Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch, That Is

This season happened so quickly, it was hard to interview everyone.  Thank the sweet baby Tebow that I had time for this interview with Brian Sweeney.  Very rarely do I gush about meeting coaches, but Sweeney has represented all that is soulless and wrong in our sport for the past half-decade.  Getting to sit down with him was an honor, privelage, and reason to get a tetanus shot. 

Brian Patricia Sweeney is the son of a man whose quack was always bigger than his bite.  Sweeney vowed never to be a quacker like his old man.  We have no evidence to support that quacking is a hereditary trait, but this season sure came to quacking hault.  They say that the next morning, ducks all over the world cried out, "Come on Bry...don't do this to me Bry".  This adversity has turned Sweeney into one of the most polarizing figures in fantasy football today. 

BPSweens invited me to his fellatiol (that is spelled the way I meant it to be) mansion.  Which, as it turns out,  is more like a nuclear bunker stocked to the ceiling with whiskey and cigars than it is an actual mansion.  Sweeney had clearly been locked in this dank moldy heaven since his loss to, arch-rival and resident Ginger, Charles Kinzie.  The man looked like a Native American Fidel Castro, with a 15 year old girls acne. 

As I sat on a childs bicycle with the training wheels on it, we began to chew the fat of life.  Most of it off the record of course, but some of it was actually publishable.  Much of what you are about to read came from hours and hours of this recorded interview.  Everything from gay albino pigs, to a rough script for the next Sherlock Holmes movie.  The working title is:  Sherlock Holmes: The Missing Fruit Chews.  I laughed, I cried, I pooped, I ate, we drank...and smoked, passed out, puked on each other, showered in whiskey, then everything got dark....fuck it.  It was like a 3 day bender.  That cellar is like a fucking casino, 15 minutes in cellar time is 6 hours in real life. 

If you don't enjoy this, you are probably racist...against tan people. 


TC:  Your Eastern Conference Championship game, against Chuck, came down to the final 5 minutes of the Giants and Cowboys game of that week.  You had roughly a 16 point lead as the 4th quarter clock struck 5:00.  Only 5 minutes...and you were going to be playing for the title.  How deflating where those 5 minutes for you?

BS:  You know, I was not even watching.  Truth be told, I was enjoying Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.  Since I was pretty sure I would be losing to Chuckles, I figured my time would be better spent watching Macaulay Culkin's finest work.  What really pissed me off was that Charles had a very mediocre day.  I outcoached myself in the end.  Made too many poor decisions.  Letting Malcolm Floyd play instead of Laurent Robinsons was a huge mistake...and Maurice Morris?!?!  What the hell was I thinking on that one?  My bench scored almost 100 points that day.  Therefore, rather than bitching and complaining about it, I am going to formally begin a public slander campaign against the Butt-Pirates and all that they stand for.

TC:  Follow-up question:  Charles Roger Kinzie is no doubt your biggest rival.  Dating all the way back to last season when you had some legendary battles on the invisible gridiron.  How devastating is it to have been swept by that Ginger this season?

BS:  Pretty rough.  I had not even thought about it until you brought it up...dick.  It is extra bad because he is also the Commissioner.  I liken him to the great and powerful Oz, the only problem is that I have never been able to pull back the curtain revealing nothing more than a man.  He had some lucky breaks this year and was certainly more in-tune to football happenings than anyone else.  None of this matters, for you see, I will be killing his first born child regardless.  So, I've got that going for me.

TC:  There have been a lot of negative story lines surrounding the league this year.  Which particular incident would you say gave the league, as a whole, the biggest black eye?

BS:  Blake-gate.  No question.  That was pretty bad.  I think Charlie was a little too strong handed initially, but that does not explain why Blake couldn't pay his fucking dues like the rest of us.  Then he acted like the entire league was conspiring against him.  Every single member of the league mailed a check to Charlie, including Dan's wife.  So, if my math is correct, that makes Blake worse than Dan's wife.  Anyway, it's over now and hopefully we can all pay on time next year. 

TC:  Speaking of Dan, he made 4 name changes this season (Rainbows, Malaysian Manhandlers, Jizz Bolts, Not Means).  Which one did you like the best?

BS:  Well, I liked the Manhandlers because of how insanely racist it was.  But the Jizz Bolts will always be number one in my heart.  The other two names were just awful.  The Rainbows was just un-original and super gay.  Although, not quite as gay as the Not Means.  That name is just stupid.  There is a strong possibility that Dan has secretly lost his mind. 

TC:  Let's go back to Blake for a second.  In your opinion, is Blake Derr a good coach?

BS:  Yes, he is a good waiver guy

TC:  Is he a good person?

BS:  No

TC:  Good lover?

BS:  You would have to ask Mrs. Kinzie

TC:  Good with farm animals?

BS:  I have never seen him with farm animals before, but I know that he has never been in prison.  Which means he does not have an impulse to fuck them...let's just say yes.

TC:  Nic Tyson took his team from worst to first this year.  As a veteran coach in this league, have you ever seen anything quite like this?

BS:  Truth be told, I do not remember why his team was so bad last year.  I always thought Tyson would do well.  He has a keen football mind. 

TC:  Do you think that the Tree Humpers and Hershey Squirts could bounce back in a similar fashion next
season?

BS:  Both Olsen's had really bad injury breaks.  Lou Sr.'s started immediately, while the Younger Lou's team lost the injury battle down the stretch of the regular season.  I think they could both bounce back next year.  In fact, I think they are destined to be better in 2012.

