Another Sunday(/Monday), another bag of unpredictable and, dare I say, nonsensical fantasy football numbers. These results make about as much sense as me playing a tough biker. Three games were decided by fewer than two points, which has gotta be some kind of goddamn record. We're also getting into the part of the year when waiver wire pickups are a factor, sometimes providing a free boost to managers who pay attention and often raining down crushing blows by defying the high-flying prophecies of the fantasy analysis oracles. The ride isn't going to get any smoother from here on out, unless your name is Nick or Blake, so hold on. (And if your name is Nick or Blake, I'd like to invite you to the Travolta man-cave, if you know what I mean)
As a harbinger of what's to come, please enjoy this video of Coach Cozine and Coach Sweeney amicably shaking hands after the Jizz Bolts walked away with a 1.5-point victory:
Fasten your seat belts for a bye-ful week 7, folks, and let's take a look at this week's results.
Waukesha Gayshakers vs. The Alaskan Quacktion
129.9 129
Holy shit, it's another barnburner, folks. Coach Derr wins by less than a nose - maybe a nose hair. Aaron Rodgers (29.9) continues to dominate the competition, while disappointing days from Moylan's Mashers Felix Jones (5.3 - and an injury to boot) and Roddy White (4.1) put the rain cloud precisely over Horrible Male/Female Ratio Stadium in Alaska. To add insult to injury, playing Santana Moss (5.8) or Johnny Knox (6.1) of Moylan's beloved Bears would have given him the victory. It all came down to -- wait, am I reading this correctly? Yes, it appears Hell has frozen over, and Plaxico Burress (2.6) pushed Coach Derr right into the land of hegemony. Boner: Felix Jones for getting injured
Reached for comment after Monday's game, Coach Derr had this to say:
At first, I thought I would try a new strategy. I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I told myself I'd bide my time until the very last minute, when I decided to just crush him like an ant. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, right. I think Mr. Burns said that once. Well, I guess that's appropriate since I'm the one who's gonna be $225 richer in a couple of months.
Madison Bananagrams vs. Seattle Extreme Nature Lovers
124.4 156.1
What a banner week for Coach Olsen. Not only did he outscore Coach Davy J. by more than 25 points, his bench more than doubled the Madison misfit's. Both teams had a pretty decent output, but Ahmad Bradshaw (33) took the game out of reach for the old DJ. That's a shame, since Romo and Sanchez had damn fine weeks at 18.4 and 20.5 respectively, and Colston (24.8) really made a statement. It was the bottom three that showed the true double-divergence between these teams this week. Coach Loudog's Jimmy Graham (TE) blew the lid off with nearly 20 and his Jets defense matched that Monday night. Alex Henery, kicker for the Eagles didn't do too shabby either, with eight. In contrast, the Nanas' back end scored a whopping 2.8 points total. Ay caramba. Boners: Vernon Davis, Saints D/ST and Ryan Longwell
Coach Olsen responded to the victory after the game:
I just hope this team can get back on track now that we're at .500. I am feeling so good though, about our future, that I think I'm going to go put some rouge on to seal the deal. And maybe a nice, high-quality wig -- brunette, because I'm a bad girl. BOY. I mean boy. I've said too much.
D.C. Chowda Faces vs Rochester's Electric Semen
100.2 101.7
I am not sure who's second QB was worse, the Clam Strips with Rex Grossman (-2.3 pts), or Zeus Splooge with Matt Moore (4.2 pts). How do you compare a garbage bag full of horse shit to a garbage bag full of horse piss? You can't. This was the lowest scoring game of the week, which is very uncharacteristic of a Sweeney/Cozine showdown. You may remember when they got into a fist fight after last years regular season finale. Sweeney took offense to Dan winning, Dan disagreed. As
Coach Cozine will take this weeks Boner Award, for falling for the Ryan Torrain hype. That pick-up payed off in a tit pinching 2.2 points...which was actually the difference in the game. Huh. Guess I sort of walked right into that one. So, good job? I went to the press conference to tell you in person, but then I saw something truly disturbing. Coach Cozine, alone, in the post game hot tub. I couldn't help but ask him were his Malayasian Man-Puppet was:
Oh, he is visiting his mother Azzlina. She has not been feeling well, so I made sure to pack him lots of chamomile tea and all kinds of special lotions. I don't want him bringing back any freaky-deaky Malaysian diseases with him. You never know what kind of creepy crawly things he is going to come back with. One year he brought me a salamander...at least I think it was a salamander. Well it was dark, and I noticed it's lack of arms and legs. It kind of felt like a moist sausage...and it didn't move. Ahh, it was a penis. Just put that together. What was the question?
