By Lou Olsen
I am sure very few of you missed me last week, as Sweeney stepped in and did a fine job telling you how terrible you are. Well, unless you are the Ginger-haired commissioner of this league, Sweeney was right...you are terrible.
There was a point around week 7 where I thought to myself "There is no way Charlie gets through the regular season undefeated." With only 3 weeks left in the regular season, who can deny Chuckles band of soulless, freckle faced, demon spawns? Only three of you will get a crack at it; Davy and the -Nightcrawler-, Nick and the Bootleggers, and Blake and the Coopers. If I were to guess, Nick is the only team on Chucka-rooskies level...but Blake or Kurt David Wagner Jones could surprise us with the upset of the year. Last week we were literally 9 rushing yards away from popping the champagne (sparkling white wine, because we are poor) to the fall of the league Goliath. This week however, Chuck won by 35 points. Can he be stopped? Or will he pull a Nick Leiting and have violent diarrhea all over the playoff mattress? Too soon to tell, but fun as hell to speculate.
P.S. - If Chuck gets through the regular season undefeated, he only has to win 2 games to be the leagues first ever Two-Time Champ. Ryan Leaf must be rolling over in his prison cell right now...presumably for butt sex.
PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS vs BOSTON BUTT PIRATES
129 165.2
"Tyson, pay your dues. Now" -The Ginger OverlordFor a team averaging 121 points a week, Craig's team technically rose to the occasion. Charlie's team continues to surpass 160 points each and every week. All you can do is hope that someone on his team contracts some sort of STD that needs immediate attention...on the field. Craig even caught a break when Carson Palmer went down early in the 2nd half with only 7.7 points on the board. However, when you have Alex Smith and Jay Cutler starting for you...there will be more crying than scoring. Someone should give Alex Smith and Jay Cutler a buddy cop show called, "Crybaby and Pee-Pants." I would watch, unless they threw the show away (see what I did there?). The Fudge Finders continue to have the most impressive wide-out corps in the league: Kelvin Benjamin, Emmanuel Sanders and Antonio Brown. The only saving grace for the rest of us nerds is that Carson Palmer is out for the year. That leaves Chuck with Blake Bortles and whatever he can scrape up on the waiver wire. But even with Bortles, that ginger snap snacking bastard will still average 150 points a week...there is no Ryan Leaf...
KENO MUFF BUSTERS vs MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
171.5 147.3
"Ah Tyson, I thought you had me there...what with your QB throwing 6 TDs by halftime and all. Lucky for me he sat most of the 2nd half and my D/ST went bonkers on Monday night. But don't feel bad, you are only one game out of 2nd place in our division and your team is only slightly shitty...so you might be ok. Or not. I don't fucking care what happens to you, I have a two-game lead with three to go! This also proves once again, it is better to bust a muff than to smash a scrote." -Coach Lou Olsen the SmallThis is now the fourth game this season that came down to how one of my players did on Monday night...and this was the SECOND time it came down to my D/ST. As opposed to last time when they went negative, this time the Eagles dropped 31, making this look like an easy win...but it wasn't. Aaron Rodgers dropped 48.6 points...in one half! Sadly for Tyson, almost half of his points came from that Monday Night Game since Marshall dropped an additional 25.2 pts. Other than that, Tyson's team played like a bottom feeder...you know, those fish with the huge mouths who suck shit off of the walls and floor of your aquarium? Yeah his team played like that. Shit suckers. My team wasn't that much better. Marshawn Lynch, Jimmy Graham and my D/ST scored over 100 points by themselves, so I am not free from ridicule. I started a guy who didn't play a snap because I found out he was scratched too late, but Tyson countered that 0 with 1 point from his running back Taliaferro. Every shitty coaching decision I made, Tyson countered with one that was slightly better (or worse, depending on your cynicism levels). For how high-scoring this game ended up being, it was mostly because of individual performances. Even with his seventh loss of the season, Tyson remains in the playoff race. While I am pretty sure that if I win one more game I am a lock for the division crown (again). Another fake banner to hang over the mantle that I do not have...but if I win the Ryan Leaf Trophy this year, I will build it it's own mantle. Threat and promise. (drop mic)
KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS vs -NIGHTCRAWLER-
174.6 128.6
"One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness.....nah...fuck that!!!!!!!!!!" -Coach Lou Olsen the TallThis was certainly the "Beatdown of the Week." It was also self-inflicted as Coach Davy Kurt...Fuck-Tart left open a running back slot and his Kicker slot. The RB I can understand, but why wouldn't you just get a new fucking kicker? Is Gostkowski one of the linchpins of the -Nightcrawler- organization? Kickers and D/ST are replaceable...always! It probably wouldn't have mattered though, since Peyton Manning and Tony Romo were monsters on Sunday. But the coaching call of the week, at least in my mind is...starting M. Rivera at TE!!!! First of all Dad, I have no idea who this man is. Second of all, I didn't want to look it up because it would ruin the mystique. Third of all, I like to think of him as a character you manually created in Madden, who is far superior to all other TE's...you just don't know it yet. But seriously, who the fuck is that guy? Poor David Kurtis Wagner Jones just hit his BYE week wall, with 5 starters resigned to bench doodie. But hey, Jamaal Charles finally did some stuff and some things! So at least you have that...well that and a lifelong addiction to Alaskan malamute farts. Joking aside, this was an important game for both teams. Both are still firmly entrenched in the battle for the 3rd and final playoff spot in the East division. The old man and Blake are neck-and-slightly-fatter-neck. Davy is one game back with three to go. Anything can happen, but this was a big one. This round goes to the boxing sex sticks.