TC:  Nick Leiting came into the league this year and blew everyone out of the water.  Then injuries slowly destroyed his title aspirations.  Do you believe karma was involved, or do the fantasy gods just hate Tim Tebow?  (Please note, Leiting's team was in perfect health until Tebow was added to the roster)

BS:  It was a very interesting series of coincidences, but I do not see how Tebow is at fault in the teams sudden downfall.  In my opinion it is fitting that he missed out on the championship.  I mean, this guy was horseshoe in his urethra lucky.  Every guy he picked up turned into a 30 point a week monster.  I will not be sheding a tear for him though, his future is so bright.  In fantasy football, luck will only take you so far.  That was the downfall of the Bootleggers.

TC:  As a writer for this fine site, who is your favorite lightning rod?  And who is your least favorite person to pick on?

BS:  I always find myself gearing towards Lou Sr., but then I feel bad.  Tyson is a guy I always like to try and get all fired up.  My personal favorite is Davy because he personifies the "lovable loser".  As for the person I least like to pick on...this year it was probably Lou Sr. again.  His team was just tragic, so I did not want to be the guy shoving salty lemon semen into his open wounds. 

TC:  If you could let one other coach in this league run the Clam Faces for a week, who would it be?

BS:  As much as it pains my groin to say this, Charlie.  He pays the most attention to the league and waiver wire transactions.  That does not change the fact that he is a rat-faced bastard and a cock-sucking coward.  On the flip side, those things make him a good coach.




This is an actual Clam Face...horrifying!!


TC:  Which coach would you not let run your team?

BS:  This is an easy one, Craig.  He has fucked up repeatedly, non-stop, all season long.  The guy is way to busy diving for Eskimo poon and watching old clips of Mike Ditka to care about his own team.

TC:  How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

BS:  I don't know...too many?

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

BS:  Follow Your Dick!

TC:  Tupac?

BS:  No, Tupac lives in Vegas...I've seen him.

 

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

BS:  Probably dogs.  I feel like they would have pretty useful information.  You could have them do favors for you and you could pay them in meat.  There is a lot of upside to talking with dogs. TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
BS:  Cosby Sweater.  I envision it being pubes covering a turd, which is somehow included in the sexual experience.

 

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

BS:  Can both knock you the fuck out

TC:  How are M&M's made?

 

BS:  They are crapped out by North Pole dwelling rabbits.  It's poo with a candy shell.

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?

BS:  I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers.  Pretty unoriginal, but he seems to always be having fun.  I am pretty sure he is the baddest mother fucker on the planet. 

 

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?

BS:  Nazi's.  I just wathced WWII in HD...fuck those guys.

 

 

 

TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

BS:  Yes, he died on the crapper 

West Division Obituaries: Part Deux

Afirmative Blacktion, we hardly knew ye. After a questionable draft featuring a defense picked in the seventh round (Pittsburgh), the early-season dropping of monster tight end Rob Gronkowski and several roster-setting miscues, fate has finally caught up with Coach Moylan.

That's right, folks: Fantasy football season is over for the 5-8 Blacktions. Always unpredictable, Coach Moylan's team defeated the season-long championship-favorite Bootleggers of Kenowhere, then spiraled into a six-game losing streak. After snapping that streak with a win against the beleaguered Tree Humpers, he again showed his big black balls to Coach Leiting and his juggernaut of a team.

We never knew what to expect from Coach Moylan. Example: In week five, he started Ray Rice and Fred Davis, both of whom were on bye weeks. Perhaps he had so much confidence in Rice that he suspected the super-stud Raven would put up 10 or so points through sheer will alone. Maybe he was in Eastern Europe fingerbanging babushkas. We can only speculate, and that is the nature of Moylan -- mysterious, unpredictable and decidedly erratic/erotic.

Much like poor Johnny Knox (twelfth round draft pick) and his broken back, Coach Moylan's Affirmative Blacktion must wait until next year to return to the field. We may question his draft choices, his lineups and waiver moves, but in the end, he beat the number one seed not once, but twice. Perhaps there is some wisdom in this wild maverick renegade after all.

We will be interested to see how his season develops next year, when he is resurrected from the cold Alaskan earth he will be interred in later this month. Godspeed, Moylan. see you next year old friend.

R.I.P. Craig Moylan

The K-Town Bootleggers came into the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football Brotherhood with their guns blazing. After a 10-3 season, striking fear into the hearts of most, injuries befell the team, sending it to a third place final standing that hardly lived up to expectations for the good Coach.

Not bad for a rookie.

That's not what Coach Leiting would say, however. With crippling injuries coming late in the season to Matt Forte, Fred Jackson and Jay Cutler, he might say something with a little more colorful language attached. This would of course be exacerbated by any mention of the early-season injury to his second-round pick, Texan wide receiver Andre Johnson. Before his injury, the star WR averaged about 18 points per game. Ouch.

Leiting made the best of it, however, picking himself up to become the regular season Goliath this year. We can only imagine what could have been, should his team remained healthy. The waiver prowess and instinct of this newcomer have put him on the radar for all the other coaches in the league. Next year will be an interesting one, and all the 2011 point leader will need to take 2012 is a little better luck on the injury front. Like it or not, Coach Nick, you're the league antagonist now. Forgive us if we revel in your defeat -- it's nothing personal.

You'd better put on your black cowboy hat. Because this is an obituary, you see, and you're dead. Give Kim Jong-il my regards and we'll see you next year.

R.I.P. Nick Leiting

Lou's Championship Preview

This picture will make more sense later...or not.

Sorry I have been absent for a little while.  As many of you know, the Brewers have been doing...things.  Some good, some bad, but either way I have spent the last week defending a Jewish baseball player who tested positive for having too much testosterone.  Thank the almighty Tebow we do not persecute testosterone in this league.  I digress...

The season is just about over.  We have had some good games, but we have also had some total ass plungings.  None of that matters now.  Not Dan's insistence on all of us being nice to him, not Blake getting punched in the face by a member of the "Nice" Cozine family, not even Davy catching each and every one of us in a banana hammock.  The only thing that matters now is the match-up between a man with fiery ginger pubes and Tyson...who may have no pubes (I will have to have our research team look into that, but generally a man known for scrotum smashing would probably want his nut pouch smoother than Tiger Woods in a strip club).  If you had your money on this championship pairing, you are a liar, none of us saw this coming. 