Philly Fart Fencers vs Kenowhere AA Meeting
131.1 159.4
This was a battle of the two highest scoring teams in the league this year and they did not disappoint. Have you ever watched two swordfish fight on the surface of the sea? Me neither, but I assume it would be kind of like that. The biggest impact on this game was what Pierre Thomas did not do. Boner of the Week - Pierre Thomas was able to force out a 0.6 point performance, which virtually doomed the Glory Hole Hooligans. In order to beat the Alco-Klepto's, you have to have a few big performances. Coach Nickelback does not have any big number guys, but he has a team of guys averaging 15 points a week...every...single...week. Coach Ginger Spice could not even rely on his usual work horses, Brady and Stafford, to keep him in the game as both found themselves in tough defensive battles all afternoon. Rendering them nothing more than good.
Could we have witnessed a playoff preview? Maybe, but this league is so mediocre that it is impossible to know. One final note about this game, Coach Nickelodeon had no choice but to start this lineup. He deserves zero credit for how well this victory worked out, because he had absolutely no choice. 4 Bye's, an injury, and Delone West....who the fuck is Delone West. Clearly this was an easy lineup to set. I tried to make him feel stupid about it after the game, FAIL:
Mr. Travolta, why would you ask such a stupid question. Did you ever think that maybe I built my lineup specifically for this weekend? Hmm. Did you ever think that maybe I pay attention to the Bye Weeks when I am drafting? Do you see me quesitoning you for wearing a ladies fat suit for a movie re-make of a Broadway musical, which was already a re-make of an 1980's John Waters film? No! We play the cards we are dealt Barbarino. You stupid Italian homo! Do you see me stopping by the set of Old Dogs to ask you, 'Hey John, couldn't you have had a better cast?' No! Because I am a strong, smart, totally straight man. How about giving me credit for taking down a ginger? Isn't that something your (makes quotation hand gesture) "religion" encourages? You had better hope that Tarantino writes a script about a fat old closeted Italian man, who writes for a fantasy football blog. If not, this is about as good as it is going to get for you. Me, I am going to go home, do my taxes, stuff a ram I shot in Canada, and eat a ram steak. Enjoy your post game hot tub.
Keno Shitty Pebbles vs Madison Tissue Trouncers
128 129.2
The Hershey No-No Kisses season has been plagued by injuries and under-performance from franchise players. Peyton Hillis continues to be nothing more than a white guy. We all know that white guys do not make good running backs...at least not anymore. Hillis left his coach high and dry by giving him 1.4 points. That earned him a Boner this week. On the other side of the field, Nic Tyson has erased any memory of last season by delivering his 4th consecutive victory. Wow...I never thought the day would come that I was impressed with Nic Tyson. Then I took a look at his Kicker, who happened to score 20 points.
Once I realized that Billy Cundiff was Tyson's 2nd leading scorer (Mendenhall had 20.6), all of that newfound respect vanished quicker than a scrotum in the snow. Tyson's team is led by a common restroom rapist and a dirty liar and cheater. Two men who truly symbolize what Tyson means to this league. After the game, I asked Tyson to talk about what it felt like to steal something from the clutches of an old man.
Football is a game of inches. Today I was able to sneak myself by the Tractor Trailer, probably sometime between Desperate Housewives and Modern Family. He probably had a glass of red wine and was a little sleepy and I managed to sneak through his living room and right out the front door. If it takes a kicker scoring 20 points to pull of a little extra ninja stealth, than so be it. I honed my skills in High School, for I had a nosey mother you see. Late, after a night of drinking Milwaukee's Best...Light, I would traipse home and have to sneak by my mother on the porch. My years of training have made it virtually impossible for old people to stop me. You would think it was the rugby, but it was actually the sneaking by my mom. The rugby helps me to break hips and cash life insurance policy checks. That's right, I'll kill your old person. If the price is right.Thanks for reading, ladies. As your reward, here's a jack-o-lantern idea for the upcoming holiday:
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| COWABUNGA!! |
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