Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch That Is

Someday, when I look back on my career, this weeks interview will be one of my proudest moments.  This week I was....once again invited to Hawaii, for the second straight week, but this time with a little twist.  It turns out that Davy Wagner and Nic Tyson are roommates of sorts. 

As I made my way past the front gates covered in men's cloth nut cradles, I saw the oh too familiar sight of random Hawaiians roaming the front yard.  This time, the driver took me on a path I had not been on last week.  The path lead to former WWSW Public Enemy #1, Nic Tyson.

I found Coach Tyson standing next to what appeared to be a giant Ny-Quil gel tab.  I later learned it was a small submarine, which would take me to Nic's underwater hideaway.  Initially, I felt like Tyson could be some kind of James Bond villain.  It turns out he made some smart Rugby related investments, and always dreamed of living below the sea. 

With his earnings he built an elegant home beneath the Hawaiian sea.  It was a home fit for a king.  Hard to imagine a football coach living in such amazing surroundings, with virtually no contact with the outside world.  Tyson was kind enough to lead me to the lounge area, which was decorated like a the set of a 1970's sitcom. 

This week I am sad to announce that there was no tea at this weeks interview.  Instead, Nic gave me an all natural pineapple liqueur mixed with pineapple juice.  Truly, all the tastes of Hawaii in one drink.

TC:  Nic, thank you so much for having me out here this week.  I can not believe that this was under my nose the entire time I was here last week.

NT:  This is where I like to come when I need to think and get away from Davy's incessant nagging. 

TC:  Well, let's start by talking about this season, which to date has been fairly successful.  How have things been different for you this year?

NT:   I actually was close to throwing in the towel early this year; I had Jamaal Charles in all 3 of my leagues.  So when he went down...well, let's just say I drank a lot of Pineapple coolers.  This year I think I've been doing a better job of actively searching out trades and looking at waiver pickups.  Those are two things I tried to stay away from last year and in the end I think it doomed me to the league cellar.  Plus, my girlfriend lives in California, so I have cut way back on the distractions.  When she's around...well let's just say, not much football gets coached.

TC:  That Jamaal Charles injury was tough.  He was your first round draft pick.  Going into the draft, what did you focus on? Was there anything in particular that you were looking for?

NT:  I'm not going to give away my trade secrets, but I usually focus on finding a good mix of proven, consistent players and possible breakouts.  Obviously Charles' injury was just one of those things you can never forecast.  My team still has a strong core that we built through the draft.

TC:  Like many teams this year, you changed your team name, what was the motivation behind the "Scrotum Smashers" name?

NT:  I think that too many people weren't frightened by the superstitious figure of the Chupacabra last year.  Probably due to the lack of Mexicans in the league.  I figured it would be a much more effective form of intimidation to threaten my rivals with testicular demolition instead.  And don't kid yourself, most of them know that it is a real possibility with me around.

TC:  I would like to take you back to the end of last season.  Both you and Davy had awful seasons.  The city of Madison was so fortunate to have two teams, but to have both be bottom feeders was difficult.  Then Commissioner Kinzie elected to have a 3 game series to decide who was the worst team.  It pitted roommates, neighbors, and mythical beasts against each other.  Your Madison Chupacabra's lost what was called "The Toilet Bowl", to Davy's Firebirds (now the Banana Hammocks).  What was it like to be put on full display for three straight weeks?

NT:  It was a two-fold attack for me. See, if I beat Davy, I would be forced to listen to him complain about it for 6 months.  But if I lost, half of Madison would want me tarred, feathered, and in all likelihood killed.  So, I decided to take the high road...I threw The Toilet Bowl.  I tried to throw the games for a couple reasons. First, to try and get the #1 draft pick this year (which subsequently was taken away from me thanks to a dog) which I thought was a good move for the future of this team. Second, I did it to boost Davy's self-esteem  That decision has led to a much happier home life.  I do not regret that decision.