The Philadelphia Butt-Pirates

*The Butt-Pirates defeated the Washington D.C. Clam Faces by 1.8 points in the Eastern Division Championship.  Coach Sweeney was royally pissed off. 

A new city, a new name, and an entire team tripping balls on whiskey sours and Aderol.  The Booty Buccaneers had three different streaks this season; a 3-game winning streak to start the season, followed by a 4-game losing streak, and have now rattled off 7 straight wins.  To call this team streaky, would be doing an injustice to streakers all over the world.  The last time Chuckles McGingy lost a game?  Week 7 against...the Madison Scrotum Smashers. 

The face of  a soulless champion

The Jolly Rectum Rogers key to the game is the play of Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford.  Both of his QB's are projected to score north of 25 points this weekend.  Sadly for Charlie's nutsack, the rest of his team is not expected to be even close to that 25 point mark.  As early as draft day, Chuck knew that his team would live and die by the play of his QB's.  This weekends Championship will be no different.  If Brady and Stafford falter, the reign of Ginger supremacy will come crashing down. 

If Chuckles wants any hope of receiving the Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy in the mail next week, he needs to hope that Cam Newton does not go on a random crazy streak.  The truth is, you can not stop Cam Newton, you can only hope to seduce him with candy and funny stories.  Kevin Smith is another wild card that could come back to bite Chulo in the freckled butt cheeks.  If Smith does return to action this week, he could be a huge piece of Ginger Snap Champ Pie. 

ESPN Projected Points:  165
Lou's Projected Points:  147


Madison Scrotum Smashers

* The Scrotum Smashers defeated the heavily favored K-Town Bootleggers by 36.5 points.  Coach Leiting could not believe how smooth Nic's nut sack was...or why he spelled his name without a K. 

What is the gayest possible analogy I can use for this team?  Hmm?  Nic Tyson's Nut Sack Gnashers are the sexiest Tranny to ever lose a glass slipper (Cinderella...get it?).  Last season Coach Tyson was the laughing stock of the league (outside of his own home).  Look at him now.  Living in an underwater hideaway off of a banana plantation.  His teams success this year has enabled him to afford laser hair removal for his scrotum.  When asked why, "in the event mine is smashed, I want it to look like Patrick Stewart".  You don't mess with success.

Doritos fully endorses Nic Tyson's title run

Although Tyson only compiled a 7-6 record in the regular season, his team was built for postseason play.  The Sack Slashers roster is comprised of players who have something to play for this week.  One glaring flaw in his quest for the Ryan Leaf Action Figure, he has two guys matching up against the Ravens D and two others going up against the 49ers D.  This could be a recipe for shorned sack stew.  On the other hand, he has beaten all of the odds by even making it this far, so maybe his sack will laugh last.  

If Tyson wants any chance of winning this game he needs to pray to Tim Tebow, that Tom Brady and Matt Stafford go out and lay eggs.  Greg Jennings will not be playing this weekend, which leaves Tyson with only one option...a Black Frenchman, Pierre Garcon.  The last thing you want on the field of battle, especially when it is a fight to the death, is a french person.  Sadly, Nic has no other option.  Much like any French War, this game could be over before it even begins.  But, we must keep in mind that the Silky Scrots took down arguably the best team in the league all season long.  Nothing is out of the realm of possibility.


ESPN Projected Points:  132
Lou's Projected Points:  141

In the end, I think that the Commissioner will finally wear the crown.  A big, gay, Ryan Leaf encrusted crown.  It has been a long time coming and this seems to be his moment.  Normally I would not encourage a ginger to succeed, but my pick for this game is the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates. 

I applaud Nic for his amazing season, but in the end I think Charlie's big balls (Brady and Stafford) will be too much Scrotum to smash.  No matter how it shakes down, both men will make a little money and have bragging rights over all of our sorry asses going into next season. 

This week, Sweeney and I will have more obituaries for the rest of you sad sacks who blew your chance to be playing in a meaningful game this weekend.  Plus there is going to be an interview with Sweeney to close out the season interview series with Tim Couch, who will be fired because he is too f-ing nice. 

As always, it has been a pleasure doing battle with all of you.  My apologies for the blog not living up to my expectations.  I had hoped to blow all of your minds, but the Brewers Blog started paying me...so I hope you guys understand.  Just know that I still like you more.   
 

Western Division Obituaries

Louis Olsen IV, 28, of Seattle died November 28, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the only son of Louis III. He was educated on the frozen tundra of Minnesota, attending Winona University.

In 2010 he was married to Wally, a small dog if indeterminate breed, who he hoped to bring to Las Vegas to earn a living on the gambling circuit. He got sidetracked en route, joining the West Wilson Street Revival Fantasy Football League, where he ultimately tested fate one too many times. Like his idol, Brent Farve before him, Coach Olsen IV led his team to a championship, then got addicted to Vicodin and sexted Jenn Sterger a picture of his wrinkled, has-been donger. While Coach Olsen’s season will soon be but a memory, that image will forever live on in her Motorola Razr, and on the internets.

Having lost three games by less than three points, one wonders what could have been this season for Lou's beloved Tree Humpers. But considering that he started Joe Flacco and John Skelton in a late-season game, the universe seems to have once again balanced itself.

He administered the West Wilson Street Weekly web log, and maintains relations with luminaries such as John Travolta, Tim Couch and his esteemed colleagues and compatriots of the WWS Revival League.He assembled a true team of rivals.

Funeral services are private and will be held on the island in the form of a Viking funeral. Memorial gifts in Coach Olsen’s memory can be made to PFLAG, 1828 L Street NW, Suite 660, Washington, D.C., 20036.

