Weekly Re-Cap: Limp Dicks-R-U Guys

article by John Travolta

     You know, after last weeks face fuck, I honestly thought it could not get worse.  In my heart of hearts, I foolishly believed that the nonsense would end.  My soul told me that it was going to be the last week we had to drown our sorrow by sticking it to a Colombian UPS guy.  Well, guess what?  Thanks to you limp dickeroos, I had to re-mount Eduardo in order to muster up the moxie to even discuss this weeks events.  Personally, I blame Dan Cozine for putting the idea in my head to have unprotected sex with a Central American man.  Alright, enough about me, lets talk about you taint ticklers.

     In, "holy shit how did that happen" news, both of the league's Madison franchises are in the postseason discussion for their respective divisions.  If you could see my face, it looks suspiciously like there is a boner in it.  How, did this happen?  Davy Wagner and Nic Tyson have both turned Madison from the toilet bowl of the league into a classy executives restroom.  One with an attendant who offers you a nice spritz of  swanky cologne, like Tim McGraw or Antonio Banderas (actual colognes).  Congratulations, gentlemen. I never thought that I would see this day.  This turnaround should bring hope to the league's current cellar dwellers, the Kenosha Hershey Squirts and the Affirmative Blacktion...s.  If it can happen to the Madison boys, it can happen to anyone...and I literally mean anyone.

    But, the biggest news this week is the meteoric rise and fall of the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates.  Charles Kinzie, chemist, scientist, ginger....ran out of stuff to say about him.  The Ass Bandits seemed to have everything figured out, as they cruised to a quick division lead and a 3-0 record.  Then, Blake-Gate happened and Kinzie has never recovered.  Kinzie currently holds a tie for the second-longest losing streak in the league at four games.  And while his playoff aspirations are still alive and well, it is a stern reminder that no matter how much Ginger Power we possess, we are just creepy gingers.  Well, I'm not...but you know what I mean. 


Game Recap

Seattle Bad Sons   vs.   Kenosha Murderous Rampages at Christmas Just You Wait
       121.9                                                          105.5

This week we had a father-son face-off as the coaches Olsen squared off in a bloodline battle for family pride. Was that enough family references? Survey says yes.

The major difference-maker here may be boiled down to one player: Coach Junior's Arian Foster (46.4). He WENT OFF on the Titans, making up for a lackluster performance from QBs Joe Flacco (9.7) and Matt Cassel (2.2). Because Olsen the Lesser's margin of victory was only about 15 points, Foster's performance was crucial to the victory. Also crucial was the best TE in fantasy football (for the moment), Jimmy Graham, who earned an unconscionable 33 points. The supporting cast of those two superstars scored a total (TOTAL!) 52 points.

It was truly an unlucky week for Coach Senior, as his players generally put up respectable numbers. Doubly unlucky was the injury to Blount-backup Earnest Graham. That puts the Squirts into real RB trouble, but probably makes those who missed the boat on this shrewd waiver pickup feel a little better. Boners: Joe Flacco and Matt Cassel

Coach Olsen, Sr., fired fucking everyone:

"Fuck you, Folk, goodbye Graham, beat it, Browns defense. My God, McGahee. 5.6 points? Breaston, you were a bust and Branch, you can bite my balls. Son, when you see me coming, you'd better cross the street because I'm gunning for you and your lucky streak is about to end"

Let's hope an overhaul helps the embattled cellar-dwelling Hersey boys.

Rochester Horrible Weeks    vs.    Madison Bananactually Getting Respectables
           70.8                                                       139.8

Continuing the theme of horrible, Godawful, sour, blasted luck, Coach Cozine took a jizz bolt right to the chest this week, courtesy of his underperforming squad of probable homosexuals. I mean, he got it BAD. For instance, his highest scorer was the kicker he picked up off waivers after his single live draft pick (Nate Kaeding) decided to head home for the season with a boo-boo. Actually, the REAL kicker (see what I did there?) is that his biggest play was Kasay's 15 points.

That may have had something to do with the fact that Vick, Green-Ellis, Maclin and Manningham were all on bye weeks. Just maybe. That just goes to show that bye weeks are important to note when drafting. Maybe next time Coach Cozine will participate in the live draft instead of heading out to muscle beach to take in the scenery.

Reached for comment, Cozine spoke his mind thusly:

Just kidding, we didn't interview the son of a bitch. LOLZ.

Coach Davy was ebullient in his post-game interview:

"I couldn't have hoped for a better day. We had a good showing and managed to rout the Bolts, who clearly don't have their shit together. Dirty Sanchez is starting to wear the mustache of a champion and Purple Jesus walks on water once again. I fear that Marques Colston could be taking fantasy enhancing drugs, though. I'll have to check his ass for needle marks. Personally. On another note, I'm just happy we didn't have to play the Claymakers and set a new record for closest loss -- those bastards would have beaten us by 0.1 points. Yeesh."

Boner: Daniel Winston Cozine


Kenosha Lucky Fucks    vs.    Waukesha Anti-Postal Services
          167.6                                              139.9

How lucky can one guy possibly be?  Coach Leiting started Tim Tebow and DeMarco Murray, both recent waiver claims that the coach had hoped would just hold down the fort for a week.  Instead he got 26.9 from Tebow and 31.3 from Murray.  You son of a bitch.  Meanwhile your father-in-law hits the waiver wire harder than anyone else in the league and comes up with nothing.  This is the same guy who took Fred Jackson "because Jonathan Stewart was already taken."  Unbelievable.  It's hard to imagine a championship scenario that does not involve the Bootleggers playing for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.

