feel pretty good about how we played to day.  It wasn't like we fucked the prom queen or anything, but it was ok.  I'd feel alot better if we could score more than 140 points.  This is a good start though.  I am proud that the team has not given up hope.  No matter how frequently I show players the door, the guys that I bring back buy into the system.  Then I usually cut them too, I am not even sure who is on my team anymore.  I feel like my son's team is nothing more than guys that I have cut.  Can't wait to see that little shit in Vegas in two weeks.  Gobble gobble mother fucker.  What was I talking about?  Oh my strategy, it's what I like to call a "revolving door approach" to coaching.  There was a bit of a learning curve, but I think I am starting to get everyone to buy in to my system.  No matter how strange it may seem to the untrained eye, which is what I call every other coach.  I hate young people.

D.C. Clamela Anderson's    vs    Waukesha RIP Joe Frazier's
               146.7                                                 141.8

Aaron Rodgers is the baddest man in fantasy football.  If you compare top scorers in this game, there is no comparison.  Rodgers threw for 39.1 points, while recently un-retired Carson Palmer had 25.6 points.  Not close, right?  The problem for Coach Derr, was that the rest of his team was very anti-Rodgers.  No one was downright awful, but Rodgers was a hog amongst guinea pigs.  The next highest scorer for Blake was Michael Turner, with 14.8 points.  It was a true feast or famine game for the Rope-a-dopers. 

Somehow the Clamities put together a scoring barrage early on, this allowed DeSean Jackson to Boner it up with 2.8 points.  The Clams roster may look weak on paper, but if Drew Brees and Carson Palmer get hot during the final half of the season this team could blow people...away.  Rob Gronkoski threw down 24.1 points, which certainly didn't hurt.  Wait a minute, wasn't Gronkoski on the Hershey Squirts at one point?  Man, what player in this leagues has not been on Big Lou's team?

After the game Coach Sweens McDuck was clearly on mushrooms:

I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver playing the accordion.  I want to make an image for myself as an outlaw type. A kind of rock 'n' roll sensibility.  Kurt Russell in Tombstone, but wearing ass-less leather chaps.  Grape colored panda bears are swinging anchors in the B-7 quadrant of my brain grid.  Football is like pickles, once you open the jar, good things come out.  How good was Carson Daly today?  He's on my team right?  Everyone!!  Look at John Travolta, he has his own head...where his mouth should be...it's awful... AHHH!!!!!!!!


I am not sure what happened, but he ran out of the room.  That man has lost his mind. 

Ok, get out of here.  Before you go, here is a hot chick.

Too soon?