Week 4 Re-Cap: Good enough to slap your Momma!

by: Steven Seagal

First of all, let me address Brian Sweeney calling me a "Ghost Rider".  He was mistaken.  Nicolas Cage played that part, but I can certainly understand how you thought it was me.  A half-man/half-skeleton demon riding a motorcycle and dolling out justice...that's a Steven Seagal film if ever I have heard one.

This week saw an undefeated fall, an undefeated stay undefeated, and the Spooge Cups continue their quest for the leagues first 0-13 season.  We also had three games decided by less than one score and two total ass-rammings.  It was a colorful array of blood shed, like my movie 'Above the Law'.  It's the story of an Italian Chicago beat cop who learns martial arts and dispenses swift justice because he is...above the law. Let's see who was above the law this week...and fuck Brian Sweeney.


ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
                      135                                                        156.2

What do you even want me to say?  I picked this one first to get it out of the way.  Congrats to Coach Tyson for beating up on a blind, deaf, paraplegic, diabetic, asthmatic, 95 year old, with a spastic colon.  Essentially that is the equivalent of the Baby Batter Bowls.  Be that as it may, it did look like the Spoogies showed up to play.  Vernon Davis was the only Knuckle Nut Kid to score in single digits (2.8 pts), so you can't fault them for trying.  Tyson's team finally got a huge payout from Aaron Rodgers (36.9 pts) and a pleasant surprise in Eddie "Kansas Ciy" Royal (27.5 pts).  The Ball Sack Bashers improve to .500 while the Artificial Insemenaters  slide to 0-4.  On the plus side, Dan's Nude Drunken Bobsled team (the Ski-nude-ma's) is taking the underground scene by storm.  Too bad life doesn't imitate fantasy football.   Player of the Game: Aaron Rodgers (36.9)   Boner of the Game:  Vernon Davis (2.8)


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES
                    140.4                                                  143.3  

The Wet Coopers had this game in the bag, so long as Tom Brady managed 9.5 points.  159 yards, and 2 INT's later...Brady finished with 6.4 pts. (this is not the only game decided by the New England Patriots this week).  Thus, the Ginger Rectal Rompers continue their impressive start.  With this kind of luck, who needs to be good?  The Booty Bucs QB situation was lackluster, their RB's were nothing special, and aside from Antonio Brown...no one on the team did much worth mentioning.  The Wet Coopers had a fairly awful week, minus Eli Manning (40.1 pts) and Jordy Nelson (32.8 pts).  It is kind of ironical that former Butt Pirates stalwart Tom Brady helped the team to yet another victory...from the opposing sideline.  We were lucky enough to get a quote from Tom Brady after the game:

I kept seeing those tantalizing Butt Pirate jerseys and it was like having a 'Nam flashback.  In all seriousness, I thought I was throwing to my team... When you play in those disgusting brown and puke green uniforms for so long, it's tough to quit.  I miss you Chuck...why don't you call me any more?  

Player of the Game: Eli Manning (40.1)     Boner of the Game: Tie - Tom Brady (6.4) and LeSean McCoy (1.7)


-NIGHTCRAWLER-    vs    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS
            136.7                                           193.1

This one will go down as "Classic Davy", as he allowed Jake Locker to start...unfortunately Locker never took the field.  With Russell Wilson on Bye, it looks like Coach Wagner took one on the chin intentionally in the hopes that the rest of his team would pick him up.  Sixty points later, turns out it was the wrong call.  Meanwhile, the Moonshine Men looked strong.  Every roster spot scored in double digits, including five 20 point days and two 30 point days.  The question on everyones mind is, "Can they dominate like this in December?"  So far, the answer has been "NO"...but things change.  Coach Nick Leiting is essentially Peyton Manning, owns the regular season...shits his khaki's in the postseason.  And can I ask, why the fuck would anyone name their team after fish bait that you can buy on the side of any highway in the state of Wisconsin?  And why is it singular?  Your team mascot is one fat worm who only exposes himself when it rains?  Great marketing.  You have doomed your team from the start to be nothing more than fish food for the top feeders.  For your sake, you better hope you finish in last this season...drunk inbred monkeys would do a better job picking a team name.  Anyway...the Rum Runners won because they are better.  End of re-cap.   Player of the Game: Andrew Luck (37.6)    Boner of the Week: Coach Wagner for drafting two QB's who did not play this week.


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                  123.2                                                   120.3

In the Under Armour "Under Performance: Game of the Week", both teams could not have played much worse.  Had either of these teams played the Spooge Cups, they would have lost.  Let me repeat that, THEY WOULD HAVE LOST TO THE SPOOGE CUPS!!!!  Coach Sweeney must have considered ending his life after getting a 25 points swing via the D/ST position (his D scored 17, while Craigory's scored -8) and still not being able to close the deal.  He got an ever bigger gift when Calvin Johnson could only muster 3.2 pts.  And yet, here we are.  Sweens and the Chowder Heads could only sit and watch as the Panties finally dropped...disgusting, used, sopping wet panties raining down on his face from the fat Alaskan fans that cheer for the Thong Tossers.  Coach Craig did get some nice play out of Matt Stafford (30.5) and Martellus Bennett (22.4) and enough garbage from the rest of his crew to squeak out a win.  All season we have been waiting for a victory worthy of some panties hitting the field...and we finally got it.  Santa Fe just got a few more cases of grass chlamydia.  Player of the Game: Matt Stafford (30.5 pts)    Boner of the Game: Nick Foles (3.9 pts).

KENO MUFF BUSTERS    vs    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS
             134.1                                                  138.7

No ghost writing on this one...it's me, Lou the Younger.  This particular game struck a nerve with me and I would like to share it with all of you.  I had a 9 point lead going into Monday night.  All I needed was for the Defense of the Patriots to not implode and for Rob Gronkowski to stay in check.  The Patriots gave up 41 points to Alex Smith...which equals -4 fantasy points.  By my math that left me with a 5 point lead.  Gronkowski had not set foot on the field in the 2nd half of the game when they pulled Tom Brady in the 4th quarter.  I figured, "Well, there is no way Gronk will take reps with the back up this late in a game."  Then, I see Gronk come running onto the field for a red zone play with about 5 minutes left.  And wouldn't you fucking know it, snap, pass, Gronk, TD.  The New England Patriots single-handedly decided two games in this league because of their total and complete bull-shittery.  Losing to what is essentially my Dad's bench makes me the Boner of the Week (seriously, his entire bench this week was nothing but BYE's), and I will have to live with that.  Player of the Game is the Patriots D/ST for gift-wrapping a win for my Dad.  And for the record, I hope that when Bill Belichick gets to hell that his punishment is eating bags of dicks for the rest of eternity.