Meanwhile, Coach Derr continued his boycott of the USPS by scoring the vast majority of his points through the air, which clearly implies his preference for UPS and FedEx.  His QB tandem of Rodgers and Schaub combined for the only five TDs on his entire roster.  Live by the QB and die by the QB.  Don't believe me, ask ginger pubes.  On a positive note, Coach Derr must have been thrilled to see that Mike Williams decided to put down his ginger-ale and Redbook to play football for the first time all season.

Boner of the Game: Nate Washington - 2pts and Percy Harvin - 4.3pts 

After the game, Coach Leiting was a dick:

"I am the greatest the world has ever seen.  Fuck the players, I am the coach.  Who do you think makes the pistons fire in this unstoppable 10 cylinder engine?  It's me, slut nuts!!!  Hey Blake, I was gonna mail you an apology check, but since no one mails checks any more, I ate your check and then pooped it out on my lawn.  It confused my dog, see, because it was bigger than a dog turd.  This team is so good, I have already cleared out a space on my mantle for Ryan Leaf's Action Figure.  It is going right next to my "Baddest Mother Fucker on the Planet" award, and my BET award for "Whitest Black Guy of the Millennium" Award.  Suck on that you labial folds.  Leit-man...out!!"

Man, that guy is an asshole.  Must not have ever heard the phrase "Gracious in defeat." Oh wait...


I Stopped Paying Attention Weeks Ago    vs    D.C. Thank Jeebus I Got to Play Craig
                      116.1                                                                 160.9

I have heard of throwing in the towel, but I am starting to wonder if Craig is too busy having promiscuous Euro-sex to set a lineup.  This week, he let Eli Manning show up, but there was no one there for him to play.  So, he played with himself, which in this game does not earn you any points.  Plus he played Felix Jones, which goes to show that his head is way to far up in the pussy clouds to set a valid fantasy football lineup.  If you want to look on the bright side, Craig was only one player away from the first WWSRL circle jerk.  Two men don't make a circle...they make a line.  Think about it.

What a wasted effort from Coach Super Sweens Clamaslammajammas.  The team put up a solid 160.9 points behind the always sexy Drew Brees.  Very rarely do I mention a kicker in these re-caps, unless it is to mock them, but an 18 point performance from Mason Crosby deserves a tip of my pilots cap. Quakster Jr, seems to have his team headed in the right direction as they now find themselves atop the East division. 

Boner of the Game has to be Coach Craig 

This is the first double coaching boner of the season.  You better believe that Sweeney had something to say about that after the game:

"Well, there is not a lot of pride in beating a team that only put eight men on the field.  However, I am sure that Blake is crying about it all the way to his Swiss vagina account.  Who needs wins when you can nail a chick in every European nation.  My only advice to Craig, wrap that shit up.  Sex lasts 2 1/2 minutes...for you, not for me, but Euro-crabs last for a few weeks with special shampoo and a tiny comb.  In order to celebrate our victory, I am taking the entire team out for International House of Pancakes, in honor of our opponents exploits.  I for one, am a sucker for a good stack of crepes."

Damn it Sweeney, now I want some stuffed french toast.  You bastard. 


Madison Scrotes McGotes   vs.   Philadelphia Colon Conquerors
                138                                                 111.9

Rothelisberger's (32.2) rise to prominence is indeed a terrifying one, and Cam Newton's (28.1) brilliant rookie season are truly paying dividends for Coach Tyson's ragtag team of ne'er-do-wells. Greg Jennings (27.7) continued to put up totally enviable numbers, and the rest of the Smashers performed at least well enough to get by.

Coach Chuckles, once the major challenger for clear hegemond Nick Leiting, has fallen on hard times. Matt Stafford, while winning games from here to Timbuktu, managed only 13.3 fantasy points while Tom Brady, Frank Gore, Aaron Hernandez and Victor Cruz sipped on gin and juice over the bye week.

This while the Scrotes' only spectators were Cedric Benson and the erratic David Nelson. Planning: It's a good thing, and Tyson this week reaped the benefits.

Boner: Billy Cundiff laid a big, fat goose egg


Tyson had the following to say to league nemesis Coach Olsen of the Humpers:

"You thought it was real funny last year, mocking my struggling team, didn't you? Guess what, uncle fucker -- I'm comin' to getcha. That's right. Target on your back, you forest fairy. Prepare yourself for The Humpening, in which you will be humped until my entire team is blue in the face. I'm calling you out, and even Travolta's on my side." [Points and stares for 30 minutes, unmoving]

Yikes! I have no idea what he's talking about, Lou. You know we're buddies, right?

In honor of all the sleaziness that happened this past weekend, here is a picture for you all to...enjoy?  See you all next week.

Wally Gives you the Kiss of Death.

article by: Lou Olsen

     It has become common knowledge that Wally is not great at picking these games.  In his defense, this is the second week we have done this.  He is shaking the rust off I think.  Then again, even last year he was pretty bad.  I do not have the exact numbers in front of me, so feel free to check my stats, but I feel like he was wrong more often than right. 

     That being said, a name change is in order.  Wally does not like to loose, so this is also to stroke his ego a little bit.  It's dog psychology. 

    You guys remember...that time we let Wally pick the draft order?  That...that was my bad.  I pitched that idea. 

