This Week's Re-Cap...or...Underperforming Fecal Matter?

article by John Travolta

    
     It's actually a trick question, for you see this weeks re-cap is equal too underperforming fecal matter.  Two teams scored less than 100 points this week, which in the 1800's earned you a lynchin'.  This has to be the season of underperforming.  From individual players (Chris Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Nate Kaeding), to individual teams (Black team,  Gay team, and...Dan's Gay team), all the way to my marriage...sexual potency...gayness...Best Buy stock? 

     Don't get me wrong, there were a few games that had some value.  Nic Tyson was never quite able to completely splatter Blake's man berries.  One touchdown, was all that separated a win from a loss (156.9 - 150.9).  It's amazing to believe that Tyson is playing meaningful games every week.  Even with the loss to the Right-Hookers, Tyson still finds himself alone in 2nd place in the West division.  Defying all sense of reason and logic, Nic Tyson called a press conference yesterday to issue an apology of sorts:

We may have overlooked the game this weekend.  I personally am to blame for this weeks loss.  Last week I made it very clear that I am gunning for Coach Olsen and his Topiary Ticklers.  In our preparations for this weeks game, yours truly may have been looking past this weekends game.  For that I apologize, but I will not apologize for the thrashing that is coming to Seattle this weekend.  It's open season on hipsters.  You hear me Seattle?  The streets will run black with Starbucks House Blend!!  You snuck by us in Week 1 didn't you puke slap?  Well,  the day of reckoning is coming.  Then after the game I am going to sprint to mid-field and punch you in the face, in front of all your fans.  I hate you, you fruity feather duster.

 Meanwhile, the other Madison team found themselves facing a terribly flacid Affirmative Blacktion team.  However, this past Sunday, Head Coach Craig seemed so relaxed on the side line.  It could have been the countless unprotected sexual escapades in the Netherlands, or that he actually had a valid lineup for a change.  Either way, his team played hard but eventually fell to every mans enemy, the Banana Hammocks.  Wagner has his team looking lean, mean , and slightly obscene.  I love seeing defensive lineman wearing those mid-riff jerseys that the coach insists his defensive line wear.  This is the way men were meant to play football. 

What happened?  Gay moment?  Damn it.  Well, if the season would have ended on Monday, both Madison teams would find themselves in the playoffs.  However, only Coach Davy and his Crotch Caressers are a "worst to first" story.  That's right, the Banana Hammocks are all alone in first place.  I know that this is hard to understand, but things change you see.  Rather than using Madison as a punching back, I have been reduced to talking about how relevant their teams are.  It is much harder than I imagined.

Ok, enough of my nonsense.  Here's what happened this week.


D.C. Deep Fried Appetizers    vs    Kenosha Hungry Drunks
             113.7                                                 149.5

The Bootleggers continued their quest for the Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy, by stomping on the lifeless blobby form of the Clams.  Coach Sweeney had no answer for the DUI's, and it showed.  In the 4th Quarter coach Sweeney actually left the field, walked into the stands, up to a concession stand, ordered two hot dogs and a delicious beer, paid for them, walked back through the crowd, onto the field, ate one hot dog, drank some beer, ate the other hot dog, and polished off the beer.  Then looked up at the scoreboard, turned to no one and mouthed "We're still losing huh?".  Meanwhile, Coach Leiting spent his 4th quarter on the sidelines making Clam Chowder from scratch.  This guys dickery knows no limits.  I am not sure where he got the recipe for this chowder, but it called for a lot of Clam's.  Clearly Sweeney was unfazed, until he started opening bottles of whiskey and dumping them out on the field.  That just made Nick mad, which caused a running up of the score.  It did not help Sweeney Sweeney Cocoa Pop, that John Beck decided to be the Boner of the Week (5.3 pts).  Rather than shaking hands after the game, the two coaches agreed to punch each other in the nuts.  They were successful. 

After the game, it sounded like Coach B. Sween had no hard feelings:

I will fucking murder you.  (points sternly into camera)  You know I will Nick.  Mushroom stamp your forehead with my cock made of solid granite, then piss lava into your eye sockets.  Then I am going to make ass-hole chowder!!  Ok, that did come out right.  The point is, if I see you on the street, I am going to grab my dick and sling my middle finger in the air and just keep walking.  Suck my mineral dick.

Madison Hamaca de Banana    vs    Peligrosa Persona Negra
                 161.8                                            148.3

Normally the Spanish names would be funnier if Mark Sanchez had played, but Coach Davy called an audible (bye week) and went with Alex Smith.  Smith ended up being Wagners top scoring QB, since Tony Romo was too busy decorating baby nurseries on Sunday night.  On the other side of the field, Polish Punany King, Craig M., went with known Mexican sympathizer A.J. Feeley.  For those of you who may have joined us late, Coach M is currently taking the infamous "Euro-Titty Tour".  It has been a dream of his for many years, but the opportunity to go has clearly impacted his coaching this season.  He must have needed a break, the genitals can become sore and engorged, so he set a valid lineup.  This week, a valid lineup just was not good enough.  The Plantain Picker-Uppers got great performances from A.P. and Steven Jackson (33.2 and 35.1 pts respectively).  Coach Tits McBoobage, just does not have the fire power on that roster to keep up.  His Boner of the Week had to be Monterio Hardesty (0.6 points).  That guy got his big break and then got hurt almost immediately.