His charred remains, save for his perfect blond locks, which he has willed to John Travolta, will be on display at the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

His will simply says “Curb Alert,” so his possessions will be placed curbside on Sunday, December 4, advertised with a craigslist.org free ad.

He will be missed.

R.I.P. Louis Olsen, IV

Daniel Winston Cozine, 27, of Rochester, Minn., died November 20, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the son of Cara and Mike Cozine. He was “educated” at the University of Minnesota.

Dan died clutching his computer mouse, checking the results of a matchup against beloved frenemy Nicolas Tyson. This was the culmination of a long battle with mediocrity that was difficult for everyone involved. The first sign Dan was in decline came at the absolute first moment possible.

Those closest to him knew when he prioritized a trip to an all-male nude beach over participation in the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football draft, that Coach Cozine’s mental foundation was beginning to crack. His colleagues began planning this obituary after he appeared in the 12^th round of the draft to choose kicker Nate Kaeding, who would later injure himself warming up for his first kick of the year.

Clearly, Dan’s mental and physical capacities diminished significantly, very early on. It got so bad that with Cozine unable to peel the back off a self-adhesive stamp, his lovely wife, Lizzie, was forced to mail in his dues in his stead.

After that ship of paralyzing hopelessness sailed, Coach Dan continued his erratic decline, changing his team’s name a number of times. Providing a flicker of hope, he once harkened back to the glory of the 2010 Rochester Jizz Bolts. But he relapsed, and his legacy will forever be known under the uninspiring moniker “Not Means.” Whatever disease so drastically and unnaturally affected his decision-making at the last, doctors have been unable to determine.

What is known is that Dan never really had a fair shake, having had a robot pick his team this year, at least in part. He is survived by his diarrhea-eating vizsla, Cosmo. 

R.I.P. Dan Cozine

Eastern Division Obituaries

Sweetest Casket ever?

Sweeney and I decided that we would do something different this week, so we will not be doing a weekly re-cap.  John Travolta was so angry, Sweeney had to agree to go on a 3 week love cruise in the Bahamas with said actor/staff writer.  We all know Brian...he was more than happy to go. 

As is with all seasons, several teams were "officially" eliminated from the quest for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.  Brian and I thought it only fair, that we give each team a proper send-off.  We agreed to write the obituaries for the opposite division of our own.  Therefore, today you will be saying goodbye to your friends from the Eastern Division.

As is the case with all death's, we must celebrate the life...in death.  That sounds really stupid when I write it out, but people say that crap all of the time.  Anyway, let's say bon voyage to our comrades. 


Kenosha Hershey Squirts

This is a Fantasy Football life that ended before it even began. On paper, the Squirts looked like the team to beat, but on the field, they quickly turned into a team everyone could beat. Now, they face a fate worse than death...the possibility of letting someone else name their team next season. 

On draft day, no team looked better. Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman would be taking the snaps, Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis would be doing the running, Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker would be a dynamic duo, and Jermichael Finley would start at Tight End and be backed up by Jimmy Graham. If it would have been 2010, we would all be kissing Olsen Sr.'s Hershey Squirt-hole. Too bad it was 2011.   

Peyton Manning never even touched the field, which basically eliminated Reggie Wayne as a threat. Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis underperformed to a degree that this league has never seen. Chris Johnson was a risky draft pick, but after his past few seasons no one thought he would perform like a deflated sex doll. Hillis' insistence on shitting the bed lead to his eventual outright release from the team.  

Big Lou Olsen can not be blamed for his teams failure...too much. Anyone who paid any attention, saw how feverishly he watched that waiver wire looking for any sort of spark to get his team out of the crapper. Cearly that time would have been better served masturbating. 

The Tractor Trailer knew that his season was over about 5 weeks in and just started cutting guys he
deemed "unworthy" to wear choco-sharts on their helmet. Which eventually lead to a team that was captained by Christian Ponder and Andy Dalton. 

The Squirts were a team we all rooted for (in secrecy), but knew that they would blow it in the end. Like Nate Kaeding, or the New York Jets.  This past weekends game was a microcosm of their season. The Choca-Poos held a 33.9 point lead going into Monday night, Ginger nuts only had WR Victor Cruz left playing...Cruz scored 36.1 points. Thus the season in a flacid nutshell, for Big Lou Olsen.

In the end it is all about having fun. Truth be told, no one had more fun each week than the old man. Let's not kid ourselves, watching that guy work the waiver wire was entertainment for all of us. If nothing else, we should at least applaud his effort to get better. There were some teams who sat around being nice to everybody, rather than making their team any better.

The Kenosha Hershey Squirts were certainly not the worst team we have ever seen, but they were never good either. If I were the old man, I would crack open a beer and phone it in for the "Loser's Playoffs". The only way to make a fantasy football death worse? Be crowned "King of the Losers".  This is a fate that the Tractor Trailer will refuse to accept. But, you can bet your sweet ass he will be
back next year, with months of studying under his belt.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Hershey Squirts...

May they rest in pieces...Reese's Pieces.


Madison Banana Hammocks

There was no better story this season, than that of the two teams from Madison. Davy Jones-Wagner spent all of last off-season trying to figure out how to make his team better. He started with a name change, going from the Firebirds to the Banana Hammocks. 

Going into the draft, improving seemed like a pretty easy task considering Wally granted him the #2 overall pick. The truth is Adrian Peterson can only do so much.  A tough lesson to learn for DWJ and the Minnesota Vikings...who also deserve an obituary. 

Unlike the Vikings, death did not come without a fight from the Naners. If they played in the West division, they would be neck in neck with their cross-town rivals for the final playoff spot. But, the fantasy gods peeled their banana before it was ripe. Green banana's are frowned upon in most walks of life, especially in the greater Madison area. 