    I know it is a little late, but I have been crying a lot lately.  The Brewers...well, you all know so there is no need to discuss it further.  Plus there's the drinking and drug use,  mixed with the closeted homosexuality.  But I am working through that.  What the hell was I talking about?


Wally's Picks 

Scrotum Smashers    vs    Butt Pirates

Tough luck Nic.  Wally can't even look at you.

Affirmative Blacktion    vs    Clam Faces

Craig, ouch.  There's always next week...or not.  Wally decides.

Bootleggers    vs    Claymakers

Up yours Uncle Nick.  I stomp on your paper.

Tree Humpers    vs    Hershey Squirts

Haha Dad, oh wait that's me.  Shit.

Jizz Bolts    vs    Banana Hammocks

Well Davy, he's ashamed he didn't pick Dan. 

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch, that is.

article by Tim Couch

Hello everyone.  You may know me from my time as the QB for the Cleveland Browns.  Or perhaps you remember me as "Mr. Kentucky Football", 1995.  No?  Oh, you probably know me from those Top 10 lists.  Which one is not important.  Fine, I am huge fucking failure.  Sure, I was great in High School, but it seems like so was everyone else.  I threw 80 touchdowns in college...at Kentucky!!  Why did they think I would be good in the NFL?  1st overall!!  Nobody drafts a FOOTBALL player from Kentucky, with the 1st overall pick.  It wasn't my fault, it was ESPN's. 

Oh, well it really doesn't matter because my wife is smoking hot.  Plus I'm rich.  Now I get to interview the coaches of the greatest fantasy football league in the land.  This is my shot at redemption.  So, I have no intention of wasting it.  Over the next few weeks you will see the finest journalistic work you have ever seen.  I am going to make Katie Couric look like a garden variety prostitute.  Over the last few days I have been reading Leaf's interviews.  That guy could not ask the tough questions.  Believe me, that is about to change. 

Photo courtesy of Davy Wagner, I assume he got it at the History Channel website.

This week I will be sharing tea with WWSRL Commissioner, Charles Roger Kinzie.  Not only is Kinzie the leader of the fantasy football free world, he is also the coach of Philadelphia's 2nd favorite football team, the Butt-Pirates.  In his 2nd season as commander-in-chief, Chuck has expanded the league to 10 teams as well as implementing a new scoring system.  Under his watch things have been firm, firm but fair.

Kinzie invited me to his horse stud farm in the suburbs of Philadelphia.  He had me picked up from the airport in a limo, complete with Crown Royal and RC Cola.  When I arrived, he handed me some tea and rushed me to a couch he had made specifically for this meeting.  Chuck had the couch made by the kind Amish people who are native to the great state of Pennsylvania.  After watching a quick round of "studding", we got down to business. 

TC:  Charlie, thank you for having me out here.  It is beautiful.

CK:  I love living here.  It is such a peaceful place.

TC:  I'd like to start today by getting something out in the open from the start.  There has been some unpleasantness this season.  One thing in particular, has really put a black mark on the decency of this league.  It really needs no introduction...of course, we are talking about...Dan Cozine missing the draft.  Everyone is still really pissed off about what happened that day.  What was it like form your perspective?

CK:  (sighs and takes a sip of coffee, Earl Grey perhaps)  5 minutes before the draft was going to start, I noticed that Dan had not entered the lobby yet.  This tardiness was very unlike Cozine.  So, rather than making a scene, I texted Dan to remind him about the start time of the draft.  His response to me was something along the lines of:
I set auto draft list...I'm on the beach...I'm gay...Fuck you guys...
I responded to his insolence, with a simple:  LAME!!
In the back of my mind I'm still holding out hope that he is going to show up.  Then the draft started and there was no sign of Dan, until the 11th round.  Dan walks down the aisle, wearing nothing but a speedo and some swim goggles.  Cozine walks up to the podium and waits until it's his pick in the 12th round.  That whore walked up to microphone and drafted Kicker Nate Kaeding, kicked over the podium, and walked out the door.  Naturally, I assume that he went back to the beach, were he sipped on redneck martini's (Bud Light with Olives) straight from a Goldy Gopher glass. 

TC:  Wow.  No wonder there was such an uproar from the league.  What a blatant show of disrespect to everything that this league stands for.  I can't wait to interview Coach Cozine to ask him about his outrageous behavior.  Speaking of outrageous behavior, there has been some other bally-hoo going on in the league lately.  Talk to me about the current Blake crisis.  How has it impacted the 2nd season of the league?  Has it been resolved?  Will Blake stay in the league?  How did it come to this?

CK:  This interview is way too serious.  The season has not been impacted too severely by this whole thing.  It would be nice if I could focus on making the league better, instead of spending time having to wipe up Blake's sopping vagina on a weekly basis.  Quite frankly I am fed up with his constant complaining.  Why is it my fault that he can't read?  Why is it my responsibility to draw out the rules for him in Jumbo Crayola crayons?  I can only hope this incident is not as distracting to the rest of the league as it is to me.  Personally I was most upset by him calling out the rest of the league and then demanding wins under threat of quitting the league.  It was the first act of terrorism our league has ever witnessed.  This is a situation that was completely avoidable.  Plenty of notice was given.  The payment rules were clearly placed on the league homepage and the blog.  E-mails were sent in order to remind Blake.  The man is impossible to get a hold of.  Oh, and by the way, every member of the league paid by check, through the mail. So suck on that Derr.

This is actually Tim Couch's wife.