K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS vs WAUKESHA WET COOPERS
174.2 130.5
"It was a great victory and I have nothing bad to say about Coopers, wet or dry, even as dry as a 95-year-old ginger woman's vagina. Gingers are known for having dry vaginas, it's well documented. Ask Chuck or his sister Laura...talk about a dry vagina there, sheesh. 90% of Astroglide sales are to gingers, little known fact. And I take back what I said about Coopers, Riley Cooper is a moronic bigot and Bradley Cooper is a homo. Wait, that sounds bigoted. Strike that from the record and quote me as saying 'Bradley Cooper is a no-talent hack.' Don't want to sound like a hypocrite. What was the question?" -Coach Snickers LiteThe question was "How did you feel about the game today?" That quote says it all...dry baby holes, racism and homos, and hypocrisy up the vag. Speaking of vaginal humidifiers, the Scotch Scalawags had double-digit output from seven of the 10 men on the roster. Since Blake won't read this, his team sucked. He started Eli Manning and Joe Flacco...a winning combination? If you are playing the Spooge Cups, maybe. But even that is a 50/50 shot. Back to Nick's team, since he will read this, and their impressive lineup. It's sad to think that this team has nothing but disappointment on the horizon. Such an incredible roster that is destined for a speedy playoff sodomy. One wonders if the team needs to relocate in order to remove the stench of past postseason failures. Unless Coach Lightbone can figure out a way to defeat the Ginger Menace, all of his regular season victories will be forgotten, again. Swept under a rug made from the pubic hairs of the past Ryan Leaf champs. But Nick will get his shot to make a statement in two weeks, when he tries to shoot a rum spritzer up inside of the Butt Pirates. Eat a hippo dick Blake.
ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS vs SANTA FE CLAM FACES
112.4 122
"Dan, having the Packers and Gophers win this week was plenty. You can't win at fantasy, too. Thanks for going easy on me in light of Dalton's -1.8-point fuckadoo. You're a peach. Or a cupcake. Maybe both." -Coach B.P. McSwizzle StickThe Andy Dalton issue has already been addressed, but fuck does that guy make gingers look bad. This was by far the lowest scoring game of the week, but also ended up being the closest score. Sad day. The Clam Faces were able to take advantage of another week of terrible performances from the Baby Batter Buckets. Had the Chowder Mug Shots played any other team this week, they would be in pretty bad shape. Luckily, even with a reinvigorated Coach Cozinsky, the Spooge Cups just can not get on track. One more loss will doom them to being renamed again in 2015. My money is on something less gross and more emotionally tormenting...Bucky Badger anyone? Mark Sanchez could be the missing link for Sweeney to make it into the playoffs (I can't believe that is now a sentence that exists on earth), as he lead all scorers with 25.2 -- a performance Aaron Rodgers called "cute." Let us not forget that the Clam Faces have also had Josh Gordon stashed on their roster the entire season. Pairing Gordon with Demariyus Thomas could be similar to the duo that helped lead Sweens to his first Ryan Leaf title last season. Next week BP has a huge game against Nic Tyson and his team of freeloaders. A win next week would give him a nice two-game cushion with two games left to play. Having just played Tyson, a word of advice Sweens...SCORE MORE POINTS!!!