Should they win this weekend, they will end the season with a winning record. There is never shame in that...unless of course it is fantasy football.

For the second straight year, Coach Davy will be prepping his team for the "Loser Bowl". This year will be a little different, but the endgame is still the same. Either you play hard and try to win, or throw the Lameoffs and spark up the hookah. Fortunately for Davy and company, they will be stoned to be-Tebow and will probably have forgotten all about this season by the 18th of December.  

This was a team whose life we should celebrate. To go from worst to second worst is nothing short of...better. We could sit here and complain about how pathetic Mark Sanchez was, or how disappointing Miles Austin was, but we should be embracing guys like Beanie Wells and Nick Novak (the OTHER Chargers kicker). It is really surprising that a team with Alex Smith on it did not make it into the playoffs though.

A win this weekend would put the Cock Cradles at 7-6 for the season and end the regular season on a 3 game win streak. What a way to dive feet first into your grave. Luckily for Mr. Wagner-Jones, he was good enough to retain the right to pick his own team name for the 2012 season.

It is with a very heavy heart, we here at WWSW lay this team to rest. Coach DJW is a close friend of our site and does some great photo work (see his risque works above) behind the scenes, but in the end...all of the cropping and 180 degree rotations in the world could not get his team into the chase for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Banana Hammocks...

May heaven be full of ripe, mature dongs...err bananas.

Week 11: Season Tryptophan

by John Travolta

Listen up, jerks: It's that sluggish part of the season in which some can be tempted to lose all hope. Curling into the fetal position is not the answer, despite what my old pal David Hasselhoff will tell you. Stay vigilant, you rat bastards, and you will be rewarded with the sorrow of your friends and compatriots. That prize is always a sweet one. Enjoy the leftovers of last week:


Madison Bananagrams vs. Kenosha Hershey Highways
               110.9                                109.2

This week's closest matchup was decided by a mere 1.7 points. A generally respectable output from both teams was peppered with standout performances, both good and bad. Coach Jones' Tony Romo exploded for 29 points, while Beanie Wells (1.3) forgot to show up. On the Squirts, Jordy Nelson, of all people, put up a holy-crapworthy 30, and Willis McGahee took the matchup's boner award with -0.2. Gross.

I made the right QB decision, but had I put in Ogbonnaya at RB we'd have a W on the board in place of that L. We had a good chance at victory with A.J. Green sitting out for Coach Davy, but it just wasn't meant to be, it appears. I WAS going to exact my revenge on Lil' Lou this week at Thanksgiving for his spineless coaching decisions when we played, but it appears he has a "business trip." With each passing week, your punishment worsens...

Seattle Sapling Strokers vs. Waukesha Punchees
                 77.5                                  100.1

This was my favorite match of the week. Between Coach Olsen starting Arizona scrub QB John Skelton (-2) against the 'roid-raging 49ers this week and the ever-erratic Derr neglecting to sub in for his kicker or his second QB on a bye week, this one was a dusey. Oh, and the Claymakers' QB Schaub was not only on a bye, but is LIKELY OUT FOR THE SEASON WITH AN INJURY. That's a double offense there, Blake. You started a guy on bye week, who even if his team were playing would have watched from the sidelines. Holy crap.

But in true antagonistic fashion, Coach Derr managed to pull off a 23-point victory over a struggling Humper team. I can't fucking believe that. With Flacco (20.6) and Pettigrew (13.7) the ONLY players on the Seattle team hitting double-digits, young Olsen never really put up a fight. I ran into the coach on public transportation:

I can't believe my team's horrible, godawful play this week. We have no one to blame but ourselves, really. I do have a plan, though. Right now, Kelly Cozine is flying out to meet the team at a mandatory "motivational face-punching jamboree," I'm calling it. We're just going to line everybody up and let Kelly "Fists of Fury" Cozine loose on them. That should give them some inspiration. If not, we're just going to start killing the lowest point-producer of every game -- kind of like Survivor!

 Boner of the week: Blake Derr

Affirmative Blacktion vs. K-Town Bootleggers
              118.7                             107.3

All hail the new king! I didn't get cutesy with the team names because I wanted to make sure everyone got the results straight: Coach Craig took out league hedgemond Nick Leiting this week! The Blacktion got big help from Ray Rice (31.7) and Roddy White (21.7) to make up for goose eggs from LT and Louis Murphy. My theory on the failure of the Bootleggers this week boils down to Coach Leiting's inexplicable hatred of Jay Cutler. After numerous attempts to trade the Bear away, Leiting benched the QB in favor of Tim Tebow. Seriously. It's not actually that bad of a coaching gaffe, but it does violate some people's Tebow-principles. In the name of spite, Cutler flamed out with 28.4 points and a season-ending injury. Glad I didn't make that trade!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this team right now. It appears that the wheels are falling off, but I assure you that is not the case. Our QB situation is perfectly under control, and I am not worried about the playoffs whatsoever. End of story. [Bursts into tears, runs to bedroom, slams door]

Boner of the week: Ryan Fitzpatrick (6)


Washington Clam Jams vs. Philly Bung Buddies
                125                                  146.7

Matt Stafford had 39.6 points for Charlie's stupid team of idiots. The. Fucking. End.

Kinzie's new jersey

Boner of the week: Stevie Johnson (3.6)

Rochester Name-DDs vs. Madison Scrotes McGotes
             112.7                                      131.8

Coach Cozine got what was coming to him this week after changing his team name for the 43rd time this season. If nobody knows you, they can't respect you, and God knows Tyson doesn't respect shit. With a nifty sub of Vince Young in at QB for the Madison team, big days from Vincent Jackson (29.5) and Kellen Winslow (22.2) helped round out some shitty performances from several of the usual producers.