TC:  It is something that really puts everyone in a bad mood.  You never want to see terrorism in sports.  Chuck, this is another tough question.  I hate to keep doing this to you.  What was it like to relocate the team from a players paradise like Chicago, to the godless heathen fans who inhabit Philadelphia?

CK:  Shh.  They don't actually know yet.  I've given the entire city of Chicago a cocktail which consists of whiskey sours, Valium, and Xanax.  The Xanax is in case they do find out, it will be easier for them to take. 

TC:  Charlie, that is a bombshell.  No wonder the city doesn't seem to care how bad the Bears are.  If you were trapped on a dessert island and you could take 1 movie, 1 book, and 1 video of a sports season, what would you take?

CK:  BASEketball, Dune, and the '85 Bears

TC:  Good choices cock, beer? 

CK:  What?

TC:  Nothing.  Chuck any comment on the possibility of expanding the playoffs to 6 teams next season?

CK:  I don't know what you are talking about....

TC:  Are...are you sure?

CK:  Drop it Couch!! 

TC:  Okie-dokie.  As a coach, who do you fear the most?

CK:  The Bootleggers.  Coach Leiting has the team to beat right now.  They are hands down the best.

TC:  In that same frame of thought, which team do you fear the least?

CK:  Big Lou's team.  Nothing personal...your team sucks Mr. Olsen.

TC:  Let's stay with this, if you could have one other coach in the league run your team, who would it be?

CK:  Probably Lil' Lou.  He seems to be...wwwwwith it!! (it sounds just like it reads)

TC:  Chuck, what are the odds that I could get a tryout...to play for the Butt-Pirates as 3rd string QB?

CK:  Not good.  Like, ice cube in hell not good.

TC:  How about assistant QB coach?

CK:  Still no.

TC:  Fair enough.  Now it's time for Tim's Ten Questions!! 

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

CK:  37,000

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

CK:  Master of Disaster: Where did it all go...right?

TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

CK:  No

TC:  Tupac?

CK:  No, I'm fairly certain they are roomies.

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

CK:  Mongoose

TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?

CK:  Alabama Hot Pocket

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

CK:  Whiskey is matured in burnt oak barrels.

TC:  How are M&M's made?

CK:  As President and CEO of the Butt-Pirates franchise, am not at liberty to share that information with you.

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?

CK:  Tom Brady

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?

CK:  Bastard!  American Southerners because I feel like there are more of them.  That gives me so much more to hate. 


I would like to thank our fearless leader for taking some time to sit with me in the countryside and share some of this thoughts.  After the interview we spent the afternoon frolicking with the studs and playing very aggressive game of Bocce Ball.  Turns out Mr. Kinzie takes competitive Bocce to a whole new level.  Truly terrifying. 

Happy Birthday Chuck.
















 

Week 6 Recap: Jesus Pantyflinging Christ

by John Travolta

Another Sunday(/Monday), another bag of unpredictable and, dare I say, nonsensical fantasy football numbers. These results make about as much sense as me playing a tough biker. Three games were decided by fewer than two points, which has gotta be some kind of goddamn record. We're also getting into the part of the year when waiver wire pickups are a factor, sometimes providing a free boost to managers who pay attention and often raining down crushing blows by defying the high-flying prophecies of the fantasy analysis oracles. The ride isn't going to get any smoother from here on out, unless your name is Nick or Blake, so hold on. (And if your name is Nick or Blake, I'd like to invite you to the Travolta man-cave, if you know what I mean)

As a harbinger of what's to come, please enjoy this video of Coach Cozine and Coach Sweeney amicably shaking hands after the Jizz Bolts walked away with a 1.5-point victory:

Fasten your seat belts for a bye-ful week 7, folks, and let's take a look at this week's results.


Waukesha Gayshakers vs. The Alaskan Quacktion
              129.9                                       129

Holy shit, it's another barnburner, folks. Coach Derr wins by less than a nose - maybe a nose hair. Aaron Rodgers (29.9) continues to dominate the competition, while disappointing days from Moylan's Mashers  Felix Jones (5.3 - and an injury to boot) and Roddy White (4.1) put the rain cloud precisely over Horrible Male/Female Ratio Stadium in Alaska. To add insult to injury, playing Santana Moss (5.8) or Johnny Knox (6.1) of Moylan's beloved Bears would have given him the victory. It all came down to -- wait, am I reading this correctly? Yes, it appears Hell has frozen over, and Plaxico Burress (2.6) pushed Coach Derr right into the land of hegemony. Boner: Felix Jones for getting injured

Reached for comment after Monday's game, Coach Derr had this to say:

At first, I thought I would try a new strategy. I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I told myself I'd bide my time until the very last minute, when I decided to just crush him like an ant. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, right. I think Mr. Burns said that once. Well, I guess that's appropriate since I'm the one who's gonna be $225 richer in a couple of months.

Madison Bananagrams vs. Seattle Extreme Nature Lovers
                 124.4                                         156.1

What a banner week for Coach Olsen. Not only did he outscore Coach Davy J. by more than 25 points, his bench more than doubled the Madison misfit's. Both teams had a pretty decent output, but Ahmad Bradshaw (33) took the game out of reach for the old DJ. That's a shame, since Romo and Sanchez had damn fine weeks at 18.4 and 20.5 respectively, and Colston (24.8) really made a statement. It was the bottom three that showed the true double-divergence between these teams this week. Coach Loudog's Jimmy Graham (TE) blew the lid off with nearly 20 and his Jets defense matched that Monday night. Alex Henery, kicker for the Eagles didn't do too shabby either, with eight. In contrast, the Nanas' back end scored a whopping 2.8 points total. Ay caramba. Boners: Vernon Davis, Saints D/ST and Ryan Longwell

Coach Olsen responded to the victory after the game:

I just hope this team can get back on track now that we're at .500. I am feeling so good though, about our future, that I think I'm going to go put some rouge on to seal the deal. And maybe a nice, high-quality wig -- brunette, because I'm a bad girl. BOY. I mean boy. I've said too much.