TC:  Wow, you just blew my mind.  Let's change momentum here and cover something a little more serious.  Last year, you were the most hated man in media.  Every member of the WWSW staff was out to get you, John Travolta, Ryan Leaf, and Lou Olsen were all out to get you.  I have heard their side of the story.  Why did you refuse to do an interview last year? 

NT:   Honestly, I never felt like any of the three of them ever deserved my attention. You've got a Scientologist, who believes in all kinds of bizarre LSD induced alien jibber-jabber.  THen you have the biggest bust in the history of all sports.  Ryan Leaf?  Are you kidding me?  Why would I want to talk with that guy?  What a loser.  And Olsen...just some hippie that couldn't live up to his friend's/family's expectations and ran away to the far coast to hide his shame and obvious homosexuality.  I spit on all three of them. 

TC:  Well, now I thought you and Travolta had cleared up your rift?

NT:  Me and Saturday Night Fever are fine.  But, I don't have time to worry about the other two.

TC:  Now you and Olsen just played each other, were there any words exchanged after the game?

NT:  No, everything was civil.  Lou was lucky to pull one out last week because his team is not very good.  Which was very unfortunate for me because I have to face the meat-grinder this week.  What are the odds that my team beats the Bootleggers?  Then he gets to play Craig's mess of a team.  It's hard to be in playoff mode and lose a game against that hipster.

TC:   Do you still hold a grudge against Lou?

NT:  I don't think I've ever held a grudge. I've learned that one of my main shortcomings in dealing with people is that I expect too much from them. I've been trying to work on that, as you can see from me agreeing to an interview this year.

TC:  And I can not thank you enough for this.  It is a real treat for me. 

NT:  Yeah, it's not so bad after all. 

TC:  Well, we are in the home stretch now.  Who would you say is your biggest rival in the league?
NT:  Unfortunately, I would say that my biggest rival is the Firebird himself, David Jones. Not for any competition reasons, but just because we share the same roof. I can't tell you how many times I had to put up with Davy shoving the Toilet Bowl Trophy in my face last year. I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I threw the games.
TC:  How could it be any other way, right.  Then which team is least threatening to you?

NT:  I would say the Clam Faces are the least threatening. It all starts at the top. I hope he knows that I respect his beard-growing ability, but there is no possible way that I could ever be intimidated by Brian Sweeney. His frail frame, his meticulous vocabulary, his past love of PT Cruisers...I just can't see it. Just because you have strong hands and listen to retarded death metal doesn't make you a tough guy.
TC:  If you could let one other coach run your team, who would you choose?
NT:  Definitely Blake Derr. If there was anyone I could count on to make the tough decisions and to tell people how it is, it would be Blake.

TC:  This has been wonderful Nic.  Of course, now you know that it is time for Tim's Ten Questions.

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

NT:  Maybe 32000, plus or minus 10,000

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

NT:  Rugby and Whiskey: the Secret to Happiness
TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

NT:  Yes

TC:  Tupac?

NT:  Yes, what is with you and these conspiracy theories!?!?

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

NT:  A bear (grizzly or kodiak). Apex predator. Tough and large and you don't want to fuck with me. But can also be cuddly in the right circumstances.

TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
NT:  Cosby Sweater, it almost certainly involves feces.

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

NT:  I take both when I go camping

TC:  How are M&M's made?

NT:  I don't eat candy. I know where steak comes from...

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
NT:  I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers and I'm sorry that it's a very obvious answer, but I have my reasons. He's from California, I love California. He's a great player, I am too. But most importantly, he isn't married. I would love to be a rich professional football player with nothing holding me down. I can't believe all of the people in my league have just rushed into long-term relationships. Enjoy you youths, idiots!!

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
.NT:  American Southerners. I have to deal with them more consistently and their stupidity has a ton of input into how this country runs.


Again, a special thank you Nic Tyson for letting us in to his underwater lair.  We learned that Nic Tyson is a man, a man's man, a ladies man, and a business man...oh and a coach.  I wish him nothing but the best for the rest of this season.  See you all next week.