Meanwhile, Coach Dan gets the weekly boner for neglecting to sub in for a kicker on bye week. But he probably likes that. Nick and I caught up over a hot cup of jizz:

Well, beating Dan was just a stepping stone on the way to my biggest challenge of the year: Coach Sweeney's Clam Faces in week 12. I don't know how Tim Couch misquoted me so badly when he asked about which manager I'd least trust to take over my team. I didn't say Sweeney would be bad at it, I said he would be RAD at it. Apologies to the good coach, and a collegial good luck to you this week, fine sir.

What a class act. Catch you on the flip side, bitches.

Week 10 Re-Cap: Is Anyone Still Alive?

I am considering living forever, does that scare you?

I have never seen a week claim so many football lives.  Not only on the field of play, but on our fantasy field.  That sounds much more fun than I had intended it too...a fantasy field.  Whips and chains and bondage...THAT is a fantasy field.  Did I have a point to this?

Yes.  I.   Did.  In true Tractor Trailer fashion, last years fantasy darling, Peyton Hillis, has been released from the Kenosha Hershey Squirts.  It was a move that surprises almost no one.  Hillis has virtually no value at this point, after missing his 6th straight game this past Sunday.  The Browns rendered him useless when he has been healthy, which was only 4 times.  This was a thorn in the old man's side for too long.  Big Lou did what he does best, went to work on the waiver wire and punched Hillis in the face with his pink slip. 

Normally, Hillis would draw a lot of attention on the free agent market.  But, I find it hard to believe that too many of you will be in the market for an over-weight, trailer trash looking, Madden cursed guy who plays for the Browns.  Speaking of things taking a media-friendly turn for the worst, take a look at Mr. Seniors roster the day after the draft (and really think about last season heading into this one):

QB) Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman
RB) Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis
WR) Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker
TE) JerMichael Finley and Jimmy Graham
D/ST) Bears

That is not a half bad team on paper.  The fantasy gods can be a cruel mistress.  Welcome to fantasy football old man.  It will rip your heart out, stuff it down your throat, feed you laxatives, wait for you to poop it out, shovel it up, take it inside, toss it in his 1800's wood burning stove.  Then it will take Matlock one hour to solve the crime.  So much promise, so much pain...just like my movie "From Paris with Love".  It's the one where I am bald and have a goatee.  Nevermind.

There were so many injuries this week, including the starting QB's for two teams vying for playoff spots.  Let's quit farting around and get to the good parts...


K-Town Drunk Drivers    vs    Madison Scrotal Road Kill
            143                                                      118

I have never heard of Tim Tebow, or his friend Jesus.  Be that as it may, I can not believe that it is possible to score 19.1 points whilst only completing 2 passes.  Let alone that he could be the leading scorer on the most ferocious offense in the league.  And why are we seeing jerseys that say Jesus on them, with his number?  Is that his nickname?  Is Jesus important for some reason?  Well, Coach Leiting probably can't thank sweet Xenu enough for another golden waiver wire pick-up. 

Coach Tyson is having a rough go of it right now.  I have no doubt that Nic got in there and told them how important this game was.  Too bad Vincent Jackson was too busy being a Boner to get the message, his 3.2 points was just enough to outscore Kicker Billy Cundiff who had 3 points in the loss.  However, Michael Bush got the message loud and clear by leading all Scrots with 33.2 points. 

After the game, we talked to Coach Tyson about next week:

I am looking forward to facing Cozine.  Normally I would call them by their team name, but after the second change I lost track of what they were called.  So, for the sake of the rest of this statement, we will call them "The Goldy Gonads".  If we can not beat a team that is primarily made up of people a Malaysian boy found attractive, then we can kiss our playoff hopes goodbye.  Losing games to a team like the Bootsnifters, is fine if you can beat the teams you should beat.  The Goldy Gonads are a team that we should blow out of the water.  For Fuck's sake, this week their leading scorer was the defense.  I am coming for you Goldy...you will not deprive the good people of Madison the playoff birth they justly deserve.  I am going to split your sack from shaft to a-hole.  Sleep tight.

Madison Strawberry Cots    vs    D.C. Oyster Skulls
              122.6                                       126.6

First thing is first, I believe we have an all-time Boner of the Week record, the Buffalo Bills provided -6 points to Coach Davy Jones-Wagner.  You can see how this might be very distressing to DJW, for you see he lost the game by 4 points.  All of the Tony Romo magic in the world could not undo the damage caused by the play of the defense.  Rob Gronkowski went completely goat shit and scored 31.3 points to lead Sweens McDuck crew of misfit toys. 

The big story in this game was the impressive play of Carson Palmer.  For the second straight week, Palmer has played like a top tier quarterback for Shellfish Crusaders.  If this duo of Drew Brees and Carson Palmer can stay hot, Sweens and company could be the front-runners in the East Division.

After the game Davy was not very happy:

Lalala.  Happy fucking fun time out there.  We like to play the defense, it is fun.  Der dee derr derr derr

 

Rochester Rainbows   vs.    Chicago Dingleberries
             116.3                                   145.5

I thought it would be nice to go retro on this one.  Coach Cozine kept it retro by letting his defense do the talking.  The Artist's formerly known as the Rainbows, were the anti-Firebirds (see what I am doing here) by letting their defense be the leading scorer.  That is probably why the Pride Parades fell to the always terrifying Philadelphia Chicago crew, who were lead this week by Larry Fitzgerald and his 33.6 points.  That is a name we have not heard very much of this season.  Nice to see that he can catch passes when his quarterback is not awful.  Speaking of not awful, Chuckles can always count on Tom Brady to never score less than 25 points...which was the case again this week. 

You know what did not help either team?  The running backs, Double-Boners are awarded to BenJarvus Green-Ellis (0.8 pts) and Frank Gore (1.8 pts).  Neither coach could have been thrilled with their backs after the game. 