D.C. Chowda Faces    vs    Rochester's Electric Semen
          100.2                                        101.7

I am not sure who's second QB was worse, the Clam Strips with Rex Grossman (-2.3 pts), or Zeus Splooge with Matt Moore (4.2 pts).  How do you compare a garbage bag full of horse shit to a garbage bag full of horse piss?  You can't.  This was the lowest scoring game of the week, which is very uncharacteristic of a Sweeney/Cozine showdown.  You may remember when they got into a fist fight after last years regular season finale.  Sweeney took offense to Dan winning, Dan disagreed.  As The Malaysian Man hand Coach Cozine approached Sweeney for a post game handshake, Sweeney whipped out his balls and placed them in his opponents hand.  After an initial stare-down, Cozine flicked the insanely smooth ball sack with his middle finger.  The rest, as they say, is history. 

Coach Cozine will take this weeks Boner Award, for falling for the Ryan Torrain hype.  That pick-up payed off in a tit pinching 2.2 points...which was actually the difference in the game.  Huh.  Guess I sort of walked right into that one.  So, good job?   I went to the press conference to tell you in person, but then I saw something truly disturbing.  Coach Cozine, alone, in the post game hot tub.  I couldn't help but ask him were his Malayasian Man-Puppet was:

Oh, he is visiting his mother Azzlina.  She has not been feeling well, so I made sure to pack him lots of chamomile tea and all kinds of special lotions.  I don't want him bringing back any freaky-deaky Malaysian diseases with him.  You never know what kind of creepy crawly things he is going to come back with.  One year he brought me a salamander...at least I think it was a salamander.  Well it was dark, and I noticed it's lack of arms and legs.  It kind of felt like a moist sausage...and it didn't move.  Ahh, it was a penis.  Just put that together.  What was the question? 

 Philly Fart Fencers    vs    Kenowhere AA Meeting
           131.1                                     159.4

This was a battle of the two highest scoring teams in the league this year and they did not disappoint.  Have you ever watched two swordfish fight on the surface of the sea?  Me neither, but I assume it would be kind of like that.  The biggest impact on this game was what Pierre Thomas did not do.  Boner of the Week - Pierre Thomas was able to force out a 0.6 point performance, which virtually doomed the Glory Hole Hooligans.  In order to beat the Alco-Klepto's, you have to have a few big performances.  Coach Nickelback does not have any big number guys, but he has a team of guys averaging 15 points a week...every...single...week.  Coach Ginger Spice could not even rely on his usual work horses, Brady and Stafford, to keep him in the game as both found themselves in tough defensive battles all afternoon.  Rendering them nothing more than good. 

Could we have witnessed a playoff preview?  Maybe, but this league is so mediocre that it is impossible to know.  One final note about this game, Coach Nickelodeon had no choice but to start this lineup.  He deserves zero credit for how well this victory worked out, because he had absolutely no choice.  4 Bye's, an injury, and Delone West....who the fuck is Delone West.  Clearly this was an easy lineup to set.  I tried to make him feel stupid about it after the game, FAIL:

Mr. Travolta, why would you ask such a stupid question.  Did you ever think that maybe I built my lineup specifically for this weekend?  Hmm.  Did you ever think that maybe I pay attention to the Bye Weeks when I am drafting?  Do you see me quesitoning you for wearing a ladies fat suit for a movie re-make of a Broadway musical, which was already a re-make of an 1980's John Waters film?  No!  We play the cards we are dealt Barbarino.  You stupid Italian homo!  Do you see me stopping by the set of Old Dogs to ask you, 'Hey John, couldn't you have had a better cast?'  No!  Because I am a strong, smart, totally straight man.  How about giving me credit for taking down a ginger?  Isn't that something your (makes quotation hand gesture) "religion" encourages?  You had better hope that Tarantino writes a script about a fat old closeted Italian man, who writes for a fantasy football blog.  If not, this is about as good as it is going to get for you.  Me, I am going to go home, do my taxes, stuff a ram I shot in Canada, and eat a ram steak.  Enjoy your post game hot tub. 

 Keno Shitty Pebbles    vs    Madison Tissue Trouncers
          128                                               129.2

The Hershey No-No Kisses season has been plagued by injuries and under-performance from franchise players.  Peyton Hillis continues to be nothing more than a white guy.  We all know that white guys do not make good running backs...at least not anymore.  Hillis left his coach high and dry by giving him 1.4 points.  That earned him a Boner this week. On the other side of the field, Nic Tyson has erased any memory of last season by delivering his 4th consecutive victory.  Wow...I never thought the day would come that I was impressed with Nic Tyson.  Then I took a look at his Kicker, who happened to score 20 points. 

Once I realized that Billy Cundiff was Tyson's 2nd leading scorer (Mendenhall had 20.6), all of that newfound respect vanished quicker than a scrotum in the snow.  Tyson's team is led by a common restroom rapist and a dirty liar and cheater.  Two men who truly symbolize what Tyson means to this league.  After the game, I asked Tyson to talk about what it felt like to steal something from the clutches of an old man.