After the game Coach Davy gave us a word:

Anallingus

What?  Was that all he had to say after the game?  My producer is telling me, yes that was his official statement after the game.  Well, let's hear from Coach M:

Bonirvana 

What the hell is going on?  I don't have time for this.  Next game.  You two guys are fucking bizarre.   



 Kenosha Days in the Sun    vs.     Rochester Barf Noises
             117.5                                          88.2

You know you're having a bad day when Miami QB Matt Fucking Moore (12.6) scores more on the bench than your starter, Captain Dorkface McGee Phillip Rivers (10.9). The unlucky Squirts reversed their season's trend this week with a victory, having much of the juice come from unlikely sources. Sure, Anthony Dalton (15) and Christian Ponder(15.8) provided a more-than-adequate QB-waiver baseline, but players like Antonio Brown (21.7) and Kevin Walter (12) sealed the deal for Coach Senior.

Despite horrible, deplorable, disgusting performances from C.J. Spiller (2.9) and Jermaine Gresham (bagel), the elder coach was able to pull off an implausible victory with the help of the Bengals defense (20!) and Buffalo's kicker (12 and who cares what his name is).

Coach Cozine's Jizz Bolts didn't do much to prevent this unlikely defeat, with the Law Firm putting up a pathetic .9, Torain with a laughable 3 and the Cowboys defense/special teams actually subtracting two from the team's total.

That's nothing, however, in comparison to the shame of a Packers fan playing Minnesota tight end Visanthe Shiancoe (6.7). Was it worth it, Coach Dan? I hope so, because you still lost by 29.3. Traitor. Boner: CowpokesBenedict Arnold had this to say after the match:

"You know, I totally LIKE the Packers, but I live in Minnesota, so it's not really a thing. Sure, I root against the Badgers and for the Gophers, who are my alma mater, and I live in Minnesota and am married to a Minnesotan, but seriously, I'm a Packers fan. Seriously!"

That guy's integrity is totally in question, and I say that as a Hollywood Scientologist.

Hooray for the waiver wire finally paying off for the Crap Poopers.

Philadelphia Pissed About Last Week's Writeups    vs.    Seattle Writers
                             137.9                                                                93.5

On paper, this matchup skews in favor of last year's douche-champion. However, the Humpers' Giants depth-chart victor, Hakeem Nicks (12.7) this week paled in comparison to the real Victor, Mr. Cruz (22.9), currently in the employ of doucheramms los Pirates. Too bad, though, that Cruz sat dejected on the bench alongside Sidney Rice (17.2) for the Philadelphia Dickholes. Greg Lilttle (6), started. Chuck? Really? Dez Bryant is Dez-dun for the time-being at 5.8 points, and Jonathan Stewart produced a whopping 7.9 for Coach Kinzie.

But that's the end of the sad stories for the Ginger Jerker. Matt Stafford earned him 30 points and Frank Gore put up a stout 19.4. In fact, every player not previously mentioned broke into double-digits. All in all it was a pretty good showing from old Chuck, and Lou's Tree Fraggers really failed to produce. With an all-Jags D/ST and kicker scenario, plus playing an inactive Daniel Thomas at RB, it's no wonder Lil' Lou had trouble this week. It didn't help that his terrible QBs scored an average of 10.75 points while Matt Cassel sat on the bench at 11.8, but that wasn't going to save the day either.

Olsen the Minor was indignant after the match:

"I just got unlucky this week. I got outplayed at TE when I have the best one in the league, Arian Foster ruled with 19 points, Bradshaw did all that was expected of him. Chuck just got more points at every position than I did, and my D/ST and kicker were the worst decisions of my life so far, period. That equals a 45-point loss. That's just the math and reason of fantasy football."

He's right, he sucks. Terrible managing. [shudders] Boner: Daniel Thomas for not playing, like some sort of asshole.


Waukesha Earthtoys    vs.    Madison No-no Busters
            156.9                                       150.9

Coach Blake barely squeaked out this win against Tyson's reinvigorated crew of Madisonites this week. Propelled by a 30-point rockfest from wunderkind Cam Newton, not even Madison's respectable 23-point bottom two positions of kicker and defense could overcome. Blake probably got lucky with his fucking unbelievable 28-point performance from the Lions D/ST, but he's been dominating ever since Blake-gate, so there's really no arguing here. You know, except for Nic's incredible bitching:

"GOD DAMN IT. EVEN THOUGH EVERY LAYER BROUGHT IT TO THE TABLE, BLAKE'S HORSESHOE FUCKING ASS GOT 28 POINTS FROM HIS FUCKING DEFENSE? GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Boner: Vincent Jackson, for being the only player on the losing team with less than double-digits


A special thank you goes out to Brain Sweeney for making us these beautiful ecards.  As is tradition, here is a photo that Craig sent me.  I think i speak for all of us when I say, you unbelievable bastard.