After the game Kinzie wanted to laugh at someone:

Hey Dan!  I gotcha bitch.  It's too bad we only get to play once this year.  Whooping your ass twice a year would be so much sweeter.  Hey Dan!  The Badgers smoked your precious Goldy Gophers this past weekend too.  That's what I LIKE TO CALL...THE DOUBLE-WHAMMY!!!  Ride that giggle stick baby!  Whoo!!!  And I can't wait to stick  it to Sweeney this weekend.  The time of the Ginger is upon us.  REPENT.  Or be vanquished by the all mighty ginger!!!!

 

Kenosha Dookie Squeaks    vs    Waukesha Poo Punchers
               132.7                                        137.8

Aaron Rodgers is the equivalent of fantasy football Satan.  You love him if he is on your side, but if he's not he might be the baddest mother on this earth.  Rodgers lead all scorers this week with 36.1 points and Blake needed every last one.  The bigger news for Blake and the Fist Tossers, losing #2 QB Matt Schaub for the rest of the season.  Schaub is one of several players to have lost the rest of their season over the weekend.  It is a big blow to a team that is still right in the thick of the playoff race in the East division.

The Poo Poo Platters finally got some points out of Chris Johnson, who was also in danger of hitting the waiver wire this week.  Luckily he was able to churn out his season high, 27.4 points and save his roster spot.  And yet, the Dung Sharts still managed to find a major Boner.  Willis McGehee, who was just acquired via trade a few days earlier, scored a meager 1.7 points before leaving the game with an injury.  What a boner that turned out to be. 

After the game, Blake was not sure what he was going to do:

I have no idea what we are going to do without Matt (Schaub).  Wait, what am I talking about?  I have Aaron Rodgers.  As long as he is on our roster, we will always have a chance.  I am coming for you Ginger Nuts and Sweeney.  Three weeks left in the regular season means three more opportunities for you two nerd to blow it.  Don't kid yourselves, the Claymakers will be in the Championship Game again this year.  By the arm of Aaron Rodgers, it shall come to pass.

Seattle Bush Blowers    vs    Craigs Gaggle of Blackness
          134.6                                         137.4

With a lot of close games this weekend, this was certainly the closest.  Unfortunately, the reigning champs also fell victim to a defense scoring negative points.  There is no doubt that Coach Olsen earned the Double Boner award; Jets D scored -2 points and Matt Cassel is out for the season and lost to Tim Tebow...who once again...completed TWO passes.  Cassel's season ending injury puts the Leaf Lovers in a very tough position since they had no back-up on the roster.  Another team fighting for playoff glory, losses a key player over the weekend.  This season could not possibly get more fascinating.

Which leads us to Coach Moylan and his band of Euro-Syphs.  No one on the team did anything to blow anyone else away.  Matt Ryan was his leading scorer with a 24.9 point Sunday.  While the playoffs may seem like a stretch, the LadySmith Black Mumbazo's are still very much alive in the playoff race in the West with a 3-7 record.  Should Craig's team catch fire and win the final three games, anything can happen in this league.

After the game, Coach Craig was pleased:

Man, it feels good to get a win.  It's amazing what can happen when you set a valid lineup, prepare for bye weeks, and actually put some effort into your fantasy team.  If only I had done that while I was off gallivanting for poon in the Swiss Alps, maybe my team would not be in the hunt for the 1st overall pick next year.  Well, live and learn I guess.  In hindsight, I probably would still choose the cooter over this league, but that is in the past now.  That team we played today is not bad, but they are not that good either, so maybe we are turning this ship around.  I don't know.  If you will excuse me, it is my turn to bake the post game crack...any of you have some cinnamon or baking soda?

Well, the playoffs are quickly approaching.  Be on the look out for some very insightful work from this site leading up to final days of the regular season.  Now, in order to curb your lust for cleavage, here is a chick with a lot of it.

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch That Is

Someday, when I look back on my career, this weeks interview will be one of my proudest moments.  This week I was....once again invited to Hawaii, for the second straight week, but this time with a little twist.  It turns out that Davy Wagner and Nic Tyson are roommates of sorts. 

As I made my way past the front gates covered in men's cloth nut cradles, I saw the oh too familiar sight of random Hawaiians roaming the front yard.  This time, the driver took me on a path I had not been on last week.  The path lead to former WWSW Public Enemy #1, Nic Tyson.

I found Coach Tyson standing next to what appeared to be a giant Ny-Quil gel tab.  I later learned it was a small submarine, which would take me to Nic's underwater hideaway.  Initially, I felt like Tyson could be some kind of James Bond villain.  It turns out he made some smart Rugby related investments, and always dreamed of living below the sea. 

With his earnings he built an elegant home beneath the Hawaiian sea.  It was a home fit for a king.  Hard to imagine a football coach living in such amazing surroundings, with virtually no contact with the outside world.  Tyson was kind enough to lead me to the lounge area, which was decorated like a the set of a 1970's sitcom. 

This week I am sad to announce that there was no tea at this weeks interview.  Instead, Nic gave me an all natural pineapple liqueur mixed with pineapple juice.  Truly, all the tastes of Hawaii in one drink.

TC:  Nic, thank you so much for having me out here this week.  I can not believe that this was under my nose the entire time I was here last week.

NT:  This is where I like to come when I need to think and get away from Davy's incessant nagging. 

TC:  Well, let's start by talking about this season, which to date has been fairly successful.  How have things been different for you this year?

NT:   I actually was close to throwing in the towel early this year; I had Jamaal Charles in all 3 of my leagues.  So when he went down...well, let's just say I drank a lot of Pineapple coolers.  This year I think I've been doing a better job of actively searching out trades and looking at waiver pickups.  Those are two things I tried to stay away from last year and in the end I think it doomed me to the league cellar.  Plus, my girlfriend lives in California, so I have cut way back on the distractions.  When she's around...well let's just say, not much football gets coached.