Football is a game of inches.  Today I was able to sneak myself by the Tractor Trailer, probably sometime between Desperate Housewives and Modern Family.  He probably had a glass of red wine and was a little sleepy and I managed to sneak through his living room and right out the front door.  If it takes a kicker scoring 20 points to pull of a little extra ninja stealth, than so be it.  I honed my skills in High School, for I had a nosey mother you see.  Late, after a night of drinking Milwaukee's Best...Light, I would traipse home and have to sneak by my mother on the porch.  My years of training have made it virtually impossible for old people to stop me.  You would think it was the rugby, but it was actually the sneaking by my mom.  The rugby helps me to break hips and cash life insurance policy checks.  That's right, I'll kill your old person.  If the price is right.

 Thanks for reading, ladies. As your reward, here's a jack-o-lantern idea for the upcoming holiday:

COWABUNGA!!

Week 5: Neck and neck... and neck

by John Travolta

Hey you guys! It's Johnny boy again! I'm rather excited to report this week's results, so I''m starting a little early. I'm chilling here with my best friend Tom Cruise, watching the thrilling Monday Night Football matchup of the Lions of Detroit versus the Bears of Illinois.

We'll get to the hard-hitting fake football analysis shortly, but I wanted to take a moment to address my friend Hank Williams, Jr.'s recent troubles with ESPN. If you're unaware, the "worldwide leader in sports" dropped his immortal Monday night intro song, "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Monday Night," after Bocephus merely spoke his mind about the state of American politics. He innocently compared a golf game between the president and my hero John Boehner to a meeting between the person responsible for the most human suffering and death in modern history and Benjamin Netanyahu, president of Israel.

He's not saaaaaaaaaaaying that Obama is Hitler -- he's just saying Obama is like Hitler in that deep down he wants to commit genocide against Boehner's people. So this is all being blown out of proportion. What's that, Tom Cruise? He said the president is "the enemy," along with Joe Biden? He called them the "Three Stooges?" But there are only two of them. Uh-huh? Oh. OK. Well, his first amendment rights have STILL BEEN VIOLATED! American citizens are allowed to say whatever they want and you can't fire them for it! What's that, Tom Cruise? Oh, damn it. They mean that you can't be fired from THE COUNTRY? Employers CAN fire people for making them appear to endorse extremist viewpoints? Shitty.

The voice of reason?

Well, at least the song isn't adapted for football from another version, about how the South "woulda had it made" if the Confederacy had won the Civil War. OK, Tom Cruise is telling me that IS, in fact, what that song is about. I'm starting to wonder why I get my political insight exclusively from Bocephus.

God dammit. It's still bullshit. That song, Confederate-sympathizing or not, was a part of the soul of Monday Night Football, and I'll miss it. Hardcore.

Welp! Time to get to brass tacks: FANTASY ANALYSIS!

Rochester Bizz Jolts vs. Seattle Hee Trumpers

             135.3                               135

Ho-lee poopwads. This was the closest final score in the storied two-year history of the West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football league. Not only that, it went right down to the wire. In fact, we spoke with Coach Cozine for possibly the first-ever actual post-game interview, recapping the Packers-Falcons game, in which both the JBs and the Randy Arborists' last hopes laid:

The Falcons got the ball with 1:10 left on the clock. My player, Tony Gonzalez, made a catch after which the Falcons declined a defensive penalty. If they had accepted, the catch would not have counted and I would have had 2.2 fewer points. 

That wasn't enough to win though.

 I needed the very next play, which was a mere 2 yard completion to T-Gon, which gave me 1.2 points, and overcame my .9 point deficit by .3. Atlanta finished it off by throwing an incomplete and an interception immediately afterward.

Meanwhile, the only player Lou had left in play, Julio Jones, was injured midway through the 4th quarter, thus assuring no way for him to get any last minute points himself. It was "the perfect storm."

Tom and I agree: "The perfect storm" could have been the lamest possible end to that blockquote, but look at the source, I guess. Anyway, Dan wins, and the fabulous fantasy predicting Wally is 0-for-1 on the day. Boners: Eric Decker and Tebowmania

Affirmative Sacktion vs. Madison Smashing Scrotkins

              109.3                                       147.9

It appears that either Coach Moylan of the Alaskan branch of the league is either on vacation and forgot to put someone in charge (next time talk to Cozine's Malaysian man-boy) or just conceded this week's game to a bye-week loss. This should serve as a warning to all you little boys and girls out there: Pay attention to bye weeks on draft day. Coach Craig entered the week five players short, and didn't make any waiver claims or anything to rectify the situation. He played short two positions, tight end and running back. 

But it appears Sherlock Cruise has locked onto a raging clue in this Scooby D'oh mystery: The Blacktion Attacktion had a tight end sitting on the bench the whole time! So, it appears old Moylan was caught with his pants down this week.

Coach Tyson was grateful for any victory at all:

Even if Moylan had his head too far up your mom's ass to set a roster or pay attention on draft day, so be it. I'm sure it's pleasurable for your mom, so let's just call it good. Madison will take anything that puts it above .500. [Crushes can on head, belches, blows snot rocket]. We ain't too proud 'round here.

