Week 10 Re-Cap: Is Anyone Still Alive?

I am considering living forever, does that scare you?

I have never seen a week claim so many football lives.  Not only on the field of play, but on our fantasy field.  That sounds much more fun than I had intended it too...a fantasy field.  Whips and chains and bondage...THAT is a fantasy field.  Did I have a point to this?

Yes.  I.   Did.  In true Tractor Trailer fashion, last years fantasy darling, Peyton Hillis, has been released from the Kenosha Hershey Squirts.  It was a move that surprises almost no one.  Hillis has virtually no value at this point, after missing his 6th straight game this past Sunday.  The Browns rendered him useless when he has been healthy, which was only 4 times.  This was a thorn in the old man's side for too long.  Big Lou did what he does best, went to work on the waiver wire and punched Hillis in the face with his pink slip. 

Normally, Hillis would draw a lot of attention on the free agent market.  But, I find it hard to believe that too many of you will be in the market for an over-weight, trailer trash looking, Madden cursed guy who plays for the Browns.  Speaking of things taking a media-friendly turn for the worst, take a look at Mr. Seniors roster the day after the draft (and really think about last season heading into this one):

QB) Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman
RB) Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis
WR) Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker
TE) JerMichael Finley and Jimmy Graham
D/ST) Bears

That is not a half bad team on paper.  The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress.  Welcome to fantasy football old man.  It will rip your heart out, stuff it down your throat, feed you laxatives, wait for you to poop it out, shovel it up, take it inside, toss it in his 1800's wood burning stove.  Then it will take Matlock one hour to solve the crime.  So much promise, so much pain...just like my movie "From Paris with Love".  It's the one where I am bald and have a goatee.  Nevermind.

There were so many injuries this week, including the starting QB's for two teams vying for playoff spots.  Let's quit farting around and get to the good parts...


K-Town Drunk Drivers    vs    Madison Scrotal Road Kill
            143                                                      118

I have never heard of Tim Tebow, or his friend Jesus.  Be that as it may, I can not believe that it is possible to score 19.1 points whilst only completing 2 passes.  Let alone that he could be the leading scorer on the most ferocious offense in the league.  And why are we seeing jerseys that say Jesus on them, with his number?  Is that his nickname?  Is Jesus important for some reason?  Well, Coach Leiting probably can't thank sweet Xenu enough for another golden waiver wire pick-up. 

Coach Tyson is having a rough go of it right now.  I have no doubt that Nic got in there and told them how important this game was.  Too bad Vincent Jackson was too busy being a Boner to get the message, his 3.2 points was just enough to outscore Kicker Billy Cundiff who had 3 points in the loss.  However, Michael Bush got the message loud and clear by leading all Scrots with 33.2 points. 

After the game, we talked to Coach Tyson about next week:

I am looking forward to facing Cozine.  Normally I would call them by their team name, but after the second change I lost track of what they were called.  So, for the sake of the rest of this statement, we will call them "The Goldy Gonads".  If we can not beat a team that is primarily made up of people a Malaysian boy found attractive, then we can kiss our playoff hopes goodbye.  Losing games to a team like the Bootsnifters, is fine if you can beat the teams you should beat.  The Goldy Gonads are a team that we should blow out of the water.  For Fuck's sake, this week their leading scorer was the defense.  I am coming for you Goldy...you will not deprive the good people of Madison the playoff birth they justly deserve.  I am going to split your sack from shaft to a-hole.  Sleep tight.

Madison Strawberry Cots    vs    D.C. Oyster Skulls
              122.6                                       126.6

First thing is first, I believe we have an all-time Boner of the Week record, the Buffalo Bills provided -6 points to Coach Davy Jones-Wagner.  You can see how this might be very distressing to DJW, for you see he lost the game by 4 points.  All of the Tony Romo magic in the world could not undo the damage caused by the play of the defense.  Rob Gronkowski went completely goat shit and scored 31.3 points to lead Sweens McDuck crew of misfit toys. 

The big story in this game was the impressive play of Carson Palmer.  For the second straight week, Palmer has played like a top tier quarterback for Shellfish Crusaders.  If this duo of Drew Brees and Carson Palmer can stay hot, Sweens and company could be the front-runners in the East Division.