TC:  That Jamaal Charles injury was tough.  He was your first round draft pick.  Going into the draft, what did you focus on? Was there anything in particular that you were looking for?

NT:  I'm not going to give away my trade secrets, but I usually focus on finding a good mix of proven, consistent players and possible breakouts.  Obviously Charles' injury was just one of those things you can never forecast.  My team still has a strong core that we built through the draft.

TC:  Like many teams this year, you changed your team name, what was the motivation behind the "Scrotum Smashers" name?

NT:  I think that too many people weren't frightened by the superstitious figure of the Chupacabra last year.  Probably due to the lack of Mexicans in the league.  I figured it would be a much more effective form of intimidation to threaten my rivals with testicular demolition instead.  And don't kid yourself, most of them know that it is a real possibility with me around.

TC:  I would like to take you back to the end of last season.  Both you and Davy had awful seasons.  The city of Madison was so fortunate to have two teams, but to have both be bottom feeders was difficult.  Then Commissioner Kinzie elected to have a 3 game series to decide who was the worst team.  It pitted roommates, neighbors, and mythical beasts against each other.  Your Madison Chupacabra's lost what was called "The Toilet Bowl", to Davy's Firebirds (now the Banana Hammocks).  What was it like to be put on full display for three straight weeks?

NT:  It was a two-fold attack for me. See, if I beat Davy, I would be forced to listen to him complain about it for 6 months.  But if I lost, half of Madison would want me tarred, feathered, and in all likelihood killed.  So, I decided to take the high road...I threw The Toilet Bowl.  I tried to throw the games for a couple reasons. First, to try and get the #1 draft pick this year (which subsequently was taken away from me thanks to a dog) which I thought was a good move for the future of this team. Second, I did it to boost Davy's self-esteem  That decision has led to a much happier home life.  I do not regret that decision.

TC:  Wow, you just blew my mind.  Let's change momentum here and cover something a little more serious.  Last year, you were the most hated man in media.  Every member of the WWSW staff was out to get you, John Travolta, Ryan Leaf, and Lou Olsen were all out to get you.  I have heard their side of the story.  Why did you refuse to do an interview last year? 

NT:   Honestly, I never felt like any of the three of them ever deserved my attention. You've got a Scientologist, who believes in all kinds of bizarre LSD induced alien jibber-jabber.  THen you have the biggest bust in the history of all sports.  Ryan Leaf?  Are you kidding me?  Why would I want to talk with that guy?  What a loser.  And Olsen...just some hippie that couldn't live up to his friend's/family's expectations and ran away to the far coast to hide his shame and obvious homosexuality.  I spit on all three of them. 

TC:  Well, now I thought you and Travolta had cleared up your rift?

NT:  Me and Saturday Night Fever are fine.  But, I don't have time to worry about the other two.

TC:  Now you and Olsen just played each other, were there any words exchanged after the game?

NT:  No, everything was civil.  Lou was lucky to pull one out last week because his team is not very good.  Which was very unfortunate for me because I have to face the meat-grinder this week.  What are the odds that my team beats the Bootleggers?  Then he gets to play Craig's mess of a team.  It's hard to be in playoff mode and lose a game against that hipster.

TC:   Do you still hold a grudge against Lou?

NT:  I don't think I've ever held a grudge. I've learned that one of my main shortcomings in dealing with people is that I expect too much from them. I've been trying to work on that, as you can see from me agreeing to an interview this year.

TC:  And I can not thank you enough for this.  It is a real treat for me. 

NT:  Yeah, it's not so bad after all. 

TC:  Well, we are in the home stretch now.  Who would you say is your biggest rival in the league?
NT:  Unfortunately, I would say that my biggest rival is the Firebird himself, David Jones. Not for any competition reasons, but just because we share the same roof. I can't tell you how many times I had to put up with Davy shoving the Toilet Bowl Trophy in my face last year. I just didn't have the heart to tell him that I threw the games.
TC:  How could it be any other way, right.  Then which team is least threatening to you?

NT:  I would say the Clam Faces are the least threatening. It all starts at the top. I hope he knows that I respect his beard-growing ability, but there is no possible way that I could ever be intimidated by Brian Sweeney. His frail frame, his meticulous vocabulary, his past love of PT Cruisers...I just can't see it. Just because you have strong hands and listen to retarded death metal doesn't make you a tough guy.
TC:  If you could let one other coach run your team, who would you choose?
NT:  Definitely Blake Derr. If there was anyone I could count on to make the tough decisions and to tell people how it is, it would be Blake.

TC:  This has been wonderful Nic.  Of course, now you know that it is time for Tim's Ten Questions.

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

NT:  Maybe 32000, plus or minus 10,000

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

NT:  Rugby and Whiskey: the Secret to Happiness
TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

NT:  Yes

TC:  Tupac?

NT:  Yes, what is with you and these conspiracy theories!?!?

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

NT:  A bear (grizzly or kodiak). Apex predator. Tough and large and you don't want to fuck with me. But can also be cuddly in the right circumstances.

TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
NT:  Cosby Sweater, it almost certainly involves feces.

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

NT:  I take both when I go camping

TC:  How are M&M's made?

NT:  I don't eat candy. I know where steak comes from...

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
NT:  I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers and I'm sorry that it's a very obvious answer, but I have my reasons. He's from California, I love California. He's a great player, I am too. But most importantly, he isn't married. I would love to be a rich professional football player with nothing holding me down. I can't believe all of the people in my league have just rushed into long-term relationships. Enjoy you youths, idiots!!

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
.NT:  American Southerners. I have to deal with them more consistently and their stupidity has a ton of input into how this country runs.


Again, a special thank you Nic Tyson for letting us in to his underwater lair.  We learned that Nic Tyson is a man, a man's man, a ladies man, and a business man...oh and a coach.  I wish him nothing but the best for the rest of this season.  See you all next week.