Boner: Fucking Craig

K-town Tootpeggers vs Kenosha LiquiShits

            126.5                            105.1

In yet another crosstown rivalry match, Coach Nick and Coach Tractor Traylor clashed in a close-ish battle of the butts. Nick apparently only needs one quarterback, since despite Kyle Orton's spectacular -0.7-point implosion, he pulled off a victory by about 20. Fred Jackson put up a studly 30, and everybody else pretty much achieved what as expected of them. Add that to some less-than-spectacular days from Traylor's Crabtree (5.4) and Jordy Nelson (4.7), and you've got yourself a Hershey Squirt teabaggin' Tootpegger on your hands. And that smell stays on you for WEEKS. Believe me -- Tom and I know.

Tractor Traylor had this to say after the game:

I can't believe that little son-in-law assbag managed to pull off a victory against me. On top of that, I'm shocked he TRIED to beat me. Christmas is coming up. We will be eating some very large meals together... some very large meals high in tryptophan. Watch where you nap, Nick. I know I will...

Chilling. Boner: Orton

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks

                   111.5                                     171.5

Coach Davy's doing something right. Either that or he's finally had that fateful business meeting with the Prince of Darkness. The results were tremendous this week for the Cack-Cradlers. Adrian Petersen (30.2) exploded, Dwayne Bowe (31.8) came out of nowhere and on-again-off-again A.J. Green (20) was on. Again. It was a monster day for Davy, but his lack of depth might hurt him down the road. Coach Chuckles the Clown has more consistency, but he suffered a double-swing when his bad luck combined with the Hammocks' good. Three of his five RB/WRs scored single digits and no one else, save Frank Gore (20.3) had a real high-performance day. 

Charlie, unable to cope with a loss in Madison, died in a puddle of his own vomit, blood and chicken bones after the game, and was unavailable for comment.

Boner: too blase to pick.

Waukesha Special Exceptions vs. Washington, D.C. Pseudopod Lightningrods

                      127.7                                           123.5

Coach Derr, amid a roiling controversy this week regarding his dues, entered Monday night behind by about 30 with two players in the MNF game: Jahvid Best and the Lions defense/special teams. Coach Sweeney felt confident going into the game, with Best averaging a mere 17.1 points per game on the season. Of course, the motherfucker scored 30, and the God damn Lions scored 5, helping asshole Blake to a 4.2 point victory.

Coach Sweeney was overheard shouting at the moon after the game while chain smoking:

Blake Derr, you cork soaker. You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. This is fargin' war!

Boner: Kevin Kolb (4.3)

 So there you have it. Another week in the bag. Tom Cruise and I are going to go get some ice cream, but we enjoyed this week infinitely more than the losers of these close, close games. Sadly, Wally was 1-for-5 on the week's predictions, meaning he needs to get his act together. Here's a picture of a girl making faces at a baby elephant. Toodles!

Wally Picks a Winner: Week 5

article by: Lou Olsen

     I know that I missed the first four weeks guys, but I need you to cut me a little slack right now.  With the Brewers in the playoffs, my time away from my day job and baseball is minimal.  I promise that once the baseball season is over, this blog will become the literary masterpiece you have come to expect.

     Let me tell you something, Wally loves this game.  In fact, I do not think that there is anything in my life that I enjoy as much as this dog likes to pick the winners.  So, here is what the dog came up with for this weeks match-ups. 


Wally's Picks


1)  Bootleggers    vs    Hershey Squirts

Wally Picks:  Chocolate Turds

All of this picking has made him sleepy...go away now.

2)  Butt Pirates    vs    Banana Hammocks

Wally Picks:  Captain Ass Sparrow


3)  Blacktion    vs    Scrotum Smashers

Wally Picks:  The Black Guys


4)  Jizz Bolts    vs    Tree Humpers

Wally Picks:  Shrub Thumpers


5)  Claymakers    vs    Clam Faces

Wally Picks:  Mike Tyson's Punch-Out

Week 4 Re-Cap: What a mess...

article by: John Travolta

Travolta fever, indeed

Well, well, well. You big boners can't seem to do anything right. All of the home teams lost, which is complete nonsense. Can someone explain to me how we have an entire division with the exact same record? Anyone? This makes less sense than Scientology. The only difference between Scientology and this league, is that I can believe Scientology!! Those of you belonging to the West division, make me want to puke on dog shit and watch a herpes infected hooker eat it. Your teams are soooo mediocre that you make the people of Switzerland are laughing at you. What does the East division have that you don't? And I do not want to hear anyone say the obvious answer which is a black team. Racist bastards.

On the bright side, there were no blowouts this week. All of the games were relatively close in score and I like that. There is one other thing that pissed me off this weekend though. Dan Cozine appears to have fired his Malaysian sex slave as head coach. In a surprise move, Cozine appears to have decided to be involved in the league this year after-all. The announcement was made...fuck it, who cares. He did say that we would retain the Malaysian as a "special assistant to the head coach." Now, I have not read the job description, but I assume that most of the responsibilities revolve around the "head" coach Cozine keeps in his pants. With this sudden change of heart comes a sudden change of name (no pun intended). The Rochester Jizz Bolts have been pulled from the dusty, mothball-infested boxes of the past to strike fear into....gay men's anuses everywhere. Congrats, Dan, on continuing to be the #1 asshole in this league. Keep up the bad work.

We are still waiting to hear if Commissioner Kinzie will force Blake Derr to forfeit his win last weekend against the Banana Hammocks. A vote is currently underway and things do not look good. Rules are rules. There have been constant reminders from the league web page to the very pages of this blog. Excuses are about as useful as Dan Cozine offering to draft your fantasy football team. Sorry, Blake. Pay your bills, son, or at least have the wifey do it for you.