After the game Davy was not very happy:

Lalala.  Happy fucking fun time out there.  We like to play the defense, it is fun.  Der dee derr derr derr

 

Rochester Rainbows   vs.    Chicago Dingleberries
             116.3                                   145.5

I thought it would be nice to go retro on this one.  Coach Cozine kept it retro by letting his defense do the talking.  The Artist's formerly known as the Rainbows, were the anti-Firebirds (see what I am doing here) by letting their defense be the leading scorer.  That is probably why the Pride Parades fell to the always terrifying Philadelphia Chicago crew, who were lead this week by Larry Fitzgerald and his 33.6 points.  That is a name we have not heard very much of this season.  Nice to see that he can catch passes when his quarterback is not awful.  Speaking of not awful, Chuckles can always count on Tom Brady to never score less than 25 points...which was the case again this week. 

You know what did not help either team?  The running backs, Double-Boners are awarded to BenJarvus Green-Ellis (0.8 pts) and Frank Gore (1.8 pts).  Neither coach could have been thrilled with their backs after the game. 

After the game Kinzie wanted to laugh at someone:

Hey Dan!  I gotcha bitch.  It's too bad we only get to play once this year.  Whooping your ass twice a year would be so much sweeter.  Hey Dan!  The Badgers smoked your precious Goldy Gophers this past weekend too.  That's what I LIKE TO CALL...THE DOUBLE-WHAMMY!!!  Ride that giggle stick baby!  Whoo!!!  And I can't wait to stick  it to Sweeney this weekend.  The time of the Ginger is upon us.  REPENT.  Or be vanquished by the all mighty ginger!!!!

 

Kenosha Dookie Squeaks    vs    Waukesha Poo Punchers
               132.7                                        137.8

Aaron Rodgers is the equivalent of fantasy football Satan.  You love him if he is on your side, but if he's not he might be the baddest mother on this earth.  Rodgers lead all scorers this week with 36.1 points and Blake needed every last one.  The bigger news for Blake and the Fist Tossers, losing #2 QB Matt Schaub for the rest of the season.  Schaub is one of several players to have lost the rest of their season over the weekend.  It is a big blow to a team that is still right in the thick of the playoff race in the East division.

The Poo Poo Platters finally got some points out of Chris Johnson, who was also in danger of hitting the waiver wire this week.  Luckily he was able to churn out his season high, 27.4 points and save his roster spot.  And yet, the Dung Sharts still managed to find a major Boner.  Willis McGehee, who was just acquired via trade a few days earlier, scored a meager 1.7 points before leaving the game with an injury.  What a boner that turned out to be. 

After the game, Blake was not sure what he was going to do:

I have no idea what we are going to do without Matt (Schaub).  Wait, what am I talking about?  I have Aaron Rodgers.  As long as he is on our roster, we will always have a chance.  I am coming for you Ginger Nuts and Sweeney.  Three weeks left in the regular season means three more opportunities for you two nerd to blow it.  Don't kid yourselves, the Claymakers will be in the Championship Game again this year.  By the arm of Aaron Rodgers, it shall come to pass.

Seattle Bush Blowers    vs    Craigs Gaggle of Blackness
          134.6                                         137.4

With a lot of close games this weekend, this was certainly the closest.  Unfortunately, the reigning champs also fell victim to a defense scoring negative points.  There is no doubt that Coach Olsen earned the Double Boner award; Jets D scored -2 points and Matt Cassel is out for the season and lost to Tim Tebow...who once again...completed TWO passes.  Cassel's season ending injury puts the Leaf Lovers in a very tough position since they had no back-up on the roster.  Another team fighting for playoff glory, losses a key player over the weekend.  This season could not possibly get more fascinating.

Which leads us to Coach Moylan and his band of Euro-Syphs.  No one on the team did anything to blow anyone else away.  Matt Ryan was his leading scorer with a 24.9 point Sunday.  While the playoffs may seem like a stretch, the LadySmith Black Mumbazo's are still very much alive in the playoff race in the West with a 3-7 record.  Should Craig's team catch fire and win the final three games, anything can happen in this league.

After the game, Coach Craig was pleased:

Man, it feels good to get a win.  It's amazing what can happen when you set a valid lineup, prepare for bye weeks, and actually put some effort into your fantasy team.  If only I had done that while I was off gallivanting for poon in the Swiss Alps, maybe my team would not be in the hunt for the 1st overall pick next year.  Well, live and learn I guess.  In hindsight, I probably would still choose the cooter over this league, but that is in the past now.  That team we played today is not bad, but they are not that good either, so maybe we are turning this ship around.  I don't know.  If you will excuse me, it is my turn to bake the post game crack...any of you have some cinnamon or baking soda?

Well, the playoffs are quickly approaching.  Be on the look out for some very insightful work from this site leading up to final days of the regular season.  Now, in order to curb your lust for cleavage, here is a chick with a lot of it.