Week 4 Re-Cap

Clams vs Squirts
  149        112.8

My heart goes out to the Hershey Squirts. First they lost Peyton Manning before the season even started, then this week Chad Henne completes 3 of his first 4 passes before getting sidelined with a shoulder injury. Times are tough in Kenosha. Meanwhile, the Clams are reveling in their dominant performance from their defense, who scored a nut numbing 3 TD's to rack up 32 points. Aside from that, the biggest difference was in the flex position. Coach Sween opted to go with Darren Sproles who rose to the occasion. While Big Coach Olsen went with newly acquired Tim Hightower, who went limp at the sight of the Clams defense for the second week in a row. Boner of the week: Chad Henne. Way to get injured in the first quarter, dummy.

After the game I caught up with Coach Sweeney about his big win:

Nothing makes me happier than getting a W at Brian Sweeney's Tiny Penis Field. This is a tough place to play, especially for me. I probably never should have named our stadium after Big Lou Olsen. It was meant to be a shrine to his memory, instead it just pissed him off. That team will get a chance to come to our place in a few weeks and hopefully we can thwart them again with our giant penises. Great job by our defense, can't wait to congratulate those guys in the shower.

Jizz Bolts vs Blacktion
  141.6            134.9

This was the closest game of the week, but not quite game of the week material...mostly because of my

hatred for Coach Cozine. His team won. Black guys lost. It must really burn Coach Moylan's ass that his deficit for the week was only 6.7 points, especially considering that LaDanian Tomlinson brought in only 1.1 points. Had he not gotten greedy (LT had 26 last week, but was inconsistent) and played the steadier Felix Jones (RB, Dallas), he would have won by 6. Boner of the week: LaDanian Tomlinson

Here is what Cozine had to say after the game to a squirrel:

Are you heading this press conference little guy? Would you like a Froot Loop? I have some in a baggy in my pocket. Will you be my friend? (holds cereal out for squirrel and it bites him) Damn it. I knew I should have drafted instead of going to the beach......

Treebangers vs. Bootlickers

      167.8                 155.3

What a stinker of a week for these quarterbacks. All four (four!) of them combined for less than 25 points. Let's ignore these ass-clowns entire for this analysis, shall we? Focus on the positive. That's what my anger therapist says. So, pretty much everybody else on both teams scored in the double digits, including the defenses. I realize that being in a PPR league increases scores, but this is ridiculous. Keep an eye on both of these sonsa bitches this year because their 2-2 records are deceivingly low. Boners of the week, because we can't always stay positive: Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Sam Bradford and Joe Flacco

We spoke with Coach Olsen after the game:

Yes, darling. Another dirty. This time with some goddamn vermouth, please?? Oh, sorry, John. The help around here [puffs cigar], sheesh. Well, I'm just going to sit back and watch the points roll in from here. I've kicked that piece of trash Danny Woodhead to the curb, and signed Tavaris Jackson, so essentially everyone on my team is averaging more than 10 points per week. It's going to be another great season here in Seattle [adjusts monocle, gives waitress $100 bill and a room key].

 NUTS vs. DONG

  137.6       121.4

The storied battle of nuts vs. dong is finally complete. As it turns out, nuts beat dong, which was a total surprise to me. Cam Newton continues his campaign of shock and awe, raining down points on (almost) every contender. This week he had a scrotum-smashing 34.5. Romo didn't look bad for the Hammocks, but Sanchez scored -2.9, which is absolutely shoot-him-behind-the-barn-worthy. Other than that, Davy's team looks fairly solid, and once some early-season jitters smooth out, he will be a tough opponent. Example: Beanie Wells laid a goose egg last week, prompting Davy to bench him for this week's 31.8-point showing. With more data, oversights like this probably won't occur, so watch out later in the season. Coach Tyson has a big hole at RB, especially with Mendenhall, his top RB with 8.5 (yecch), potentially out with a hamstring injury. He did pick up Redman, Mendenhall's backup, but it remains to be seen whether he can carry the load for a struggling Pittsburgh offense. Boner of the week: Mark Sanchez

Tyson had this to say after the game:

I am so glad I jumped on Redman. I mean, I literally jumped on him and jammed my thumbs into his sternum until he had no choice but to join the team. This tactic has worked wonders for me in the past, but I have been burned once or twice. I mean, literally, Blake lit my armpit hair on fire. Thankfully, Redman isn't as crafty or stupid.

Clayfakers vs. Butt Buccaneers

      175                     163.2

This week showed a solid outing from both teams, in the highest-scoring game of the week. Tom Brady and Matt Stafford did well for Coach Kinzie, but Aaron Rodgers is insane. He put up 53.9 points all by himself. What an asshole. Both of these teams are forces of nature, but the Claymakers are definitely not playing the rope-a-dope, waiting for opponents to tire. The team is kicking ass from here on out, mark my words. Don't let the 2-2 record lull you into complacency. In addition, I'm sure the Butt Pirates have some degree of ass-burn, having scored the third-most points this week and still losing. Boner of the week: Nobody

Coach Kinzie's live-in girlfriend Natalie had this to say after the game:

Oh my God. I'm so scared. He's destroyed the entire house. Now I know why they call him the Master of Disaster. Please let him win this week so I can begin rebuilding.

And that's that. This is a scary league to be in, folks. Here's a picture of the scariest guy in the league's girlfriend.

Destiny Newton. Destiny Newton-Rodgers?